


Becoming human

by alvinna



Series: Becoming Human verse [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Humor, Benrey being a little shit, Benrey just works on gamer logic, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Getting drunk and playing smash, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not A Game AU, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, kind of a sick fic but not really, no beta we die like men, slight body horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 102,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26780308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alvinna/pseuds/alvinna
Summary: "What do you mean you're bugging out?”“Like I’m not even supposed to get hurt, have godmode on, indestructible you know.”Gordon does in fact not know but nods anyway.“And now suddenly everything hurts and it sucks.”Benrey is back and doesn't have his powers anymore, angst and shenanigans ensues.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life)
Series: Becoming Human verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2160549
Comments: 1329
Kudos: 1497





	1. Chapter 1

The New Mexico night is silent and dark, the only light comes from a yellow moon peeking over the horizon. Then there is a sound, a crackling not unlike metal rapidly cooling down. It slowly grows louder, small sparks dancing just above the red, dusty ground. The skeleton is the first to respawn. It lies unmoving, empty eye sockets staring unseeing at the universe above.The movement starts as a twitch in one of the bony fingers. 

“FUCK!”

Benrey clenches his fists, feeling his respawning body. Teeth growing sharp, greyish skin crawling over muscles, yellow eyes forming and scowling at the heavens. The fist rises and slams down in a cloud of red dust. He opens his maw and screams, a stream of orbs, dark and muddled rises above him and dissipates in clouds of smoke. For some reason he feels angry, frustrated and...sad? He doesn’t want to be, it’s just a game over, why is he getting so worked up over this?

“Lame ass...science team ruining my perfect run”

Sitting up he brushes off red dust from the security vest. A realization dawns on him as he squints at his surroundings. He’s on earth. It’s a bit of a surprise, he’d expected to respawn on Xen since that was his last save point. But it’s all good, he prefers earth anyway. It has all the videogames and the  _ good _ soda. Xen always were kinda bullshit in the drinks department. 

At least now he can finally get back to what he actually wants to do. He’s going to get back to Black Mesa, crawl into his bunk and sleep all these bullshit feelings away like it’s a bad hangover. And when he wakes up he’ll find a way to get that free PS+ month. 

Looking around he scans the horizons for any signs of the sprawling facility. He recognizes some rock formations and turns in the directions it should be in and…oh.

Smoke, a large pillar rising against the dark sky, obscuring both moon and stars. That can’t be a good sign. Wasting no time Benrey teleports to the edge of the...crater?

“Mother fuckers blew it up.”

The wind grabs the words and carries it over what was once one of the worlds largest research facilities. The only thing that’s still recognizable is a lonely guard booth, balancing just on the edge of the crater. The rest is rubble, stone, twisted metal and electrical wires sparkling like little fireworks. 

“Man, all my stuff was in there.”

He briefly entertains the idea of noclipping inside the ruin in search for his PS3. Maybe he can still save the hard drive and get his save files out. But it’s no use, his epic gamer pad had been tucked away far, far underground in sector E.

Benrey sighs and surveys the wreckage, letting his mind wander. A small light at the edge of his consciousness picks at his attention. It’s orange and moves around in small nervous circles. 

“Oh dip, Feetman got out.”

The thought instantly brightens his mood. Feeling around he can also sense the mellow green of Dr. Coomer and Bubby's clear blue side by side. For some reason they are far away from Gordon. Did the science team get split up? It takes him a while longer to locate Tommy’s bright yellow, a small sun hovering side by side with a patch of void black. Tommy is with his creepy dad so at least he’s safe. And not even the apocalypse seemed to be able to take Dr. Coomer and Bubby down when they teamed up. 

So why isn’t Feetman in co-op mode? Sure he can be lame, getting all scared by some aliens and yelling about killing and stuff. But he’s a decent player 2 when he has something to shoot with. It’s also really fun to make him laugh. Gordon has a very nice laugh, all breathy and quiet. Sometimes he’ll even brace himself on Benrey's shoulder while laughing and it makes Benrey feel...a lot of things. 

There is only one thing to do. He has to visit Feetman and make sure he doesn’t get killed or something. Who knows, maybe there are still boot boys out there looking for revenge. Benrey also needs to know if Gordon has a PS3. Solid plan! Time to get going.

\---

When Gordon gets home from the birthday party the first thing he does is to get out of the HEV suit. He tries to be careful in the beginning, pushing buttons and sliding the straps out in the correct order. But the longer it takes the more frustrated he becomes. His new arm, a prosthetic made by some kind of lightweight metal, doesn't really have the same finer motor skills as his old one. It slips and has a hard time getting a grip on metal and slimy cloth. 

By the time he’s gotten out of his chest piece he’s lost all patients.Tugging and pulling he drags the suit off piece by piece and hurls them to the other side of the living room. 

The literal weight of his chest makes him feel like he is floating. Even with the new arm’s added weight he hasn't felt this light in what, a week? A quick glance at the date on his phone shows that he’s lost six days in the underbelly of Black Mesa. 

Six days, almost a week of constant fear, anxiety, pain and anger. 

Memories flashes through his head; yelling, agonizing pain consuming his right arm, crawling and running helpless throughout the maze-like facility. He remembers the emptiness of Xen and the cosmic horror that he once had regarded as part of the team.

A sob racks his body and he curls his now naked arms around himself. Letting himself slide to the floor he gives in and lets the tears flow. There's still so much, so many thoughts and feelings trying to occupy the same space, they choke him and leave him gasping for air. 

It’s a long and exhausting cry. It’s the product of countless sleepless nights, hours upon hours of adrenaline fueled anxiety and way,  _ way _ too much caffeinated sodas. When he finally manages to stop sobbing and gets his breathing under control it feels a bit easier to exist again. 

There are so many things he needs to do; eat, take a shower, sleep...talk to his son. One of those things is definitely lower on Maslow's hierarchy of needs but at the moment it’s more important than the air in his lungs. He needs to hear Joshua’s voice. Even so, it still takes him 15 minutes before he gathers enough courage to call his ex. 

“Martin speaking.”

“Hi, it’s me.”

“Gordon?!” 

He flinches at the tone, panicked and anxious. Fuck, he really messed up this time. 

“What the fuck happened man? I thought you died! Black Mesa has been all over the news and they’re talking about radiation leaks and your phone was off and I couldn’t get a hold of anybody with any information and…”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I haven't really had a chance to call until now. Things...things went bad.”

“Are you ok?”

A pause. 

“No.”

Trying to figure out a way to say it, without it sounding gruesome and failing at it, he decides to just get it out of the way.

“I...I lost my arm.”

“You what?!”

“Yeah, arm’s gone. It’s ok though, well not ok but not as bad as it was...before.”

He glances down at the prosthetic. Images of the heated metal of the gun searing into his flesh flashes through his mind. The metal fingers twitch.

“I have a prosthetic now. It’s a bit hard to move around in still but I’m getting used to it. Otherwise I’m mostly a bit banged up” Understatement of the year. “But I’m probably gonna get some kind of payout soon. You know, insurance and shit.” 

G-man had said as much before Gordon left the party. Some kind of paperwork would arrive for him to sign and after that it would be a good while before he has to worry about finding a job again. 

“I was thinking that after I got the money maybe I could take Joshua on a vacation somewhere. Somewhere quiet, maybe camping in the woods? We could pretend we’re cowboys and…”

He’s rambling, mind going 100 miles an hour trying to grasp after some kind of normalcy, some way he can make up for just disappearing, for making them both worry. 

“Gordon...Gordon, hey! It’s ok” Martins voice is still a bit anxious but the panic is gone. Good. “Take your time, you gotta heal up buddy. You don’t just lose an arm and bounce right back. Maybe talk to a therapist about what you’ve been through, ok? If you're feeling up to it I can fly down with Joshua in two month, just as we planned before.”

“Yeah, that...that works” He really tries to hide the disappointment in his voice but it’s churning and coiling in his stomach. He can feel tears burning in his eyes again. 

But of course Martin is right, he is in no condition to take care of a rambunctious 4 year old. Much less take him hiking!

“Do you wanna talk to him?”

“Please…”

There is a slight shuffle in the background and then.

“Daddy!”

“Hi there Joshie.”

\----

The phone call lifts another stone from Gordon's chest. Joshua is safe. Whatever the Resonance Cascade had resulted in hadn’t seemed to spread outside Black Mesa. 

After a shower and more chinese food than is probably healthy for him he finds himself on the couch in the living room. The tv is playing some sitcom he doesn’t recognize. It’s all so...normal. Like he hasn’t just spent the last week fighting for his life, killing god knows how many people and aliens. Fuck, just a couple of hours ago he was on a different planet! 

He stands up, left hand finding a clicking toy that’s always in arms reach of the couch. His body is refusing to rest after days of being in constant motion and high alert so he starts to wander aimlessly around the living room. Circling he listens to the soft clicking from the toy mix with the laughter from the tv, letting the sound ground him. He is home, he is safe, nothing can get him here. 

There is a knock on the door. 

Gordon almost jumps out of his skin at the sounds. He starts to walk towards the front door but stops in his tracks. Is it safe to open the door? Who would knock at this time of the night? He hesitates, hoovering in the hallway, willing whoever is on the other side to go away. 

Another knock, louder this time. 

Taking a deep breath he repeats it again. He is home, he is safe, nothing can get him here. Repeat it until it feels true. 

He opens the door.

“Yo Feetman.”

The punch is instinctive. The prosthetic isn’t as heavy as the gun arm but the punch comes from all the way down the hip and meets Benrey's face with a satisfying crunch. Dr. Coomer would have been proud over that one. 

“OW!” 

Benrey staggers backwards clutching his nose, pain blossoms all over his face. Benrey has been punched, kicked and shot more times than he can ever count and at most it has registered as a slight tingle. This is new and foregin and it sucks.

“That hurt!  _ Why  _ does it hurt?!” Pale yellow orbs spill from his lips and light up the night around them. 

“WHY AREN’T YOU DEAD?!”

“Why you punch me bro?”

Gordon takes a step forward, grabbing a hold of the front of Benrey's uniform. Clenching his prosthetic fist he readies another punch. Benrey flinches at the action. The sudden realisation that he’s actually afraid of getting hit again washes over Benrey like cold water. What is wrong with him? 

“Why. Are. You. Here?” The words are spoken through gritted teeth.

“Uuhh...game night?”

The second punch connects with Benrey’s cheek and it’s just Gordon's grip on his vest that stops him from falling down on the asfalt. More yellow orbs spray forth.

“Stop hitting me!”

“TELL ME WHY THE FUCK YOU ARENT DEAD!”

“Respawn dude, did it all the time back in Black Mesa.”

Gordon falters, fist lowering and the grip on Benrey's uniform loosens. How was it possible, they won, hadn’t they? 

“But the passports…”

“Man, I dunno. The lore got hella confusing at the end.” Benrey's eyes flicker to the hand now dangling at Gordon's side. 

“So uhm...can I come in?”

The shove sends Benrey sprawling to the ground and new pain shoots up his back. He can take fall damage now? The fuck is happening? Looking down on his hand he can see... _ blood _ ? He’s bleeding from a punch from N00b ass Gordon Feetman?! Something is definitely wrong and a new feeling starts clawing its way up Benrey’s throat, panic.

“I-I think I’m bugging out.”

Gordon is just about to turn around and retreat inside, locking the door and maybe hiding under the bed, when something in the guards tone makes him hesitate. Looking down he surveys the scene before him. Benrey is sitting on the asfalt, staring down at his trembling and blood covered hands. 

Then Benrey looks up at him and Gordon almost flinches. He has never seen anything other than a look of indifference on the other man’s face. Even in Xen, in the middle of the boss fight, Benrey had seemed oddly detached from it all. Like it didn’t even matter to him. 

Now the yellow eyes are wide in confusion and...fear? The places where Gordon’s fist connected with the face is starting to swell, giving the face a slightly lopsided look. White and glowing red bubbles now replace the yellow ones as they spill and rise in the night air. Benrey looks almost human. 

Against his better judgement Gordon crouches down so that he is eye level with the man. 

“What do you mean you're bugging out?”

“Like I’m not even supposed to get hurt, have godmode on, indestructible you know.”

Gordon does in fact not know but nodds anyway.

“And now suddenly everything hurts and it sucks.”

“Benrey why are you even here?”

“Do you have a phone?”

“I’m not giving you my phone.”

“I think…”Benrey moves his hand to his face, fingers prodding carefully at the bruises. “I think I need to call Tommy”

For once, Gordon finds himself agreeing with Benrey. Of the whole science team Tommy is the one with the most knowledge and understanding of the anomaly that is Benrey. His dad also seems to know a lot more that he is letting on. Maybe they could just take Benrey away? Yes, that would be the best option. 

“Fine I’ll call Tommy for you.” Looking around at the empty street Gordon makes the second decision against his better judgement this evening. “I guess...you can come inside while we talk to him.”

“Poggers”

Grimacing, Gordon stands back up and walks back inside, he wants to get this over with as quickly as possible so he can go back to nursing his own anxiety. The presence of Benrey is really not helping in that department. 

In the living room he shoves a handful of tissues at the guards who stare blankly at them.

“Clean up, I don’t want you bleeding all over my stuff.”

“Aw Feetman, didn’t know you cared so much.”

Not bothering with an answer Gordon scrolls through his contacts until he finds Tommy. It had been Tommy’s idea to exchange numbers after the party, to stay connected, as he’d put it. It had felt nice, knowing at least one in the science team cared enough to want to stay in touch. 

“Hello?”

“Hi Tommy, sorry to bother you so-”

“TOMMY!” 

Gordon has to stop himself from shoving Benrey away as the guard grabs his arm, dragging it down to yell into the phone. 

“Stop it! Calm the fuck down! I’m putting it on speaker.”

“Oh, is that- is that Benrey?”

“Tommy my godmode’s off!”

Benrey makes another grab for the phone only for Gordon to hold it out of reach. 

“He suddenly turned up outside my house talking about bugs and shit.”

“I’m taking fall damage like a n00b, -1/10 on IGN, major suckage.”

Gordon snorts out a quiet laugh. It’s weird hearing Benrey's characteristic gamer lingo in such a distressed voice.

“Yeah...my dad said that- that something like this could happen.” Tommy's voice is actually sounding a bit concerned.

“Can your dad mayb…”

Gordon almost falls over as Benrey tugs at his arm again again.

“Yo! Tell G-man to toggle my godmode on again!”

“It’s not my- my dad doesn’t controle it. He just...knows about you.”

“Toggle it!”

Another yank and this time Gordon does shove Benrey to the ground.

“Benrey I swear to god if you don’t sit still and shut up I  _ will _ punch you again.” 

Benrey actually flinches at that, a look of fear passing over his face. Guilt starts pooling in Gordon's stomach before a bitter memory of Benrey’s hollering and cheering while his arm was cut off, flushes the guilt away. 

“I’m sorry Tommy please continue.”

“It’s like Superman.”

Gordon takes a deep breath, he should be used to the science team’s habit of switching topics by now but it never gets less frustrating. 

“The N64 game?”

And of course Benrey's only reference to the world's most famous superhero is an obscure 90’s game.

“N-no, it’s like- Superman gets his powers from the sun, right. And...and Benrey gets...got his powers from the air...particles on Xen.” 

“What?”

“What?!”

“Lol jinx”

“Shut up Benrey.” 

Benrey just grins at Gordon. 

“Tommy, Benrey used his powers all the time before we got to Xen, remember? I shot him all the time in Black Mesa and he never got hurt.”

“Gordon Meanman”

“Oh, Black Mesa was filled with Xen particles. It was in- it was all the portals. They always had- had at least one open ever since they brought Benrey over from Xen.”

“Wait wait wait! Brought Ben...Black Mesa brought Benrey here from Xen?!” 

The realization that Benrey is an alien is not a pleasant one. Granted, Gordon had kinda known from the start that Benrey wasn’t human. He even said as much when they first met. But Gordon had at least thought he was some kind of Black Mesa experiment, like Dr. Coomer with his clones and enhancements or the perfect scientist Bubby. 

“Yeah” Tommy fails to elaborate further.

“Elaborate please?!”

“I don’t know that much. I wasn’t- It was before I started working there and my dad doesn’t talk about it very much.”

“So Xen particles, it’s like my uh...AA batteries? Need two to power up?”

“Kinda, but- but all the portals are closed now. Dad said they...terminated the facility.”

"Terminated?” Did they actually do what Gordon thinks they did?

“They blew up my gamer pad man! All my platinum trophies are gone. Need to...need to start all over again.”

“Wait so- is Benrey going to die if he doesn’t get...Xen particles?” Gordon really dislikes this idea. It’s one thing to take out a guy when he’s tall as a skyscraper and trying to smash you into a wall. It’s is a whole other thing having someone starve to death because their only source of food is on another fucking planet.

“No silly, like I said, he’s like superman. He’s going to be like Clark Kent :)”

“How did you make that sound with your voice?”

“I’m gonna need glasses?!”

Maybe it is the stress, maybe he is finally just going crazy but the thought of Benrey in glasses and a suit, ever present helmet still on of course, just makes something snap inside Gordon. The laughter bubbling up is quiet at first but the longer the image ping pongs around in his head the louder it becomes. Soon he sinks to the floor beside Benrey, desperately clutching his sides. Not being able to hold the phone any longer he shoves it at Benrey, trying and failing to regain his composure. 

“Is Mr. Freeman ok?”

Glancing at the giggling pile besides him (and trying to ignore the warmth in his chest at the sight), Benrey shrugs at the phone. Somehow Tommy still gets that. 

“You’re probably won’t need glasses...I think. It’s your powers- the Xen particles still left in your body will dissolve and then you won’t be able to use them anymore.”

“So what, I’m gonna keep taking damage?”

“Yes”

“How about noclip?”

“Humans can’t-they don’t walk through things I’m afraid.”

“Teleportation?”

“Nope”

“Shapeshifting?”

“Sorry”

“Respawn?!” The volume of Benrey's voice is rising and it snaps Gordon out of his giggle spell.

Tommy hesitates for a moment before answering.

“Hmm...I’m afraid you’re playing on a...permadeath server for the moment.”

“So if I get uuuhhh...headshot?”

“You- you’ll die, forever.”

“Damn…” Benrey feels the sweet voice burning in the back of his throat again, tasting of metal and fire. Balls of white and glowing red rushes out and gathers in little clouds at the ceiling. The phone falls out of his hand and Gordon snatches it back, a look of confused concern on his face as he snaps a picture of the spectacle.

“Hey Tommy, what does this mean?” 

A paus as the picture is sent.

“White means fright and lava red like it’s volcanic means he’s in panic. Mr. Freeman he feels really bad.”

Something ugly stirs in Gordon at the sight of Benrey burdened with the same feelings he's been battling for a week. Serves the little bastard right. But at the same time, it’s not fun to see anyone feel bad, even an asshole like Benrey.

“Sweet voice?” Benrey's voice is strained, like he’s desperately trying not to scream. 

“Huh?”

“Will it nerf my sweet voice?” Louder now, the scream barely contained. 

“Oh no, The Black Mesa Sweet Voice is not a Xen thing, it’s a me thing.”

“Wuh…” 

Silence.

“Tommy  _ please _ elaborate!” 

“Well you see Mr. Freeman, when- when Benrey came to Black Mesa from Xen he didn’t talk because he was quite small. That- at least that’s what I’ve been told. My dad had seen the sweet voice I made for Sunkist because- because a perfect dog needs to communicate their feelings. So I- he asked me to help him with a work project. I didn’t know it was for Benrey of course.”

“Huh, I never realised Black Mesa sweet voice was your invention.” Somehow Tommy never ceases to amaze Gordon. 

“Well I- I know how to read it and my dog has it so…”

Is Tommy being salty right now? At least Benrey seems to have calmed down. He sits crossed legged and picks fibres out of the carpet, eyes distant. 

“Ok, so now we know why Benrey is bugging out or whatever. When can you pick up Benrey Tommy? I really need to go to sleep.”

“Oh I’m afraid that’s impossible Mr. Freeman. Me and my dad are kind of...not around right now.”

“What do you mean not around?” Move over Benrey, it's Gordon's turn to feel panic now.

“We- he took me on a work thing. Might be a couple of weeks before we get back.”

“WEEKS!?” Yep, panic’s definitely here now. 

“Can he stay at your place for the time being? He’s really vulnerable right now.”

“Like I give a shit! He got my arm cut off! He tried to kill us! He’s the biggest asshole I know.”

“I know Mr. Freeman. But I like mean people :)”

“How do you keep doing that sound?”

“Without his powers he won’t be dangerous I promise. I’ll try to be back in two weeks, please Mr. Freeman. For me?”

Is it possible to hear a pair of puppy dog eyes? Because Gordon is very certain that a man 10 years his senior is giving him the puppy stare through a phone conversation...and it’s working.

“Fine! I give you two weeks, then I’ll put him out in a box on the curb. Stray alien, bites. Please give a proper home.”

Tommy laughs and Gordon can’t help but smile himself. Throughout all this hell, Tommy keeps being a bright spot in pitch black darkness. 

“Thank you Mr. Freeman. It really means a lot to me. Can I...talk to Benrey alone for a second?”

Gordon holds out the phone but Benrey doesn’t seem to be paying attention. It’s not until Gordon shoves the phone into his hand that he lifts his eyes from the carpet.

“Huh...wuh?

“Tommy wants to talk to you.”

Gordon walks away to give the two some privacy, he might as well get the guest room in order. Apparently Gordon has a house guest now. An alien house guest who he has tried to kill on multiple occasions, funny how things work out like that sometimes. At the moment Gordon is just thankful that he got a house when he moved here for the Black Mesa job. At least he has a room with a door to put Benrey in. A door that can be locked if needs arise. 

He lays out a pair of slacks and an old MIT t-shirt on the bed. Benrey is shorter than him but around the same width. At least Gordon thinks he is. It’s hard to be certain when he’s never seen Benrey without the bulky security vest, or helmet. He’s actually not sure what Benrey's face looks like. Half of Benrey’s face is hidden in the shadow that his helmet casts, the only visible thing of the upper part is those bored yellow eyes. 

Gordon throws a toothbrush on the bed for good measures. He’s not even sure that Benrey even brushes his teeth but fuck it if he’s going to give him nay reason to call him Rudeman or some bullshit like that. 

Going back into the living room he finds Benrey still on the floor. He’s back at picking at the carpet, phone lying locked beside him. Some stray white and red bubbles still float above him but most have popped already. Tiredness washes over Gordon all of a sudden, it feels like he can fall asleep where he stands. Finally out of adrenaline it seems. 

“Benrey.”

No answer.

“Benrey!”

The picking on the carpet continus. It’s going to have a bald spot soon enough.

A nudge with his foot finally breaks Benrey out of whatever trance he’s been in. 

“C’mon I’ll show you to your room.”

“Wuh...huh?”

“Your room. I’m not leaving you to roam my house in the middle of the night. I put some clothes on your bed so you have something to sleep in.”

This gets a reaction.

“I don’t sleep. Stupid uuuhh...scientist baby don’t even know that.”

Gordon must be really tired because he can’t even muster up the energy to be angry at the insult. Suddenly it all just seems so childish, like a middle school bully throwing taunts at the playground. 

“Whatever man, you can just sit and stare at the wall for all I care. Now get up.”

Benrey follows him still grumbling insults under his breath, falling silent only when Gordon points to the open doorway. 

“You stay in there, bathrooms over there. Don’t wander around the house. Wake me and I will punch you again.” 

He expects insults and threats being thrown back but Benrey just walks past him, slamming the door behind him. 

Then there is silence again and Gordon drags his broken body up the stairs and is asleep almost before his head hits the pillow. He doesn’t hear the muffled sobs coming from the spare room, nor the faint snores that follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow like grain means I'm in pain
> 
> Edit: I got fan art for this chapter as well!!   
> https://shanimations.tumblr.com/post/638979129412403200/woo-last-post-of-the-year-thought-i-might-as


	2. Chapter 2

Gordon doesn’t know where he is, only that it’s dark and his arm hurts. Panic grips his heart and a strangled cry finds its way past his lips. He doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to hear the people he thought as friends jeer and cheer on as he gets hurt. Why does it hurt? Why…

He sits up gasping and grasping his arm. Why can’t he feel his arm?! Why can’t he feel it while pain still runs through it? 

Looking down, he finds himself grasping the cold metal of his prosthetic, Apparently you are not suppose to sleep with it. He carefully unclaches it and rubs the scar. Gordon has heard of phantom pains before but never realized it would feel like this. Like his arm is still there, like it’s burning. 

It takes almost half an hour before Gordon manages to get out of bed. He leaves the prosthetic behind, deciding to try out his morning routine one armed today. It’s not until he stands in front of the mirror, giving up on putting his hair up in any kind of way, that he remembers who is in his house right now. 

It’s both easier to accept that Benrey is here and not dead now that Gordon is well rested and not running on leftover adrenaline. He can also somewhat accept that Benrey might not be a danger anymore. It’s not like he suddenly trusts Benrey or something. But he does trust Tommy. And Tommy wouldn't have insisted on Benrey staying if the alien was posing any kind of danger to Gordon. 

He had also hurt Benrey, actually hurt him. That has never happened before. Even in the boss fight Benrey hadn’t seemed to actually feel any pain. 

An ugly part within Gordon delights in the thought that for a second Benrey had looked scared of him. That he had broken through that insufferable surface of indifference and snark. Gordon had gotten an actual reaction from the man, made him feel pain, made him feel vulnerable and mortal. 

It’s a powerful and ugly feeling that Gordon doesn't recognize in himself. Or maybe he does, maybe that part was always within him and just grew stronger in the carnage of Black Mesa. He tries not to dwell on it, puts it in a box in his mind, and then puts that box in a bigger box with a blanket over it. There, good as gone, denial at its best. 

In the kitchen he finds himself not daring to open the fridge. Gordon likes to cook, he usually keeps his fridge well stocked and now that habit has come back to bite him in the ass. If it was just the milk and the vegetables he might be able to handle it but he shudders at the thought of the whole chicken he had planned on cooking after he came home from the resonance cascade test. Giving up he decides to make do with coffee and some Eggo waffles he finds in the back of the freezer. 

He is just about to pop them into the toaster when there is a sound coming from the guest room. First there is a low thud, then a muffled string of words that might or might not be curses, then a bang that sounds suspiciously like someone walking into a door. The suspicion is confirmed when Gordon peeks out into the corridor just in time to hear another bang and see the door to the guest room rattle. He is about to walk over to check that he accidentally hasn't locked the door, when it slams open and a figure all but stumbles out. 

Benrey is actually wearing the clothes Gordon had laid out for him, although he seems to have miscalculated the size a bit. The sweatpants are bunched up around the ankles, clearly way too long for him. In contrast the t-shirt stretches over Benrey’s chest, riding up a bit over his stomach, showing black hair in contrast to pale greyish skin. He is still wearing the helmet but it’s slightly lopsided and obscuring parts of the face. Benrey still seems to have some of his regenerative powers left, the bruises from yesterday have faded into almost nothing, leaving only a faint discoloration behind. 

“You look like shit.” That ugly feeling has crawled it’s way out of the box and Gordon can’t stop the insult from slipping out. 

Yellow eyes narrow under the helmet and suddenly Benrey is advancing on him. It takes all of Gordon’s self control not to listen to the prey part of his brain blaring the fight or flight alarm. Instead he stands his ground and lets Benrey get into his space. He is not as confident in punching with his left arm but if necessary he’ll make do. It’s not necessary though because Benrey stops just short in front of him, tilting his head up glaring at Gordon. 

“Yo, why you punch me in my sleep?”

“What are you talking about Benrey?” 

“Head hurts and you like punching me Meanman.”

Gordon sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. It’s way too early for this and he hasn't even had his coffee yet. 

“No Benrey I haven't punched you since yesterday. You walked into the door a couple of times, maybe that has something to do with it?”

“Your uuuh...fail door can’t hurt me, I have protection.” He tilts the helmet so it falls back into place. 

“Did you sleep in it?”

“I don’t sleep”

“Whatever. It’s probably crushing your head or something now that you don’t have any powers anymore. Try taking it off.”

“Wuh...little gay...ass Feetman wants a peek under the helmet huh? Wants a- a lil' show or sumthing?”

Gordon wonders how he ever found Benrey's insult provoking back in Black Mesa. Again and again he’d lost all forms of self control, shouting insults and throwing punches. But now, with the looming promise of death and doom gone it’s so easy to stay above it. Well, almost easy. 

Without really thinking about it Gordon grabs a hold of the top of the helmet and pulls. Benrey doesn’t react in time. When his hands come up to grab at the helmet it’s already held far above his head. 

The hair is...surprising. Gordon's not sure what he had imagined under the helmet but it wasn’t a mop of black curls. The hair in combination with the lack of shadow over his face leads Gordon to a startling realization. Benrey is kind of handsome, in a weird alien if you're into that kind of stuff, way. His eyes are still yellow, teeth spiked and he’s fucking gray. But he has surprisingly good bone structure, a square jaw, and even more surprisingly, a pair of thick eyebrows. 

“Why you stealing my stuff dude? Knew you were some kind of criminal. Give it back!” Benrey jumps, swiping at the helmet that is held just out of his reach. 

“Hmmm, no.” Gordon can say that now, he can actually take something away from Benrey, make him jump through the hoops for once. He tries to hold the laughter in but does a really bad job with it. 

Suddenly Benrey freezes. Eyes going wide as he backs away, staring down at his own arm. 

“You ok man?”

Gordon has never seen Benrey react like this, it’s startling to see him display actual emotions. A look of confusion and sadness flashes over Benrey's face. A low tone escaping his mouth followed by copper bubbles. Then he turns on his heel and power walks back to his room, door slamming behind him. Gordon is left standing in the hallway, confused and with an ugly feeling now roaming free in his mind. 

\-----

Benrey is having a seriously bad day. Probably in his top ten of bad moments overall. He doesn’t like crying and hasn’t done it in years but last night he hadn’t been able to stop it. No amount of sweet voice had been able to purge those feelings from his body. So Benrey resorted to crying. It’s old fashioned, messy and really tiresome but it works. It leaves him feeling empty and exhausted and suddenly he’s very thankful to have a bed. Benrey doesn’t sleep, at least he didn’t used to. 

The new clothes feel weird against his body, too big and too small at the same time. They smell kinda like Gordon. This whole place smells like him to be honest. It’s nice, comforting in the same way that the startup sound on his PS3 is...was. Benrey falls asleep with an odd combination of dread and excitement rolling around in his chest. 

When he wakes up he doesn’t know where he is. His mind going through the possibilities while trying to start back up. It’s not his gamer pad in Black Mesa, it doesn't smell right. Too soft to be Xen or the floor in some laboratory. Blearily he takes in his surroundings, a small room with a bed and a drawer, a window filters in sunlight through partially closed blinds. Right, he’s at Feetmans place.

A grin spreads over Benrey’s face, but turns into a grimace when he sits up. Why does his head hurt? The pain comes to the beat of his puls and when he tries to move his neck it spikes down his spine. Did Feetman punch him again while Benrey slept? It doesn't sound like something he would do but in Benrey's limited experience things only hurt when Gordon punches him, therefore he must be the culprit. 

Well, Benrey knows a thing or two about payback and Gordon's going to learn not to mess with him again. That’s about as far as his revenge plan goes before things start going wrong. 

It starts with him falling out of the bed. He tries to noclip out of the blankets only for them to tangel around his legs and send him careening to the floor. Ow, ok fall damage still works. Loudly cursing the blankets, and the ground and the bed, he untangles himself and moves to noclip through the door. The door doesn’t let him. Instead it smushes his face. Rude! Second try gives the same results before Benrey gives up and opens it the regular way. Super cringe. 

Coming out from the room it takes him a second to get used to the bright sunlight pouring into the hallway. And then his eyes fall on Gordon and his thoughts kind of just...stops. In his mind's eye Benrey has a very set image of the scientist. Body hidden away under square and cold metal, hair tied back in a messy ponytail and face in varying stages of covered in grime and blood. That is the Gordon Freemind Benrey has spent the last week following around, the Gordon Freeman who killed him. 

This is not that Gordon. This Gordon is much softer, wearing a black band t-shirt and jeans and oh my god does his arms have freckles? Curls fall freely around his face and they catch the sunlight with a soft golden brown glow. 

It takes him a second to try to combine the two images he has of the man, trying to convince himself that this is the same person that not even 24 hours ago gave him a game over on Xen. He tries to remember how Gordon had looked yesterday but his mind only conjures up memories of pain and yelling on the phone. 

“You look like shit”

Yup ok, moment’s gone. Gordon Feetman is going down no matter how soft and huggable he looks. 

Gordon Feetman does in fact not go down, instead he takes Benrey's helmet. Benrey's not sure he has ever felt mortified before, he doesn’t have a sweet voice for it yet at least. Why is Feetman so fucking tall? And when did he get so cocky? Sure it kind of suits him to be a bit bossy, especially when it’s not tinged with anger as it was back at Black Mesa, but it makes it harder to annoy him. And now he’s laughing at Benrey as he holds the helmet just out of reach. Benrey tries to ignore how nice the laughter sounds and focuses on the task at hand. Get the helmet back, get revenge. 

It all comes crashing down as he tries to shapeshift his arm longer to grab the helmet. Benrey’s arm refuses to comply and stays its normal length. Stumbling back he stares at it, wills it to change, to do what he tells it to do. It doesn’t. 

“You ok man?”

No! Of course he’s not ok. Everything is wrong! He’s wrong! He’s...broken. The sweet voice tasted metallic and Benrey can’t bear to look at it so he flees back to his room. 

Sitting on the bed Benrey decides to take stock on his situation. Tommy used to tell him about the scientific method or something. He doesn’t really remember everything but he recalls that he has to ask a question. 

“How many powers do I have left?”

He says it out loud, that’s almost as good as writing it down, right? Now he has to do an experiment, test it out. Will he need a lab coat for this? Probably not since he doesn’t plan on getting splashed by things.

Benrey starts with a simple one and tries to noclip through the bed again. Nothing happens. He tries a few more times before he is forced to admit it won’t work. No more noclip then. 

Next up he gives shapeshifting another try, maybe he was just distracted by Feetmans stupid hair before. Concentrating on his finger he tries to extend it. He stares at it until the pain in his head forces him to stop. Well he can strike godmode of his list too it seems since he can still feel pain. And he already took fall damage so strike that as well. 

That only leaves teleportation and respawn. Wouldn't be good if he failed a respawn test. Hella rude to leave a corpse for his host to clean up. Instead he focuses on the sofa in Gordon's living room, doing the usual visualisation he does before teleporting to a place. Benrey stays sitting on the bed. 

Ok so, experiment done, now he should look at the results and come to a conclusion. 

“I don’t have any powers.”

It feels bad to say it out loud. Like the words have written the truth into existence. Tears form in his eyes and wow, crying twice in less than 24 hours, being a big baby much?

In the pit of Benrey’s stomach something builds. At first he thinks it’s a sweet voice, but nothing rises up through his throat. Instead he feels something moving, a movement that vocalizes itself in a loud gurgling rumble. The fuck is that? And why does he suddenly want to chew at something?

\---

Gordon lingers in the hallway after Benrey's sudden departure. He tells himself it’s just to make sure the alien isn’t breaking anything and not because Gordon is worried or something. Benrey deserves this. He doesn’t seem to feel guilty over all the things he subjected Gordon and the rest of the science team to so this feels like fitting punishment. He tells himself that, trying to make that ugly feeling feel justified. It doesn’t really work. 

He’s still holding Benrey's helmet. Feeling slightly awkward he hoovers outside the door to the guest room before he places it on the floor outside. Benrey might be an asshole but even he deserves some privacy in the middle of an emotional crisis. 

He puts the eggos in the toaster and pours himself a cup of freshly brewed coffee. It tastes like heaven! After a week on soda and whatever they could salvage from vending machines, the bitter taste of coffee and the crunchy sweetness of store bought waffles is better than any gourmet meal he’s ever eaten. He devours the whole package and goes to the freezer for a second one when a thought catches him off guard. Does Benrey need to eat now? He didn’t seem to need it in Black Mesa. He drank soda with the same vigor as the rest of the science team but Gordon never saw him eat anything. 

Still holding the second package of eggos his train of thought is interrupted yet again by the door to the guest room opening. 

Seems like it’s time for round two of trying to be civilized with Benrey. 

Gordon finds Benrey standing in the hallway, looking down on the helmet in front of the door. Before he has the chance to call out to him, Benrey extends his foot and tips the helmet over. It’s not a violent act and Gordon feels that it contains a meaning that only Benrey understands. Yellow eyes suddenly snap up and focus on him, the expression on his face unreadable. 

“Yo, you got anything to chew on?”

Well that’s that mystery solved.

“So you do eat.”

A shrug 

“Do now apparently”

“Can you eat waffles?”

“What’s waffles?”

Benrey does in fact eat waffles it turns out, he eats a lot of them. He eats like he has never seen food before. Heck for all Gordon knows he hasn’t. Leaning against the counter, second cup of coffee in hand he tries starting a conversation. 

“So you’ve never had to eat before?”

A shrug

“Man that’s sad”

“Uh, why?”

“Because food is amazing!” Gordon can’t picture his life without having a good meal to look forward to. Food has always been a bit of a weak spot for him. He might love it a bit too much now that he’s gotten older. Metabolism is not the same as when he was in MIT and Gordon really doesn’t have the energy for a workout routine. Lately he has put on a bit of weight and that hasn’t gone away even after a week of physical exercise and almost starvation. 

“Seems dumb” 

“You’re eating right now!”

“And it’s dumb”

“Don’t it taste good at least?”

Benrey seems to stop and think at that, his chewing slowing down for a second.

“Mountain Dews better.”

“Ok you have no taste.”

“Nyeh nyeh nyeh” Benrey sticks out a tongue covered in chewed up waffles.

“Gross.”

“You’re gross.”

Benrey's eyes suddenly fall to the emptiness where Gordon's lower right arm should be. 

“Hey what happened to your-”

The coffee cup slams down on the table with a force that makes the plate jump and rattle.

“Don’t. You. Dare ask me that.” The venom in Gordon's voice surprises even him. He clenches his teeth and rubs at the arm, pain making the emptiness even more noticeable. 

Benrey looks startled at the outburst. Maybe it’s the lack of helmet or the addition of visible eyebrows but Gordon finds it’s easier to read Benrey's facial expressions now. 

“No- I mean like...yesterday.”

“What about yesterday?”

“You had it, the arm. Did a super punch knockout on me with it. Gordon Meanman style.”

“It’s a prosthetic”

He gets a blank stare in return.

“Just...sit, don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

\-----

Benrey is never going to admit it to Gordon, even if he threatens to punch him again, but he feels a bit bad about the whole arm thing. He didn’t really get the pain thing back in Black Mesa. He knew that pain existed, knew that humans felt it and that it sucked for them. But it’s hard conceptualizing a feeling you never had. So when the humans around him complained about pains and aches the only comparison Benrey could make was when he lost a round in COD online. That was a bad feeling, pain felt bad so it had to be kind of the same. He knows different now, being in pain is nothing like losing in COD, it’s _way_ worse. 

Pain also seemes to come in different scales and Benrey isn’t stupid enought to think that getting punched in the face is anywhere near as painful as getting your arm sawed of. So yeah, he feels bad. Not that Feetman needs to know that, might get him even more high and mighty. He’s taking way too many liberties already. Also, Benrey needs to preserve his cool gamer image. Guilt has no place there. 

Cool gamer image or not, it’s hard for Benrey not to look surprised when Gordon comes back into the kitchen carrying...his arm?

“This is a prosthetic.” He says and puts it down with a metallic clunk on the kitchen table. 

“Yoooo, it comes off? Does your other arm do that too?”

“No! Why would it? You only got my right arm cut off.” 

Benrey does not care for that tone. It isn’t as hostile as when Gordon slammed his cup like a big baby, but it’s close. He needs a distraction. Gotta lighten the mood a bit.

“Dr. Coomers arms come off.”

“That’s because Dr. Coomer has enhancements. I don’t.”

Hmm, still pissed. What else, what else? Well, can’t go wrong with a classic.

“You...have your passport?”

Gordon lunges and Benrey scrambles to get out of the chair and the kitchen before Gordon has the time to round the table. He manages to keep his head start until he dashes across the hall into the living room. It’s a dead end. Benrey's brain glitches when Gordon barges in after him and he tries to noclip through the wall. 

He really regrets his lack of helmet as his forehead takes most of the impact. Crouching down he grips his head, the hold slightly helps relieve the pain blossoming there. Benrey is so busy focusing on the pain and spitting out pale yellow orbs that it takes him a hot minute to register the laughter.

Gordon is doubled over and practically wheezing, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. In Benrey's head a thought finds its way through the pain, Gordon looks really nice when he laughs. 

“Yeah laugh it up at your buddy Benrey's pain Feetman.” 

It takes Gordon a couple of tries before he can answer.

“I think I will, you walked right into that one didn’t you.” Apparently he finds himself very funny because he breaks down in a new fit of laughter. 

Benrey sits in silence, not daring to speak again. The atmosphere feels light and airy and he’s afraid that any comment will break it, turn it from laughter to anger. So he sits on the carpet, rubbing the slowly fading pain in his forehead and observes the scientist giggling on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow like grain means I'm in pain.
> 
> Copper like a gong means that something is wrong.
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely feedback on the first chapter. It makes me ridiculously happy to know people enjoys my silly and messy writing. I changed how I shift perspective between Gordons and Benreys point of view this chapter. It makes it easier to be in their respective heads so to say. I will try to update this once a week on Fridays. Again, if you find any glaring grammar or spelling error please tell me.


	3. Chapter 3

The silence stretches out for a while after Gordon stops laughing. It’s comfortable, Gordon sits on the carpet in a patch of sunlight. The warmth on his back is a reminder that he is here, not lost under the surface of the earth while fighting for his life. He hadn't meant to lose it like that on Benrey, but the urge to throttle the other man at the mention of passports seems to be an instinct he’d yet to get rid of. 

“Benrey, we need to talk.”

“Wuh...you breaking up with me or something?”

Breath Gordon, breath and count to ten. 

“If you’re going to stay here for the foreseeable future I need to know a couple of things and we need to lay down some ground rules.”

“You- you some kind of bossman now, telling me what to do and shit?”

“You know what, yes! As long as you live under my roof you’ll have to listen to what I have to say and follow _my_ rules.” Gordon is proud of his dad voice. He might not have Joshua here full time but he has cultivated it over the last 4 years. It feels good to fall back on it now.

“Or what?” 

The challenge takes him by surprise, not because he doesn’t expect Benrey you mouth back but because without the helmet he has a clear view of the way Benrey cocks his eyebrow. The result in combination with the sharp toothed grin is downright lecherous. 

No, nope, nuhuh, he knows Benrey's game. He always does this kind of shit when Gordon is demanding something. It’s like he knows it’s going to make Gordon turn tail and flee in mortified embarrassment. But not this time! Gordon is just going to power through, ignore his burning ears and get his answers. 

“Benrey, I’m serious.”

“I’m not.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“I’m bored.” Benrey's eyes wander around the living room, looking everywhere else but Gordon. 

“I just want-” But Gordon is interrupted by a high note and a stream of yellow and bright orange.

“Yoooo dude! You got a PS4?!”

Gordon's eyes follow Benrey's to the black box resting on a shelf under the tv.

“Yeah I have most consoles, I told you I wanted to be a streamer back in Black Mesa.”

“Play? Play Tekken please and thank you?”

OK new plan, if threats don't work maybe bribes will. 

“Yes Benrey, we can play some Tekken.”

Benrey immediately scrambles towards where the controllers are docked but Gordon puts a hand on his shoulder to hold him back. 

“But, you’ll have to answer a couple of questions and we need to settle on some house rules first. When we’ve done that I’ll play with you.”

Benrey sits back down on the floor again, chewing on his lip and looking like he’s weighing his options.

“Aight, what you wanna know?”

Gordon breathes out a sigh of relief. This might be the first time he has gotten the guard to agree to anything. He files this away for later use. Maybe he can even make Benrey clean out the fridge if he promises to buy Heavenly Sword for him. 

“C’mon dude, gimme those...uuuh 20 question. Let’s get some truth and dare up in here.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense.”

“Duuuuuude.”

“Alright, alright...let’s see.” Gordon has questions, several of them actually. It’s just hard to pick where to start so he decides on the biggest one.

“Why did you attack us, back on Xen?”

Benrey's whole demeanor shifts, going from somewhat calm and focused to fidgeting and distracted within a second. His hands find their way back to the carpet where he starts pulling at fibres. 

“That’s uuuuhh...classified information.”

Gordon bites back a frustrated comment. Remember the plan, bribing not fighting. 

“Ok, well I guess we won’t play Tekken then if you don’t want to give me any answers.” He moves to stand up.

“No! Wait I uuuhhh…”

Bingo.

“I’m waiting.”

Benrey keeps fidgeting, dark green to blue floats up toward the ceiling.

“So you know when...when you put too much electricity into something and it pops? Was like that.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“You’re a scientist, figure it out.”

Back in Black Mesa Gordon would have probably given up, yelled some kind of insult and stalked off. Here, on the sunny floor of his living room, it’s easier to give it time, to give what Benrey has said time. 

“AA batteries.”

“Wuh?”

“You said that yesterday to Tommy, remember? That Xen particle works like your batteries. Is that what happened at Xen? To many batteries?”

The look Benrey gives him is somewhere between surprise and awe.

“Yeah! Yes exactly like that! I got to Xen and it was like I suddenly didn’t fit inside myself. So I just...became big. Benrey Xtra Large. And then you guys came and I tried to be nice but you got mad and you ran off.” Benrey's rambling is punctuated with sweeps of his arms. His eyes are wide and a bit unfocused, like he’s currently watching the bossfight inside his head. “And it was like I had to follow you. Hunt you down, I wanted to…” 

The sentence is abruptly cut off, Benrey's mouth closing with a snap of teeth and his eyes meet Gordon's. His pupils are wide, staring into Gordon with frightening intensity. It reminds him too much of how Benrey had looked on Xen, like Gordon is something small and insignificant. The moment only lasts for a second before Benrey's eyes return to the carpet, his body visibly slumping like something has been drained out of him.

“What did you want to do to us Benrey?” He hates the small tinge of fear in his voice. 

He is met by silence. Benrey's arms now crossed over his chest, both head and eyes turned away from Gordon. His face is the usual mask of indifference but his whole body language screams defensiveness. 

Gordon has to force down that ugly feeling, the one that screams at him to just grab the alien by his neck and beat the answer out of him. Is that really who Gordon is? Falling back on violence at the smallest hint of resistance? No, he can work with what Benrey has given him, figure this puzzle out without resorting to violence. So he forces the anger and frustration down, hides it in boxes upon boxes.

He goes through what Benrey has just said, putting it into context with his own experiences on Xen. The images of the fight replaying, combining with the image of the alien that sits before him, a hypothesis starts taking form. Even though he doesn’t want to admit it, it frightens him a bit. 

“I think you might be an apex predator.”

This seems to get Benrey's attention and he refocuses his gaze on Gordon. 

“Apex? Like in Apex legends?”

“No...just, not everything has to do with videogames, just listen. Apex predators are on top of the food chain in their environment. That means they focus on hunting and protecting their territory. They act on instinct, attacking things that might be prey, fighting things that might take their territory. On Xen, we might have been your prey.” 

There is a worry in the back of his mind that he has made a mistake telling Benrey his theory. Like it’s going to make the alien snap and tear out his throat or something. But he just looks at Gordon with his usual half lidded eyes. 

“So what, I'm like a tiger or something?”

“Or something yeah…”

“Huh…”

\----

Benrey is happy Gordon didn’t press him to talk more about Xen, the more he can avoid thinking about it the better. The thought of what he had felt back there, what he had wanted to do, it makes his teeth ache. 

It’s nice being understood though. He is not used to the feeling outside his interactions with people who can read his sweet voice. Words was never his strong suit. But Gordon had understood him, somehow. He had listened and thought and figured something out that Benrey hadn’t even known about himself. 

There’s that warm feeling in his chest again, so cringe. 

“So are we like...good now? Bestest friends?”

“No.”

Ah, that really shouldn’t hurt the way it does.

“We’re not good, Benrey, I’m still mad about a lot of things that you did even before Xen.” Gordon gives a deep sigh and drags a hand through his curls. ”It’s not better but it’s- it’s something.”

Something, he can work with something. 

“Speaking of before Xen, I have another question.”

“Shoot, Benny boy is on a roll here. Gonna blow your mind with all my answers.”

“Why did you sell me out to the army? Why did you let them take my arm?”

Nope! Abort mission. Benny boy wants to get off this ride now please and thank you. 

Silence stretches out between them. Benrey suddenly wishes he had his helmet back. It’s easy to hide inside it, hide his face and his feelings, swallow the sweet voice and put on an air of indifference. It’s a lot easier than honesty and words. 

“Didn’t...I didn’t know they would...s’ was supposed to be fun. A little prank.”

“A prank!? You got my arm chopped off as a prank?!”

Oh no, raised voice, eyes wide and teeth showing. Gordon is mad and not even the fun kind. Words Benrey, use your damn words! Why is it so hard? 

“Didn’t know they would- they were suppose to just...take you. Like, oh no they got Feetman, gotta- gotta go rescue him now. Your princess is in another castle style. They were not...I didn’t mean…” 

That really didn’t come out the way he’d hope. It’s so hard to talk about his thoughts from back then. It might only have been a couple of days but so much has changed for Benrey since then. How do you even explain your first experience of pain and all the realizations that follow it. 

“M’ sorry…” 

Welp, there goes his cool gamer image. 

He looks up from where his eyes have rested on the carpet and towards Gordon. The man sits ridgid on the ground, left arm holding on to where the right one should have been. His eyes are distant but sharp and Benrey can see how hard he is breathing through his nose. A tinge of fear runs up his spine, he really doesn't want to get punched again.

It takes time before Gordon's eyes meet his, Benrey is not sure how long but the sun has moved away from Gordon's back and it has taken the halo around his hair with it. When he speaks Benrey has to will himself not to jump at the sound. 

“I won’t forgive you for this.”

Benrey feels his body tightens, prepares to dash towards the door at any sign of aggression. A couple of bright white bubbles finds it way out of his mouth before he can force them down. 

“There is so much wrong with what you did, in how you acted and what you put not only me but the rest of the science team through.” 

But Gordon's tone isn’t aggressive, not really. It’s more tired and...disappointed? Huh, why does that create a whole new kind of bad feeling in the bottom of Benrey’s stomach?

“But, I think I understand a little bit better why you did some of the things you did. And that’s...good I guess? Hopefully it will make it easier to co-exist together for the time being. So no, I won’t forgive you, I don’t know if I even can. But I’ll try to set my feelings aside, at least for as long as you’re staying here.” The anger does seem to have left Gordon now, his eyes are still sharp but the tension has left his muscles.

Relief floods Benrey's body so fast it makes him lightheaded. It still sucks that Gordon won’t accept his apology but that might have been asking for too much after all. He allows himself to relax. 

“Hug?”

“Absolutely not!”

Hm, worth a shot. At least Gordon looks a bit calmer now. 

“Whatever, can we play now?”

“No.”

“C’mon dude I’ve answered all your stup-” Ease up on the insults Benrey, don’t piss him off again “uuuhh...your questions. Play Tekken now please?”

Why is Gordon always like this? He never wants to have fun even though it’s fun to have fun. Maybe it’s because he’s a scientist, all scientists seem to be allergic to fun stuff, except for Tommy who is cool...and Bubby when he decides to burn things up, that shit’s hillarious. 

“No we still need to establish some rules otherwise I will throttle you by the day's end.”

“Uuugh fine.”

“Will you listen?”

Benrey just blows him a raspberry. Gordon seems to take this as a yes. 

“Rule one, don’t break my stuff.”

“Why would I want to break your nerd shit?”

“Because just yesterday we were in Black Mesa and you kept smashing every damn crate that had ‘explosives’ written on it!”

“No I didn’t”

“Rule two, no more fucking gaslighting.”

“Wuh?”

“That! That thing you do when you pretend not to hear what I say or just fucking lie about what you just did.” 

Uh oh, Gordon's nostrils are back to flaring again, back it up Benrey, 

“Yeah ok fine, I won’t bullshit...as much.”

Gordon stares down at him and Benrey gives him his widest smile. See, friendly Benrey. 

“Rule three, no sneaking up on me.”

“Uuuhh, I don’t think that will be a problem anymore dude.” Fuck he was really going to miss teleportation. 

“Oh...right, sorry.”

Suddenly an idea pops into Benrey's head.

“Rule fou-” he starts but Gordon interrupts him.

“You don’t get to decide rules.”

“Oh wow rude much. Are you some kind of uuuuhhh...judge now. Judge Feetman?”

Gordon snorts out a laughter and Benrey grabs the moment before the other man starts talking again.

“Rule four, no hitting.”

Eyes upon him again, a look of guilt playing over Gordon's face. 

“Yeah...that’s- no hitting, yeah.” He is silent for a second before continuing. “That goes both ways though.”

Wow Feetman just walked right into that one huh.

“Bet you go both ways.” He punctuates with a winks and ooh that’s a pretty color on Gordon. 

\---

How? How does Benrey do that? In the span of just a couple of minutes he has made Gordon feel rage, frustration, amusement, guilt and now…this. It can’t be healthy to feel this many feelings in such a short timespan. He’s going to have an aneurysm or something. 

He’s actually relieved when Benrey starts nagging him about Tekken again. It works as a natural end of a conversation he really does not have the energy to continue. 

Gordon slips out to the kitchen, leaving Benrey to start the game, and reattaches his prosthetic. He’s note sure how gaming is going to work with it but who knows, might be good training. 

There are still a lot of conflicting feelings for Gordon surrounding Benrey's confessions. On one hand (literally), he’s so fucking angry. So much has been taken from him because of Benrey's stupid and selfish behaviour. But the anger has to stay in its box for the time being. 

There are also some things that he still doesn’t understand, Benrey's reason for betraying him for once. He feels that there is more under the surface, things that Benrey hasn't told him yet. He wants to dig deeper, find a reason that makes sense. But he has no energy to talk about it any more, maybe he can ask Tommy for help with this one later  
.  
At least Benrey can’t do as much damage now when he doesn’t have his powers. It’s a relief but it makes it harder to see him as the monster Gordon left behind in Xen. This is especially true when said monster is sitting on his couch, practically vibrating with held back energy and scrolling through the character selection in Tekken 7.

“So…” He feels unexpectedly awkward now that he’s gotten the heavy stuff out of the way, what do you even talk to Benrey about? “Who’s your main?” Eh, good enough. 

“Gotta go with Eddy.” 

“Really, you a button smash and win kinda guy?”

Benrey gives him a look.

“Are you disrespecting my main man Eddy and his sick kicks?”

“I just assumed you would be more of a technical player, with all your gamer talk and everything.”

“Alright, who’s yours then?”

Gordon curses his big mouth, he really hasn’t played Tekken enough to claim a main but he’s not going to let Benrey know that.

“Uhhh...Paul.”

“N00b”

“Just...shut up and play”

And Benrey does just that, at least until he wins the first round and he bursts out a stream pale pink followed by a whoop that makes Gordon almost jump out of his skin. 

“How’s that for button smash?!”

“Fuck off, I’m still getting used playing with my prosthetic. Best out of three.”

It’s kinda nice playing videogames with someone again. Gordon hasn’t really had the time to socialize much after his move to New Mexico two years ago. Work took up most of his time and none of the scientists there had seemed like they would enjoy gaming (except maybe Dr. Coomer but he hadn’t figured that out until last week). So he had played mostly online with some old friends but it really is a different feeling sitting beside someone on the couch, even if that someone is a depowered, alien, apex predator who he’d tried to kill yesterday. 

In the end it’s best out of twelve with Benrey still as the winner before Gordon's rumbling stomach signals the end of the game. 

“Dude, even your tummy is booing you”

“It’s not...I’m hungry and it’s well past lunch time.”

“What’s up with you humans and eating all the time.” As on cue, Benrey's stomach gurgles. 

Gordon decides to try out the reward system again. 

“If you help me clean out the fridge I can cook us some lunch.”

“No thanks. Don’t wanna touch your gross ass fridge.”

“I mean I can just do it myself, but I’m only going to cook something for me in that case.”

“Rude! Top 10 anime betrayals. Gordon Meanman slavedriver over here.”

The way Benrey's eyes narrow and how he bares his teeth while throwing out more insults suddenly reminds Gordon of a cat whose tail has been stepped on. 

Crossing his arms and raising his eyebrow he gives the best ‘I’m waiting’ look he can muster until Benrey's insults simmer down to a grumble. 

“So?”

“Ugh fine!”

He decides to not be too cruel, even if Benrey deserves it, and gives him the job of holding out the trash bag for Gordon to discard the spoiled food into. Luckily it’s not as bad as it could have been. The chicken is still vacuumed sealed so the stench of rotten meat is not as bad as it could have been. Although he almost gags when Benrey asks why he has a headcrab in his fridge. That’s going to ruin chicken for a while. 

He manages to salvage some root vegetables, the eggs are still ok and the bell peppers are just a bit wrinkly but have no mold. Looking over his findings Gordon goes through his options. 

“Even eaten omelette before?”

“Of course I have, who haven’t eaten umlot.”

“Omelette.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Remember the second rule?”

For a second it looks like Benrey's going to say something stupid again but he’s interrupted by another loud gurgle from his stomach and instead groans dramatically. 

“I think I’m dying!”

“No you're not, you’re just hungry. Get used to the feeling, you’re going to have it at least three times a day.”

“Is this why you’re so...uuhh cranky all the time.”

Gordon is about to protest but thinking back on their week long adventure he has to admit that he was hangry most of the time. 

“Second rule.”

“Mean ass…” Gurgle “No bullshit.”

“ _Have_ you eaten omelett before?”

How Benrey succeeds in making a paus sound grumpy he doesn’t know. 

“No.”

“See, that wasn’t so hard. Now get out of my way and I’ll make us lunch.”

He'd hope that Benrey would take the hint and go back to the videogame but instead the alien pulls out a chair from the kitchen table to sit down and watch Gordon work. Trying to ignore the eyes that bores into his back he reaches for a knife and a cutting board. 

It feels a bit weird chopping vegetables with his new arm. The motions are a bit stiff and he finds himself being extra careful as not to cut his other hand. Problems arise when it’s time to crack the eggs. The first one breaks in his hand, it’s still hard to control the strength of the grip. 

“You a little clumsy boy aren't cha?”

“And whose fault is that?” It comes out sharper then he means to but he refuses to feel guilty about it. There is the sound of the chair scraping over the floor and for a second he thinks Benrey has retreated to the living room. 

“You uuuhh...need some help with that?”

Gordon is not prepared to feel the heat of another body as Benrey crowds him into the counter. Another egg meets its death on the floor as a yelp escapes him. 

“Calm down.” A string of blue floats by and a hand reaches past him and plucks an egg from the carton. 

“Rule three!” 

“Wasn’t sneaking.” With that Benrey gives the egg a slight tap against the counter and opens it one handed over the mixing bowl.

Gordon gapes at him. 

“No fucking way that you now how to do that. You’re fucking with me somehow.”

Benrey looks up at him, one eyebrow raised and without breaking eye contact he repeats the feat and another egg slips into the bowl.

“How?”

“Pigeons.”

“What do you mean- you know what, I don’t want to now.” Gordon shifts away towards the stove, creating some much needed space between them. “Ok, I guess that’s your job then.”

“Cool, how many?”

“Just use all of them, I’m going shopping after this anyway.”

It’s all so...domestic. Gordon can’t really wrap his head around it. Benrey has apparently decided not to be a little shit for the time being and actually does what Gordon tells him too. He even sets the table. What kind of bizarro universe is this?

Their joint effort turns out a quiet decent omelett if Gordon can say so himself. He wishes that the cocktail tomatoes had survived the week in the fridge and that he had some fresh basil to top it off with but by the look on Benrey's face as he scarfs down the food at least he isn’t minding. 

“Fuuuuuck man, this shit is ballin’!”

“Is that a compliment?” 

“Heck yeah it is! This is much better than that waffle thing.”

“Of course it is, home cooked is always better than store bought.” Gordon can’t help but to puff his chest a little at the compliment. He hasn’t cooked for anyone but himself since Joushua was here last time. It feels...nice, being appreciated, even if the one complimenting him is an alien who might not have eaten anything but soda in his life. 

“Look at...Gordon Ramsey over here.”

Gordon barks out a laugh at that. 

“How the fuck do you know who Gordon Ramsey is but not what an omelett is?” 

“He’s the dude from the ‘idiot sandwich’ meme, duh”

Wheezing with laughter Gordon hopes he can get through lunch without choking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bright white means fright
> 
> Pale pink like skin means I'm going to win.
> 
> Yellow to orange like a fuse igniting means I find this exciting.
> 
> Whoop, third chapter. I think this is the chapter I have done the most work on. It was hard getting the big conversation right but I got some really good feedback from my girlfriend so I think it turned out ok. Gonna keep posting new chapters on Fridays so look forward to that :)


	4. Chapter 4

So food is apparently the best. Who knew that the mushy stuff the folks back in Black Mesa stuffed their faces with was actually good all along? Benrey has eaten before of course. He likes soda and sometimes he raided the vending machine closest to his gamer pad for Doritos. He might have also tasted an alien or two after the Resonance Cascade, just to make sure they weren’t poison or some shit like that. But that was just to fill time, he didn’t need to eat. But having your body crave sustenance apparently changes your view on things. 

The waffle Gordon had given him in the morning had been ok, a bit dry and samey but this omelett thing was different. It was soft and salty and savoury and sweet all at the same time. And Gordon had made this, Gordon had made something and shared it with Benrey. It’s all very new and a bit overwhelming. He’s thankful that his mouth is busy during the meal because he’s sure that the sweet voice burning in the back of his throat is a really cringe color that he doesn't want Gordon to see. 

As soon as he has finished his plate, Gordon is on his feets again, picking stuff up and putting them in different places, wiping off the counter and the kitchen table. Benrey really doesn’t get this part of Gordon, he always seems to have the need to do things. Even when sitting down he has to fill the space with talking or yelling. Why can’t he just relax a bit, join Benrey in a quiet hang sesh. Nothing wrong with two dudes sitting in silence and observing the world go by. 

“Wanna play some more Tekken?”

“As fun as it sounds, having you keep beating my ass with button mashing bullshittery, I have some things to take care of.”

“Booo, Boorgon Boringman over here.”

“That one barely makes any sense.” 

Benrey just smacks his lips and fixates Gordon with a stare. Sometimes you just have to keep eye contact till they give. It only takes a couple of seconds before Gordon shifts and looks away. Hah, looser. 

“Anyway! I need to pick up some groceries. Do you wanna-”

“Why are you doing that? You gonna steal something?”

Benrey really can’t help himself can he? He tried to provoke Gordon after their little talk, not wanting to push his luck. But it’s just too much fun making Gordon reach that level of frustration. Face flushing red with anger, eyes narrowing just like that as they focus squarely on Benrey, man that really gets to him.   
“Rule two.” The words are pushed out through gritted teeth. 

“I aint bullshitting though. Gotta- gotta make sure you don’t steal or get lost or hurt or sumthin’.”

Gordon seems taken back at that and the anger leaves his face to make room for a mild confusion. 

“Yeah sure, tag along or whatever. We need to buy some clothes for you anyway.”

Benrey looks down at the too small t-shirt, now adorned with a food stain in the middle of the chest. 

“Yo bro, you gonna get me some sick loot? Ultra rare skin direct from the lootbox.”

It takes them a while to get out of the house. Gordon seems to have to do a million smaller things before he can go anywhere. Benrey passes the time by putting on his guard uniform again. He leaves the bullet proof vest lying on the floor beside the helmet. It feels...wrong wearing it now, like it represents something he’s not or can’t be anymore. Putting it into a tangible thought is hard so he just leaves it together with the helmet and the vest. 

Benrey's eyes are used to the cold fluorescens in the corridors of Black Mesa and they are built for the dark vast of Xen. They are not meant to be unshielded in the harsh midday sunlight of New Mexico. He really regrets leaving the helmet behind the moment he is out of the door. Hissing in pain he shields and closes his eyes, frozen to the spot and not daring to move down the two steps from Gordon's front door. Gotta be careful with that fall damage now that he has limited HP. 

“You coming or not?” 

Fuck, he’s not sure he can bullshit his way through this one. Even squinting hurts his eyes so much that they water. 

“Uuuh one sec, gotta try to adjust the...contrast on this level.” What is he even saying right now?

He hears steps coming up to him and oh no, Gordon is going to see him cry! He’s not even sad, eyes are just taking light damage right now. 

“Is it too bright for you?”

He allows himself to nod. Fuck acting cool, this shit’s hurting too much!

Eyes still closed he feels Gordon walk past him and the front door opens again. A second later something soft is placed on his head. His hands travel up to the cap covering his hair and when they leave his eyes something cool is placed on his nose. Finally he dares to peek and looks on the world through dark tinted glass. 

“I brought those when I was still trying out contacts but they just gathered dust lately. You can have them.”

Rubbing his eyes free from tears, Benrey realizes that it’s a pair of pilot sunglasses, large enough to shield out any sunlight that the cap doesn’t catch. 

“I...cool, thanks”

Gordon looks at him and snorts out air through his nose.

“What?”

“You look a bit secret service right now, with the sunglasses and the shirt and tie combo.”

Benrey holds up two fingers to his ear, mimicking a headpiece.

“Alpha Delta this is uuuuhhh...Best Boy Benny, the eagle has left the nest, I repeat, the eagle has left the nest.”

This gets a genuine laugh out of Gordon and Benrey can’t help chuckling along, even though it’s super lame to laugh at your own jokes. 

\---

Gordon is not sure how his car ended up back at his home. Last time he saw the beat up Volvo it had been in the big underground parking garage back at Black Mesa. He’d thought it lost like everything else left behind back there. But things buried in Black Mesa don’t seem to stay buried very long. Just as Benrey had crawled his way out, so it seemed Gordon's old dark blue Volvo s80 had as well. Although he strongly suspects a certain G-man Colatta had something to do with it. 

“Shotgun!”

Benrey scrambles into the front seat as soon as Gordon unlocks the car. Looking over he is yet again unable to read the aliens face now that it’s hidden behind both a cap and sunglasses. He does strike a bit of an intimidating image like this. Gordon was only half kidding when he said he looks like secret service. He has a Men in Black thing going on right now ironically enough. 

“Alright Benrey, we’re going out in public, that means you can’t behave however you want.”

“I always behave.”

“Yeah, badly, that’s the point I’m trying to make. I don’t know how much Black Mesa let you get away with but out here, in society, you might be arrested if you try some of the shit you did back there.”

He gets a blank stare in return. 

“K.”

“No, not ok!” Gordon clenches his fist in an attempt not to shake the other man. “Ok so like, all the house rules apply out of the house. That means no destruction, no weird bullshit, no sneaking up and talking to random people and absolutely no hitting!”

“Alright but you don’t get to steal anything either.” 

“I don’t...you know what fine, no stealing for any of us, happy?”

Benrey gives him a wide toothy grin and doesn’t say anything. Without the context of his eyes or eyebrows that smile is a lot more predatory than before and it sends a chill down Gordon's spine.

The car ride starts out silent until Benrey starts flipping through the channels on the car radio. Gordon lets him until he stops in between two channels, only static coming out of the speakers. 

“Hell yeah! This is my jam.”

“Nope! No fucking way, radio privileges revoked.”

“Mean.”

“If you stop fucking around for just one second I won’t have to be mean.”

“S’ just for fun dude, relax.”

Gordon swallows at least five different insults and instead focuses on the road, stewing in silence.

“So...where are we going?”

Ok Gordon, try not to lose your patience this time, let’s have a normal conversation.

“First we’re going to the mall to buy some clothes for you, then we’re going to pick up some groceries.” See, domestic and normal, no room for Benrey to start teasing or provoking. 

“Sounds a bit shit.”

“I WILL CRASH THIS CAR SO HELP ME GOD!”

“Rule four.”

“Oh you would use that against me wouldn't you.”

Somehow they manage to get to their destination without bloodshed and Benrey even behaves for all of 15 minutes while they walk from the car and into the air conditioned interior of the mall. But when they round a corner Gordon has to slap a hand over Benrey's mouth to stop a stream of bright yellow and orange bubbles. 

“You can’t use sweet voice in public.” He hisses looking around trying to see if someone spotted the act. 

“...”

Gordon draws back his hand as if burned.

“Did you just lick me?” On his hand is a spot of fading orange. 

“They have Gamestop here.” 

His eyes follow the finger pointing to the store just in sight from where they are standing. Gordon doesn’t need to see Benrey's face to recognize the immense excitement in his voice. 

Ok, time for the reward system again. 

“We can go there after we find some clothes for you, if you behave.” He forces himself not to cringe at that last part, it sounds a bit too much as when he is talking to his son and it feels very weird directing that towards another adult. Even if that adult acts like a child a lot of the time. 

“Yes siiiir.” The tone is a drawn out mockery of a valley girl accent and now Gordon does cringe. 

The reward system doesn’t fail him this time either and he actually manages to get Benrey into one of the cheaper clothing stores and tells him to find some basic items for himself. 

“Wuh...I get to choose?”

“What are you five? Yes you get to choose your own clothing.”

“Never done that before.” It comes out as a murmur and Gordon has to strain to even hear what has been said. 

It hits him that he really doesn’t know anything about Benrey's life in Black Mesa before the Resonance Cascade. He has come to understand that Benrey was raised there and apparently never has stepped a foot outside the facility until yesterday. He’s not sure if he wants to know more than that though. 

On one hand it might help him navigate their interaction a bit more smoothly, maybe find what triggers Benrey's need to be a little shit. On the other (metallic) hand, he really doesn’t need the aliens tragic backstory. Gordon's emotions about him are conflicted enough as is after Benrey's confessions this morning. Maybe he can leave it up to Benrey if he wants to share or not. Knowing his unwillingness to talk about anything serious at length he probably won’t learn much. 

Somehow Benrey succeeds in finding every meme and gaming adjacent piece of clothing in the store, this includes a matching set of boxers and socks with pacman on it and a dark blue hoodie with a picture of a cat shooting rainbows out of its eyes on the back. 

“It’s this what the kids are into these days?” Gordon might be a bit of a gamer himself but he will never understand gamer fashion. 

“Hottest thing on the market. It’s uuuh...high couture.”

“Whatever Tyra Banks. Do you need any pants?”

Benrey grabs a pair of jeans from the display next to him and without even looking adds them to his already sizable pile.

“You didn’t even try them.”

“They’ll fit.”

“Ok man, don’t come complaining to me when you balls get crushed.”

“Why you thinking about my balls Feetman?”

“You wanna go to Game Stop or not?”

Ah, blessed silence. 

Letting Benrey loose in the Game Stop store is a bit like watching an animal getting released from a cage for the first time in its life. The first steps into the store are tentative, it’s almost comical watching Benrey walk around like it’s hallowed ground. It doesn’t take long for him to gain confidence and soon he starts browsing through the PS4 section. 

Gordon lets himself get distracted while searching through a box of trade-ins and it is a while before he looks up, trying to locate Benrey. He finds him standing at the register talking to one of the employees and Gordon's instincts tell him to hurry over and drag Benrey away. The last thing he needs is for the alien to cause an incident and get them both banned from the mall. But as Gordon gets closer he starts to register the conversation going on. 

“I mean it’s not like God of War in terms of you know...gameplay, I’m talking about the influence it had on the console generation.” Benrey's voice is slightly less monotone than usual, a hint of excitement noticeable even from a bit away. 

“Yeah I see what you mean, never thought about it in those terms. I might try it out.”

“You really should, it’s an uuhh...experience.”

“Hey, what’s your gamertag? Me and some friends usually get together and play COD on weekends, you said you needed more online friends right.”

“That’s awesome man! It’s johnwicklover1994.”

“Dude, those movies are so good.”

“Right! Like in that scene when-”

Sensing that this is a conversation without a noticeable end Gordon decides to step in.

“C’mon Benrey it’s time to go. We still need to get food.”

“Yeah ok.” 

Gordon is just about to turn around and walk out when a game case is held up in front of his eyes. 

“What do I need to do for you to buy me this?” It’s a copy of Heavenly Sword for PS4. 

Oh, so Benrey has picked up on his reward system. And now he’s trying to use it for his own gain. Well two can play that game and Gordon already has a price in mind. 

“You clean the kitchen after I’ve cooked.”

“Deal!”

The game and a dark grey chullo with playstation symbols is placed by the register. Gordon chooses not to comment.

\---

Today has been a weird mix of both the worst and best day of Benrey's life. Losing his powers sucked, eating was awesome, talking about cringy stuff he had done in Black Mesa was so unpog but visiting an actual real life Game Stop was the closest Benery had been to a religious experience. So all in all, weird day. At least he got some good loot out of it. 

Going to the place where humans picked up all their food is also kind of interesting. Not as fascinating as talking about video games with an actual live person and not over voice chat but at least it isn’t boring. Walking through the isles he marvels at the sheer quantity of it all. They have a whole section with only Doritos, and he didn’t even know there were this many brands of sodas. Gordon is his same boring self though. Every time Benery finds something he wants to take home he has some lame excuse to why he can’t.

“What would you even do with ten copies of Paul Blart: Mall Cop?”

“Watch them?”

“All ten of them? Isn’t one enough?”

Benrey puts one blu ray in the cart.

“No! I already got you a ton of stuff, we are only here for food.”

“Boo! We hate this!”

“I literally don’t care.”

Benrey wanders off and finds himself in the beauty isle which reinvigorates his enthusiasm. 

“I need this.” He states when he finds Gordon in front of an actual mountain of apples.

“Why do you need warm vanilla sugar shampoo?”

“It’s my signature scent bro.”

Gordon gives an incredulous laughter.

“You have a signature scent?”

“Not all of us can pull off the dusty nerd smell like you Feetman.”

Snatching the bottle from Benrey, Gordon eyes it critically. 

“I’m not paying 22 bucks for a shampoo. You can use my Head and Shoulders, I have an extra bottle at home.”

“Nooo, can’t do that. Doesn’t....doesn’t taste as good.”

“I’m sorry, taste?”

Benrey falls back to his usual half lidded stare in lieu of answering.

“No!” The bottle is put back on a shelf together with bags of onions.

In the end he succeeds in hiding a bag of Doritos and a can of Mountain Dew under a pile of vegetables in the cart. When Gordon finds them at the checkout he just gives Benrey (who is totally innocent in this!) a raised eyebrow and puts it on the conveyor belt. 

When they get home Benrey is on a mission. Rifling through the groceries he finds his gamer fuel and the copy of Heavenly Sword. Arms full he all but sprints out to the living room, a trail of yellow to orange trailing behind. 

“Man you gotta come see this Feetman! It’s gonna totally blow your mind, best game of the generation.”

Gordon wanders in from the kitchen, a look of confusion on his face.

“What, you want me to watch?”

“Duh! You can’t miss the...epic journey that is Heavenly Sword.”

“Uuuhh...sure, yeah I can watch you play I guess.” 

Benrey doesn’t really get why Gordon sounds so confused. Is it like weird to invite a bro to hang and watch videogames? Tommy never seemed to mind. At least he isn’t protesting and whining so that’s a clear improvement. Feetman level up. Maybe it’s time to give him a reward. 

Benrey isn’t stupid, he knows Gordon has been bribing him all day. It’s fun seeing him think that he has somehow outsmarted Benrey, kinda cute too. And if it’s ok for Gordon to do it, it should be ok for Benrey. Only Benrey’s not going to be a totally obvious n00b about it, no he’s going to be sneaky, Batman Arkham style. 

Gordon is being a nice bro right now, hanging with Benrey and watching him play video games, that means Benrey will share his doritos even though Gordon did not ask before taking one (which in any other case would have earned him an insult). He won’t even complain about the small clicking noise that the little thingy Goron is playing with does. And when Gordon's eyes start to droop and his head falls back against the backrest Benrey doesn’t let out a shrill sweet voice to wake him up because he’s missing the best part. 

He does however have to hold back a surprised sound when Gordon's leg falls to the side and presses into his own. Dammit, here comes the cringe feelings again. He pauses the game and steals a glance at Gordon. 

Back during their adventure in Black Mesa one of his favourite pastimes at night was to observe the others sleep. Humans are so different when they’re totally relaxed and unaware of their surroundings, and this is especially true for Gordon. While sleeping, his face is smoother, the lines on his forehead are gone, the tightness that always seems to linger around his jaw slackens. It’s fascinating to watch and even more so now when his body isn’t obscured by the HEV suit.

He just looks so soft with his head lolled over on one shoulder and mouth slightly open, his face framed by curly brown hair. It’s all Benrey can do not to reach out and touch him, and he really wants to run his fingers through those locks right now. The sweet voice burning to get out tastes saccharine sweet in the back of his throat and he almost gags willing it back down. Gordon does not need to wake up and see that. Benrey does not need to see it either. The game is left on pause. 

\---

He is way too old to sleep on the couch his body loudly reminds him of this as Gordon slowly sits up and cracks his neck.

“Oh hey you up? You a little sleepy boy huh, Gordon...Gordon Sleepman.”

Oh right, Benrey’s here. Looking over he finds him slightly hunched over the controller, new playstation chullo pulled down over his head and a dorito triangle hanging from the corner of his lip. The image of a true gamer. Squinting at the screen it takes Gordon’s foggy mind a minute to register what Benrey’s playing. 

“Tekken?”

“Yeah, gotta keep my gaming strats tight if I’m gonna keep beating you.”

“I thought you were gonna play Heavenly Sword.”

“I was playing, then you went and had a little nap and almost missed all the good stuff.”

“Oh…” Is Benrey trying to include him? Gordon doesn’t know how to feel about that. He does not trust Benrey to try to do something nice, especially for him. So what was his angle here? It would almost be easier if Benrey just kept being the little fucker that he was back in Black Mesa, maybe then Gordon could justify the lingering anger that keeps rearing its ugly head every time he looks at Benrey. 

“How long was I out?”

Benrey just shrugs, eyes glued to the tv. 

Gordon's stomach says it’s around dinner time and the clock on his phone agrees. 

“I’m going to get dinner started.”

Turning towards the kitchen he hears the game pause and to his dismay Benrey follows him into the kitchen.

“You don’t have to be in here, you know, you can keep playing if you want. I’ll call when it’s done.”

“Nah, gotta make sure you aren’t a little clumsy boy. Dropping stuff all over the place, gotta...gotta be the one who cleans up all that.” 

Oh so Benrey does remember their deal after all. And he intends to keep it? This really is some kind of bizarro dimension. 

It’s going to be something easy tonight, Gordon does not have the mental capacity for advanced cooking. So, pasta carbonara it is. He goes through the motions with only a slight delay thanks to the prosthetic. It truly is a marvel how well it follows his commands even though it’s mostly holding on to things like the handle of a knife and the frying pan. When he gets to the eggs though he hesitates and Benrey is on his feet immediately. At least this time Gordon's is prepared for it.

“You know how to separate an egg?”

“Separate from what?”

“Can you open it without pouring the egg yolk into the bowl?”

Benrey does just that and then carefully follows Gordon's instructions how to pour the yolk between the halved shells until all the whites have run down into the bowl.

It’s fascinating watching Benrey focus on something Gordon realizes. Just as he does with videogames all of his attention is kept on this one singular task, eyes narrowed in concentration and the tip of his tongue sticking out. It would almost be endearing, if it wasn’t Benrey doing it. 

That’s a mean way to put it, a traitorous part of Gordon's mind prompts. 

Fuck, Gordon really doesn’t have the energy for this kind of mental battle at the moment. Just focus on the cooking, leave conflicting feelings about alien houseguest for later. 

Gordon opts to have dinner in front of the tv, not wanting to have to start another conversation with Benrey if he can avoid it. Luckily Benrey doesn’t seem to mind and leaves him to his thoughts and bowl of pasta. He tries to keep his focus on the weird robot movie Benrey chose but Gordon’s mind keeps wandering. 

Benrey's presence aside, he doesn’t know what he is supposed to do now. He survived a literal, if somewhat local, apocalypse, he’s permanently disabled and he’s pretty sure he suffers from some kind of PTSD. Maybe talking to a therapist like Martin had suggested wasn’t such a bad idea. Aren’t there medications for stuff like that? But how would you even start that kind of conversation? 

‘Hi doc, I was in a workplace accident where we opened up a portal to another planet and aliens ate most of my coworkers. Also I’ve killed more people than I care to count and I have an alien who I thought I killed living in my home for the next couple of weeks.’ Yeah, that will be a one way ticket to a straight jacket.

Even with his earlier nap Gordon feels an overwhelming tiredness coming over him. 

“I’m going to bed, you can stay up and do whatever. Just remember our rules and please don’t wake me unless it’s some kind of emergency.”

“Lol, ok Gordon Sleepman.”

“I’m not even going to comment on the fact that you said L O L out loud.”

He doesn’t wait for a response but as he gets closer to the stairs he hears a couple of notes of sweet voice and looking back there are a few bubbles of calming blue floating in his direction. 

“Good night to you too I guess?” 

Gordon doesn’t get an answer, Benrey's focus is already back on the tv. Sighing, he climbs the stairs, praying for a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow to bright orange like a fuse igniting means I find this exciting. 
> 
> Hello again! This is more of a shenanigan chapter, we will be back next week with our regular scheduled angst ;) Again Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments. Im having so much fun writing this so it feels good that I other people enjoy it too <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack

Before Benrey lies Xen, vast, dark and quiet. In the distance there are stars in unknown constellations and before him floats a cluster of small islands. There are no movements anywhere, all is still. He hovers above it all, weightless as he always is in this place. He doesn’t like the silence, it’s somehow deafening so he sings to himself, filling the void with sound and colour. 

A flash of green grabs his attention and some islands away he sees something moving. They are small, almost mouse-like in size and it takes Benrey a second to recognize his friends. A barely contained giddiness fills him. They are here, they will entertain him better than the sweet voice ever could. It won’t be silent anymore, he won’t be alone. 

Yelling, why are they yelling? Why are they angry? Aren’t they friends? 

He wants them to understand but they just scream at him. No, they're running. Why are they running? They can’t go, can’t leave him alone here among the emptiness and quiet. Benrey wants to be with them, needs to be with them. 

So he follows, moves through space and objects like it’s nothing. Everytime he gets close to them they move again, jumping and hiding and avoiding. Avoiding him. They don’t want him. 

They- they hate him. 

That’s not fair! Benrey just wants to be with them, be their friend. Why do they hate him? He moves faster now, hunting, catching up. He can almost reach them. Giant clawed hands fumbling until he finally grabs something. Benrey pulls it towards himself. It struggles within his grasp so he holds on tighter and tighter and _tighter_ until he feels something break. 

Benrey awakes with an overwhelming sense of dread coursing through mind and body. A stream of bright white leaves his mouth and illuminates his surroundings. A small room, a bed, a drawer and a window. He’s not on Xen, he’s at Gordon's house, in the guest room. Judging by the darkness outside his window it’s still in the middle of the night. 

He has had nightmares before. Even though he didn't need to sleep it was still a way to pass time when things got too boring in Black Mesa. Sometimes he dreamt, and sometimes it was a nightmare. 

This is new though, too vivid, too close to something...real. He can still feel the sickening crunch his hand had made and a wave of nausea rolls through his stomach. Last time he felt this bad was when he had downed a gallon of green goop. Benrey really is a weak little chicken hat right now. 

He desperately wants to fall asleep again, get away from these feelings and thoughts but the fear of falling into the dream again keeps him awake. Is Gordon ok? It’s stupid, of course he is. He’s just upstairs in his bedroom, sleeping like a little idiot baby. 

Without even thinking Benrey sends out his mind, searching for that little ball of orange energy that is Gordon, only to find...nothing? Wait, that can’t be right, maybe he went outside, taking a midnight walk? He tries to expand his mind but finds only emptiness, a void without stars or life. 

Nononono.This is not happening, he can’t just be gone! He must be lost, hidden away somewhere where Benrey can’t find him. 

Almost falling out of bed he runs straight into the door before remembering that he has to open it now. The hallway outside is dark and he lets the panicked sweet voice light the way as he stumbles up the stairs. 

“Gordon?” 

Where is he? He needs to find him, needs to make sure he isn’t…”

“GORDON!” 

White and red before him, obscuring his sight. 

The door that slams open almost hits Benrey in the face. 

“What the fuck Benrey?!”

It takes him a second to register who stands before him, the flurry of the sweet voice and his own dizziness making it increasingly hard to focus. 

It’s Gordon, he’s here and he is safe. Benrey lets a trembling hand reach out and grab the hem of Gordon’s t-shirt just to make sure. 

“For god's sake it’s the middle of the night! Whatever this is…”

Maybe Gordon is still talking but Benrey can’t hear him. The blood that rushes past his ears silences everything around him. Heat shoots through his body like a bullet, it’s like the volcanic red in his voice flows within his very veins. He’s not sure when he started to cry but he feels the tears now, running hot down his cheeks. 

He can’t breathe, his throat feels clogged with sweet voice, spilling out without any sign of stopping. He gasps and claws at his throat, desperate to get it all out, but it’s too much. His vision is blurred with tears and red and white, ears still ringing. A sudden weight lands on his shoulder. Benrey grasps at it, feeling a hand, warm and sturdy and he holds it like a drowning man at a lifeline. 

“..rey, Benrey. Do you hear me?”

Still gasping for air he barely manages a single nod. 

“Benrey I think you’re having a panic attack. I need you to listen to me, ok?

Another nod and Benrey’s hand is pulled and placed on a broad, warm surface. 

“I need you to try and breathe with me ok? Breathe in…”

The surface under his hand expands and somewhere in the back of his mind Benrey realizes that his hand is on Gordon's chest. He tries taking a breath but the air feels like it’s made of syrup. 

“...and breath out…”

He lets out a shaky breath, mirroring the voice and the chest under his hand. 

“...breathe in…”

The air feels a bit lighter now.

“...and breathe out…”

He curls his hand in the fabric of Gordon's t-shirt, steadying himself. 

“Do you think you can do it yourself now?”

Benrey breathes in and out, his airways clear now. He nods.

“Ok, can you tell me four things you can see?”

His vision is still filled with panicked red and tears so he shakes his head. 

“Oh...uhm, how about three things you can hear?”

Yes, he can do that...maybe. Listening, Benrey hears a faint tapping from somewhere. 

“Tapping…” his voice is so shaky he barely registers it as his own. 

“Good, anything else?”

“Me…”

“Absolutely, and a third thing.”

“You.”

“Now, two things you can feel.”

Benrey’s free hand drags over the wooden floor. When had he sat down?

“Floor.”

“One more thing.”

His grip tightens around Gordon's t-shirt.

“You.”

“Ok, wanna try one thing you can see?”

The tears seem to have stopped and when he slowly opens his eyes most red and white bubbles have disappeared into the ether. Lifting his eyes Benrey takes in the view before him. 

Gordon sits in front of him, curls wild around his head. He doesn’t have his glasses on and it makes his face look naked somehow. There is a look of concern on his face, eyebrows slightly knitted together but his lips are curved in a small encouraging smile. 

“You.” 

“Are you...how do you feel?”

He’s not sure he can answer that yet.

“Why are we on the floor?”

Gordon huffs out a quiet laugh. 

“Shorter distance to fall if you hyperventilate yourself into unconsciousness.”

Clenching his hand he realizes that it’s still holding on to Gordon's t-shirt. He wants to keep it there, keep feeling the warmth and the faint beating of Gordon's heart. Benrey lets it be for now, praying that Gordon isn’t going to notice.

“That sucked!”

“Never had a panic attack before?”

“No. Is that a thing? Why is it a thing?”

“Well it’s kinda...ugh it’s too early for this. Uuuh...our minds are stupid and decides to panic when we’re too stressed and for some reason it feels like you’re dying.”

“Wow...your brains are fucked up.”

“So is yours apparently.”

Gordon hesitates for a second before carefully untangling Benrey's hand from his shirt.

“You...you wanna talk about it?”

Benrey really doesn’t. But he also doesn't want to let Gordon go back to bed. Doesn’t want to be alone. 

“I...there was this really lame-ass dream. Woke me up and I uhh decided to check on you. Ya know, make sure you got your...your beauty sleep. But you were gone and I guess my stupid brain got stressed by that or something.”

“What do you mean I was gone? I was sleeping in my room.”

“No like, couldn’t find you in here.” Benrey taps a finger to his forehead.

“You forgot about me?”

“No! It’s like...my mind mini map is broken.”

“Your...what?”

Finally something clicks for Benrey's. 

“Oh dip, humans don’t have that?”

“A mini map in our heads? No we don’t.” There is a bewildered smile on Gordon's face, it fits very well with his bedhead. 

“Aw man, so that’s gone too now. So unpog.”

“Wait, so you could see me on your mini map?”

“Could see all of you. Gave you individual markers and everything. Gotta keep track of my pals.”

“Is that how you found my house?”

“Duh.”

“Don’t ‘duh’ me.”

Benrey really can’t help himself.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh.”

“Benrey...I’m going back to bed.”

Benrey's hand shoots out and grabs a hold of the t-shirt again. Mind screaming to keep Gordon with him, don’t let him out of your sight. Gordon stops and looks down at him, eyes questioning. 

“I...uuuhhhh. Can’t sleep. Brain still stupid. Keep me company?” Ugh that sounded so cringe. “Please and thank you.” Good job there Benny boy, not pathetic at all. 

Gordon rubs his eyes a bit, he’s probably really tired. Benrey feels bad about keeping him awake but a tired Gordon beats being alone a hundred times over.

“Uhm...play Heavenly Sword? It’s ok if you fall asleep again...just wanna keep an eye on you.”

“Keep an eye on me? Why? Has it something to do with the nightmare?”

Benrey had almost managed to forget about that. Images rush back, and he feels his heart start beating faster. A couple of red bubbles float out as his eyes start to tear up again. Get a grip man, you are below a meta critic score of 60 right now!

“Ah fuck, that was a stupid question. Sorry you don’t have to talk about it.” Gordon's voice is hurried and he sounds a bit panicked himself.

Panic attacks apparently disables Benrey's mind to voice filter because when he opens his mouth next all that comes out is: 

“Hug?” 

Oh no, what is Benrey saying right now? Will Gordon get mad at him now? Is he going to leave? Letting go of Gordon’s shirt he fists them in his own t-shirt, waiting for the inevitable slam of a bedroom door. But it doesn’t come, instead he feels warmth enveloping him and it takes him several seconds to realize that he is getting hugged by...Gordon. 

As soon as Benrey’s brain catches up it goes into overload. Firsts order of business, hug back like a polite bro. No use making Gordon think that he was just messing with him. Second order of business, memorize the hell out of this hug, gonna have this on loop in his brain for the rest of his life, new permanent screensaver. 

Gordon is indeed very soft. Benrey can feel his fingers sink into Gordon’s soft sides. Curly brown hair tickles the side of his face and it’s all Benrey can do not to bury his nose in it. The next thing he notices is how warm Gordon is. It’s like hugging a furnace. Are all humans this warm? Focus Benrey! Fuck he smells good too, is this that Head and Shoulders he was talking about? Oh no, sweet voice trying to get through. Swallow that shit down, ain't no one wanna see your cringe ass feelings right now Benrey. 

“Dude, are you ok? You are shaking like a leaf.” Gordon pulls back to survey him

Benrey takes the opportunity to escape the situation.

“Y-yeah! Nothing..uhh...weird at all. Situation normal. Let’s- let’s go play some video games!” 

Nailed it! Not suspicious at all. At least Gordon is following him down the stairs so at least Benrey didn’t fuck up too bad.

\-----

When Gorodon wakes up it’s with the sun in his eyes and a slight pain in his back. Why is he on the couch now again? He squints and makes out the blurry outline of Benrey, curled up and sleeping in the armchair beside the couch. His chullo pulled down deep and PS4 controller hanging loosely from his hand. 

Right, Benrey had come up the stairs yelling his name in the middle of the night and then collapsed in a panic attack. Apparently aliens can have those. 

Gordon stretches on the couch a bit before he goes upstairs to fetch his glasses and attach the prosthetic. His mind keeps wandering back to the night before. 

There had been a second when he had stood over the whimpering form of Benrey when the ugly feelings had escaped it’s locked up cage. A voice that Gordon really didn’t want to acknowledge as his own had whispered that he should just go back to his room, close the door and leave Benrey to get through it on his own. He deserved it after all. But another part of Gordon had acted on instinct upon seeing the suffering in front of him, immediately starting the usual routine he used when helping out with panic attacks. The ugly feeling stuffed right back in it’s box. 

Gordon might suck at handling his own attacks, as proved by the multiple ones he’s had after the Resonance Cascade, but at least he had experience helping Martin with his back in the days. Alien or not the same techniques had seemed to work on Benrey. 

It had been weird seeing Benrey like that. There was such a display of complete vulnerability that really did not fit with the image of Benrey from just a couple of days ago. Although that was true from a lot of things since he’d showed up on his doorstep. Maybe that’s why he’d accepted the request for a hug? Poor dude really looked like he needed one at the moment. 

And it had been...nice? Gordon hadn’t really realized how long it had been since he had someone touch him. Having spent the last week trapped in a HEV suit and the time before that living a single life without any real time to socialize he’d gone long without much more than a handshake or a friendly pat on the shoulder.

Smiling a bit to himself he moves toward the kitchen in hunt for coffee. 

It had also been kinda hilarious seeing Benrey freak out after it. He apparently dishes out more than he can take. Gotta file that away for future reference. 

Hell, maybe Benrey isn’t so bad after all. Maybe all the guy needs is a bit of sympathy and…

His thoughts screech to a halt as he enters the kitchen. 

That little motherfucker. 

Turning on his heel he stomps back into the living room and all but shakes said motherfucker awake. 

“What the hell did you do to my kitchen?!”

Bleary eyes look up at him.

“Wuh…?”

“My kitchen. What. Did. You. Do?”

“Uuuuhhh...cleaned it? What, you so messy you can’t even recognize when something is clean?”

Grabbing Benrey collar of his shirt, he drags him out of the room.

“Is this clean according to you?”

Gordon's not sure how long it had taken Benrey to empty what seemed like every single drawer and cabinet in the whole kitchen but it could not have been an easy task. Every flat surface is covered by utensils, food, plates and every other thing Gordon had ever stored in the room. At some places Benrey seems to have constructed elaborate towers of things, boxes of cereals balancing precariously on a roll of paper towels which in turn is jammed down on an apple. How it even stands upright is anyone's guess.

Benrey's surveys his work, pride beaming on his face.

“You had all your stuff hidden away, now you can see everything. Easy access and shit.”

“The fuck kind of logic is that even?”

“A...good one?”

“No it’s not!”

Benrey gives him an affronted look.

“Wow, rude much? Spent a lot of time on this. Upheld my part of the deal and everything. Why you being so...uhhh mean and rude?

Hold it in Gordon, remember rule four. He directs the energy into glaring at the alien instead. 

“You are going to put every. Single. Thing. Back where you found it or I swear to god I will forget my promise to Tommy and put you out on the curb in a fucking box.”

Benrey has the sense to look a bit worried before he turners and looks out over the kitchen again.

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

“You have some kind of uuhh...map where everything suppose to go?”

Gordon drags his real hand down his face. Fuck he just wanted a cup of coffee and some cereals this morning. But apparently that is too much to ask for with an alien in the house.

“Fine, I’ll point it out for you, but you’re going to do all the heavy lifting.”

It takes about an hour before they both sit in silence at the kitchen table. Everything put back in, hopefully, its right place. Gordon’s nursing a cup of coffee while Benrey eats away at a bowl of cereal. He eats it without milk, like some kind of heathen, and the crunching is slowly driving Gordon mad. 

Gordon is also seething with anger from earlier. Benrey must have known exactly what he was doing. By trying to look incompetent at cleaning he was trying to get out of any future responsibilities. Trying to get the hotel treatment from Gordon until he can escape to Tommy’s or whatever. 

Unfortunately for him Gordon is a stubborn fucker and he will teach Benrey how to clean up his own messes even if it ends them both. And then Benrey won't be able bullshit his way out of his responsibilities anymore because that would be against rule three. This is an airtight plan. Fuck you Benrey for trying to outsmart an M.I.T graduate!

The handle to the coffee cup he’s holding breaks in the increased grip of the prosthetic. 

“You a little clumsy boy aren’t cha.”

Gordon lets his head slip down, forehead meeting the cool surface of the table. What the fuck is he even doing? You can’t use logic on an anomaly like Benrey. He really doesn’t need his powers to drive Gordon completely bonkers. It is apparently part of his DNA or something. Genetically perfected to be an annoying asshole. 

There is a knock at the door.

Gordon sits back up and stares questioningly at Benrey who stares back at him and shrugs. 

“Dun look at me I just got here.”

“Do you think I’m lucky enough for it to be Tommy who is back early?” 

Benrey takes another big spoonful of cereals before answering with his mouth full.

“Nope”

Opening the front door Gordon doesn’t find Tommy but his guess isn’t too far off.

“Hello Gordon!”

“Hello Dr, CooOOFF” He doesn't even get the time to answer the greeting before he is swept up in a hug that he is certain must have cracked at least one rib.

“You gonna let us in or what?” 

“Hello to you too Bubby.” Stepping aside he makes room for the pair of scientists to step inside. 

Although looking at them now you wouldn’t know they were scientists. Dr. Coomer looks like a grandpa on holiday wearing a bright hawaiian shirt and a pair of khaki shorts, he even has sandals complete with socks and a fanny pack. Bubby isn’t much better, decked out in a leather jacket and a shirt with flames that would make Guy Fieri jealous. 

“What are you doing here? How do you even know where I live?”

“Tommy called us you dumbass.” 

Of course Tommy had called them.

“Yo.” Benrey's head pokes out of the kitchen.

“Hello security officer Booper.”

“Oh, so the little fucker is still alive.” 

“Afraid so.” 

“Rude.” Benrey follows as Gordon leads them into the living room and deposits the two elderly men on the couch. 

“Now to be fair Benrey you did try to kill us.” 

Coomer puts a hand on Benrey's shoulder in a gesture that, at first glance, looks almost fatherly but the small wince of pain on Benrey's face says otherwise. 

“It would be very unwise for you to try that again.” Coomers voice is still cheery but the tone has a chill to it that gives Gordon flashbacks to the clone incident. 

“N-no worries there, can’t do shit, got my powers nerfed.”

Bubby barks out a laugh.

“Serves you right.”

Gordon glaces at Benrey who looks indifferent to the mocking although his fists are clenched at his sides. He tries to think of a way to steer the conversation away from the topic. The last thing he needs is Benrey och Bubby getting into a fight in his living room. 

“Gordon, I’m thirsty.” 

Nice save Dr. Coomer. 

“Oh, do you want coffee or something?”

“Soda!”

Of course.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Luckily he still has some bottles from before the incident. He had refused to buy more at the store, feelings if he had drunk enough soda for a lifetime during their trek through Black Mesa. 

While Coomer and Benrey devour their cans, with a characteristic amount of slurping hog noises, Bubby just grips his and when he speaks his voice holds a tinge of worry. 

“Tommy told us they trashed the facility, that true?” 

“No idea. Benrey you saw it when you respawned didn’t you?”

“Yup, all gone. Just a pile of rubble left.”

A tension seems to leave Bubby and he slumps against Coomer on the sofa who drapes one arm around his shoulder, the other gripping Bubby’s hand. 

“See Bubby dear, I told you there was nothing to worry about. They won’t be able to put you in the tube ever again.”

There is a tenderness in Coomer’s voice and as Gordon takes in the pair before him and something clicks. 

“Oh, are you…”

“Gordon, we’re dating.” Coomer is beaming at him while Bubby has turned beet red, steam slowly rising from the tip of his ears. 

“Gay.” Benrey monotones. 

“Precisely my good bitch!”

Gordon fails in holding back a laugh and Benrey gives him a betrayed look. 

“Wow, congratulations to you two. When did this happen?”

“Yesterday. Although the feelings have been here for-”

“They don’t need our life story Harold!” Bubby barks out, smoke now rising not only from his ears but the top of his head.

“Whatever you say dearest. So Gordon, how are you two holding up?”

That is a loaded question. Gordon glances at Benrey who has moved his attention to an old tv-magazine and stubbornly refuses to engage. 

“We’re doing...fine. We haven’t killed each other so far. We have some rules and that...helps.”

“That’s wonderful Gordon, I’m so happy we can all be friends again.”

“I don’t know if I would call us-”

Benrey interrupts him before he gets to finish that sentence.

“Hey you guys wanna play some Tekken?” 

“You think you can beat the perfect scientist in something so trivial as a video game?” Bubby seems to have recovered from his embarrassment, a wide grin spread across his face. 

“I think we both know at least I can, Bubby dear.”

The rest of the visit is spent in various matchups in Tekken 7. None of them manages to take down Dr. Coomer, who is a monster with Yoshimitsu. Bubby blames his losses on the fact that Tekken 7 don’t have Dr. Bosconovitch and Benrey complain about his controller lagging. Gordon could complain about how hard it is playing with a prosthetic but chooses to take his losses gracefully, most of the time. 

“Hey stop shoving me, that’s cheating.” Gordon tries to push Bubby’s foot out of the way only for it to quickly retreat back to safety. 

“It’s strategy.”

“Dr. Coomer, can you please control your boyfriend.”

A pillow is launched from the other end of the sofa, Bubby’s face an even deeper shade of red than before. Gordon uses the older man's momentary distraction to finish his combo and land the winning blow.

“Cheater!” 

“Like you said, it's strategy.”

When the older pair eventually decides to leave several hours later Gordon is pleasantly exhausted. 

“Well gentlemen, this has been fun but we have a date planned.” Coomer explains as he rises from the couch. 

“We’re going to a seafood restaurant and freeing all the lobsters from the lobster tank.” There is a giddiness in Bubby’s voice that brings a smile to Gordon’s face. 

“Be careful you two, don’t get yourself arrested.”

“Nonsens Gordon, If they want to arrest us they have to get through these first.” 

Coomer punctuates his sentences with a flex of his arms, without the lab coat you can clearly see the muscles bulging. A wad of tissue paper catches on fire but is quickly put out by Benrey tipping over a can of soda. Bubby just speed walks out of the room. 

As Gordon walks the older pair out the door he finds a white cabriolet parked on his driveway beside his beat up volvo. 

“Hey is that- is that the same car we drove back in Black Mesa?”

“Cool huh? It waited outside Harolds home when we came back from the party. I have no idea how it got there but I aint complaining.” With that Bubby swings himself over the still closed door of the car and into the driving seat in a manner befitting a man a third his age. 

Coomer smiles fondly at his partner before turning and putting a hand on Gordon's shoulder. 

“Tommy gave us your number. I’m texting you ours so don’t be afraid to reach out if you ever need anything.”

Gordon places his hand on Coomer’s and gives it an affirming squeez. 

“Thank you Dr. Coomer. I’ll be sure to do that.”

A car horn sounds throughout the cooling evening air.

“Hurry up! Those lobster aren’t gonna free themself.”

“I’m coming Bubby dearest.” Coomer gives Gordon a final reassuring smile before walking over and getting into the car. 

As they drive off Gordon can’t help but stare after the bewildering pair. Now there’s a combo that the world is going to have to look out for. 

Benrey is still playing when Gordon walks back in. Amused, Gordon notices that he has switched to playing with Yoshimitsu, a look of deep concentration on his face. 

“So...Dr. Coomer and Bubby huh.”

“Wuh?” Benrey blinks but doesn’t take his eyes off the screen.

“I mean I did not see that coming.”

Benrey snorst.

“Wow, you blind or something? Little Feetman needs to get a stronger pair of glasses?”

“Oh like you knew anything about it.”

“Sure did, had a bet going with Tommy about it and everything. He owes me 5 dollars.”

“Really?! You both knew?”

“Wasn’t hard to figure out if you spent 5 minutes in the same room with them.”

Gordon hadn’t really seen himself as the type of person who is bad at picking up social clues but he apparently sucked at it during extreme duress if he missed something Benrey had figured out. Which in hindsight maybe wasn’t that weird. Still, it makes him wonder what else he could have missed during their travel together after the Resonance Cascade. 

He is brought out from his thoughts by a snicker from Benrey.

“What?”

“Bubby and Coomer…The Boomers.”

Ok that is kinda funny and Gordon finds himself laughing along with Benrey. Morning excluded today has been fun, it feels good to just hang out with people again. Not even his stomach rumbling protests over only having been fed coffee and some snacks during the breaks in their impromptu Tekken tournament can dampen Gordon's spirit. 

“I’m feeling like burgers tonight, you up for burgers?”

Benrey shrugs.

“Never had burgers before.”

“My dude, you’re in for a treat.”

Walking into the kitchen his eyes fall on a couple of bowls left behind from this morning's “reorganization” of his kitchen. He waits until Benrey steps in alongside him and lets his prosthetic hand fall on the back of Benrey's neck and grips it just a little too tight. 

“And you, are going to learn how to clean a fucking kitchen.”

Benrey glances up at him, body suddenly stiff.

“Rule four.”

“I’m not hitting you, only threatening. Now let's get to it.”

As usual everything takes longer than Gordon is used to. More so when he has to continuously interrupt his cooking to direct Benrey on how to clean dishes, wipe off the counter and put stuff back in its rightful place. Benrey is a surprisingly attentive student for once. Only throwing out a few protesting questions at some of Gordon's instructions.

“But why do you need water AND soap, isn’t water enough?”

“I dunno Benrey, why do you need shampoo when you shower, isn't water enough?”

“You need dish soap so your plates will smell nice?”

“No! I mean yes it’s for that to in a way...wait. Do you think you use shampoo only to smell good?”

Benrey just shrugs.

“You’re a little gremlin person, you know that?”

That actually gets a laugh out of him and Gordon is surprised to find himself oddly proud over the fact. 

The burgers turn out fantastic and the pride in Gordon's chest only swells as he watches the enthusiasm with which Benrey is devouring his food. 

“Damn, this gets GOTY from me. Good job Gordon Feedman.”

“Oh you have to try it with a bit of hot sauce then, gimme a sec.” 

Standing in front of the fridge Gordon takes his time going through his collection of bottles before he pulls out a smoky jalapeno hot sauce. Not really trusting Benrey not to drink directly from the bottle he shakes out a small amount on the other man's plate. 

“Dip it.” 

Benrey does as instructed. But after just a few seconds of chewing his eyes grow wide and he throws himself at the sink coughing and gagging. 

“Dude, why you do that to me?!” He manages after a couple of minutes. 

Gordon actually feels a bit guilty.

“I’m sorry man, thought you would be able to handle this one. It’s barely 3k on the scoville scale.”

“Bullshit! You’re trying to get revenge for being better at Tekken.” There’s some actual venom in Benrey's voice now.

Gordon takes the bottle and unloads double the amount he’d given Benrey on his own burger and takes a bite. Chewing slowly he keeps eye contact while Benery watches him with a mounting look of horror.

“You...how….you got some kind of debug that makes you resistant to hot sauce don’t you? Not fair!”

“I mean in a way, you kinda have to train a bit to get used to the stronger stuff. This is nothing though. But it’s ok if you can’t handle it, we all have different taste.” Gordon is unable to keep a smugness from entering his voice. “You gonna finish that?” He indicates at the second burger still lying untouched on Benrey's plate. 

Benrey stalks back to the table and snags up the burger, taking a giant, demonstrative bite out of it. 

“Glad I didn't ruin your appetite.” 

Benrey spends the rest of the meal eyeing the hot sauce bottle like it would jump up and attack him at any second. Gordon keeps on adding hot sauce to his own food until it’s a bit much even for him. The look on Benrey's face makes it worth it though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Red like it's volcanic means I'm in panic  
> Bright white means I'm having a fright
> 
> I couldn't wait until Friday so I'm posting this a day early. I've been looking forward to this chapter since I started writing this, the panic attack was one of the first scenes I came up with and I'm really happy with the result. 
> 
> Also Dr. Coomer and Bubby's backstory is basically just the "Mother Mother Problems" animatic (which is FANTASTIC and if you haven't watched it go to youtube and do it right now!). 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for all the kudos and comments, I love hearing all your thoughts and feelings about what I've written.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, little bit of knife cutting, Panic attack

It’s the night of the sixth day since Benrey came back to life. Unable to sleep he lies and stares at the ceiling, mind wandering. The last couple of days have gone by without any big incidents and Benrey is kind of proud over the fact that he hasn’t seriously pissed off Gordon once. 

Sure there have been a couple of smaller things. Like the discussion that they had where Gordon told him he was not allowed to drink the shampoo. Benrey still doesn't get that one, sure it’s slightly bitter and burny on the way down but the smell made up for that. But that isn’t allowed so Benrey has stopped even though he really enjoys the thought of smelling like Gordon's shampoo even on the inside. Not that Feetman needs to know about that. 

There have also been a couple of small conflicts about clothes. There seems to be a lot of rules about what you are and aren’t allowed to wear. Apparently it is very important to have some kind of pants AND shirt on at all times when outside the bedroom. Gordon had made some very interesting noises when he had come into the living room when Benrey was playing video games in only his boxers. The excuse “it’s hot” was not good enough and he had forced Benrey to put on both a t-shirt and slacks even though it made him all sweaty and gross. 

It is also not allowed for Benrey to see Gordon without clothes which is kind of a bummer. Benrey had only gone into Gordon's bedroom to ask about the wifi password and Gordon had shouted something about knocking and being in the middle of getting dressed. To be honest Benrey doesn’t really remember too much about that rant. He had been too focused on observing Gordon's body, still wet from the shower and clad only in a pair of black briefs with little planets on them. The man had a serious dad bod going on and Benrey had even tried complimenting that fact.

“Hey, you a bit of a chunky boi aren’t cha’?”

Gordon's eyes had grown ridiculously wide at that.

“What? No! What? Just...get the fuck out!”

“M’ just sayin’” Benrey had sauntered out before Gordon could launch into another tirade. 

All things considered, living together has gone surprisingly well. Gordon spends a lot of time either watching Benrey play video games or play himself. And cooking of course. There seems to be no end to the kinds of food that existed. One memorable evening Gordon pulled a food walkthrough guide filled with pictures and instructions how to make different kinds. He’d spent a lot of time trying to explain different customizations of food for Benrey with little success. Benrey had kept being distracted by the way Gordon's eyes lit up while talking and the way his hands got really animated when he was excited. 

So, uh- yeah. Living with Gordon is going well. Except for that _one_ thing. 

What had started as a simple fascination for Gordon and his funny reaction when Benrey had asked for his passport, had over time bloomed out to a full on crush. Complete with awkward head mods of smooches and hand holding and other cringy couple stuff. Living with Gordon has not helped in this regard, it has in fact, made it worse. A lot worse.

It’s also getting harder and harder to keep some of his sweet voice under wraps. Sure, Gordon is dense as hell but he ain't dumb. Even he can figure out a pattern if he sees Benrey spew pink to blue every time Gordon so much as touches him. 

And that’s the other thing. Benrey’s not sure if he accidentally unlocked some special Gordon DLC with that hug but after the night of the panic attack Gordon seems much more comfortable touching him. Sometimes it’s just a playful shove as Benrey is winning when they are playing games together, other times there is a pat on the shoulder or a high five. One time he even gave Benrey a sort of half hug, with his real arm and everything. At that point Benrey had fled into the guestroom and screamed pink and blue into his pillow. 

Even the memories of it now elicits a couple of bubbles and Benrey watches them swirl and rise into the air. Is this what dumb humans call butterflies? He reaches out a hand and carefully catches a small pink one. 

It had been so much easier back in Black Mesa, he’d had a crush on Gordon back then as well but it had been easy to handle . There had been a lot of distractions to focus on, aliens and the military, the small hope of maybe getting out of there. Benrey didn’t have to think about if Gordon liked him back or anything, just goofing around and making each other laugh. Like...a video game. 

It had been simple, until it wasn’t of course. 

First it was the arm thing, and then Gordon hated him, and then Benrey had died. Stupid crush hadn’t even gone away.

The pink inside the bubbles shift and trembles and then it’s gone, leaving only a faint scent of strawberry soda behind. 

And Benrey knows, he _knows_ that Gordon doesn’t see him like that. _Can’t_ see him like that. Not after everything that had happened. He said so himself: “I won’t forgive you for this”. 

Benrey wants to be forgiven though. 

He rolls over and buries his face in the pillow. When did life become so complicated? Living like a regular human and not an overpowered alien in a research facility is really playing on hard mode. 

His hand travels to the bedside table and picks up the phone that Gordon has given him, an older model of Gordon's that had been factory reset and provided with a prepaid sim card. It has a couple of games and the discord app installed, and the numbers of the science team (Gordon's included to Benrey's delight). 

He hovers over Tommy's number. They haven't really spoken since that first night he respawned. He’d sent a text with his number and gotten a thumbs up as a response but nothing else. 

Maybe Tommy doesn’t want to be his friend either? 

No that’s stupid, Tommy _likes_ mean people! He would never abandon a friend over an accidental murder attampt. 

He hits the call button. 

“Hello?” The voice is drowsy and slightly muffled. 

Oh shit what time is it even?

“Hi Tommy. S’ me.”

There is a slight shuffle on the other end.

“Benrey? Has- Is everything ok?”

“Yeah...no...I dunno.”

“Is it your powers?”

“Nah dude, they’re all gone already. Dealing with that.”

“Then why are you calling at...three in the morning?”

How to even say it?

“Benrey?”

“IthinkIhaveacrushonFeetman!” He blurts it all out in one breath hoping that Tommy will still understand.

The pause that follows is long and Benrey is just about to bail and call it a joke when Tommy speaks up.

“I know.”

Benrey groans and buries his face back into the pillow.

“It’s that obvious?”

“No...only if someone knows you. Which I do :)”

At least that’s a small comfort. 

“You know how to make it stop? Can’t be walking around crushing on a guy that hates my guts.”

“Oh I don’t think Mr. Freeman hates you.”

“You sure about that?” Benrey tries to keep the hope out of his voice. 

There is another long pause.

“So what- what would you like to happen?”

“I dunno, would be nice to stop having this cringe ass crush on him. No use having feelings for a dude who will never feel the same.”

“Well you’ve gotten over crushes before haven’t you? You got over me.”

A stream of dark green to blue sweet voice erupts from Benrey. Oh so he does have one for being mortified. 

“How do you know about that?!” He manages to squeak after getting his voice under control. 

“When you- You were very bad at controlling your sweet voice when you were younger. There were a lot of pink and blue slipping out when we hung out. I never said- you didn’t seem to want to...talk about it so I let it be. And it stopped didn’t it?”

Benrey isn’t sure at what exact point the happiness he felt when Tommy came and visited the room (that had been both his cell and home in his earlier days in Black Mesa) had morphed into something that made strawberry pink and blue bubbles slip out at inopportune moments. He was also not sure when those feelings had stopped. If he had to make a guess it was around the time he was let out of the room more and the time he got to spend with Tommy got more and more casual.

“I think...I got over it when we became better friends. Suddenly you weren’t this cool and ultra rare person any more, you were just my friend Tommy.”

“See, there you have it. You have to become friends with Mr. Freeman. If you stop seeing him like this...unattainable person it will disappear on its own.”

Yeah, that might be an idea. Benrey's crush might be unrequited but they could at least be friends! They get along, they play video games together, they talk. Isn’t that what friends do? 

But Gordon had tried to deny it when Bubby and Coomer had visited. Almost said they weren’t friends before Benrey had interrupted him in a desperate attempt not to have it spoken aloud. 

“How do I do that? We’re already hanging out and playing video games. That’s- that’s all the moves I got bro’.” Benrey's voice falls to a grumble. “Won’t even accept my apology for the arm thing. Said I’m sorry and everything.”

“Have you _asked_ to be his friend?”

“You can’t just go around asking people to be friends Tommy!”

“I do it all the time.”

“Of course you do it, everybody likes you.”

“Well maybe you have to be more nice to him.” There is something akin to reproachfulness in Tommy's voice. 

“I’m nice!”

“How?”

Benrey has to think a second about that. 

“I’m not being mean to him. Stopped...uhh teasing him and everything.” It’s almost true so it doesn't count as a lie. 

“Benrey...not being mean is not the same as being nice.”

“You lost me.”

“You gotta- you have to do nice things. Things that make Mr. Freeman happy.” 

“There some kind of walkthrough for that?”

“Well what- what does Mr. Freeman do that makes you happy?”

Everything. Ugh, stop it Benrey, no more of that! It’s friend time not crush time. 

“Uuuhh...he cooks. Yeah! He makes awesome food and lets me eat it. Makes me and my tummy reeeeeally happy.”

“Oh! You should cook something for him then. That’ll make him happier than a- a bee in a flower shop.”

He can almost hear Tommy's excited hand stimming through the phone. 

“Tommy you’re a genius!” 

“I know :)” 

“Imma start right away, Gordon's not- not even gonna know what hit him. He’s going to wake up and be like ‘waaah, Benrey you did this?’ and then we’re going to be best food pals.”

“I’m happy you feel better.”

“Yeah, thanks Tommy. Hey when you get back I can show off my awesome cooking skills for you too. Chef Benny in the house baby.” 

“I would like that.” There’s a short pause and a shuffle. “Hey Benrey.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I’m not there right now. I know- living with Mr. Freeman isn’t easy for you.”

“S’ alright friend. Promise you come see me when you get back?”

“I promise. Good night Benrey.”

“Night Tommy.”

Hanging up Benrey starts to wrangle a t-shirt over his head. It’s almost four in the morning and he needs all the time he can get to prepare if he is going to get things done before Gordon wakes up.

\----

Gordon is having another nightmare. On some level he knows this but it doesn't make the feeling of being hunted feel less real or frightening. 

He runs through poorly lit corridors, scrambling at doors that take forever to pry open. His arm is bleeding. No, his arm is gone. Searing pain shoots through it and it’s all he can do not to scream and reveal his position to whatever is hunting him. 

He doesn’t know what it is, he has only heard it so far. A rumbling not unlike what the helicopter heap had sounded like. But there is also a distinct organic sound. Heavy breathing and static laughter echoes through the corridors. 

At last Gordon reaches the end of the corridor only to find...nothing. Not even a wall, only a gaping hole that leads out into a void speckled with stars. 

The sounds behind him move closer and in a split second he makes the decision to take the leap over confronting the predator hunting him. And he falls. 

He wakes up to his head pounding. It gets like that sometimes, especially after a nightmare. But this time it’s vicious, the pain starts at the frontal lobe and spreads all the way to the back of his head and down his spine. It doesn’t help that the phantom pain in his arm is back. Not a burning fire this time but a dull ache that seems to go down to the bones in his non existing hand. 

He groans and empties the glass of water at his bedside table. The clock on his phone says 7:30. What he really wants is going back to bed and sleep the rest of the day but the pain in his skull is not subsiding. It might be lack of caffeine, fuck Black Mesa and their copius anount of soda machines for getting him addicted to that shit. He promises himself to quit cold turkey as soon as Benrey has moved out and he doesn’t have to handle both an alien and withdrawal symptoms at the same time. 

After rolling out of bed he considers his prosthetic for a second before strapping it on. Might as well get used to wearing it even when his arm hurts. He wants to have full control over it by the time Joshua gets here in two months. 

The thought of his boy brightens Gordon's mood a bit. He has made sure to call Martin every other day so that he can talk with Joshua, making up for that week long radio silence. They even had a video call the other day and the sight of his son's wide smile and sparkling eyes had almost brought Gordon to tears. 

He tries to focus on the bright feeling that always comes when he’s thinking of Joshua, pushing the darkness of the nightmare to the back of his mind. Maybe he can brush up on his pancake recipe. Try out some new variants to surprise Joshua with when he finally gets here. 

Coming downstairs he hears something from the kitchen. It’s a bit surprising, Benrey usually isn't up until around nine or ten. A loud crash makes Gordon hurry, worry suddenly twisting in his guts. As he steps into the doorframe to the kitchen he stops in his tracks, speechless. 

In his kitchen, pandemonium. 

Every single bowl he owns has been pulled out and filled with different foodstuffs, some so much that they overflow, its contents dripping down on counters, tables and the floor. On the stove is a pot from which smoke is billowing. The answer to the question ‘why hasn’t the fire alarm gone off’ is found in the fire alarm lying smashed on the floor, batteries scattered on the floor. The sink is overflowing with dishes and the tap has been left on, resulting in half the floor being covered in water. Both the fridge and the freezer is wide open as well as the door to the oven which is turned on but, thankfully, empty. Several knives are lying in a pile on the counter and Gordon winces as he sees the blade of his favorite cutting knife is chipped. 

And of course, in the middle of it all, stands Benrey. He is covered from head to toe in flour except in the places covered by different food stains. A giant grin spreads in his face as he turns and sees Gordon standing in the doorway. 

“Mornin’ Feetman! I should be done uuuhh...soon, I think, maybe. Hey how do you know when eggs are done?”

Benrey's words snap Gordon out of whatever paralysis had fallen over him at the sight of his ruined kitchen. 

“Benrey...what the fuck are you doing!?”

Benrey's smile stutters and falters, a look of confusion coming over his face.

“I’m...making breakfast. Some chef you are Feetman, can’t even recognize a feast when you see one.”

Gordon steps inside, avoiding puddles of water and food and closes the fridge and freezer on his way to turn off the stove and oven.

“Hey, no! You’re not allowed to be in here right now. I’m not done yet.” 

The lid of the box in Gordon's head cracks open, ugly thoughts escaping. 

“You did this on purpose didn’t you?” 

A sudden calm has fallen over him as he stands and surveys the destruction. Everything is suddenly so clear in his still pain riddled mind.   
“Of course you did. You knew my kitchen was important to me, figured that out last time you tried to trash it. Of course you had to ruin it again, you knew this would piss me off.

“Wuh…?”

A laugh finds its way up Gordon's throat, it starts out as a chuckle but builds until it’s a manic cackle. 

“What...what are you laughing at bro?”

It takes Gordon a couple of seconds to catch his breath before he can answer. 

“I’m laughing because I was fucking right about you. Thought you could come waltzing back from the dead into MY HOME…”

The rise in Gordon’s voice makes Benrey flinch.

“...and act like you’re what...a good guy? That you’ve changed? Not the big bad final boss anymore. And the fucked up part is, I _almost_ believed you. You really made me think that losing your powers had taught you something.”

Benrey's eyebrow knits together, eyes growing hard. But Gordon is far too gone to stop now.

“But no, you are still the same fucking asshole who almost got us killed and got MY FUCKING ARM CUT OFF!”

“Yo man why you bring that shit up now. I said I was sorry. Why are you being a baby about this?”

“Oh you’re sorry huh...YOU’RE SORRY?!”

Gordon stalks up to Benrey, left arm gripping the collar of Benrey's t-shirt as he slams him against the counter.

“Ow! Rule four dude.”

“Oh no, the rules went out the window the second you decided to trash my kitchen...again!.”

Benrey looks up at him from where he is held, eyes meeting Gordon's defyingly.

“So- so what? You gonna hit me again bro? Hit me with that big metal arm of yours. Gonna make you feel all big and powerful? Do it. You won’t.”

The box explodes, ugliness flooding every fibre of his being. No more places to hide, only solution is to let it roam free. 

A terrible idea lights up Gordon's pain riddled head like a firework. His eyes flicker towards the knife pile. 

“Maybe I should just cut off _your_ arm, huh? Let you get a taste of your own medicine.”

A stillness falls over Benrey at those words. His eyes are suddenly very wide, a couple of white bubbles escaping his lips. The feeling of power that awakens in Gordon at the sight almost sends him reeling. 

“Yeah, let’s see how you enjoy it, getting beaten to within an inch of your life and then having your arm cut open, left to bleed to death in a dumpster. Maybe then you’ll finally learn. Or you’ll die and I can get on with my fucking life.”

He doesn’t know when his prosthetic had gripped the knife but he can feel the weight of it in his hand now. It feels good. His real arm lets go of Benrey's shirt, gripping the aliens wrist instead as he pushes it down on the counter. 

Benrey is still frozen in place, his only movement a slight trembling. 

The blade finds its way to Benrey's arm, pressing down where Gordon's own now ends. Blood starts flowing from the shallow cut. 

And Benrey doesn’t move. 

Gordon feels drunk, or high or...something. The world isn’t really in focus, all that exists right now is his grip on Benrey and the knife, the sound of his own harsh breathing and the look of absolute terror in Benrey's eyes. 

Gordon is just about to cut deeper when the dull ache in his arm flares into a roaring, agonizing fire. He gasps, stumbles and falls to the floor. Knife falling out of his hand as stars dance in front of his eyes.

Hissing and groaning he curls himself around the arm as if he can protect it from the pain within. But it doesn’t relent, it pulses to the beat of his heart and the pain in his head. 

It’s all he can focus on until he hears the sound of sweet voice. Something splashes against the joint where his arm meets the prosthetic. A coolness spreads over and into his burning flesh, making the pain subside. 

“You ok?”

Looking up Gordon sees Benrey, teal still spilling from his lips and blood running down his arm. A look of concern across on his face.

Gordon's eyes travel from the cut on Benrey's arm to the bloody knife lying between them on the floor. The realization of what he has done, what he has said, crashes down on him in waves. 

“Fuck I’m…” But he can’t say it, can’t admit out loud of what he almost done, what he’d _wanted_ to do. 

Heat rises within him as his heart beats faster and faster, breath coming out in short pants. 

He knows the sign of an oncoming panic attack well by now. Scrambling to get up he rushes out of the kitchen, shedding his prosthetic on the way up the stairs, not caring where it lands. 

It’s first after the bedroom door slams shut behind him that he allows himself to scream. 

\---

Benrey stays on the floor in the kitchen, trying to catch his own breath and puzzle together what the fuck just happened. 

It’s obvious that Gordon didn’t like his surprise. Benrey knows the kitchen had gotten a little messier than it usually got when Gordon cooked but he was gonna clean it up. Wasn’t that obvious? Apparently not. And then Feetman had gotten all pissy and started to spew all kinds of mean stuff and Benrey had fallen back on his old bad guy routine. He really hadn’t meant to, but the things Gordon had yelled, they cut deep. It hurt when Gordon said all those things about not changing. Benrey _was_ changing, at least he was trying to. Stupid Feetman doesn’t know it takes time to grind your good guy levels. 

But then Gordon hadn’t just become angry and mean, he’d been scary. Gordon Scareman. Talking about cutting off his arm and shit. Sure Gordon had gotten violent with his before, lots of times actually, but this had been different. Gordon knew Benrey could actually get hurt now, and he still had…

Benrey shakes his head, trying to get the mental image of that look on Gordon's face out of his head. When it happened Benrey had just frozen up. Hadn’t even tried to fight back or anything. Is that also a human thing?

Benrey's finger traces over the cut, wincing at the pain that sparks at the touch.

But on some weird fucked up level it makes sense. Benrey had made it so that Gordon lost his arm, maybe losing his own was the only thing to make it right again? An eye for an eye and an arm for an arm. 

He doesn’t want to lose his arm of course, probably would make him suck at Tekken, he would probably be even worse than Feetman. But he is willing to do it, if it would make Gordon less angry at him, if it helps him forgive Benrey. 

There is a muffled scream and a crash from upstairs and he flinches at the sound. Gordon hadn’t looked ok when he ran out of the kitchen. Benrey had recognized that look, Gordon used to have it when things had been really bad in Black Mesa. Is it the same thing that Benrey's stupid brain had done a couple of nights ago? A panic attack? Gordon had seemed very stressed this morning and then his arm had started hurting even though it was all healed already. 

The teal green heal beam had helped though, Benrey is a bit proud over that fact. 

Sweet voice huh. It had worked when Gordon stressed out too much in Black Mesa. Might work on a panic attack too. He could of course try that talking stuff that Gordon had used on him but Benrey is not confident that he can remember what to say. Better to fall back on something he knows. 

Standing up Benrey’s eyes catches the knife on the floor. He picks it up and carefully wipes the blood from it. He brings it with him as he goes for Gordon's bedroom. On his way up the stairs he finds Gordon's metal arm tangled in the railing, he brings that too. 

From inside the bedroom Benrey hears a shuffling and muffled sobs and he hesitates in front of the closed door. Turning around he places the knife on the floor, a bit out of sight. Even Benrey understands that you can’t walk in with a knife drawn on a guy having a panic attack, he’s not a lunatic. 

The room is dark and it’s a bit hard to take in the surroundings but beside the bed is a trembling pile that must be Gordon. He doesn’t react as Benrey walks closer nor when he sinks down on his knees in front of him. Gordon sits with one hand tangled in his hair. His eyes, streaming with tears, are fixed on the floor. 

It takes Benrey a second to conjure up the calm blue in his mind and throat, the image of Gordon in front of him anything but calming. 

When the first bubbles hit Gordon he jumps, hand moving to cover his face. That won’t work, Benrey needs a clear view of his target. As gently as he can he grips it with both of his own and pulls it away, never letting the stream of blue stop. 

It takes a good while longer for it to work than it had done in Black Mesa but eventually Gordon's breath evens out and the tears stop falling. 

“Wha..?”

“Calm down.”

Gordon blinks at him.

“Benrey?”

“Yo.”

“What-”

“Your brain got stupid stressed and you had a panic attack. I fixed it though, don’t worry.”

Gordon's eyes fall down on where Benrey is still gripping his hand, gaze traveling to the cut on the arm. The bleeding has almost stopped but blood is smeared all the way down to his vrist. 

Gordon rips his hand free from Benrey's grasp, slapping it over his own mouth. 

“Fuck...I’m so sorry Benrey. I didn’t mean...I shouldn’t have...”

Benrey tries to give what he hopes is a reassuring smile. 

“Nah man it’s cool. Kinda had it coming and all.” He pauses to scratch the back of his neck. “Sorry about the kitchen, I was gonna clean it up you know, after I was done making you breakfast.”

“You...wait. You were making me breakfast?”

“Yeah! Tommy said I needed to be more nice to you if we’re gonna be friends and it’s nice when you make food so wanted to try that out. Was up all night trying to figure out recipes and stuff. Guess that didn’t really go as planned huh. Uuhh...top ten Benrey epic fails.”

“You want to be my...friend?”

Benrey can’t help but snort out a laugh at that.

“Duh! I’ve tried to since Black Mesa. Didn’t go very well though. So I called Tommy a couple of hours ago and asked what I should do and he said that not being mean is not the same as nice. Still not sure what that means. He had this uuhh...pog idea that I should make you food. He’s so smart, knows all kinds of stuff, not just science.”

The look of absolute confusion on Gordon's face almost makes Benrey laugh again but he holds it back. It’s not nice to laugh when a bro is upset. See, he _is_ learning. 

“Wait, wait, wait, hold up...you _hate_ me, why would you want to be my friend?”

Now it’s Benrey's turn to look confused.

“Waah? I don’t hate you man! What makes you think that?”

“Every single thing you did in Black Mesa for example.”

Ok that might be fair. 

“I was kind of an asshole huh. Didn’t know your brain feels super bad when you get stressed. Thought we were just kidding around. Didn’t really get the whole pain thing either. That was fail of me. Sorry.”

“I need to sit down.”

“You’re already sitting bro’.”

Gordon falls on his back on the floor. Eyes staring at the ceiling.

“You...you ok down there?”

“Processing.”

“K.”

Benrey crosses his legs and hums out some sweet voice. No real feelings attached, just some pretty colours to light the gloom in the room. He watches as Gordon follows them with his eyes. 

“So all that stuff you said in Black Mesa, about us being friends...that was genuine?”

“Well...yeah.”

“It wasn’t just to fuck with me and make me angry?

“No...at least most of the time, you look fun when you’re mad.”

“Did you- did you actually want all those hugs and kisses you asked for too?”

Fuck.

“You uuhh...you _don’t_ kiss and hug your bro’s Feetman? That’s cold.” Nice save.

Gordon props himself up on an elbow and fixes Benrey with a stare.

“What about all that bullshitting and teasing you pulled?”

“I thought I was being funny!” Benrey throws his hands over his head in a resigned gesture. “Made you...made you laugh a couple of times so i just kept trying. Threw spaghetti at the wall to see what stuck.”

“You tormented me...to make me laugh?”

Not knowing how to answer that Benrey just nods. Gordon barks out a laugh.

“You’re a fucking anomaly.” The words are harsh but the tone is oddly soft. 

Benrey can’t help but smile.

“Made you laugh again.” 

Gordon slides back down on the floor, a deep sigh leaving him.

“Fuuuuuuck. Ok...ok. You’re serious about being friends?”

Benrey nods before realizing that Gordon can’t see him from where he lies.

“Super Serious! Serious Sam serious.”

“Yeah that...that might not work out.”

Benrey's heart sinks like a stone. He has to swallow several times to keep the golden rye in his throat from escaping. Luckily Gordon doesn’t seem to notice. He keeps staring at the ceiling as he talks. 

“I told you earlier, I’m still so mad. Some of it isn't even your fault, but you- you kinda represent it all, all those fucked up things that happened in Black Mesa. I tried ignoring it, pushed it down. But you saw where that got me.” He sits back up and meets Benrey's eyes, a hard look on his face. “I don’t know if that anger will ever go away and I can’t go around wanting to hurt someone who sees me as their friend.”

Fuck it’s like hearing the ‘I will never forgive you’ speech all over again, only this time it feels even worse. Benrey thought that he’d finally gotten through to Gordon. That he’d made him understand that it was just one big misunderstanding and now they could put it all behind them. Seems that things are never that easy. 

He readies himself to leave, to slink back into the guest room and sing sad colours into the pillow when a thought pops back into his head.

“Stay right there, imma just fetch something.” 

He walks out into the hallway and picks up the knife from where he left it at the floor. Gordon's eyes widens when he spots the tool in Benrey's grip, a look of panic starting to form on his face.

“Oh shit, no...sorry. I will just…” He puts the knife on the floor in front of Gordon and sits back down, legs crossed and injured arm held out. 

“What?” Gordon squints at him, the look of panic morphing into one of confusion. 

“You said it before, you should cut my arm off. S’ fair right? Arm for an arm and all that shit.”

“What?! No! I don’t want to cut your...I mean I said I did but…” 

Gordon breath starts to quicken again and Benrey shoots out some blu just to be sure. It seems to work as Gordon takes a couple of deep breaths, steadying himself. 

“Look, what I said before, it was wrong of me. It was the anger and stress speaking and it’s not something I want to experience again. And for what it’s worth, I am sorry that I hurt you.”

“But if you do it now you won’t do it because you’re angry, you'd be doing it to...uhh nerf that anger. Maybe after that it will be easier to be bros’.”

Benrey can’t really read the look on Gordon's face right now, it seems to shift between emotions faster than he can catch them.

“You’d do that? You would let me cut your arm off just so that it would be easier to become friends?”

Arm’s still outstretched, Benrey nods. 

A silence grows between them. There is only so long Benrey can wait until he starts to shift nervously. 

It’s probably gonna hurt like motherfucker. That knife does not look sharp enough to do an efficient job. Can’t just Gordon get it done and over with already? What is he even waiting for? Shit is he still mad? He really hopes Gordon is going to be satisfied with just one arm. What if he wants to cut off more? Would Benrey let him? Would he even have a choice?

He’s so lost in his own thoughts that the feeling of Gordon's hand on his makes him jump. He frowns a bit as Gordon pushes and arm down, keeping his hand over Benrey's closed fist as it reaches the floor. 

“I won’t cut your arm off Benrey. I really don’t think that would help in making us better friends. Actually I think it would only traumatize me more.”

Benrey feels whatever small light of hope that still lingered in his chest die out. 

“But, I appreciate that you are willing to try so hard, even if the way you show it is a bit gruesome. I will...try to work on my anger, and maybe, maybe, we can become friends in the future.” Gordon pauses and drags a hand through his unruly hair. “I guess what I’m saying is...I’m giving you a chance Benrey.”

The grin that spreads over Benrey's face is so wide it almost hurts his cheeks. 

“Fuck yeah man you mean it? I don’t even have to lose my arm and still maybe epic friendship? Future best pal. Predestined gamer buds.”

Gordon snorts and gives him a playful shove.

“Don’t push your luck there.”

“Too late I’m already planning our future buddy wedding. S’ gonna be Mountain Dew themed.”

That gets one of the awesome breathy laughs from Gordon.

“You really are an idiot.” Gordon lifts his hand to rub at his temple. “Guh, my head is killing me, I’m going back to bed. You gonna clean up that mess in the kitchen?”

“Uhuh, no prob bud. You...you want me to give you some more of that teal green heal beam, make your head less hurty?”

“Sure, yeah that would be nice.”

Benrey shuffles a bit closer, finding that exact pitch for the heal beam and lets it out. Gordon closes his eyes and hums softly as the teal hits his face and Benrey tries not to think about how long Grodons eyelashes are this up close. He quickly pulls back before Gordon opens his eyes again. 

“Thanks, that actually helped a lot.”

“No worries bro. Go have a nap, I’ll fix the kitchen.”

“You better.” His voice is sleepy and low and the words don’t carry any edge. 

In the door Benrey turns around and watches as Gordon crawls into bed and pulls up the covers.

“Hey uhm Gordon?”

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks...for giving me a chance.”

“You’re welcome.” The answer is slightly muffled by the blanket.

Benrey smiles again and closes the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pink to blue means I'm having a crush on you  
> Dark green to blue like the tide means I'm feeling mortified  
> Bright white means I'm having a fright  
> Teal is heal beam  
> Blue means calm down (I hate that this one canonically doesn't rhyme)  
> Gold like rye means I'm about to cry
> 
> And here is the big angst chapter. Please don't hate poor Gordon, he has a lot of stuff to work through but it's going to get better after this I promise! Again thank you all so much for kudos and comments, getting notifications that someone has left a kudos or a comment really makes my whole day.
> 
> https://pink-apocalypse.tumblr.com/post/634264701917921280/yall-read-becoming-human-on-ao3-yet-you I just got my first piece of fan art for something I’ve written! It’s so amazing thank you so much!
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CHvCkcZp_wy/?igshid=1crkxwqj9hc13 And here is another piece of fan art and I love you all so much for drawing my angsty shit!


	7. Chapter 7

When Gordon wakes up again there is no pain, only that slight buzzing feeling he’s always left with after a panic attack. He tries not to focus on it too hard, nor the memories of what he had done earlier in the morning. 

When reaching for his phone to check the time he finds a text message from Tommy.

**Benrey told me what happened. Please call me when you wake up.**

Anxiety flares in his chest as he reads the words. He suddenly wishes he’d texted more with Tommy so that he better understands the tone in the text. Is Tommy worried, mad, disappointed? None of the answers feels good whatsoever. Only one way to find out. 

The call was picked up after the first tone.

“Hi Mr. Freeman.”

“Hi Tommy. So...Benrey called you?”

“Yeah, we talked. He told me about...what you did.”

The thought of Benrey telling Tommy about his anger, about the violence, it sends new waves of anxiety and shame crashing through his body. Without the calming blue dulling his mind the memories of what he almost did is so much clearer and the guilt is so much worse. 

“Tommy...I- It was a misunderstanding. I thought Benrey was trying to mess with me again, trying to hurt me even without his powers. I just got so angry and...fuck.” He trails off, trying to slow his breathing. He does not have the energy for another panic attack so soon. 

But in the end it’s not that complicated really. He had tried to hurt Benrey, _wanted_ to hurt him. And Benrey had forgiven him for it, even volunteered his own arm as a peace offering. He’d been so happy when Gordon offered the slightest hint of a chance for friendship. How could he even do that, after everything Gordon’s done? 

And how would Gordon ever explain this to Tommy? Could he even do that? What would Tommy think of him?

Tommy who hated violence even in the most dire of situations. Who cared and cared and _cared_ about his friends even to the point of trying to understand a monster in the middle of a life and death fight. Tommy who had entrusted Gordon with a powerless Benrey, thinking that he was safe with him. 

Tears are streaming down Gordon's cheeks as he hiccups into the phone, having long since given up on trying to formulate words. Shame and guilt coursing through his bod.

“Mr. Freeman, it’s ok. I’m not mad at you. I- We understand that this hasn’t been easy for you.”

“Y-you know somehow...that only makes it worse.” Gordon manages to get out after regaining some semblance of control over his voice. 

“Do you- can you try to explain what happened f-from your end?” Tommy's voice is soft and encouraging, a bit like how you talk to a kid who has fallen and scraped their knee. 

Gordon really doesn’t want to, but at the same time he feels like he owes Tommy an explanation, and it’s good to talk right? You should talk about your feelings not lock them up like...ah fuck.

“So I’ve had these...angry thoughts ever since Benrey got back. It’s like, sometimes he does things and suddenly I’m back at Black Mesa and I just want to...hurt him.” 

He trails off, trying to find the right words and holding back the bile threatening to rise in his throat. 

“But It’s just thoughts, I tried pushing those away. I don’t- I know Benrey can get hurt now and I don’t _actually_ want to see him hurt...I think. I just get so _angry_ at him sometimes. And then I woke up this morning after I had this awful nightmare and my arm hurt and everything was just bad you know. So when I saw what he’d done to my kitchen I just...snapped. Let all those angry feelings out and...yeah.”

There is silence on the other end and Gordon tries to be patient, Tommy usually takes his time before answering. Knowing that doesn’t make the wait easier though. His hand starts tapping against the bed frame in an attempt to get the nervous energy out of his system. 

“Have you tried...talking with Benrey when you get upset?”

“You can’t talk to Benrey! You of all people should know how he gets when you try talking about serious things. I had to bribe him just to get him to agree on house rules.” 

“I mean...you didn’t really talk to him back at Black Mesa Mr. Freeman. You usually just yelled. Benrey doesn’t respond well to aggression in my experience.”

That is fair. And maybe Gordon has been a bit more antagonistic than necessary since Benrey arrived. He doesn’t want to admit that though. Doesn’t want to take all the blame for their infected relationship. Benrey had fucked up too. But not enough to actually cut his...

He stops the thought as he feels the nausea start to bubble in his stomach again. 

“Mr. Freeman, if this is too hard for you I can- I can try to figure something else out. I’m sure Dr. Coomer and Bubby can take Benrey until I get back. I don’t want any of you getting hurt.”

Gordon’s first instinct is to accept the offer, get Benrey out of his home and out of his head. But then he remembers the look on Benrey's face when he promised him another chance. Was he really going to throw him out directly after making such a promise? And then what? Would he just not see Benrey anymore, try to avoid him for the rest of his life just so he wouldn’t get angry anymore? Gordon might not have seen a therapist in a while but that does not sound like a healthy coping mechanism. 

“No, no I- thank you Tommy, for the offer but I...I need to make this work, somehow. I feel like if I give up now I won’t ever be able to work through this and… Listen I don’t want to be angry all the time when I see Benrey. If I could forgive him, if we could actually become friends, it would be easier for all of us, right? We went through so much shit together, all of us. We deserve some kind of happily ever after...even Benrey.”

“That is very sweet of you Mr. Freeman :)”

“And one day I will figure out how you do that.”

“How are- Do you feel better now Mr. Freeman?”

Gordon allows himself a deep breath. 

“Yeah, yeah I think I do.”

“That’s good. So you’ll try to talk to Benrey from now on?”

“I’ll try bud.”

“T- That’s all I’m asking.”

It feels better, having someone to vent to. Benrey was right when he said that Tommy knows about a lot more than just science stuff. 

Even so, when he stands at the top of the stairs Gordon can’t help but hesitate. Wanting to drag out the moment until he has to face Benrey a little while longer. From below he hears the distinctive sound of Mario Kart, Benrey’s newest obsession after Gordon had introduced him to the Switch. He chickens out and detours into the bathroom instead to wash his face and make a valiant effort to _not_ look like he had just had his second panic attack in less than five hours. 

In the end it feels a bit stupid avoiding it any longer so he descends the stairs and walks towards the living room, trying not to glance at the kitchen along the way. He still can’t help but freeze in place when Benrey moves to look at him as he enters the room. 

“Hey.” The tone is the same monotone as usual.

“Listen-”

“”I have-”

Gordon falls silent, waiting for Benrey to talk but Benrey seems to have had the same idea and so the silence stretches on. 

“You first.”

“Nah man, ladies first.”

Gordon smiles at the attempt at a jab and he’s just about to start talking when his eyes fall on Benrey's arm. The blood has been cleaned away but the wound is still open, the area around the cut red and irritated. 

“Holy shit dude, you gotta treat that.”

“Wuh? This?” Benrey lifts his arm and winces a bit as the skin shifts around the wound. “Why? Doesn’t it just...I dunno, close by itself eventually? Thought you guys had some kind of regen even if it’s hella slow.”

Right, an alien who has never gotten hurt before. Why does Gordon keep forgetting that?

“You still need to treat it or it’ll get infected. Just...sit still, I’ll be right back.”

He turns and goes to fetch the first aid kit, thanking his lucky star he restocked it after Joshua’s last visit. Sitting down beside Benrey, Gordon begins to pull out disinfectant and some bandages. At closer inspection it’s not very deep. He had grabbed one of the sharper knives from the pile too so the cut is relatively clean. Nausea again threatens to rise in his throat and he swallows thickly. 

“This will sting a bit, try to keep still.” he says and puts a wad of cotton drenched in disinfectant against Benrey's grey skin. 

Benrey flinches at the touch and hisses in pain but stays otherwise still. Gordon keeps his focus on the wound, trying to be as gentle as he can while cleaning and wrapping it up. 

“Hey, I know I’ve said it already but...I’m really sorry about this. I know you said you had it coming but you really didn’t. I recognize that you’ve actually tried doing good since you’ve come back. I-I will try to do the same, ok?” 

Lifting his gaze he is a bit taken aback when he meets Benrey’s wide yellow eyes. He’d not been aware that the other one had been staring at him and now he feels compelled to keep the eye contact. For once it’s actually Benrey who breaks first, turning his head and audibly swallowing.

“I mean yeah, kinda fail of you Feetman, breaking the house rules and stuff. Imma have to put you in baby jail for that.”

Gordon barks out a laugh, the odd tension that has been lingering in the room breaking. 

“Can I least finish this before you throw me in prison?” He indicates to the partially wrapped up arm.

Benrey shrugs but a small smile is playing on his lips. 

It only takes Gordon a couple of minutes to finish the job. After he has secured the loose end of the bandage he absentmindedly wraps both hands around the arm. Holding very gently he mumbles: 

“Pain gone, pain gone.”

Benrey gives a startled snicker.

“Yo, what are you even saying Feetman?”

Heat rises in Gordon's face at the realization of what he has just done and he quickly lets go of the arm.

“It’s- It’s a thing I do for Joshua when he gets hurt, like a small magic spell, suppose to make the pain go away.”

“Aw, is daddy Gordon kissing my boo-boos better?” Benrey's grin is so wide it almost reaches his ears.

“Ok, one...” Gordon hates how shrill his voice gets when he is embarrassed. “...never call me that again. And two, no kissing was involved whatsoever.”

Benrey just cackles, his non injured hand smacking the couch in glee. 

“Yeah, yeah I know, I’m the big cringe right now.” Gordon sighs.

“Nah man, you're always the big cringe.”

It feels good, bickering like this. It’s normal by now, safe. If this is what a friendship with Benrey will entail maybe it won’t be so bad. 

His eyes fall on where Benrey's hand is playing with the bandages and a thought suddenly strikes him.

“Sweet voice!”

“What? You need some?”

“No, the- the teal green heal beam! Why didn’t you use that on yourself?”

“Uuuhhhh…” Benrey just stares out into space for a couple of seconds. “I forgot I could do that.”

“You what?!” Gordon can’t help the laughter bubbling up. “Y-you...stupid…” He has to pause to try to catch his breath. “You used it on me _twice_ today.”

“I forgot I could use it on myself ok! Never had to do that before.”

“Fair, still a bit cringe fail of you.”

Benrey’s eyes widen as he grasps at mock pearls on his chests.

“Gordon Martini Freeman…”

“Not my middle name but ok.”

“...did you just call me cringe fail?”

Grodon just smirks at him.

“Think I’m a bad influence on you.” Benrey mutters.

“So you want me to take it off so that you can heal yourself?” He indicates to Benrey’s arm.

Benrey holds his hand over the injury, staring at as if in deep thoughts.”

“Nah, leave it.”

“It’s probably going to scar you know.”

“Good.”

A small smile plays on Benrey’s lips and Gordon has no idea what it means. He doesn't get the chance to ask either because Benrey suddenly springs up from the couch. 

“Oh right, I have a thing. Surprise for you. Sit still for a sec please and thank you?” 

He watches as Benrey's disappears into the kitchen.

An uncomfortable feeling starts to grow in the pit of Gordon's stomach. It starts out as an reactive anger to the fact that Benrey still feels so comfortable in his kitchen even after everything. It only lasts for a fraction of a second before getting buried in an immense guilt over the fact that he even had the thought. 

Benrey had just trusted him with patching up the arm that Gordon hurt. The least he can do is extend some trust to Benrey, god knows he had earned it by now. 

So he stays on the couch, waiting and listening to the faint clatter from the kitchen. 

“Hey close your eyes real quick.” Benrey shouts from the other room. 

Really not liking where this is going Gordon still does as instructed. He hears footsteps over the floor and the clinking of things being placed down on the coffee table.

“Ok you can look now.”

In front of him is a bowl of froot loops and a glass of orange juice. A spoon has been placed beside the bowl on top of a folded napkin. Benrey is standing on the other side of the table, hands twisting nervously together.

“S’ breakfast. Hade to cave and call Tommy for help while you were having your nap. Cooking’s hard man.”

Gordon stares down at the bowl and the little colored rings floating around in the milk. Something is swelling in his chest and he has to squeeze his eyes shut for a second to keep tears from forming.

Benrey wanted to be his friend, Benrey had tried making him breakfast and failed spectacularly and Gordon had hurt him because of it. And yet...Benrey had tried again. 

“Your...uuhhh loops getting soggy.”

“Yeah...thanks Benrey. This- I really appreciate this.” 

And he really does appreciate Benrey right now, it’s an odd feeling to have after everything. When was the last time anyone had made Gordon food? He couldn’t even remember. Fuck, Tommy really did know what he was talking about suggesting this as a gesture of goodwill for Benrey to do. 

As he starts eating, yellow colored orbs float through the air.

“What...what does yellow mean?” He isn’t actually expecting an answer so it takes him by surprise when Benrey actually gives him one.

“Yellow means I’m a happy fellow.”

“You’re happy right now?”

More yellow orbs and a clear, high pitch tone fills the air around him. As usual, Benrey's sweet voice fills him with a quiet wonder.

“It’s very pretty.”

The voice and bubbles are abruptly cut off and Gordon can’t help but laugh at Benrey’s flushed, wide eye look. 

\---

Mission 1 status: success. 

Man, he wished he’d gone for the loops in the first place. Who knew you only needed a bowl of cereal to make Feetman all nice and complimenting. Benrey has a creeping suspicion that the offering to cut off his own arm off had helped things along the way. But that didn’t matter anymore, nor the pain in his arm or the hours he spent cleaning up the kitchen, because Gordon was giving him a chance. AND he had wrapped up Benrey's wound all soft like and...no!

No more pink thoughts. There’s a perma ban for that on this server thank you very much. Time to focus on friendship. No harm telling the guy what yellow means. Might be good for Gordon to recognize the positive ones. Good for his reward system. 

Yes, everything's coming up Benrey. 

Until Gordon finishes his meal and the conversation runs out. Usually Benrey would just fill it with whatever weird thoughts came to his mind. But now, he feels that he needs to be more careful about what he’s saying. Wouldn't do good to piss off his future best bud so soon after they made up. 

Sometimes it’s hard knowing what Gordon's reactions will be to whatever bullshit Benrey chooses to talk about. Like passports, can’t even mention the thing without Gordon blowing a fuse. The man’s like a conversational minefield. 

Videogames! That should be safe right? 

“You wanna get destroyed in Mario Kart?” Primo smack talk Benny, good job. 

“You realize that you won’t have a handicap anymore now that you're injured.” Gordon indicates to Benrey's bandage. 

“Oh you think I need a handicap Feetman? Game on then!”

And the game is on. But Benrey soon finds himself frustrated. Not that he is losing or anything, Gordon doesn’t stand a chance against Benrey, injury or not. No the gaming part is no trouble, the talking is. See, while Benrey doesn’t have any trouble keeping a conversation and gaming like a polite bro, Gordon does not share this skill. 

And Benrey wants to talk. It was his second part of his big friendship plan. Part one: give Gordon the best breakfast and dazzle him with cooking skills (Fail step one, get hurt, cause a panic attack, fix said panic attack. Repeat step one with cereals instead). Step two: talk about things and get to know each other better. That step had also been Tommy's idea after he had called him a second time that day to report on the disaster that had been step one. 

Apparently communication was very important when becoming friends, you’re supposed to open up to each other about personal stuff. When you get to know each other better you become better friends. It had sounded so easy when Tommy had said it. Although so had the cooking plan and look how that went. What do you even talk about that is personal and not video games? Also, might be best to stay clear from talking about their whole thing in Black Mesa, that only seems to lead to a lot of yelling. 

It isn’t until he is thoroughly winning over Gordon on the snowy animal crossing track that a lightbulb goes off in Benrey's head. 

“Did you know I’ve never seen snow?”

“What was that?” Gordon leans his whole body as he tries to take a sharp turn, only to drive straight off the road. 

“Snow, never seen it, only in movies and in games. Is it true that it’s all wet and shit?”

Gordon pauses the game and turners to him.

“Wait really?”

Success!

“Yeah, seen it rain a couple of times, when I had outside guard duty. Kinda cool with all that wet stuff from the sky. Would be cooler if it was powerade though.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You only experienced rain a couple of times?”

“I mean yeah, didn’t get out much at Black Mesa. Probably only been outside like a handful of times all in all.”

Gordon gives him a look that Benrey can’t really decipher. 

“Did you never...leave Black Mesa at all?”

“Nah man, I was like, a really important specimen or some shit for a while. Was only allowed to go outside since...last year or so. Think that's because they found more fun shit on Xen to do science stuff too.”

Gordon puts down his controller and turns so that his whole body is facing Benrey. 

“I’ve actually been meaning to ask you Benrey, could you tell me a bit more about your life before the Resonance Cascade?”

Oh, this is going fantastic! Godon wants the secret Benny lore? Benrey will provide. 

“Sure man, you gonna be ok with hearing about it? Not gonna freak out or some shit?”

“Are there things to freak out over?”

“I dunno, maybe my epic backstory is too much for you to handle Feetman.”

Gordon gives him an unimpressed look.

“Try me.”

“Aight, don’t get mad at me when I blow your mind.” 

Benrey actually has to pause for a second to think through what he is going to say. He doesn’t usually think much about what used to be. Hell, before the Cascade most days just blurred together. How do you pick out the important bits of a whole life?

“So like, I’m an alien from Xen.” Hold for shocked gasps. 

No shocked gasps are given. Boring.

“I mean I know that already, Tommy told me the first night remember.”

Dammit Tommy.

“Don’t actually remember anything from Xen, must have been a tiny dude when they brought me over.”

“What’s your first memory then?”

Huh, Benrey never thought about that really. He tries to think back, it’s hard putting some of those first sensations in any chronological order. 

“I think...I was cold. Yeah, I remember it being like, really cold and someone is talking loud and shit, dunno what they are saying though.”

“That’s the first thing you remember?”

“I mean yeah, most of the earliest things were like that, kinda cold and yelly. Got easier when I got the sweet voice I think. Easier to communicate and shit. Got better after that. Think they gave me my N64 some time after I got the Sweet Voice.”

“You...they gave you video games?”

“They tried making me read stuff for a while but it was so boring I just ate the books.” 

Benrey laughs at that memory, the scientist always had the best reactions when he did stuff like that. 

“I had my little gamer pad, got let out for tests a bit every day but spent most of my time gaming.”

“Wait, let you out? Dude, you can...could no clip. Why didn’t you just leave?”

“Oh they figured out a way to turn that off. Could still shapeshift and shit no clip got nerfed. Wasn’t really a reason for me to leave anyway, had nowhere else to go. Also all my epic gamer loot was there. And Tommy came and gamed with me sometimes. Couldn’t just run off and...uuhh...leave my buddy Tommy hanging.”

See Feetman, Benrey can be a really good friend! 

“Wait, you knew Tommy back then?”

“Yeah man, was my best pal for a while. Think I was part of his job when he started at Black Mesa. Designated alien gamer buddy. We had fun.” 

Benrey can’t help the fond smile that spreads over his face at those memories. Even though it’s a bit embarrassing to think of the crush he’d had on the man back then, those memories still hold a special place in his heart. 

“So you guys go like way back...wait how long ago was this?”

Benrey shrugs.

“I dunno man, I never kept track of time and shit. Wasn’t really any reason for it.”

“Ok so you got your N64, met Tommy...then what?”

Yeah...then what? That’s the question isn’t it. There hadn’t been much after that for a while. Just an endless routine of gaming, tests and visits from Tommy. No use telling Gordon about the tests either, it’s probably to gory for a chicken hat like him. It’s not the most epic backstory now that Benrey thinks about it so he decides to skip a head instead. 

“They let me start to explore Black Mesa a bit, that was super pog. Tommy showed me around and let me meet guys like the scientists and security guards. That dude knows everyone. Met the Boomers like that. Oh, and Jeffrem of course! Super chill dude, epic gamer man. Gave me his old PS3 and some games so that we could play online and shit. Spent a lot of time just talking and hanging with people in COD and stuff like that. Really epic dudes...most of them. Met Forzen online. Blocked him when he joined the military, dun wanna be friends with no boot boy. ”

“Wait hold up. Is that why you talk like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you’ve learned how to speak by reading fucking twitch chats.”

“You saying it’s a bad thing? What, are you racist against gamers or something? Some kind of game of phobic?”

There’s that awesome laughter again, the one that makes Gordon double over and have to put a hand on Benrey's shoulder to stabilize himself. Benrey lets out a couple of yellow orbs as a response.

“You can talk however you want. It just explains so many things.” Gordon manages after catching his breath. 

Benrey has a hard time keeping a smile off his face as he continues. 

“Yeah so like, I had my awesome gamer pad right? Played online a whole lot, met Josh from Game Stop in a game of COD. Became the uhhh...awesome gamer you see in front of you. And then the peeps at Black Mesa game me like, an actual job. Probably realized how good my ass looks in a uniform. Hung out a lot more with Jeffrem and Tommy after that. Got to go outside. Saw the sky for real for the first time, that was kinda cool.” 

He leaves out the part where the sight of the massive night sky had both frightened and excited him so much that Tommy had to spend the better part of an hour calming him down.

“So yeah, there I am one day, doing my 9-5 when suddenly this..uh..cringe ass scientist walks up to me, dick’s out and no passport. And the rest is, like they say, history.”

He can’t help but to give a bow at the end, more than a little proud about that last part. 

Benrey is not expecting applause or anything but he does expect some kind of reaction from Gordon. When met only with silence he looks up and finds the other man watching him, brows slightly knitted together in a look that seems to be a mix of concern and….sadness?

“So you’ve spent your life playing video games and walking around Black Mesa, not even thinking about leaving until the whole place blew up, killing almost everyone you ever knew?”

“Uuh yeah something like that.” 

He doesn’t really want to think about it as a whole, makes it sound very un-pog and sad and Benrey's life is nothing like that! He would like to move away from this topic now please and thank you. 

“Hey what’s the ocean like? Never seen that either come to think of it.”

Gordon doesn’t answer his question, instead he puts his real hand on Benrey's shoulder.

“So like, please don’t make fun of me for asking but...do you need a hug right now?”

There is an instant short circuit in Benrey's brain as he tries to process the question. Gordon is offering a hug? Gordon? Offering? Hug?! Too afraid of what’s going to slip out if he opens his stupid big mouth Benrey just nods and all but dives into the arms opening before him.

Benrey is going to have to replace his screen saver again because for some reason this hug is even better than the last. As his brain isn’t on the tail end of a panic attack it’s even easier to take in all the details. Benrey has gotten his fair share of hugs, mostly from Tommy but still, and he thinks himself as a good judge on the quality of hugs. This is one primo hug. Even with the prosthetic Gordon has a very good grip, nice and strong and it makes Benrey feel enveloped in the warmth that radiates from his body. He’s a good height too, perfect for Benrey to rest his chin on Gordon's shoulder. And he still smells So. Fucking. Good. How is it even allowed to go around smelling like that? 

Ah fuck brain’s going all pink and blue again. Need to make this less of a crush hug and more of a friend hug. What was that thing that Dr. Coomer always did? Benrey raises one hand and gives two solid pats on the back of Gordon's back. And just to be extra clear what a friendly hug this is he says it out loud too.

“Pat, pat.”

A huffed laughter blows past Benrey's ear as Gordon pulls back. It smells like sugar and milk. He swallows hard, forcing that sweet voice back from where it came. 

He doesn’t hide his smile though and Gordon actually mirrors it. Shit talking about stuff really works. Gotta remember to thank Tommy for that tip.

“Hey Benrey, do you wanna go outside and do something tomorrow? You’ve been out for a week and so far you’ve only seen the mall and the grocery store. What would you like to see?”

Is Godon asking him out on a date?! No! Bad crush brain! Of course he isn’t. This is a friend thing which is...good. Friend’s don’t go on dates and hold hands and...his runaway thoughts get interrupted by Gordon.

“Benrey?”

Right, question. Need to answer it like a good pal. Where does he want to go? He hasn't really thought about stuff like that. He mostly just kept on his routine with gaming and hanging out with people online. What do you even do outside?

“Uuhhhh..the ocean?” That is a real place right? He is 80% sure the ocean is real. “Yeah! wanna have a closer look at the fishes from the fishing mini games.”

“That might be hard since this state is landlocked. Uuuh, we could go to the aquarium, it’s a bit like the ocean, and it’s easier to watch the fish.”

“Sure man, sounds dope. Let's ogle some fish.”

Benrey feels a bit more safe in letting out his sweet voice this time and he watches as the yellow orbs rise towards the ceiling. 

Mission 2 status: success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow means I'm a happy fellow.
> 
> https://artlesscomedic.tumblr.com/post/634705551251636224/mother-of-fuck-have-yall-read-this-fic-bc-you I got more fanart! Look at it! It’s so pretty!!!! 😭 Thank you so much artlesscomedic!
> 
> Much softer chapter this week and the much anticipated Benrey back story. We're gong to tone down the angst a bit for a little while but don't worry, I'll give you some more before this whole thing is over ;) 
> 
> Guys thank you SO much for all the nice comments on last chapter, I was literally drowning in them and it was the best feeling ever. I even got my first ever piece of fan art (for anything I've ever written!) which was epic as fuck! I've liked it in the end note for last chapter if you wanna check it out. If anyone else feel inclined to draw something please tag me in it on tumblr or twitter (I've linked them in my bio).
> 
> Last a heads up, I usually have the next chapter already written when posting one but I've been distracted by other stuff this week and haven't even started it ^^' There might be a slight chance that next weeks update will be delayed. Hopefully I can wrangle it into existence over the weekend though.


	8. Chapter 8

Benrey stands in front of his dresser and has a hard time deciding. What do you actually wear when you visit an aquarium? He has a vague idea of what an aquarium is, something made of glass filled with water and fish. Maybe not too unlike Bubby's tube he muses and has to hold back a laugh at the thought of Bubby in his tube furiously swiping at fish that swim around him. 

This still doesn't leave him with any clue on what to wear. Would the fish even care what colour his t-shirt is? _‘Would Gordon?’_ his pink brain adds. No! Bad brain, this is not some kind of dating sim. Benrey won’t get extra heart points just because he wears a t-shirt with a meme that made Gordon laugh once. He grabs it anyway before heading out towards the kitchen.

Luckily Gordon isn’t up yet. That means he has time to prepare. Taking out his phone, Benrey opens the note app.

1\. Take out a bowl (like a plate but with a hole)  
2\. Take out milk (white stuff in the white and red carton)  
3\. Take out fruit loops.  
4\. Pour the cereals into the bowl, fill it halfway up.  
5\. Pour milk to just under the brim (wait until just before serving, soggy cereals are the worst)  
6\. Serve with a spoon and a glass of orange juice (orange stuff in orange carton)

He remembers the steps from yesterday but it’s nice to have confirmation that he won’t fuck up the whole thing. Tommy had sent them yesterday after a bit of a vent session and a lecture about OSHA regulations in the kitchen. 

And now he knows how to make cereals. One food lever acquired! The question is how many points he needs before he can make an omelette like the one that Gordon had made that first day. He is gonna have to look up some pro cooking strats for it later. 

He prepares two bowls with cereals but doesn’t pour the milk and then goes to fetch the Switch. While grinding his rainbow road skills he listens for footsteps on the stairs. 

It takes almost half an hour before Benrey hears something from upstairs. Not that he is obsessively checking the clock or anything. Stupid Feetman can sleep however long he wants, it’s not like Benrey cares.

He adds the milk to one of the bowls and returns his focus to the game, trying not to glance towards the door to the kitchen. When Gordon walks in Benrey hears him paus and he distracts himself by shoving a spoonful of dry cereals into his mouth. (Gordon might like his loops soggy and Benrey will never understand him).

“You...you make breakfast again?” There is something in Gordon's voice, the same thickness that was present yesterday when Benrey gave him food. 

Benrey still doesn’t look up.

“We’re still going to the fish place today?” Benrey tries to sound nonchalant, he can still have a bit of an aloof gamer persona...as a treat. 

“Yeah, if you still want to that is.”

“Yeah I do!” Dammit! Stupid orange and yellow sweet voice ruining his cool. 

He hears Gordon chuckle and finally looks up. He is actually dressed in something other than faded band t-shirts and sweatpants for once. An orange button up with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. His hair is pulled back in a tight ponytail. Handsome. Benrey crunches extra hard on his loops trying to drown out the pink thoughts with mixed success.

They eat in silence, Gordon only pausing to go make himself a cup of coffee. Benrey hadn’t dared touch the machine, too many buttons. 

“So I know of this aquarium, it’s kinda small and doesn’t have any outside attractions but it’s nice. I took Joshua there last year.”

Gordon always gets a certain look on his face whenever he talks about his son. It’s a softness that makes him look younger, less tired. Benrey tries not to wonder what it would feel like to have Gordon look like that while talking about him. 

As usual Benrey is left waiting in the hallway for Gordon to finish a million little things before they can leave. He really doesn’t understand why Gordon needs all this stuff. Like water bottles, what is it with this man’s obsession with always bringing water any time he has to go outside. Especially since soda exists and is clearly the superior liquid  
.   
“Yo Slowman, we going or not?”

“In a minute! I left my keys somewhere.” Gordon shouts from somewhere in the house.

“You left them in the kitchen last time you went shopping.” 

Benrey had been really focused on Gordon's hands that day, following them as they picked up and placed things from the shopping bag. He distinctly remembers Gordon's flesh hand absentmindedly putting the keys on the spice rack.

Gordon finally emerges in the hallway, looking a bit flustered.

“Thanks Benrey, you ready to go?”

“Dude I’ve been waiting here forever, kinda understand how Bubby felt now. Let’s GO!”

Gordon doesn’t answer his taunts but grips the brim of Benrey's cap as he walks past, pulling it down over his eyes. 

Benrey is still on radio time out in the car, Instead Gordon puts on some kind of hard, angry music that hurts Benrey's ears a bit, but it makes Gordon smile and nod his head to the beat so he bites back the emo insults that’s on the tip of his tongue. Instead he directs his gaze outside the car window, watching the world fly by. 

The thing that fascinates Benrey the most with the outside world is the amount of people in it. Black Mesa was never crowded, the scientist and guards spread out far apart in the sprawling facility. Out here humans are like ants, swarming all over the place, clogging up both the roads and the sidewalks. It’s a bit intimidating to be honest. Not that he would ever admit that.

He likes all the green though. The games that let him traverse through forests or over rolling green hills has always been Benrey’s favorite. Maybe he can suggest going to a forest for their next non-date. Yeah, let’s go hug some trees. 

The first thing that hits Benrey as they walk into the etrence of the aquarium is the smell. It’s bitter and a bit salty, reminding him faintly of some of the places on Xen. Some of the floating islands had pools of brackish water that smelled a bit like this. But it doesn’t look anything like Xen, instead of muted greys and blues everything is bright and colourful. 

“Ok so, same deal as last time we were out ok. Keep close to me, no sweet voice and don’t touch or climb anything ok?”

Benrey opens his mouth to bitch back a bit but closes it again. It’s time to be nice, Gordon is being nice bringing him here. Good friend Benrey will also be nice and follow the rules. Doesn’t mean he can’t tease Gordon a bit though. He holds out his hand to the other man, an expectant look on his face.

“What?” Gordon eyes his hand suspiciously. 

“Hold hands? Gotta make sure I don’t run off.” Ha! Good one Benrey, maybe he can even get that fun blushing look from Gordon.

His pride turns into something entirely different though when Gordon's big warm hand envelopes his own, holding it firmly.

“Good idea Benrey, now don’t let go or you’ll get lost.” 

The smug look on Gordon's face shows that he knows exactly what he’s doing and Benrey sputters but doesn’t say anything else, opting to drag the cap down further over his eyes. 

The aquarium is nothing like the little glass cubes Benrey has seen in some video games. The first room they walk into is lit by a warm yellow light, plants surrounding an actual pond in the middle of the room. The walls have different sized windows in them and behind them he can see shapes of fish swimming around. It’s almost like they’re on land and underwater at the same time. The thought is a bit dizzying and suddenly he’s very thankful for the grounding feeling of Gordon's hand in his. 

“This is the room with fresh water fish, if you actually wanna try fishing sometimes these are the kinds you’ll probably catch.”

“You can fish for real?” 

“I mean yeah, it’s not just a video game thing you know.”

“How would I know that? Is fighting tournaments real too? Imma need a list!”

Gordon gives him that look again and Benrey really doesn’t like the sadness in it. He frowns a bit in response and drags Feetman with him over to the edge of the pond. 

“We gonna ogle some fish or what?”

The pond water is green and Benrey finds himself pulled from from the grumpy mood Gordon's reaction had left him in. The movement of the silver bodies in the water is mesmerizing. They move with such calm and grace, sometimes twitching and shooting off in different directions. As he stares he feels something deep within him stir, his teeth itches, fingers twitch in a sudden need to grab and tear and…

He’s awakened from his trance by a yank from Gordon's hand.

“Hey, don’t lean too far, you almost fell in.”

“Yo, weird question, do you have to use fishing rods when you fish?”

“What do you mean?”

“Can’t you just, I dunno, grab them?”

“You wanna...grab the fish?”

“Yeah!” Benrey swallows some of the orange sweet voice at the thought. 

“I mean I can just take you to a river and toss you in it and we’ll see how it goes.”

Gordon has that teasing look back on his face and Benrey bites back a retort. Man, Feetman is really making this not being mean thing hard when he’s behaving like that. 

Benrey really likes the next room. It looks almost like a jungle, big green plants growing everywhere, the air so humid it makes Gordon's pony tail all frizzy. Through it all runs something that looks like a river, if a river could be contained in one room. A winding path leads them over a small hanging bridge where Benrey again is caught in rapt attention on the colorful shapes swimming below. 

Suddenly there is a low rumbling coming from speakers hidden within all the green and Gordon pulls at his hand again, leading him in under a small roof built into the side of the room.

“Oh you’re going to love this part.”

“Wha-” But Benrey doesn’t have time to finish his question before water starts falling from above in a mock monsoon. 

“Woah.” 

He might have seen rain before and this is of course only a fake one but the sound of water falling on leaves and in the river, it’s something he’s never experienced before. He sticks a hand out feeling the drops land and then moves further out, taking off his cap and letting it hit his head. It’s so much softer than the water from the shower head. Pulling his head back in he shakes his head, letting droplets fly all around him.

“Hey!” Gordon pulls his hand away to wipe off his glasses. 

“What up Feetman, afraid of a bit of water?”

Gordon just scrunches up his face at him before recapturing Benrey's hand and dragging off with him again. Point for Benrey.

Blue light meets them as they enter the third room. In the walls and placed all around are smaller aquariums with clear water. 

“They have the salt water fish in here.” Gordon explains but Benrey doesn’t listen, his eyes falling on something that looks suspiciously like Bubby's tube back. But it’s not filled with either green goop or grumpy old men, instead there are round, almost see through bodies floating around. It’s like they’re suspended in air instead of moving through water.

“Hey why do they have a tube with plastic bags in here?”

Goron follows his pointing finger and laughs when he sees what Benrey is referring to.

“They do kinda look like plastic bags don’t they. That’s jellyfish.”

“Is that where the stuff you put on the pb&J sandwiches comes from?!” Benrey can’t help but feel a bit alarmed at the thought.

Gordon wheezes and has to take a moment catching his breath. 

“No definitely not.” He wipes a tear from the corner of his eye before approaching the tube, Benrey in tow. “Why don’t you read up on them yourself if you're curious.” He indicates to the sign placed beside the tube. 

Benrey leans in and squints at the small text.

“Hey it’s called a moon jellyfish, Bubby would probably like that.” He exclaims after reading the first line. He looks back and continues reading.“Oh dip, this little idiot doesn’t have a brain, thought you had to have one of those.” 

Gordon hums in response.

“Some of these dudes are apparently super big and hella poison.”

“Venomous.” Gordon corrects.

“There is a difference?”

“If you bite it and die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die it is venomous.”

Benrey furrows his brows as he thinks.

“But it doesn’t have teeth.”

“Same thing if it stings you.”

“Huh.” He gets back to reading. “Hey I like these little funky fellas, some are super big and live at the bottom of the ocean. That’s so cool.”

“They are kinda neat.”

“Neat? Dude, they don't even have brains and are still one of the deadliest predators in the ocean, that’s a bit more than neat.”

“If you say so.”

Benrey stares at the jellyfishes until Gordon gets restless and starts to wander off. Not wanting to let go of the hand just yet (it’s called buddy system for a reason ok) Benrey follows. 

The last room must be the most impressive. One wall contains a giant pane of glass giving the visitors the view into a large underwater scene where a myriad of different kinds of fish swim around. 

Benrey's eyes immediately fall on one of the larger bodies in the water. That’s a whole ass shark, a real one! The fact that it’s actually one swimming in front of him and not an enemy in a game blows his mind a bit. The giant body moves smoothly through the water and Benrey feels an exciting chill travel through his spine at the sight of the maw opening showing off rows upon rows of teeth. 

He goes up and presses his hands to the glass, trying to get as close a look as he can at the massive creature. At one point it actually swims past right before him and he has to swallow as to not break his promise of no sweet voice, the spicy, smoky flavour of excitement burning on his tongue. 

It takes him a while to realize that both his hands are pressed to the cold glass and that Gordon is not standing beside him.Turning around he scans the room only to find him standing in a far off corner, back towards the display and hand pressed against the wall.

That’s not good, that’s not good at all. Concern knots in Benrey’s stomach as he starts to walk over. The concern only grows stronger as he sees how Gordon's back is heaving with heavy breaths, his shoulders even shaking slightly. Benrey hovers his hand over his back a bit before deciding against touching. He glances over his shoulder, no one seems to be looking at them, the few other visitors too occupied with the display of underwater creatures.

Opening his mouth he lets out a couple of orbs of calming blue, their slight glow lost in the already blue light of the room. It only takes a couple of seconds before Gordon's shoulder slumps and the heaving stops. Gently Benrey places a hand on his shoulder and turns him around. Gordon's face is flushed, eyes half lidded by the effect of the sweet voice but it’s clear that they’ve been filled with tears just a couple of seconds ago.

“Hey, you ok?”

Gordon swallows, distant eyes finding Benrey's face and brows furrowing in confusion.

“We’re are we?”

“Aquarium dude. We’re ogling fish, remember?”

Gordon takes a deep breath, eyes scanning the room and Benrey feels Gordon's body jerk as they land on the display opposite them.

“Can we leave? The café is right up ahead, I need to sit down.”

“Sure, you need some water?”

Gordon fumbles with his shoulder bag and pulls out a bottle, drinking greedily as he speedwalks out of the room, Benrey having to hurry to keep up.

They find themself sitting opposite each other at a small table, a cup of coffee in front of Gordon and a cinnamon roll before Benrey.

“Sooo...wanna tell what tilted you out?”

“Guh, it’s so stupid.” Gordon hangs his head a bit over the cup, embarrassment clear in his voice as his prosthetic comes up and rubs his neck. 

“Nah man, feelings aren’t stupid they’re like…” he smacks his lips trying to find the right words. “...important and shit.” Eh, good enough.

“I don’t like sharks.” Gordon says bluntly, eyes still fixed on his coffee.

“Why did you go into the shark room then? Seems kinda stupid.” 

“It wasn’t this bad before ok! They used to just kinda creep me out but now…” he trailers off, eyes refusing to meet Benrey's. 

“But now…” Benrey prompts.

Gordon sighs heavily, grip around the coffee mug tightening.

“It reminded me of the boss fight.”

Benrey's body grows very cold. Flashes of a nightmare he thought he had forgotten suddenly back in his mind, echoing the feelings he’d felt watching the fish, the prey, barely an hour ago. He closes his eyes, trying to block out the phantom feeling of something getting crushed in his hand. 

“It was big and grey and those eyes...suddenly I was back at Xen and I…” Gordon trails off again, a small tremble in his voice. 

Benrey looks at Gordon, really looks at him now. At the dark circles around his eye, the grey in his hair and how his grip around the coffee cup threatens to crack it. This is probably not something sweet voice can fix, not permanently at least. He slides his hand over the table, fingertips brushing over Gordon's knuckle. Gordon jolts at the touch, wide eyes staring back at Benrey.

“I won’t hurt you.” He doesn’t really know what else to say, how else he can convey the jumble of guilt, fear and self-loathing that twist and turn inside him. 

Gordon's eyes widens even more at the words before softening again, tension leaving his shoulders. Prosthetic releases its grip on the mug and he moves his real hand to rest beside Benrey's, fingers barely touching.

“I know. At least, I want to know that. Sometimes I can’t really control how my mind and body reacts or what it’s afraid of.” He trails off again, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Stupid brain?”

Gordon lips thins in a smile at that.

“Yeah, stupid brain.”

There is a moment where they both sit in silence, hands still almost but not really touching. 

“Thank you, for helping me again Benrey.”

The cold feeling that has resided inside Benrey since the mention of Xen is abruptly flushed away as he feels the heat rising on his face. 

“No worries bro, can’t have you go around losing your cool in public like that. Gonna ruin your street cred.”

Gordon barks out a laugh.

“Hah! You must be the first person in existence to think I have any cred, street or otherwise.” 

“Oof, self burn. That’s harsh.”

“Listen, I know what I’m about and I’m not ashamed of it.”

Benrey relaxes, disaster averted. Gordon's eyes travel around the room and lights up as he sees something over Benrey's shoulder.

“Hey, finish that. I wanna check out the gift shop.”

Benrey eats his cinnamon roll in two bites (ignoring the horror on Gordon's face at the act), before they set off to the corner containing the gift shop.

It’s kind of a cool store, not as cool as GameStop but definitely more fun than the place with all the food Benrey thinks. There are little fish plushies and toys and a wall filled with books. His eyes fall on one with a jellyfish on the cover and he wanders over and opens it. There’s too much text for Benrey to be bothered to read it, but there are also pictures. Jellyfishes in different sizes and shapes swim over the pages, and he can’t help but to trail a finger over their tranclutant bodies. They really are funky little fellows. He takes the book with his and wanders over to the register where Gordon is standing.

“What do I have to do to get this?” No use being subtle anymore about their little reward system. 

Gordon takes the book in his hands smiling as he sees what's on the cover.

“You really liked the jellyfishes huh?”

“There is one that looks like someone but black curtains on a mushroom. Of course I like em’.”

Gordon chuckles and puts the book on the counter.

“This one is for free, as thanks for earlier.”

The heat returns to Benrey's face and he can’t help the insult that slips out.

“Kinda gay of you.”

“Jupp, that’s me, biggest gay around.”

Benrey really wishes he had a pillow to scream certain colours into right now. 

They’re both exhausted by the time they get home and Gordon is easily persuaded to order a pizza. Benrey might really enjoy Gordon's cooking but there is just something about a meat lover with extra cheese that can’t compare to anything else.

Gordon disappears for a while after dinner, leaving Benrey to fight alone in arcade mode in Tekken. He’s just gotten past the mid boss when Gordon returns, something held behind his back.

“I..uuh, I got something for you..before I mean.”

Benrey perks up. Gift? Gift for best boy Benny?

Gordon shifts where he stands before continuing. 

“So like I know you probably only going to stay here for another week but I don’t want you to feel like you’re trapped here or anything. I don’t- This isn’t Black Mesa. You are free to come and go as you like, and it doesn’t always have to be with me.”

Benrey’s a bit confused, not sure where Gordon is going with this. The thought of him going out alone actually making him a bit anxious. 

“So yeah, here.” Gordon holds out his prosthetic hand, palm up. In it lies a key attached to a little jellyfish keychain. 

Benrey feels his eyes going wide as he grabs it, the jellyfish squishy in his grip. 

“You’ll have to give the key back when you move out, I only have one extra copy, but you can keep the key chain.” 

“Never had a key before.” Benrey mumbles without really thinking about what he’s saying. “Black Mesa only used key cards. Can’t have key chains on key cards.”

“Well you’re not in Black Mesa anymore are you.”

“Can I test it out right away?”

Gordon gives him a questioning look.

“Sure, knock yourself out.”

Benrey jumps up from the sofa and hurries to the front door. He opens it and stands in the doorway for a second.

“Bye! I’m going out!”

Gordon, standing in the end of the hallway leading up to the front door, gives a little wave.

“Bye I guess.”

Benrey closes the door and puts the key in the lock. It turns with a satisfying click. Then he spins around and watches the road going past Gordon's house. It’s early evening and the air is cooling down. Somewhere in the distance he can hear a dog bark. A car drives past, it’s lights illuminating the dusk for a second. Before him lies the world, behind him a locked door he holds the key to. Isn’t this a bit like eating the cake and having it too? Is he even allowed this? He decides not to get stuck in his own head for once. This is a fucking good day, might as well enjoy it. 

He turns again and unlocks the door. Opening it he yells:

“I’m back!”

“Oh.” Gordon looks out from the kitchen, a whisk in his hand. “Uuh...welcome back.”

And Benrey doesn’t even try to hold back the yellow flooding from his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow to bright orange like a fuse igniting means I find this exciting.
> 
> Yellow means I'm a happy fellow.
> 
> Edit: Guys! I got another piece of fan art from the awesome Buunii https://www.instagram.com/p/CH6pbUZp2Yo/?igshid=1mwciur9qaohh
> 
> I wrote 4000 words about an aquarium visit, dunno how that happened! It was suppose to be half a chapter but now I guess you'll get an extra one with the half that I couldn't get into this one. 
> 
> Fun fact: the aquarium in this chapter is based on the one in Animal Crossing New Horizon and the small one in my home town. It has the jungle room with the fake rain. As soon as the world allows it I'm taking my girlfriend there on a date! 
> 
> The jellyfish that looks like a mushroom with curtains is a Stygiomedusa gigantea and it's both terrifying and very cool. 
> 
> I also got another piece of fan art which and I still can't believe there are people who likes my stuff enough to draw it. You are absolutely amazing! I post a link for it in chapter 6 since it's a scene from that chapter. 
> 
> Lastly I just want to thank you all again for all the love I get in the comments and for all the kudos. I really hope you'll continue to enjoy the rest of the story.


	9. Chapter 9

Every day for the last three days there has been a bowl of Fruit Loops waiting for Gordon in the kitchen. They’re never soggy which means Benrey must wait until he hears him come down the stairs before pouring in the milk. The surprise dwindles with each morning but the tightness in his chest does not. 

It’s weird, the battle of lingering anger, pity and fondness that lives like a background noise in his head nowadays. Although the anger seems to dissipate more and more for each passing day. Small things still ignite it; when Benrey says something that reminds him too much of their fights in Black Mesa, or when the teasing goes too far. In those moments he feels it rise in his chest and it’s always a struggle not to let it explode outwards or bury it deep in the boxes of his mind. But he’s been staying true to his word to Tommy, and has tried very hard to communicate without yelling. 

“Don’t say stuff like that Benrey.”

“Wuh?”

Gordon takes a deep breath, silently counting to ten and reminds himself that sometimes Benrey actually doesn't hear or understand what he’s saying.

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t call me a weak ass loser when you beat me in Mario Kart.”

Benrey stares down at his controller, lips smacking in his usual ‘I’m trying to think of something to say’ manner.

“S’ just some smack talk bro, bit of ribbing between pals.”

“Ok one, this friend thing is still in a trial phase, don’t get too comfortable with that stuff just yet. And two, it’s frustrating because I’m still struggling with this…” he waves his prosthetic in the air a bit. “...so being called a loser by you of all people… well, it makes me angry. Does that make sense?” Gordon keeps his voice under control, doesn’t raise it but can’t help the edge that seeps into it.

There is a look on Benrey's face. Before, Gordon might have thought it just indifference but the last couple of weeks has helped him read the subtle changes. The pupils in his eyes thins into slim slits, his shoulders tightens up ever so slightly and his jaw juts forward just a bit. Benrey’s upset. He doesn’t look at Gordon and instead stares into the space ahead. And Gordon waits, battles down the impatient voice inside of him who would like to shake an answer out of Benrey. It won’t work, waiting however, will. 

“Sorry. I won’t call you that... again.”

Gordon lets out a breath he did not notice he was holding. The apology is simple and he would have preferred a bit more substance. But he’s also aware that Benrey is trying, in his own way. Small steps, he would have to accept that it is a slow process. 

So he forces a smile back on his face and lets his real hand land on Benrey's shoulder. Physical contact worked well as a positive reinforcement on the alien. Ever since their first hug during Benrey's panic attack Gordon has been noticing how much Benrey seems to crave the touch of another person. After hearing about the way Benrey had grown up...well it isn’t really a surprise to Gorodn that he’s a bit touch starved. 

“Thank you for the apology Benrey. I really appreciate it. You wanna have lunch?”

Benrey's face shifts again. Pupils dilating, mouth opening just a fraction and hands letting go of the controller to grip at a pillow. Surprised and...happy? Gordon's theory is proven correct by the stream of yellow that spills from between sharp teeth. 

Every day it becomes a little bit easier to understand his house guest. It’s not just the growing knowledge of Benrey's sweet voice and facial expression. Knowing about how Benrey’s background really helps putting a lot of his behaviour in perspective. 

It had been sad listening to Benrey talk about a life in captivity like it hadn’t even bothered him. And maybe it hadn’t. Maybe Black Mesa had done such a good job indoctrinating the thought that ‘this is as good as it gets’ into Benrey that the alien hadn’t even tried to use his not inconsiderable amount of powers to escape. It fills Gordon with both a deep pity and a burning rage just thinking about it. On a more positive note, the guilt he had felt towards his involvement in the destruction of the facility has lessened a great deal. 

This context was also the reason for his decision to give Benrey his spare key. The thought that Gordon’s home would be some kind of extension to the imprisonment Benrey had suffered his whole life made him sick to his stomach. So he gave Benrey a key with a silly key chain because no one should just have a naked key. And the sentiment had come through, he thinks. Not that Benrey had left even once after his first turn out the door. But Gordon often sees him holding it in his hand, thumb pressing down on the squishy jellyfish keychain.

When he comes down the third day after the aquarium outing and finds the third bowl with Fruit Loops Gordon makes another decision in giving Benrey some more freedom. 

“Hey you wanna learn how to actually cook some stuff?”

Benrey pauses his ungodly crunching of dry cereal and looks up from his switch. Eyes a bit wider than normal, cheeks full with food and head tilted slightly to the side. Gordon guesses; surprised and confused. 

Benrey takes a second to swallow down his mouthful before answering. 

“What...what kind of stuff?

“I mean we would have to start out easy. Fry an egg, cook pasta, that kind of stuff.”

“Omelette!?”

“Uuuuh sure, why omelette though?”

“Haven't had it since that first day, it was super tasty. 10/10 on IGN.”

That first day? Gordon has to think back before he remembers the first lunch he’d cooked with whatever he’d been able to scrounge up in his fridge. It was barely two weeks ago but it already feels like a lifetime. He’s surprised Benrey even remembers that. Of all the things he’d cooked the omelette seems like the least impressive one. 

“Ok, yeah- you wanna try making it for lunch?”

An overly enthusiastic nod accompanied by yellow and orange. Gordon has sort of figured out that it corresponds to excitement even if Benrey hasn't told him the rhyme yet. He makes a mental note to ask Tommy for some kind of list of sweet voice meanings when he gets back. 

Teaching Benrey how to cook isn’t as hard as Gordon had feared it would be. Benrey can be surprisingly careful when he wants to. Even though Gordon often has to repeat his instruction at least twice before they seem to register. 

“How many eggs is that now?”

“Uuhhhh…” Benrey looks down in the bowl “...eight.”

“I said use four eggs.”

“Lost count.”

“You counted them right now.”

“Yeah and it’s eight.”

It’s _only_ eggs Gordon reminds himself as he doubles the amount of milk. They’ll just have some more leftovers, no worries. 

He is a bit worried about letting Benrey near the stove. Last time that happened he almost burnt down the house. But he didn’t have supervision then. It should be fine.

“So how do you know when it’s warm enough? You just touch it?”

“NO! Do not touch the frying pan. For god's sake Benrey we just took off the bandages from your last wound, don’t give yourself a fresh burn now.”

“Maybe I want another..uuuuuhh...magic spell!”

“I thought we agreed we would not talk about that.” Gordon hates that he feels heat rise to his cheeks at the memory. That’s what he gets for letting himself be soft.

Benrey just presents one of his wide toothy grins and there is no anger in Gordon this time. It’s mostly a feeling of comfort and...normalcy? The domesticity of it all is calming after all the chaos. It’s nice. 

They manage not to burn the omelette and the look on Benrey's face when he eats awakens a strange sense of pride in Gordon. 

“Eggman!! This is even better than the last one!”

“It’s the cheese and basil. Didn’t have that last time.”

“I’m a better cook than you. _Master Chief_.”

Gordon snorts.

"I think you mean Master Chef. Alright, will you take over cooking duty then? Chief?"

“Call of cooking duty!”

“Now you’re just saying gamer things.”

The low key bickering and teasing is also something Gordon has come to enjoy. Of all the stupid things that happened in Black Mesa Benrey's idiotic gamer talk was something that actually made him laugh. Without the neverending threat of death and the stress that comes with it, Benrey is surprisingly funny. 

He hates to admit it but he might actually have laughed more since Benrey showed up on his doorstep than he had for months before that. A part of Gordon wonders if that doesn’t say more about his life before the Resonance Cascade than the quality of Benrey's humor. 

That night it began to rain. Gordon doesn’t even notice it until Benrey jumps up from the couch to press his face against a window.

“Go outside?”

Gordon looks up from his laptop to watch the pour outside.

“What are you a dog? You have a key, you can take a walk if you want to.”

“Come with?”

“I really don’t wanna get wet.” He returns his focus to the computer. 

“Aw c’mon, it’s like a...big shower. Gonna get you squeaky clean.”

“I’m already clean and you don’t shower with your clothes on.” Gordon pauses and glances up on Benrey. “Please tell me you don’t shower with your clothes on.”

“Bro, are you thinking about me without clothes?”

“I don-”

“C’mon Gordon, I let you win in Mario Kart.”

It’s a bit strange hearing Benrey call him by his actual name, he has done it more and more often lately and Gordon is trying to encourage that behaviour. He sighs and closes the laptop. 

“Fine I’ll go on a walk with you, but only around the block and I’m bringing an umbrella.”

Benrey does a little fistpump in the air and scurries off towards the hallway. 

Might be good for him to be outside a bit more. Gordon can show him the neighbourhood, maybe that would make Benrey more comfortable with leaving the house on his own. 

When he comes into the hallway Benrey has already opened the door, head poking outside not unlike how he’d done it at the Aquarium. 

“You don’t want a jacket at least?” 

Benrey only has a t-shirt with the text PHD: Pretty Huge Degree on it (Gordon will not admit that he laughed the first time he saw it, he has some shred of dignity to preserve) and a pair of track pants. 

“Nah, wanna experience this as much as I can. Jacket would only get in the way.”

“If you get sick I won’t take care of you.”

“Yes you will.”

Fuck, called his bluff on that one. Gordon really has gone too soft lately.

It’s already dark outside and the rain makes it even harder to see. The street is deserted, no one is venturing outside in this kind of weather. Well except them apparently. 

First thing Benrey does after stepping outside the door is walking straight into a puddle, completely soaking his sneakers. 

“Congratulations, that’s going to feel awful walking around in.”

Benrey ignores his chiding.

“Water level.”

“What?”

“It’s like a real life water level.” Benrey does some swimming motions. He looks absolutely ridiculous, soaking wet, hair plastered to his head and a wide smile on his face. Gordon can’t help but to laugh. 

“Doesn't everyone hate water levels?”

“Only fake gamers, you a fake gamer, Feetman?”

“Scalding insult there Benrey, I am very hurt, crushed even, that you would question my position as a _real_ gamer. How dare you sir?”

Now it’s Benrey's turn to laugh, that weird static cackle that’s always too loud and infectious. So here they are, two grown men laughing their asses off in the middle of a downpour. 

When the laughter has died out Benrey doesn’t start talking again. Instead he turns his face towards the dark sky and closes his eyes, letting the rain fall on him. It’s strangely intimate seeing him like this and Gordon finds himself looking away. He keeps forgetting how alien Benrey really is. Even without his powers his view and experiences of the world is just so different from Gordon's own. 

“Hey you hear that?”

He’s pulled from his thoughts by Benrey's voice. He is looking down the street, cupping his hand around his ear, apparently trying to catch the sound of something. Gordon listens but doesn’t hear anything but the falling rain. 

“No. What does it sound like?”

“Meep.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Sounds like that, meep.” Benrey's voice is pitched high when he imitates the sound, sounding a bit like a cartoon mouse.

“I don’t…” But he doesn’t get to finish before Benrey takes off in a sprint down the road. 

Gordon swears under his breath and starts to jog after, trying and failing to angle his umbrella so that he won’t get completely soaked. When he finally catches up Benrey is on his stomach in front of a hedge that divides someone's yard from the street. He has his arm up to the elbow into the underbrush, a look of deep concentration on his face. Thankfully the road is still deserted. He does not want to explain what the fuck even Benrey is doing to one of the neighbous.

“Benrey, what the hell man? Get up from there. You can’t go around digging through other peoples...uuuhhh hedges!”

“Gimme a sec I almost...OW!”

“Benrey, stop, before someone sees us!”

“Little hell-chonk bit me.”

“Wait, what?!” But Gordon doesn’t have to wait, Benrey finally pulls his arm back and in his hand he’s holding something small and soft. 

For a second, Gordon thinks that Benrey has caught a baby racoon or worse, like a rat and he’s just about to start a lecture about rabies when the bundle of fur in Benrey's hands gives a pitiful little meow.

“Oh... it’s... a cat.”

“It is? But it’s so small. Pocket size.” Benrey stands up and holds out his hands.

Curled up in them is a tiny kitten, barley old enough to have left its mother if Gordon would give a guess. Its fur is a mix of white, orange and black- a calico, Gordon thinks as he gently takes the trembling thing from Benrey. 

“It must have gotten out from one of the homes around here. It doesn’t seem to have a collar. Maybe it’s chipped?”

“Is it alright? It stopped making the sound.”

“Probably just a bit weak and scared. Let's get it out of the rain and we can go to the vet tomorrow and see if they can help us find the owner.” 

Maybe they should start knocking on doors tonight but it’s already late and both the cat and Benrey is completely drenched. Whoever had been careless enough to let such a young cat outside can wait until tomorrow.

When they get home again he sends Benrey to get dried off, the other man seemingly unwilling to leave the little creature's side.

“What if it runs off again?”

“I’ll make sure that it doesn’t Benrey, now go get changed, you’re dripping all over the floor.”

Gordon takes his time carefully drying off the kitten who perks up now that it’s out of the rain. It gives an angry little hiss at Gordon's ministrations. 

“Yeah yeah, hiss if it makes you feel better, just don’t bite me.” 

The cat promptly tries to sink its little teeth into Gordon's prosthetic finger. 

“Hah, nice try. Gonna take more than that to take out Gordon Freeman.”

“Are you squaring off against a cat?”

Fuck, he hadn’t heard Benrey come in.

“Just giving out the ground rules, same as I did with you.”

“Cats can follow rules?”

“Only if they want to.” Kinda like Benrey, Gordon muses.

Benrey sinks down on one of the kitchen chairs, chin on top of his folded arms to observe Gordon work. 

Finally the cat seems somewhat dry and Gordon looks around for somewhere to keep it for the night where it would make minimal damage. Bathroom maybe? But before he gets to a decision Benrey holds out his arms towards him.

“You wanna hold it?”

“Please and thank you.”

“Careful, she bites.”

“I know” Benrey grins and holds up a finger covered in teal.

He takes the cat in a surprisingly gentle manner, one hand just under the front legs and the other under its butt. The cat's change in temper is immediate. From a little ball of seething anger it goes slack, nose turned towards Benrey's chin and a soft purr starting up.

“Hey, this thing has a rumble effect.”

“It’s purring, that means it feels safe.”

Benrey's eyes widen as he looks down on the little bundle in his hands.

“It feels safe with... me?”

“Appently, probably likes being with another chaotic little bastard.”

Benrey takes that as a compliment. The cat has curled up in his knee, tail tucked neatly around its body. 

“S’ so small.”

“It’s only a baby, it’s going to grow bigger.”

“How big?”

“Uuh...depends, around this big maybe.” Gordon shows a space between his hands around the size of a regular house cat. 

“Aw so I won’t be able to ride it into battle?” Benrey sounds geniously disappointed and Gordon wheezes a bit. 

“What battle exactly?”

“I dunno, I could probably find one.” 

Benrey's hand hover just over the body of the cat, hesitating to touch it. A small nose comes up and meets a finger before the whole head rubs against it. 

“Whoa, what’s it doing now?”

“It wants cuddles, try stroking it’s head and back, very carefully though and don’t pet it against the hair.”

Benrey just nods and lets a finger slide over the head and down the spine. The kitten reacts immediately by arching into the touch, the purring increasing in volume. Benrey looks up at Gordon, a bit of panic in his voice.

“What does that mean?”

“It’s all good, you're doing great Benrey. It likes it. Try doing it again.” 

Eyes still a bit wide Benrey goes pack to petting the cat, getting more and more confident with every stroke. 

“It’s so soft.”

Gordon can’t help the smile that spreads across his face at the sight. He’s never seen this look on Benrey before. It’s a mix of confusion and elation and it’s kind of adorable. 

Gordon's brain does the mental equivalent of a record scratch. He had not just thought that the alien that had once tried to kill him looked adorable! There has to be a limit and this was it, into the box with that. Not touching it again. Gone! Focus on the task at hand. 

In the end they get some hamburger meat for the cat to eat and a bowl of water. There is not much to be done for a litter box so Gordon sacrifices a towel and some newspaper and puts it down in the corner of the guest bathroom. He also finds an extra blanket that will have to do for a cat bed. The big challenge comes when it is time to coax the cat out of Benrey's arms.

“Can’t it just, sleep here?”

“And you, how are you going to sleep?”

“I don’t have to sleep.”

“That is bullshit and you know it. You can play with it tomorrow before we take it to the vet.”

“Can I keep it company in the bathroom at least. No fun being locked in a strange new place all alone.”

The way Benrey says it makes Gordon think he’s talking out of experience and his heart twists a little. 

“Fine, but if you sleep in there don’t complain to me about your back hurting tomorrow.”

He leaves the two in the bathroom after throwing Benrey the pillow and blanket from the guest room. 

When Gordon comes down in the morning he doesn’t find a bowl of Fruit Loops nor Benrey in the kitchen. Opening the bathroom door confirms his suspicion as Benrey and the cat are curled up in a makeshift bed made out of blankets, pillows and Gordon's guest towels. Gordon lets out a soft sigh at the sight.

Benrey's hair is a wild nest of curls after going to sleep with it still wet, his body is curled ever so slightly around the kitten who sleeps peacefully against his stomach. 

Cute.

NO! Slam dunk that into the box and put a lid on it. There is a limit god dammit! HECK! He busies his traitorous brain with finding where the closest veterinarian is located. 

It’s afternoon by the time they finally arrive home again. Gordon arches his back a bit as he puts down two over filled bags inside the door.

“Ok, so I guess you have a cat now Benrey.”

The bright colours that pour out of Benrey's mouth almost blinds him. It seems that the alien has held a lot back while they were outside. He holds up the little cat, which the vet had confirmed as a girl, aloft in his hands. 

“Gonna name you N00b.”

“What kind of fucking name is N00b?”

“Short for Nooby Doo.”

"Are you serious right now??"

“YEP”

“You do realize that it's Scooby Doo?? Right, oh, and last I checked, Scooby Doo was a cartoon dog. You can’t name a cat after a dog!”

“Just did.”

“It’s fucking stupid.”

“Rude! Don’t insult other people's names Feetman.”

“I regret ever taking you out yesterday.” Gordon groans but there is a barely held back laugh growing in his chest. Of course Benrey would name a pet something so chaotic. 

Benrey is ignoring him in favour of rifling through one of the bags, fishing up a feather on a string toy. 

“Gonna have to train you N00b if you’re ever gonna evolve. You ready?”

The cat doesn’t answer, instead curling up before rushing and swiping after the feather. 

Gordon lets them tear through the house and starts to figure out where all the new cat things are going to fit in his home. At least it’s only temporary Gordon thinks as he tries to fit the litter box in a corner of the guest bathroom. 

He is wrestling with a big sack of cat litter when there is a knock at the door. Glancing at his phone he finds no messages from the rest of the science team warning him of their arrival. 

“There is someone at the door Benrey, be careful with...N00b so she doesn’t run outside.” 

“You’re a N00b!” Benrey yells from the direction of the living room.

“Hilarious Benrey, you’re a real comedic genius!!” He tries to sound sarcastic but the laughter is probably too present in his voice. 

The laughter dies in his chest when he opens the door.

“Good afternoon...Dr. Freeman.”

He hasn’t met Tommy's father since the birthday party and if Gordon could choose he’d go the rest of his life without meeting him ever again. But Gordon doesn't have a choice, as usual, and so now he stands on his doorstep and stares up on the tall suit clad man. Great times.

“Mr Colatta.” He greets sternly. 

“Please...call me G-man.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Very well Dr. Freeman. I am here to collect the...entity known as Benrey.”

It takes Gordon a couple of seconds to actually register what G-man says. Collect? Is he here to pick up Benrey? Why? 

Then it hits him, it has been around two weeks since Benrey first showed up. Tommy said he would be back by now. Had Gordon really forgotten that already? 

“I thought Tommy would come and get him.”

“My son is...not available at the moment. I’ve been tasked to collect him instead.”

“By Tommy?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes.”

There is something in the way G-man talked that sets Gordon on edge. Like every word holds both a double meaning and a secret. A memory of their previous talk in the train and G-man's mentioning of his mysterious employer comes back to him and Gordon grips the doorframe to stop his prosthetic from balling into a fist. 

“I have a question.” Gordon tries and fails to keep the aggression out of his voice. “Do you work for Black Mesa?”

G-man's face is as unreadable as usual as he stares down at Gordon.

“I don’t see how that is-”

“No bullshit please, just answer the question!” In his head Gordon hears snippets of Benrey telling him about the locked room he lived in, about experiments and loneliness.

“I work for my employers...who in turn employed Black Mesa for various...research elements. I’m afraid that is all I can tell you for the moment, Dr. Freeman.”

“Research, huh.” Gordon feels his grip around the doorframe tighten. “You mean like keeping a person locked up their whole life and repeatedly cutting him open because he doesn't feel pain?” Benrey might not have told about what kinds of experiments he’s been subjected to but Gordon had seen enough of Black Mesa on his travel through it to understand the implications. 

“Dr. Freeman there is no need-”

“Oh there is a need alright. Benrey told me all about his life in that hell hole. How he was never let out of the facility. How you kept him compliant with fucking videogames and taught him there were _nothing_ more in the world for him than that. You used your own fucking son as a playmate for him for god’s sake! And now you’ve come to COLLECT HIM?” Gordon is not even aware how loud his voice has gotten until he hears himself shout the last words. The wood of the door frame creaks under his grip.

Images of Benrey turn in his head. The look on his face when he eats something delicious. His careful first steps into the GameStop. Benrey standing in the rain, his face turned up and eyes closed. There is a tightness in Gordon's chest. It almost makes it hard to breath.

G-man's face shifts ever so slightly, mouth thin and eyebrows slightly furrowed. 

“So I am to assume that the entity will continue to stay within your care...Dr. Freeman?”

“He sure as fuck isn’t going anywhere with you that’s for sure.”

“I see…” 

There is a pause where they just stare at each other. Gordon has to avert his eyes after a while, a strange sense of vertigo coming over him after meeting those weirdly bright eyes for too long.

“Well then Dr. Freeman, I will leave Benrey in your care, for the time being. Do be advised. There might come a point where you don’t have a...choice in the matter if the entity stays with you or not.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Merely an observation Dr. Freeman. I will take my leave then. Should I...send your regards to my son?”

“Whatever.” 

His son, how can this creepy man be related to the sunshine that is Tommy in any way?

“Goodbye...Dr. Freeman.” With that there is a distortion in the space in front of his doorstep and when it’s gone, so is G-man. 

Gordon takes a deep breath and leans heavily against the doorframe. What the fuck had he just agreed to? Didn’t he want Benrey gone? Wasn’t this only temporary? 

The memory of Benrey curled up on the bathroom floor, a small kitten held carefully against his chest flickers past. He shakes it loose. 

It’s better like this. They’re getting used to each other, actually becoming friends. And he can’t trust G-man. Not one bit. For all Gordon knows G-man would just throw Benrey back in a new research facility. No, he has to wait for Tommy. He can trust Tommy. 

What had G-man meant with that Tommy had asked him to pick up Benrey... _in a manner of speaking_? He needs to talk with Tommy directly, get to the bottom of this.

In the hallway Gordon comes face to face with Benrey who stands with N00b curled up in his arms. His face is more unreadable than usual. He tries looking for the small hints that can help him discern Benrey's mood but finds none of them.

“I’m staying?” voice monotone, no sweet voice floating out. Is Benrey upset at him?

“Yeah...yeah, it seems that way. I’m sorry I should have asked you first.”

“Nah man it’s...pog...this is pog. Can you hold N00b for a sec. Gotta take a leak.”

“Sure.” Gordon holds out his hands and the kitten is unceremoniously dumped into his arm. She promptly sinks her claws into the sleeves of his hoodie. 

\---

Benrey barely has the time to close the bathroom door behind him before the sweet voice erupts out of him. It floats around his head and he follows their dance through the air with wide eyes. 

They’re grey, not unlike the colours of the wings of a dove.

_“Fuck.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow means I'm a happy fellow
> 
> Orange to yellow like a fuse igniting means I find this exciting
> 
> Grey like the wings of a dove means [REDACTED] 
> 
> This chapter contains another one of those scenes I've had since the beginning of this fic. I've always thought Benrey would get along with a cat. You can blame the name Nooby Do on my girlfriend who gave me a whole list when I asked for suggestions. Some names that didn't make the cut were: Dog, Steak, Dreamcast and Blue screen. 
> 
> As always thank you so much for all the love I get from you all. I find myself writing things and thinking "Oh I know people will yell at me in the comments for this one" and it's the most amazing feeling.
> 
> Edit: fan art off my favourite scene! https://springtrapprime1983.tumblr.com/post/639753711466561536/fanart-for-an-amazing-fic-called-becoming-human-by


	10. Chapter 10

_“Fuck”_

This is not how it was supposed to go. The point of getting closer to Gordon was to stop having that supid crush, not…

Benrey shakes his head as if he can dislodge the feelings whirling around inside. It’s all such a mess. He hadn’t expected stupid Feetman to defend him like that. Acting like he cares about Benrey or something. Like he... wants him around. The mere thought sends another wave of grey sweet voice out of him and Benrey almost dry heaves from the force of it. 

It’s too much. There is no space in his brain for thoughts anymore, too many feelings swirling around and filling up every crevice. Where’s the human walkthrough guide when you need one?

He needs help. He needs to call Tommy. Shaking fingers finds the number but it goes directly to voicemail. Has Tommy forgotten to charge his phone again? 

Ok, so he’s alone with this right now. It’s not like he can call the Boomers for help. Bubby barely stands him as it is and he probably isn’t so keen on having Benrey crash his and Coomers honeymoon phase. Also having to watch old people kissing...gross. 

Benrey takes a deep shaky breath, he can do this. It’s probably nothing, just a lapse in judgment. Yeah, who would even feel like that for a total nerd like Gordon Freeman. Walking around thinking he’s so smart and awesome... and good looking and…

A sprey of grey obscure his vision as it forces its way out of his throat again.

Benrey wipes his mouth when the sweet voice attack finally stops. He must be emptied out by now. He hadn’t spewed out this much since Xen and he was ten times his size back then. 

Just go out, act normal. He can do that. Right?

The sight of Gordon in the living room almost has him turn on his heel and dash back into the bathroom. 

He can’t do this!

“Hey Benrey, can you get a hold of Tommy? My calls aren't going through.”

The concern in Gordon’s voice puts a stop to any escape ideas Benrey might have had. He can’t leave Gordon upset like this. He almost tells Gordon that he hasn't been able to reach Tommy either but realizing just in time that it would give away that he’d tried to call Tommy in the bathroom, like some kind of weirdo. Instead Benrey picks up his phone and gives it another try. Same result. 

“Nah, homeboy seems to have forgotten to juice his phone.”

“You think? Something Mr. Colatta said worries me a bit and I just want to make sure he’s ok.”

Benrey furrows his brows, why wouldn’t Tommy be ok? He’s one of the smartest people Benrey knows, also super deadly with a gun. If the Cascade couldn’t take him down nothing can. 

“G-man’s a tool.” He offers as he drops down on the couch, making sure to keep as much distance between them as possible.

“You know him?”

“A bit. Hung around Black Mesa for a while when I was a little gamer. Creepy dude, can’t believe Tommy's related to him.”

“Yeah.” Gordon keeps staring at his phone with a very un-pog look on his face. 

The sight of N00bs paws swiping at their feets from under the sofa gives Benrey an idea. After a bit of a struggle and some scratched fingers he manages to dig her out and drops her down in Gordon's lap. 

“Emotional support cat.”

N00b sinks her little claws into Gordon jeans causing him to yelp and then burst out laughing. 

“That is _not_ how emotional support animals work.”

“Are you discrediting her education Feetman? Need to see her purrdentials?”

Gordon lifts up the little cat and holds her out in front of him, all the while N00b is trying to bite his fingers.

“Yeah! Show me N00b’s passport please. Is she even allowed to be here? What if she steals something?”

God he’s such a dork, can’t even come up with his own material. Not that it matters, Benrey still laughs. He even keeps all the sweet voice down. He can do this. 

And he can...kinda. Sure, the following two weeks Benrey might spend a little more time out of Gordon's way than usual. Holing up in his room with the Switch and N00b as company. But that’s just because he’s gotten really into Animal Crossing lately. Making Pass Port the perfect gamer island without time traveling takes time dammit. 

He’s also gotten the opportunity to actually use his key. Gordon bought a little harness and leash for N00b and, after some initial refusal and struggling on the cat’s part, Gordon guides them on a little tour of the neighborhood. It becomes a daily routine for Benrey and N00b after that, walking around and exploring the outside.

It’s nice getting to move his body again, and there are so many interesting things to observe in the outside world. His and N00bs favorite spot is the small park around a 10 minute walk from the house. They sometimes spend a long time just watching the birds and squirrels move around in the underbrush. Sometimes there are little humans coming up to them and asking to pet N00b. And Benrey is good now and lets them, doesn’t even ask them for their passport or anything. 

One new thing tops all the others though. In the last couple of weeks he has spent more time playing video games online. First with the dude he met at GameStop and his friends, but after a bit of digging he manages to find his old gamer pal Josh and through him some of Benrey's old online crew. It’s nice talking to them again, getting back into that pro gaming groove. It almost feels like the old days, almost. The big difference is that now Gordon joins him a lot of the time and either watches or, on a couple of memorable occasions, joins in playing. It’s surprising how well the scientist fits into the rapport of the group and how well Gordon has adjusted to using his new arm. He’s still kinda crap at gaming but Benrey makes sure to watch his back so that he doesn’t drag them too far behind. Benrey is a good bro like that. 

They keep being unable to get into contact with Tommy, the calls still not getting through and their texts are left unread. The Boomers are also unsuccessful in their tries and even if Coomer keeps reassuring them that Tommy is probably fine it’s starting to worry Benrey a bit. Maybe even more than a bit. One night he wakes from a nightmare in which Tommy falls into the infinity of space on Xen, screaming Benrey's name. When Benrey jolts out of bed, Tommy's voice still echoes in his mind. 

He doesn’t go back to sleep that night. Opting to bunker in the living room with N00b and playing Heavenly Sword until sun filters through the curtains and he hears Gordon start his morning routine on the floor above. Only then is he able to relax. He sneaks back to his room before Gordon comes down and sleeps the rest of the morning, not emerging until there is knocks on his door and Gordon cautiously asks him if he wants to eat lunch. 

He doesn’t talk about the dream, no need to worry Gordon any more than he already is. Can’t risk being offered another hug either. Benrey is not sure he could resist such a temptation and holding back his sweet voice in that situation would be impossible. 

The dream and lack of leaves him in a bad mood the rest of the day. There is also a persistent pain in his head that won’t go away and when Gordon approaches him in the evening he snaps at him without really meaning to. 

“Hey remember to empty N00bs cat litter today. You forgot it yesterday.”

“Wow Gordon Nagman, can’t go five minutes without getting on my case.” Benrey doesn’t look up from his Switch when answering, willing Gordon to go away and leave him and his headache alone. 

“Hey, I’m only trying to help.” The slight annoyance in Gordon's tone sets Benrey on edge. Why can’t he just leave?

“Oh yeah? You can help by getting out of my face.”

“Dude, what’s up with you today? You’re acting like a brat.”

“Nyeah nyeah nyeah.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BENRY!”

The sudden outbursts makes Benrey jump, hand reflexively closing over the healed wound on his arm. His heart beats wildly in his chest and he can’t keep a couple of white bubbles from escaping his mouth. Following their trajectory through the air his eyes finally land on Gordon's face. The look on it makes his heart twist. It’s frustration but mixed with so much guilt that Benrey suddenly feels like throwing up. 

The memory of the knife incident lingers in silence between them for a moment before Gordon speaks up again.

“I’m sorry I raised my voice. That wasn’t cool.” He pauses, rubbing his neck in that guilty gesture he always does when trying to figure out what to say next. “You wanna tell me what’s gotten you in such a bad mood?”

Benrey really doesn’t, but he also doesn't want to fight any more. Not like this, it sucks big time. 

“Didn’t sleep well, head hurts.” Should be safe enough. 

“Bad dreams?”

Fuck Feetman hand his clever brain!

He gives a vague grunting noise in response, neither confirming or denying and returns his focus to the Switch.

“I can give you something for the headache if your sweet voice doesn’t work.” 

He hasn’t even tried using the heal beam, too much noise going on in his brain right now to get into healing mode. He nods and Gordon leaves for a minute before coming back with a couple of white pills and a glass of water. Benrey eyes them suspiciously, the last time he had to take pills was back as a research subject in Black Mesa and the memory leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Gordon seems to notice his hesitation.

“It’s just aspirin, over the counter stuff. I use them all the time.”

He almost makes a joke about Gordon Drugman but bites his tongue, not the time nor the place. Instead he takes the pills and downs them with the glass of water. 

“What did you do when you couldn't sleep?” Gordon's voice is soft, as if he’s trying to compensate for the shouting earlier. 

“Stayed up and played Heavenly Sword.”

“The whole night?”

“Went to bed when I heard you come up.” He’s talking too much. Gordon doesn’t need to know all these things. Mega criiiiiinge.

There is a slight pause before Gordon talks again. 

“Wake me up next time.”

“Wah?” 

“It sucks being alone after a nightmare. I don’t have a schedule to keep so waking up in the middle of the night isn’t a big deal. If you don’t feel like being alone just wake me up, we’ll play Mario Kart or something until you feel like going back to sleep.” 

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why would you do that?” It doesn’t make sense, they’re not even friends according to Gordon, why go so far?

“Listen, we’re both kinda fucked up right now. And for better or for worse we’re stuck together until we can get a hold of Tommy. We’ve already helped each other with panic attacks. The least I can offer is a bit of company. And maybe next time I’m having a nightmare I’ll wake you up. Who knows, might even beat you at Tekken if you’re half asleep.”

Fuck, Gordon is really serious about this, looking down at Benrey with such an honest look on his face. Benrey would like to sing some yellow right about now to reassure Gordon that they’re ok. But he doesn’t trust himself not to accidentally slip some grey in there and instead falls back on some good natured teasing. 

“I can beat you in Tekken even if I’m asleep. S’ not hard.”

He gets an eye roll in return but a smile is playing at the corner of Gordon's lips.

“I mean I could just get you drunk. That’ll probably knock you out.” The tone is teasing, seems like they’re in the green right now.

“Drunk?”

“Yeah, you know, drinking booze.”

“Never gotten drunk before.”

“You...you’ve never gotten drunk?” Benrey does _not_ care for the pitying tone in Gordon's voice.

“Wow Feetman, it’s almost like I’ve been raised in a laboratory or something.”

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to make it sound like that. I’m just surprised that’s all.”

Benrey just hums in response. Not sure on how to continue this line of conversation.

“Would you like to?”

“To what?”

“Get drunk?”

“...” He’ll never admit it to Feetman but the thought intrigues him. “Yeah sure, beats hanging around doing nothing.”

Gordon glances at his clock. 

“Ok, If I whip up a quick dinner now I should be able to get to the liquor store before it closes. Can you do the dishes while I’m away?”

Benrey nods and can’t help but to feel a little bit excited. He’s not even sure he can get drunk but the chance to see Feetman stumbling around acting all stupid. Yeah, that’s something he really wanna see. 

\---

The content of the bags clink as Gordon puts them on the kitchen table. It was a while since he’d bought this much alcohol in one go. Thinking back he can barely remember the last time he’d gotten seriously drunk. Probably sometime soon after his divorce, there had been some bad nights back then. 

He might have gotten black out drunk after he’d gotten home from Black Mesa if it weren’t for...huh. 

Gordon hasn't thought about it, but Benrey's presence has forced him into some kind of daily routine. Benrey has to eat so Gordon actually cooks and doesn’t rely on takeout. He goes to bed because he needs some time alone but he can’t sleep away the whole day and leave the alien to his own devices. Would he do all those things if Benrey weren’t here? Remembering the days after the divorce and the mess he’d been back then he guesses no.

His thoughts are interrupted by the scrambling of claws against the linoleum followed by heavier footsteps as N00b and Benrey skid into the kitchen. Gordon manages to grab the shorter man by the neck of his shirt just before he careens into the fridge in his mad dash after the cat. 

“Benrey…”

“Sup.”

“I know it’s been a while but do you remember rule one?”

“...No.” At least Benrey has the sense to look guilty about it. 

“Don’t break my stuff.”

“Wasn’t breaking anything, just playing with N00b!” He crosses his arms, jaw jutting out slightly. Is he pouting?

“And you almost body checked my fridge.”

Bereys eyes slip off him to the bags on the kitchen table. 

“You stole something?”

Ah so we are in _‘avoiding town’_ today, great. No use nagging Benrey anymore or that would be the rest of the evening. They just made up from the last fight. Gordon doesn’t have time for more fighting. 

Gordon has plans.

“So you said you’ve never had alcohol right? Well that is about to change.” He does a little flourish with his arm as he pulls up a bottle of bourbon from the bag.

“I’ve had booze before!”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah!”

“What kind?”

“Beer.”

“How many.”

“One.”

“One beer?”

“...One sip.”

Gordon tries and fails to hold back a laugh. 

“One sip of beer does not count as drinking. Now this…” He holds up the bottle “...is some really good shit. I usually can’t afford this price range but gotta use the hush money on something am I right?”

Benrey doesn't look impressed.

“Looks like someone pissed in a bottle and slapped a fancy sticker on it.”

Gordon squints at him.

“We gotta get you to drink more fluids man. Starting with this.” 

He picks out a couple of whisky glasses from the cabinet and hesitates for a second before running them under the faucet. It really has been a while since he’d drunk something if his glasses had gotten this dusty. On the way back to the table he grabs some ice from the freezer. Gordon might like his whisky neat but that might be too much for a beginner. As he pours it he can’t help but admire the colour and the smell. He really should indulge in the fancier stuff more now that he got the cash for it. 

Benrey accepts the glass from his hands and sniffs at it, snorting and wrinkling his nose at the smell. 

“I think you bought a bad batch man.”

“No, it’s supposed to smell like this.”

“Like someone lit gasoline on fire?”

“It’s smoky! Now stop complaining and at least try it.” Gordon raises his glass in a silent toast which Benrey cautiously mimics before taking a sip. He barely has the time to enjoy the burning feeling of it slipping down his throat before Benrey's starts coughing and gagging.

“Fuuuuck this is the hot sauce all over again.” Benrey wheezes as tears stream down his face.

“Ok it might have been a bit over achieving starting you out with whiskey. That’s on me. Give me another try?”

“What’s up with you humans and enjoying eating and drinking things that burn?”

At least he didn’t say no.

“It’s the same as with the hot sauce, a bit of a learning curve. I didn’t really enjoy whiskey when I started drinking either.” 

If Benrey was going to enjoy drinking he has to have a nice first time drinking experience Gordon muses. Luckily he’s prepared. Diving back into the bags he pulls out a bottle of rum and a coca cola. 

“We get to have soda in the house now?”

“This is a special occasion, don’t get used to it.” He starts out with a three to one ratio with coca cola and rum and tastes it before handing it over to Benrey.

Benrey accepts it and just stares at it. Something distant in his eyes. 

“Hey don’t give up, this one is going to be much better I promise.”

He is only met by silence so he nudges Benrey a bit. 

“Earth to Benrey, are you gonna try that or not?”

“Wuh?” Benrey jumps at the touch, almost spilling his drink. “Uuuhh yeah, sure, I’ll give your stupid hot sauce water another try.” He takes a small sip and then another and then Gordon has to stop him from gulping down the whole thing. “Hey this shit’s actually good.”

“Woah there cowboy, if you drink it like that you’re going to get smashed before the sun is even down.” 

The look on Benrey's face is one of defiance and Gordon knows he made a mistake trying to lecture him. 

“Hah! It’s cute you think I can get drunk.”

“Oh, bold words from someone who didn’t have to eat or sleep either.”

“Wanna bet? The smugness in Benrey's voice awakens Gordon's competitive side.

A drinking game huh. Benrey thinks he’s tough shit? Well Gordon’s going to show him a thing or two. He is very confident he can drink Benrey under the table. There were some wild parties at MIT that Gordon has very fond, if slightly fuzzy, memories off. He knows he’s no lightweight.

“Sure let’s bet. Winner has to....” he blanks for a second “...do the dishes for a week.”

“Weak sauce Feetman, are you that scared to lose?” He’s grinning now, all posture and swagger.

Oh Benrey wants to play hard ball, is that it?

“Ok, loser has to tell the other one a secret they’ve never told anyone before!”

The grin falters slightly, uncertainty flickering over Benrey's face before it returns to its usual non expression.

“You’re _on_ Feetman.”

“Ever played drunken Smash before?”

Something wicked gleams in Benrey's eyes. 

“Bold of you to involve video games in this. You must really wanna tell me that secret of yours dude.”

Gordon just grins back.

“You keep telling yourself that Benrey when I’ve drunk you under the table.”

The coffee table in the living room gets stacked with a couple more bottles of liquor, two bowls of chips (Gordon is a munchy drunk, he knows what he’s about) and two bottles of water. The goal might be to get drunk but not to the point of unpleasantness. 

“Rules are simple…” He explains as he pours himself another whisky. “...lose a life and you’ll take a sip, lose the match and you’ll have to finish your whole drink. The one who can’t drink any more loses the game.” 

Benrey stares suspiciously at Gordon's half filled whisky glass.

“Why do you have less in your glass than me?”

“Because I don’t have to dilute my booze with coke like someone I know.”

That one earns him a ‘nyeh nyeh nyeh’ before Benrey takes a demonstrative gulp from his glass. 

The game starts out like most of their Smash tournaments do, Benrey winning the majority and Gordon snatching up a couple of victories here and there. The change starts to come by the time Benrey is halfway done with his seconds glass. Gordon has been careful with his sips, not taking more than a mouthful with every loss and has a pleasant buzz going on. Benrey on the other hand seems to take the losing part as an extra challenge, taking deep gulps from his glass while staring defyingly at Gordon. He finishes his first glass after only three losses and by five his taunting has taken an...interesting turn.

“See! I can beat you like a pog champ any day, lil’...lil’ scientist boy...gonna lose to big bad Benny.”

A glance down at his competitor confirms Gordon's suspicion, Benrey is well on his way to get drunk. The eyes are slightly unfocused and his face is flushed. His playing is slipping too, missing combos and blocking too late. It allows Gordon to snag another victory and forces Benrey to empty his glass. 

“Drink some water.”

“Water’s for losers.”

“Water makes sure that you don’t puke on the carpet, also eat some chips.”

“Dun wanna.”

Gordon sighs and sets down his controller.

“I’m not playing another match until you do.”

“What, you a chicken hat or something?”

“Benrey…” Gordon is a bit proud he can still manage the dad voice while slightly buzzed. 

“Fine!” Benrey grabs a couple of fistfulls of chips and downs half the water bottle. His cheeks are still puffed out with water when he turns to Gordon and makes a ‘this good enough?’ gesture.

“Good boy.” It’s a bit mean to tease like that when he’s already won the argument but it’s just too fun watching Benrey choke on his mouthful of water to resist it. 

The battle turns in Gordon's favour after this, he does take bigger swings at every loss just to keep things interesting but they keep getting further and further apart. By the time they are matched evenly at their sixth glass Benrey is swaying a bit where he sits and Gordon has reached his gliggly phase. 

“It...it’s like this Gordo…” There is a slight slur to Benrey's speech and Gordon has to clench his mouth shut not to burst out laughing. “...you tap it fffour times...and THEN…” Benrey's character promptly flings itself off the platform resulting in a win for Gordon.

That does it and Gordon explodes, body doubled over and a hand slapping on the table before him. Besides him he hears Benrey join in, voice a bit wobbly as he tries to speak through his own laughter. 

“O-ok Failman..lemme see you do it then.”

“What..” Gordon pauses to wipe the tears from his eyes “...what were you even trying to do?!”

“Konami Code.”

“This is Playstation!”

“It’s Nintendo you absolute banana!”

That just sets them off again, leaning into each other and laughing until Gordon's stomach starts to hurt. When he can finally open his eyes again he finds Benrey with his head thrown back on the back rest of the sofa, face scrunched up and still giggling. The stream of sweet voice bubbling from him is not the small suns that usually come with Benrey's laughter. The yellow in every orb is muddled with several other colours, like a rainbow mixed into a paint bucket. They don't hold their usual spherical shape either, instead wobbling and dripping colours as they float off into the air. Gordon would worry if not for the soft expression on Benrey's face, the usual blankness washed away in a mix of rum and coke. Is this how Beney looks when he doesn’t try to act all cool and aloof? It suits him. 

This is fun, Gordon is having fun. How long since he had relaxed like this, gotten drunk, done something silly and stupid? It feels like forever, before Joshua was born at least. Is it weird that he’s enjoying himself this much with _Benrey_ of all people? Maybe. But on the other hand he had promised Tommy to try and get along. This _is_ getting along isn’t it? Yeah, this is what friends do. Hanging out, just vibing and playing video games. No weird drama, no hidden away anger of guilt. 

They’re...friends? 

He really shouldn’t try to think this hard when drunk, it’s going to give him a headache. 

Looking over to Benrey, the alien has found his way back into the chips bowl, having some kind of small fight with N00b about its content.

“No! Bad kitty...no chips for you.”

N00b seems to have the same opinions about following orders as her owner. In the end Benrey just lifts her off the table, holding her over his head and giggling at the kitten's attempts to swipe after the sweet voice.

“Hey Benrey.”

“Hmn?”

“Thank you...for doing this with me.”

Placing N00b in his lap Benrey looks over at him, a lazy grin playing over his face.

“No problem man, drinking is kinda pog.” As if to prove a point he takes his half full glass and starts to chug it.

“It is pog, especially if you do it with a friend.” There, Gordon said it. It’s out and he can’t take it back. They’re friends dammit! No use denying it anymore. 

Benrey makes a choking noise into the glass before he slams it back down, head whipping around to look at Gordon, eyes wide and a bit wild.

“Friends...for real? Friend for Benrey? Bestest gamer pals?” The smile on his face lights up his whole face, a radiance that is almost hard to look at. 

“Yeah, sure. Best gamer pals.” Gordon chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, suddenly feeling a bit awkward in front of Benrey's enthusiasm. 

Benrey opens his mouth as if to say something, only to close it again with an audible click of teeth before shooting up from the couch. 

“Need to take a leak.” 

He tries to shuffle past Gordon but barely past him before he starts swaying violently and trips backwards over his own feet. Gordon just has the time to grab a hold of his t-shirt and drag him on to the sofa, narrowly saving him from crashing into the coffee table. The rescue mission is a mixed success unfortunately and Gordon winces at the sound of Benrey's elbow hitting the corner of the table. The end result of the ordeal is Benrey lying on his back, body halfway in Gordon's lap while gripping his elbow and spewing more of the same muddled and dripping bubbles coupled with a string of curses. 

“Woah, you ok there?”

Another burst of almost incomprehensible swears sends Gordon into a fit of giggles and he carefully coaxes Benrey's arm into his own hands.

“Here, lemme take a look.” 

He grips the elbow, letting his finger travel over oddly cool skin. Benrey, who up until now has writhed back and forth, stills completely. It’s not until Gordon pokes at one spot in particular that he starts to move again, pulling the arm out of Gordon's grip with a pained hiss. 

“It’s just the funny bone, hurts like a motherfucker but it isn’t dangerous. It’ll pass.”

“Why would you call it the funny bone?! S’ not funny at all.”

“Dunno, maybe it’s fun to watch peoples reaction when they hit it.”

“Mean.”

The weight on Gordon's knee becomes heavier as Benrey relaxes. His eyes are closed and he wriggles down a bit so that his head rests against one of Gordon's thighs. Gordon is suddenly very aware that his lap is full of a drunk alien.

“M’ dizzy.” The words are lazy, lips barely moving as they form them. 

“That tends to happen when you drink sitting down and then stand up. Sorry, I should have warned you.” 

He awaits a response from Benrey, maybe a teasing rebuttal or new nickname, but nothing comes. Benrey lies still in his lap, eyes still closed and breath evening out. He has to stop himself from brushing a lock of hair from the other man’s face, the gesture too intimate for the situation they’re currently in. 

“You win…” the words are quiet, almost a breath.

“What was that?” 

“GG, you win. I dun wanna drink anymore.” Benrey does a vague gesture in the air while talking, all the while refusing to open his eyes. 

“You did manage to keep up for a good while, especially considering it’s your first time.”

He only gets a grumble in response, Benrey's is resting his hand on N00b who has found her way back to his lap after the earlier commotion and Gordon is struck with the realization that he doesn’t know how to untangle himself from the situation. Both Benrey and N00b now form a very sleepy barrier between him and the prospect of sleeping in his bed tonight. 

“You...wanna get up and go to bed proper?”

Still no answer, only the sounds of Benrey's deep breaths and N00bs purring. It was worth a try, guess he lives on this couch now. Gordon settles in and tries to get as comfortable as he can. Maybe Benrey will wake up in an hour or so to use the toilet, he can escape then. 

He’s just about to close his eyes and try to get some sleep when a single sweet voice bubble escapes from Benrey's parted lips. It’s the same weirdly dripping shape as before and the colours are a swirling mess. 

He doesn’t know what compels him to reach out and touch it but before he’s even aware of what he’s doing his hand closes around it. The bubble disintegrates at the touch, colours staining his fingers. 

Usually when interacting with sweet voice they have a single feeling to convey, blue calms down, teal heals and so on. This one is different. 

The first feeling that overcomes him is dizziness, which isn’t surprising considering how drunk Benrey is right now. After that there is a flicker of emotions so brief that Gordon barely has time to register them. Humor, happiness, confusion, embarrassment, sadness. They all mix and blend together in the same chaos as the colours of the bubble that contained them. 

There is one emotion though, that lies beneath them all, deep and vast like an ocean. 

Love.

It washes over Gordon and he has to pull in a breath not to drown in it. Tears form in his eyes as he tries to find himself in the maelstrom of feelings that threatens to wash him away. 

Then it’s gone, everything disappearing as sudden as they’ve come, leaving Gordon shaken and confused, staring down on the sleeping form in his lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grey like the wings of a dove means I'm in love.
> 
> No use hiding that meaning anymore huh. How will they get out of this one? 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this very self indigent chapter with two idiots getting drunk and having feelings. It might be a chapter or two more of...feelings...before I get back to some kind of plot, these idiots need all the time they can get. Thank you for all the support, love and comments.
> 
> Edit: I forgot to post a link to the fan art I got from last chapter! Look at N00b an Benreys little FACE! https://artlesscomedic.tumblr.com/post/636027260177088512/todaytomorrowgiraff-look-bud-i-know-youre-very


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for the end of the move "Iron giant"
> 
> Actually, if you haven't watched that movie yet do that right now and then come back and read this chapter. That's right, you're getting homework now!

It’s not as bad as respawning but it’s a close contender. Benrey doesn’t feel his skin growing back over his body or organs forming within him, but at least that hadn’t hurt. Whatever this is, it does. He tries to pry his eyes open only to close them quickly again. Too bright, eyes hurt, head hurt, stomach... Oh fuck. 

Benrey rolls out of the sofa, sending N00b running with a disgruntled ‘meep’, and stumbles towards the bathroom. He leaves something soft and warm behind on the sofa but doesn’t have the time or energy to figure out what it is. Well inside he barely manages to get to the toilet before his stomach upheaves itself. 

What the fuck is wrong with him? Why does everything feel so bad. He hulks and buries his head deeper into the toilet bowl, faintly wondering if this is what dying feels like. 

“You ok Benrey?” Gordon’s voice is coming somewhere from the direction of the door. 

Fuck, he forgot to close the door didn’t he. Why is Gordon even asking stupid shit like that? Can’t he see that Benrey is busy dying over here?

“Bluugh…” That’s almost a word, it will have to do for now. 

“Ok, so a tiny bit hungover then.”

“Wuh?” Benrey lifts his head and tries to focus his bleary eyes on Gordon.

“It’s like this man, alcohol is actually poisonous for humans, kinda. Our livers have to work hard to filter out all the bad stuff and if we drink too much we usually feel really bad the day after.”

Benrey grabs the damp towel Gordon is holding out to him, wiping his face with it and groaning into the fabric.

“Why are you so peachy then Feetman? You played a prank on me or sumthin’?”

Finally managing to focus his eyes Benrey finds that Gordon isn’t actually looking as fresh as he sounds. There are dark circles under his eyes and his hair is still in yesterday's ponytail, strands slipping free and standing in every direction. 

“Well for one…” Gordon holds out a hand for Benrey who reluctantly grabs it and lets himself get pulled to his feet. “...I have more experience drinking than you, it gets easier to handle after a while. And second, I’m probably gonna puke at least once before this day is over.”

“Weird flex but ok.”

“What I’m trying to say is, it feels like hell but you’ll survive.”

“I know that bro, not like I thought I was dying or something.” Benrey says, like a liar. 

“You know what’s the best cure for a hangover?”

“If you say more booze imma puke in your favourite sneakers.” Benrey is only half joking.

“I was gonna suggest pizza and drinking lots of water but if that’s not your thing then…”

“I want a meat lover-”

“With stuffed crust I know.” 

“Pretty gay of you to memorize my take out order.”

Gordon freezes, hand stopping mid air where it was reaching for his phone. Benrey doesn’t recognize this look on his face, it’s closed off and distant and for a second he thinks he triggered one of those conversational landmines again. But it only lasts for a moment before it passes. Gordon un-freezes and picks up the phone to place their order. The taunt is left unanswered. 

While Gordon is busy on the phone Benrey slumps back on the couch, wincing as the sudden movement jostles his already aching head. He tries to think back on the night before but it’s just a muddled mess, he can only pick out bits and pieces. There was something about a bet and a banana? No that doesn’t sound right. 

Instead of memories of their drinking he suddenly remembers his nightmare about Tommy and the worry is a sudden knife twist in his gut. Fuck, what if Tommy actually is in trouble? Had G-man done something as revenge for Benrey being alive? And Benrey is just here, all useless and without powers and nothing to do with all these stupid feelings and-

“Woah Benrey, you ok bud?”

Benrey blinks and looks up at the couple of glowing red bubbles floating in front of him.

“M’ fine. Brain’s just a bit stupid.”

A glass of water and a pair of painkillers is placed in front of him and he accepts them greedily. 

Gordon sits down beside him on the couch, leg bouncing restlessly in place. Benrey has his focus on his phone but Gordon's constant movement keeps drawing his attention. It’s not his typical fidgeting which usually is solved with one of Gordon's clicking toys. He seems flustered in his movement and Benrey almost starts to worry that he fucked up in some unknown way when Gordon finally speaks up.

“Can I ask you something?”

“What up?”

“I...how do you feel...what I mean to say is- how do you feel about…” Wow Feetman sure is twitchy today. He keeps rubbing his neck and shuffling in place.. “Do you wanna watch a movie?” Gordon sounds almost defeated and Benrey wonders idly if there was something else Gordon wanted to ask. 

Up until now Gordon has stared out the window while talking but all of a sudden he looks up and their eyes lock. It’s only for a second before Gordon turns away but for some reason it feels longer than that. Maybe Gordon is just more hungover than he wants to admit. Trying to act like tough shit in front of Benrey. Lame. 

“Sounds cool, whatcha have in mind?” 

“Uhhh…” Gordon thinks for a second before lighting up. “You like robots right?”

“Big metal dudes fighting, what’s there not to like?”

“Ever seen Iron giant?”

Benrey has not and that sends Gordon on a rant, something about animation, studios and Disney monopoly. He tunes it out in favour of picking around in yesterday's fragmented memories. There is something important he’d forgotten and it’s almost within his grasp when Gordon bumps his side and it slips away from him again. 

“Pizzas here, can you grab it while I load up the movie?”

The movie is kinda boring at first, this weird little kid running around being mopey and kind of a little shit. It only gets marginally better when the titular Iron giant turns up. For a robot he’s kinda lame, just acting like a big baby in general. He likes when the robot wants to be Superman though. 

“Same.”

“What?” Gordon pauses the movie to look at him.

“I’m Superman, remember?”

Gordon squints at him for a second before barking out a laugh.

“You mean the thing Tommy said when he tried explaining your powers?”

“He said I was like Superman.”

“Yeah in regards that you both have powers that need to be powered by things, the similarities end there.”

Right...the powers that Benrey no longer has. He tries to ignore the clump in his throat and focuses on the movie instead.

It’s fun seeing the little kid mess with that supid FBI agent and he can’t help a cackle at the scene where they put laxative in his milkshake. But then comes a part where the kid and the robot meet a deer who then dies. The little kid is trying to explain death to the robot. That twists something inside Benrey. There was a time when he didn’t understand death either. Tommy had explained it for him in the very much the same gentle manner as the kid does with the robot. 

Benrey's hands flex a bit in his lap and he busies them by stroking N00b who lies on the couch like a little barrier between him and Gordon. It’s just a stupid kids movie. Why is he getting worked up over this? Keep it together Benny, finish the stupid movie and then you can have a nap in your quiet dark room and not... think about stuff. 

The third act of the movie comes, and the robots think he has killed the little kid and goes on a rampage, shooting and destroying everything in his way. Benrey feels his breath hitch and throat thicken, memories of nightmares he thought he’d forgotten suddenly flooding back. 

_“It’s bad to kill, guns kill and you don’t have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be. You choose!”_

It’s the kid who says the line and it’s like a punch to the gut. Benrey clenches his teeth, trying to ignore the golden rye crawling up his throat. But then the robot chooses to be good, to sacrifice himself to save everyone he cares for. 

The robot _chooses_ to be superman. 

He makes a choice Benrey never did. Because Benrey is a _coward_ who chose to be _bad_ because it was too _hard_ to be good. He never saved his friends, he hurt them instead. And now when he wants to be good he _still_ can’t do anything, he doesn’t have any powers, can’t do anything. Just sit here filled up with useless feelings that hurt and hurt and _hurt_ and-

“Shit, Benrey are you crying?”

Is he? Benrey lifts a hand to his cheek and feels the wetness there. Great, now Gordon will see how ultra cringe he is. A sob wracks through his body. Suddenly it’s impossible to hold back anymore, what’s even the reason? It’s not like Gordon can think any less of him. 

The tears keep falling, impossible to stop now as Benrey lets out weeks of worry and pent up feelings in pained whimpers and sobs. He cries over lost friends and a life spent in the cage that was Black Mesa, wails over feelings never to be reciprocated, over betrayal and weakness and all the things that hurt inside. 

He only pauses when he feels arms envelope him as Gordon pulls him into a hug. Benrey tries to struggle a bit at first, too risky being this close to the one that he…

The thought sends a new wave of tears and he lets himself slump back against Gordon's chest. There is no room for grey now anyway, too much golden rye spilling out already. 

He doesn’t know how long he cries, but eventually he’s emptied out. A hollow shell where before there were thoughts and feelings. He doesn’t move, just lets his head rest on Gordon's chest where tears snot and sweet voice has left a wet patch. Gordon doesn’t say anything for once, no comforting words or prying questions, just his arms around Benrey, holding tight.

“Why?” Benrey’s voice feels sore and the headache is back. Everything is major suck right now.

“Why what?” 

“Why do you even care!?” A sudden surge of anger makes Benrey push himself out of the hug. He doesn’t need Feetmans pity, doesn’t need-

Benrey stares at Gordon's red eyes and tear streaked cheeks. Why is _he_ crying?

“We’re friends Benrey, of course I care about you.” Gordon's voice is choked and hitches at the end.

“Friends?”

“Yeah, I told you yesterday, remember?”

Yesterday? 

And then the memories start flooding back like a dam bursting in his brain. The wager, playing drunken Smash, Gordon admitting they’re friends.

_Friends._

It’s like someone lights a sun inside Benrey, yellow flowing through his body and mind and out of his mouth. 

They’re friends, Gordon cares because he’s Benrey's _friend_. 

He doesn’t even know why tears start falling again. Why is he crying now? This is the happiest he’s been since...a very long time. 

Gordon chuckles a bit and wipes his own eyes. 

“Did I really get you so drunk that you forgot about it?”

“I dunno! Yes? Fuck!”

“You gonna tell me you forgot who won the bet as well?” 

Oh...oh no. Had he actually fallen asleep in Gordon’s lap yesterday?! He hiccups and a couple of dark blue to green bubbles spill out. Yep he is mortified alright. 

“Yeah no memory of that, totally blank, zip, nada.” 

“Uh huh…” Gordon pushes him in the shoulder lightly and Benrey takes the opportunity to fall dramatically to the other side of the sofa, creating some space between the two of them. 

“Soooo....you wanna talk about what just happened, confine to a friend?”

Feetman is outright cheating right now! He can’t just go around calling them friends like that while asking something from Benrey. What can he even answer to that? 

“M’ worried about Tommy.” He confesses into a pillow. True enough, he is very worried about Tommy. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Me too buddy.”

Benrey turns so that he can look at Gordon and sees the same worry that he feels mirrored in the other man's face. For a second they just stare at each other before Gordon averts his gaze, eyes finding their way back outside the window.

“You’ve known him longer than me, does he usually fall off the grid like this?”

Benrey shrugs and fishes N00b off the floor in an attempt to get some snuggles from her. N00b decides this is a prime opportunity to hunt the strings on his hoodie. 

“I dunno, didn’t really have a way of contacting whenever I wanted until now. Either he was at Black Mesa or he wasn’t.”

“Right…” Benrey hates how worried Gordon looks, this is why he didn’t say anything. The man seems to soak up worry like a sponge, no need for Benrey to add to it.”

“He’s probably fine thought right? You know what ol’ Tommy can do, head shots like an e-sport pro. And G-man might be a giant creepo but he cares about Tommy you know. Wouldn’t let anything happen to him.”

It feels nice rationalizing like this, as if saying it out loud makes it closer to being true. 

“Yeah!” Gordon perks up a bit and a tension Benrey didn’t know he was holding releases from his shoulders. “Yeah of course Tommy is alright, he’s probably going to call back any day now.”

“He’d better, you gotta brag about your new awesome friend.”

“You’re right, I haven't told him about N00b yet.” Gordon looks so proud over his little diss, it would be infuriating if it wasn’t so fucking cute. 

Benrey grabs his chest in mock pain.

“Oof, that hurts dude, 100 points of mental damage right in the friendship.” 

And there’s finally the laughter he’s been craving to hear. It’s not one of the loud ones, Gordon is just wheezing out air but it’s beautiful nonetheless. 

“Are you feeling a bit better now?” 

Benrey takes a second to actually poke around in his head a bit. There is still the trouble with the dove grey threatening to spill at inopportune moments, but maybe that will clear up now that they’re friends.The Tommy thing still worries him quite a bit and probably will be until he hears from him again. But at least Benrey doesn’t feel useless anymore. Yeah, he’s done some stupid shit and his powers are gone but Gordon became his friend anyway. 

“Pog dude, no more tears for this gamer.”

Gordon nods at this.

“See, talking about it helped.”

“Thank you Gordon Psychman.”

Gordon makes a face at that.

“That one just makes it sound like I’m somebody's hype man.”

“I’m not on my a-game today. You’ll have to make do with b-grade insults.”

“Oh so you’re usually spoiling me with the good stuff is that it?”

“Only the best for my best friend.” 

Benrey is indulging, he knows this. Keeps referencing the fact that their friends as if testing out if Gordon will object. But he hasn’t so far. He’ll tone it down a notch, later. Gotta ride this high for at least a bit longer. 

“I...there was a thing I wanted to...about last night.” There is a clear discomfort in Gordon's voice all of a sudden. 

Fuck what had Benrey done last night? Was it falling asleep on Gordon's knee? Yeah that must be it. Ugh stupid drunk Benrey forgetting proper frind protocols. 

“Sorry about using you as a pillow. Was drunk ya know, totally smashed and you were comfy. No hard feelings?” That should be a good enough apology right?

“Yeah...no, it’s- it’s alright. No worries, you’re not the first guy who’s fallen asleep in my lap after a party.”

_Oh?_

No! That’s not something you’re supposed to imagine about your new best friend! Be cool Benny. 

“You know what, it doesn’t matter.” Gordon gets up from the couch stretching his back with a series of pops.”I’m going to have a nap in an actual bed. You should do the same, you look kinda shit.”

“You gotta stop stealing my materials or imma have to make a copyright claim and have you demonetized.”

Gordon barks a short laughter.

“Back at your a-game I see.”

“I try.”

“Aight, see you later.”

Benrey takes a deep breath after Gordon leaves. That went...well? Sure he acted like a total cringe baby and cried to a cartoon but Gordon had been cool about that. 

Sleeping sounds like a good plan right now. Benrey's head is still heavy and his eyes feel like they’re filled with sand. He scoops up the now sleeping N00b, and tucks her into the front pocket of his hoodie. It’s her favourite place to be when getting transported around the house. Hopefully they’ll both have a dreamless sleep. 

\---

Gordon sighs and closes the door behind him. He’s exhausted after barely getting any sleep last night. It’s hard enough as is sleeping on the sofa but it’s almost impossible doing it with a lap full of an alien roommate. He’d spent most of the night trying to figure out what the content of that sweet bubble meant. He knows that it was Benrey's feelings but he doesn't know the context of them. 

Benrey loves something or...someone. But it doesn't necessarily mean it’s directed towards Gordon, right? It could be N00b, or Tommy, or video games! Love doesn’t _have_ to be romantic. Maybe it’s just a general love of being free and outside Black Mesa, that’s... reasonable. 

He tries thinking back on Benrey's actions over the last month. He hasn’t flirted as much with Gordon since they got out of Black Mesa. Although Benrey does seem to enjoy physical contact a lot. He’s also been much nicer and more helpful. But Benrey has also made it very clear that he wants to be Gordon's friend. There are too many conflicting actions to make any real assumptions.

Maybe Gordon could use the fact that Benrey lost the bet and owns him a secret as a way to find out the truth? But there is no guarantee that Benrey will even tell him about his feelings at all, the secret was something the loser gets to choose after all. He is more likely to tell Gordon that he’s bad at some video game. 

Gordon let’s out a big sigh and slumps down on the bed. By habit he takes out his phone and pulls up Tommy's number before remembering- right, no Tommy relationship hotline available at the moment. He scrolls down his contact list and his eyes land on Dr. Coomers number. Thinking about it he is one of the few people Gordon knows who is in an actual relationship right now, with someone who’s grown up in Black Mesa no less. And he knows Benrey from before. Yeah, Coomer might actually have some insight that even Tommy doesn’t have. 

“Hello Gordon!” The scientist’s voice is as chipper and loud as usual and Gordon hastily turns down the volume on his phone to its lowest setting.

“Hi Dr Coomer.”

“Have you gotten a hold of our dear Tommy yet?”

“No, no he is still not answering.”

“Well I’m sure he’ll turn up eventually.” Coomer has said that exact phrase every time they’ve spoken about Tommy. 

Gordon suddenly feels a bit nervous, how does one start to ask for help with figuring out why your alien roommate feels a copious amount of love? 

“I’m actually calling for a bit of...advice.”

“Well I’m glad to help in any way I can. What seems to be the problem?”

“It’s about Benrey.”

“Oh, has security officer Beeper decided to turn the size of a skyscraper again?”

“No, he still doesn’t have his powers.”

“Hello Gordon!”

Gordon sighs, he’s learnt to be patient with Coomers verbal tics by now but that doesn’t make them less frustrating at times. 

“Last night we got drunk and I...accidentally touched a sweet voice bubble when he was sleeping and- he was feeling a lot of things.”

“Such as?”

“...”

Ah fuck why does it feel so embarrasing to talk about this? It’s one thing not being able to ask Benrey about it but this is Dr. Coomer. It shouldn’t be this hard.

“L-love, mostly.” 

“Young love is beautiful. Congratulations Gordon!”

“That’s not...It wasn’t…I don’t know what the feeling was about. Love doesn’t have to be romantic right?”

“Love! Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure. An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse, which differs from the love of food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment. Love is considered to be both positive and negative, with its virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection-”

“Yeah. Uh, thank you Dr. Coomer but I don’t need a wikipedia lecture right now.” 

“What do you need then Gordon?” Coomers tone is suddenly softer, almost fatherly in nature. 

“I dunno...advice, I guess. Should I even get involved in this? I mean I kinda violated Benrey's privacy touching that sweet voice. He didn’t mean to share those feelings with me.”

“Did you try asking him about it.”

Gordon did try, multiple times actually. He also chickened out just as many times. 

“No.” He confesses. 

“Hello Go- You should try doing that!”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Sure it is! That’s what I did with Bubby.”

“Really?”

“Why yes. I asked him if he had feelings for me, he said yes and we’ve been together ever since.”

“So you did it like a month ago?”

“Look Gord- Yes!”

“Well that’s all good and well for you guys but you love Bubby back. I don’t-”

“How do you feel about Benrey, Gordon?”

The question makes Gordon pause. He... actually hadn’t really thought about that. He’s been too busy focusing on what Benrey's feeling might mean that he hasn’t even stopped and considered his own. He at least likes Benrey well enough to consider him a friend. And he’s nice to hang around, talk to and play games with. Nothing wrong with his looks either, he’s kinda handsome in a weird cat-like alien way. He’s a funny guy too, some of the jokes he tells really has Gordon in stitches at times and…

NOPE! Nopenopenope! Not touching that any more. He does not want to delve further into those feelings right now. He puts them in the box with the rest. 

“Well we’re friends now, if that tells you something.”

“Friendship is beautiful.”

“Sure is Dr. Coomer.”

It takes Gordon a second to figure out where to go next in the conversation.

“How is Bubby doing by the way?”

“Oh my dearest Bubby is doing wonderful, he’s thrived since getting out of Black Mesa.” There is a warmth in Coomers' voice when talking about Bubby that makes Gordon's heart ache a bit. It must be nice to be in a relationship like that. “He’s working on a plan to build a space shuttle!” 

Ah, yes that sounds like something Bubby would be up to. 

“That’s good to hear. It’s taken Benrey some time to get settled in the outside world. I’m not really sure I’m the best man to help him with it either.”

“I’m sure you’re doing a great job Gordon. You should take some time to figure out _why_ you want to know the source of Benrey's feelings and-”

There is a loud crash and some muffles swearing on the other side of the line.

“Oh it seems like Bubby has flipped the refrigerator over again. I must go Gordon. Please don’t hesitate to call again.”

Gordon doesn’t even get the time to say goodbye before the line disconnects. Well, that didn’t help much. He still has no idea how to handle this. He can’t see why it would matter why he’s curious about Benrey's feelings. Gordon is a scientist after all, it’s in his nature to question things, obviously!

Maybe he’s approaching this whole situation from the wrong angle? He is a scientist and as a scientist he knows that trying to form a conclusion with such a small amount of information is very unwise. What he needs is more data. 

Gordon should at least be able to collect enough data to discern if Benrey's feeling of love is directed towards him or not. Even if Gordon still can’t read most of the sweet voice Benrey produces (and he suspects Benrey is sneaking off to sing without him seeing them at times) he’s gotten quite adept at reading Benrey's facial expressions. Maybe some light flirting would do the trick?

The thought sends a wave of heat to Gordon's face. Is he actually going to do this? Is he going to _flirt_ with Benrey? It’s for science of course, nothing else. He just needs more data that’s all. It’s not like he likes Benrey or would _enjoy_ flirting with him.

 _‘And then what?’_ A more rational part of his brain asks. What if Benrey _has_ feelings for him? 

The sudden image of a blushing Benrey confessing to him has Gordon bury his face into a pillow. What is he even thinking right now? _Stay_ in the fucking box!

No, he really has to approach this from a scientific standpoint. Gordon's own feelings don't matter right now. He can take a stand on that when he has all the data. Yes, the scientific method will come to his rescue yet again. 

Tomorrow he will start flirting with Benrey, for science!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Golden rye mean I'm going to cry
> 
> Hello, this is a chapter about two idiots who don't talk to each other because they're stupid! Also did you know that if you looked up the word "denial" in the dictionary you'll find a picture of this Gordon Freeman? Stay tune next week for disaster scientist trying to flirt. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. The Iron giant scene is another old one I've had an aide for since the start. I've seen people use Wreck it Ralf and Lilo & Stitch as movies that resonates with Benrey but I always thought of the Iron Giant as the one to make Benrey start to think about his position in life. Mainly because he and the robot are both very similar but chooses opposite actions. One chooses to be good, the other to be bad. 
> 
> Again, thank you for all the wonderful comments and kudos. I just checked and it seems this fic is on the second page of all fernery fics ranked after kudos (and hits holy fuck!) That's fricking insane!!! It's almost a bit har to believe so many people seem to enjoy my writing. I hope you'll stay with me all the way to the end of this fic :)


	12. Chapter 12

How do you flirt with an alien? This is the question Gordon wakes up with the following morning. He allows himself to stay in bed for a bit, mulling it over in his head. He can’t be too

obvious, it wouldn’t do if Benrey thought Gordon  _ actually _ had feelings for him (which he doesn't!). But at the same time he can’t be too discreet, risking Benrey not even noticing. There has to be a sweet spot between the two, a way for Gordon to make Benrey reveal his feelings without Gordon making a fool out of himself. 

_ ‘And then what?!’  _ The voice in the back of his head keeps screaming at him. He promptly shoves the question into the box with the rest of the feelings he doesn't want to deal with right now. No use thinking of the future. The important thing is to gather data and come to a solid conclusion. He can think of all that other stuff later.

There is just one glaring problem with this whole plan: Gordon doesn’t really know how to flirt. Being slightly socially awkward by default it has never come naturally to him. In his previous relationship Gordon was usually on the receiving end of the flirting. How hard could it be though?

Opening his phone, Gordon types in “How to flirt” in google. Apparently he’s not the only one having trouble considering the amount of hits he gets. Scrolling through a couple of sites, mostly for women's magazines, he compiles a list of “methods”.

One, make and keep eye contact. That shouldn’t be too hard? Benrey seems to like prolonged eye contact anyway. Sometimes it feels like those yellow eyes stare into Gordon’s soul though. He’ll just have to remind himself to not look away.

Two, give lots of compliments. He can say nice things about Benrey, right? Sure he dresses like a gamer going to a sleepover and he’s a literal alien with yellow eyes and greyish skin. But his hair is kinda fluffy and nice, and he has surprisingly graceful hands. It’s always kind of fascinating watching Benrey's finger fly over the button of his controller when they play Smash or Tekken. Shaking his head a bit, Gordon decides to stick to complimenting just the hair. It’s simple and will not make Gordon sound like a creep who stares at his roommates hands for extended periods of time. 

Three, smile and laugh at his jokes. Doesn’t he already do that though? Their bickering usually ends with Gordon doubled over with laughter. Benrey can say the weirdest fucking things and it never cease to amuse Gordon to no end. Maybe just smile a bit more then... Yes! He can just go with the excuse that he’s in a good mood if Benrey asked. Plausible deniability acquired. 

Four, engage in lots of casual physical contact. Fuck, Gordon does that a lot too. In the beginning, after that first hug, it was mostly to tease Benrey. It was fun to have that kind of power over his former enemy, making him jump and blubber with only a hand on his shoulder. But over the weeks Benrey seems to have gotten used to it, and so has Gordon. There are a lot of small touches in their day to day life now. A high five after they finish a co-opt level, bumping into each other's shoulder while bickering or just sitting with their sides pressed together while watching a movie. How can Gordon even top the fact that he held Benrey's hand during most of their Aquarium visit, or let him sleep snuggled up in his lap just the other night? They even hugged yesterday for fucks sake! Maybe he could touch Benrey's face a bit? Yeah, that’s still unexplored territory. That surely would elicit some kind of reaction from the alien.

And lastly, five- ask questions, especially about hobbies and interests. Benrey has been on a big Animal Crossing binge lately. Maybe Gordon can ask Benrey for a tour of his island? Yeah that could work. He could probably get some compliments and touching in that way too. 

Going over his mental list Gordon feels a bit more confident in his plan. None of the things are too different from how they usually act around each other. Gordon will just turn it up a notch. Laugh a bit louder at Benrey's jokes, smile wider while keeping eye contact and complementing his hair, touch his face and…

Gordon shakes his head as he feels heat rise to his face. He can do this! He can scientifically flirt with Benrey without getting flustered himself. It’s not like he cares for Benrey as more than a friend. 

Benrey is not up yet when Gordon walks into the kitchen, not surprisingly considering how he was feeling yesterday. He considers waking him up but decides against it, better to let Benrey sleep at least until breakfast is served. Gathering up the ingredients needed for chocolate chip pancakes Gordon gets going and by the time he’s flipped half of them he hears shuffling down the hall.

“Mornin’.” Benrey's voice is a bit hoarse, croaking out the greeting before slumping down at the table.

He looks a bit better than yesterday. There are still dark circles under his eyes but at least Benrey's skin doesn’t have the pale tint of nausea anymore. 

Gordon braces himself, here we go. Time for some flirty science!

“Morning. You...your hair looks nice today.” It’s not a lie. Benrey's hair does look nice, even if it currently stands on end and really could use a brushing. 

Benrey levels Gordon with a squinting glare. Turning around Gordon steels himself to hold the eye contact and musters the biggest smile he can manage in his nervous state. In the end he wins the staring competition as Benrey looks to the side, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Thanks, you look kinda shit.”

Snorting out a laughter that’s only half faked, Gordon puts down a plate of pancakes before his roommate. Of course that’s the reaction he would get from complimenting Benrey. 

“You seem chipper today, still have a headache?”

“Nah, just tired.” 

“Did you stay up playing Animal Crossing half the night again?”

Gordon pauses his cooking and puts down a bowl of cat food for N00b to get her to stop attacking his toes. Seems like she takes after her owner in her fascination for feet. 

“Listen dude, I’m making the perfect gaming paradise for my islanders. Can’t leave my peeps with half finished terraforming.” 

“How’s that going man? Wanna show your progress after breakfast?”

Benrey looks up from his plate, all wide eyes and smiles. That reaction sure is an indication of...something. So far none of Gordon's flirting attempts has yielded any conclusive evidence of Benrey's feelings towards him. Obviously further tests are needed. 

Noticing a speck of chocolate on Benrey's cheek Gordon tries to calm his nerves as he reaches over the table to brush it away with his thumb. He doesn’t get the chance though as Benrey jolts away from his approaching hand, snatching up his plate of pancakes and holding it out of Gordon's reach.

“Yo dude, get your own food. Gordon Stealman over here trying to rob me of my pancakes.”

Gordon retreats his hand, stammering out his defence. 

“I-I wasn’t...I was just trying to- you got a bit of chocolate, right there.” 

He tries to hide his flustered face behind his coffee cup but almost chokes on it as Benrey's long tongue finds its way to the speck of chocolate. He keeps forgetting Benrey has that and every time Gordon is reminded he feels….things.

Things are not going Gordon's way right now. So far Benrey hasn't really reacted to any of his strategies and on the other hand Gordon has ended up very flustered himself. That was  _ not _ part of the plan. Why is this so hard? He halts all further flirting attempts until breakfast is finished and cleaned away. 

They settle on the couch afterwards, Gordon suddenly very aware of how close their bodies are as Benrey leans in to show him the little hand held Switch screen. 

“I wanted a space inspired entrance ya know, but I’ve only gotten like, three recipes from Celeste so it’s not done yet.”

Benrey babbles on and Gordon tries to focus on what he says so that he can ask more questions about it. But it’s hard when in his head he’s debating if it will be too much to try the old ‘stretching and putting an arm over the shoulder’ move. In the end he chickens out and settles on trying to bump into Benrey's hand as much as he can while pointing at the screen. This seems to have at least some effect. By the third time Gordon's pinke brushes against the side of Benrey's hand he can feel a small shudder go through the body beside him.

“Why do you have a hole filled with garden gnomes?”

“It’s uuhhh...prison. Mean islanders get put in the gnome hole.”

Gordon doesn’t have to fake his laughter at this but he makes sure to lean a bit extra on Benrey as he tries to catch his breath. 

“That’s terrifying Benrey! What else you got going on?” He’s actually gotten quite curious by now. 

By the end of the island tour Gordon still doesn’t have any conclusive evidence on how Benrey feels. At one point Benrey swallowed what was obviously some sweet voice but that only told Gordon that he felt something and didn’t want to let it show. It seems like further experimentation will have to be done.

\---

Benrey lies in bed and stares angrily at the phone in his hand. It’s been almost three weeks since he’d last spoken to Tommy and right now he’s in desperate need of advice. 

There was something weird going on with Feetman. The last week he’s been acting...off, doing all weird kinds of stuff around Benrey. Like all the eye contact for example, what was up with that? Gordon seemed to have some weird thing now where he just stared at Benrey, refusing to look away. Benrey would see it as some kind of challenge if it weren’t for the big smile that’s always plastered on Gordon's face. Every time Benrey says something about it Gordon always acts like he doesn’t know what Benrey is talking about. It’s so frustrating! 

He’s been saying a lot of weird stuff too, suddenly very curious about everything Benrey does. Asking about videogames all the time, even about games Benrey knows Gordon doesn’t give a shit about. And he keeps saying nice things about Benrey's hair all the time, even when it’s hidden under the chullo.

Is this a friend thing? Tommy never did these sorts of things, neither did Josh or Jeffrem. Benrey thought he knew how friendships were supposed to work but clearly there are still things he needs to learn. 

This is why he needs help! Tommy would know what was up, Tommy always has good advice to give. But Tommy isn’t here right now. Benrey swallows the lump in his throat as worry gnaws in his chest. 

He doesn’t have time for this right now. 

Scrolling down his contact list his finger stops over Bubbys number. It’s a bad idea to call him right? Sure they got along ok back in Black Mesa but that was before the whole...boss fight thing. But Bubby does have experience living with a Dr. Coomer who is at least as weird as Gordon if not more. He might have some advice on Benrey's situation after all. Worse case scenario: he yells some and then hangs up and Benrey will have to continue figuring this out by himself. 

Bubby picked up after one ring, irritation clear in his voice. 

“What do  _ you _ want?”

“Yo Bubby, what up?”

“I don’t have time for platitudes Benrey, get to the point and do it quickly.”

“Wah? I don’t have any platypuses?” Why is Bubby always so confusing to talk with, use normal words dammit.

“I’m hanging up.”

“No no no wait! I- I need your help.”

“With what?” 

“It’s Feetman, he’s been acting super weird.”

“And what the fuck do you expect me to do about it?”

“I dunno dude, you know how it is to live with a weird scientist and stuff. Help a bro out won’t you?”

“First of all, we’re not ‘bros’, I barely tolerate you as an acquaintance at this point. Secondly, Harold is not weird! He’s eccentric at worst and a genius at best.”

“Gay.” 

“Goodbye Benrey.”

Oh no he fucked up again. Shit, what are you suppose to do when you said something stupid? Right, apologize!

“Ah fuck...sorry, trying to stop doing that.”

“Hmm, fine but you’re on thin fucking ice. Third strike and I’m hanging up.”

“Listen, I’m still new to all this human stuff. It’s weird being outside of Black Mesa ya know.”

There is a short silence on the other end before Bubby speaks up again.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Ok but like, you’re all smart and shit. You probably figured out how everything works right away.”

“However much I hate admitting it, there is still a...learning curve.”

“Wuh?” 

Benrey is surprised to hear this. Both because Bubby never used to admit any kind of weakness, being the perfect scientist and all, but also because Benrey genuinely thought Bubby would have stuff figured out by now. 

“You don’t come out from a life within Black Mesa and know how the outside works right away Benrey.” Bubbys voice is a bit softer and Benrey suspects he’s not only talking about himself.

“Right, so...you think you can help me out? Please and thank you.”

“Fine! What the fuck is wrong with Gordon?”

Benrey smacks his lips while thinking of how to explain it.

“He keeps staring at me.”

“He what?”

“Stares, and smiles a lot. He didn’t do that before. It’s weird.”

“Is that all? Staring and smiling?”

“He tells me my hair looks nice. You think he’s trying to steal it?”

There is a short snicker at the other side of the phone and Benrey suddenly gets the feeling he’s being laughed at. 

“Does he by any chance hug you a lot too?”

“I mean, not more than usual. He keeps touching my hands though.”

The snicker is turned into an outright cackle and now Benrey  _ knows _ Bubby is laughing at him.

“Yo, why, why you laughing bro? It’s like...super rude.”

Bubby doesn’t seem to care about Benrey's chiding, instead Benrey can hear a hand slapping against some kind of surface in glee. 

“I don’t give a fuck if it’s rude this is fucking hilarious!”

Benrey stays silent, opting to wait until Bubby finishes his laughing fit. 

“Hey Benrey, how long have you stayed at Gordon’s now again?”

“Uuhhhh...a bit over a month I think, why? Do people start acting weird when you live with them for a month or something?”

“Nah, it just means I’m about to win a bet. Gordon is obviously flirting with you, you idiot.”

“Wuh…” Benrey tries to say more but is interrupted by the flood of grey sweet voice spilling out of his mouth. 

“Seems like all your pining finally paid off, congratulations!”

“I didn’t...I wasn’t trying to...we’re just friends.” Benrey finally manages to get out between the bubbles. 

“Yeah sure, just like how me and Harlod were ‘just friends’ for almost 50 years. Listen to me kid, be happy it only took you two numbnuts a month to figure it out. Harold had his money on at least three.” 

“What...what do I do?” Benrey feels dizzy, like his whole world has been turned upside down. 

“I don’t know, kiss him or something. Like I give a fuck. I only care about being right. Can I hang up now? I have some gloating to do.”

“Yeah..I...thanks Bubby.”

“Don’t fuck this up.”

With that, the line goes dead. 

Benrey lays still and stares at the ceiling and the dancing grey lights above him. Gordon is flirting with him, Gordon is…

He doesn’t bother to try and smother the mix of yellow and grey and instead sings his feelings out as loud as he can. 

\---

Gordon pulls out his hair tie to drag his hands through his hair, staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Things are not going as planned. He must be flirting wrong because he can not seem to get a reaction out of Benrey even though he’s been at it for a week now. Sure, Benrey has swallowed some sweet voice a couple of times but there hasn't been any patterns to it. And Gordon doesn’t even know what the sweet voice would have meant even if he saw it. 

It’s not like he necessarily  _ wants _ his flirting to work or anything. He just put so much work into this and it will feel disappointing if it amounts to nothing. 

Maybe he’s been too subtle, it’s Benrey he’s trying to flirt with after all. The alien understands subtlety as well as a fish understands how to ride a bike. No wonder he hasn’t noticed anything. So the solution is to flirt harder? Gordon is  _ not _ sure he’ll be able to do that. Should he just try and touch Benrey's face again? After the first failed attempt Gordon had felt too embarrassed to try it anymore. But maybe that’s the key, touching someone's face is...intimate enough to get a reaction without necessarily sending the wrong signals. 

Putting his hair back up Gordon leaves the bathroom and immediately walks into Benrey coming down the hall. He manages to stop them both from falling over by grabbing onto Benrey's shoulders, holding them both still.

“Woah, you ok there?”

Benrey looks up at him and Gordon is a bit taken back at the look on his face. The eyes are open wide and there is something wild in them, a flush has creeped up on his cheeks giving the usual pale face some much needed colour. ‘ _ Pretty’ _ says a voice leaking out from the box in his mind.

“Uhhhh, yeah. Poggers dude. Everything’s chill.”

They stand there for a moment, eyes locked onto each other. Gordon hasn’t let go of Benrey's shoulders yet. For some reasons it feels right to hold on to him in this exact moment. Maybe he should just...try something right now? Yeah, one last test before he put this whole silly experiment to a rest. He lets a hand slide up from Benrey's shoulder, gently cupping his cheek. He feels Benrey tense, his mouth opening as if to say something, but nothing comes out. 

“I- you look...good tonight Benrey.”

A small gasp escaped Benrey's parted lips, eyes widening before flickering down towards Gordon's mouth and back up again. Before Gordon has the time to try and analyze the situation, Benrey suddenly rises up on his toes, eyes fluttering close and hands grabbing Gordon's shoulders to pull him down in a…

Gordon's mind does the mental equivalent of a key smash. Time seemingly coming to a halt as the voice in his head screams: “ _ And now what?! _ ”

Now what?

Millions of thoughts race through his head, memories of weeks spent living together, memories of fights, memories of a betrayal...

His right arm pulses, a stab of phantom pain at the memory of laughter in the dark. 

He pushes away.

\---

Benrey's back hits the wall, the warm fuzzy feeling inside him gone as if someone has drenched him with a bucket of cold water. He looks up at Gordon who stands on the opposite side of the hall, red in the face and shaking. 

“I- Benrey, I’m sorry...I can’t…”

“What…” Benrey pauses, swallowing around the rejection that threatens to tighten his throat. Picking out the words from the chaos inside his head is hard. “Thought you were... flirting with me. Sorry, must have misunderstood. Stupid alien brain.” He tries to laugh but what comes out sounds more like a sob and he presses a hand over his mouth, trying to hold it all in. 

“I- I was...I mean I did flirt with you Benrey. But I...it wasn’t for real.”

“Wuh?” 

Benrey tries to follow along with Gordon's fragmented words, but it’s hard to focus on anything but the cold feeling in the pit of his stomach that seems to grow larger for every second. 

“I touched your sweet voice...the other week, when you fell asleep in my lap.”

Wait what?

“It was filled with your feelings and one of them…” Gordon pauses, his eyes darting away from Benrey and the blush on his face deepening.“....one of them was love.”

The chill in Benrey is suddenly replaced with burning shame. Gordon knew? Gordon had known since last week?

“I wanted to try and figure out what it meant, what or who it was that you...loved. Fuck, it sounds so stupid saying it out loud.” Gordon drags his hand through his hair, pulling a few strands loose from the pony tail. “It was an experiment, I thought that if I faked flirting with you I could find out if it was directed...towards...me” His voice trails off, apparently out of things to say.

“You...you faked it?” 

A new feeling is growing inside Benrey now. A feeling he hasn’t felt since he was attacked by the people he saw as friends back on Xen: pure rage. 

“Damn, you figured out I loved someone and you- you  _ experimented _ on me?!”

Benrey isn’t prepared for how loud his own voice is. Everything inside him screams and he screams with it. 

“I didn’t-” Gordon starts but Benrey isn’t letting him finish. 

“I spent my whole  _ life _ as an experiment!”

Gordon goes pale at the words. His mouth opening and closing a couple of times, but nothing comes out so Benrey barrels on.

“You tell me- I- I gotta talk. Gotta tell you- my feelings. Wanna know my feelings, friend? You- coulda asked! Imma- Imma tell you, since...you’re to- to chicken hat to ask.”

Taking a deep breath he tries to find the words. The stupid words that doesn’t fit inside his head or mouth, everything’s jumbled up.

“I love you. Since you- since Black Mesa. All the fucking while- Y-You don’t feel the same! I get that… I’m not a great- almost killed you and your arm bro! You still think- I’m the big bad!”

He spits out the last few words, the taste of them vile in his mouth. 

“I’ve tried  _ so hard _ \- didn’t wanna feel like this.” 

He feels the tears streaming down his face now but doesn’t try to stop them. Just as he doesn’t stop the sweet voice pouring out of his mouth, a myriad of colours in such a chaotic order that not even Tommy would have been able to read them. 

“I thought- I was finally doing something _right_. Wasn’t bad for once, thought I was good. You telling me we’re friends was the happiest moment of my life. And you ruined it! Y-You ruined the whole thing! Making me think you cared, that you _felt_ for me! You don’t! You- I guess you can’t feel for little experiment Benrey!” 

The words run out after that, lost in tears and his own heavy breathing. He feels dizzy, like he’s about to fall over. Stumbling, Benrey leans back against the wall, panting as more sweet voice pour out with every breath.

“Benrey...I’m so-” 

Gordon takes a step towards him, but this activates something in Benrey. There is a primal need to either run or rip Gordon's fucking throat out. He chooses the former and dashes towards the door, slamming it close as he runs out in the darkening evening air. 

\---

Gordon looks at the closed hall door for what feels like hours but is probably only minutes, Benrey's words still ringing in his ears. 

_ ‘I love you!’ _

Gordon is a fucking idiot. The fuck was he even thinking with this stupid plan? Of course the sweet voice had been about him. Only an idiot wouldn’t be able to see that. An idiot like Gordon.

And now what?

Instinct tells him to run after Benrey, to catch up and beg for forgiveness. But something is holding him back. A fear and a dull pain in what is left of his right arm. 

What does he even feel towards Benrey? There is a box in Gordon’s mind filled to the brim with feelings and thoughts. It’s not unlike the box he kept his anger in. It had exploded and almost caused him to hurt Benrey. What will happen if he tries to open this one? Can he even open it now when he’s hurt Benrey so much. Does Gordon even  _ deserve _ to feel that way towards Benrey? 

A wave of nausea rolls over Gordon and he slaps a hand over his mouth. He fucked up so bad. This might even be worse than the knife incident. No, this is  _ definitely _ worse than the knife incident. At least he had an excuse to hurt Benrey back then. It was a bullshit excuse but still. 

Gordon has never seen Benrey this angry before, even the boss fight seems to pale in comparison to the raw fury Benrey had directed towards him. And Gordon deserves it, he deserved everything Benrey had shouted at him. He’s right, Gordon has ruined everything. 

_ 'So fix it then.' _

The voice in his head sounds suspiciously like Tommy and Gordon wished for the hundredth time that he could talk to the older scientist right now. But his inner Tommy is right, he has to fix this and he has to do it now. He must start by finding Benrey and apologising for everything.

Hurting out the door, Gordon looks up and down the deserted street. There are only a couple of places Benrey might have gone to in the neighbourhood. If Gordon were a heartbroken alien, where would he run to? 

The answer comes in the form of a memory, Benrey telling him about how he and N00b like to sit in the park and watch the animals. It’s a good place to start at least. 

As he walks down the road Gordon tries to figure out a way to formulate his apology. First he must apologise for the flirting and the whole experiment thing. It was not ok on any level and Gordon really wants to kick himself for ever thinking it was. Secondly, he’ll apologise for touching Benrey's sweet voice, and for rejecting him the way he did. He really could have been nicer about it. Could have maybe even let Benrey kiss him and then...

Coming around a corner he halts in his tracks. The park is only lit by a few lamp posts but Gordon can still clearly see the scene in front of him. Benrey is there, leaning against a tree and in front of him stands the tall figure of G-man. The suit clad man's eyes glows blue in the dusk and whatever he is saying has Benrey listening in rapt attention. 

“Hey!” 

The shout leaves his lips before Gordon can stop himself. The thought of Tommy’s disappearance after Gordon's last meeting with G-man makes his heart beater fast with worry. If G-man is responsible for his own son’s disappearance there is no telling what he’ll do to Benrey. Gordon hurries towards the pair, he needs to make sure G-man doesn’t do anything to Benrey. He needs to protect him!

“G-creep! Get away from Benrey or I swear I’ll-” 

And then everything stops. Gordon tries to move but his body refuses, the familiar feeling of time freezing and holding him in place enveloping him. Fuck, he’d forgotten about G-man’s weird time stopping powers.

G-man shifts his head slightly to focus his glowing eyes on Gordon for a second before turning back to Benrey, completely ignoring the man frozen in time. 

“I hope this...interruption doesn’t change your mind on our...agreement.”

Benrey turns his head to look at Gordon. The pain in those eyes that absolutely breaks Gordon’s heart. For a second it looks like he’s about to say something. But whatever it is, it remains unsaid as Benrey instead shakes his head and turns back to G-man. 

“Nah dude, it’s chill. You can take me with or whatever. Not like there’s anything left for me here anyway.” 

Gordon tries to shout and protest. Of course Benrey still has things left! He still has his friends. Gordon fucked up big time but he’s still Benrey's friend! And they still need to find Tommy,  _ together.  _ And what about N00b, she’s waiting for him back home. They can still go  _ home _ . 

‘Come back home with me Benrey,  _ please _ !’

But Gordon's tongue is as locked as the rest of his body. Only his eyes remain unfrozen and able to watch as G-man puts a hand on Benrey's shoulder. 

Benrey gives Gordon one last look before slipping the chullo off his head, dropping it on the ground. 

There is a distortion of space and time and when it’s gone, so is G-man and Benrey. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grey like a dove means that I'm in love  
> Yellow means I'm a happy fellow
> 
> Hello, so this took a bit of a turn, literally. I actually changed the direction wanted the story to go in because I just could't resist this level of angst. I am so sorry, please don't be too angry at Gordon. ^^' 
> 
> On another note I'm in the progress of re-editing the earlier chapters. There are too many spelling and grammar error for me to ignore. My writing has also developed a fair bit over the last couple of months and I feels like I can express certain parts a bit better now. There are no big changes though but if you do want to re-read the whole thing just wait a day or two until I'm done ;)
> 
> I've also finally figured out how long this is going to be. All in all (if no new ideas suddenly springs to life) Becoming Human will be 17 chapters including an epilogue. I hope you'll stick with me to the ends. As usual, thanks for all the kudos and comments, the levels of serotonin it brings me are insane!
> 
> Edit: Hey I've gotten some amazing fan-art for this chapter! Please have a look and support the fantastic artists who made these.  
> https://plushmon.tumblr.com/post/637900038612353024/so-that-new-becoming-human-chapter-huh-fic-by
> 
> https://grainthief.tumblr.com/post/637883167975538688/the-fic-becoming-human-murdered-me-today-3-i
> 
> https://frostios.tumblr.com/post/637904726738993152/chapter-12-destruction-moments-becoming-human
> 
> https://art-and-jazz.tumblr.com/post/638068850501533696/anyway-go-read-becoming-human-by
> 
> https://toyclxwne.tumblr.com/post/638051538532745216/my-first-hlvrai-drawing-i-dont-usually-draw


	13. Chapter 13

Gordon stumbles as times restarts arounds him. He barely manages to catch himself from falling before running over to the spot Benrey just disappeared from. There is a scream lingering in his throat that he knows there is no use to let out. The only trace left of Benrey is the chullo lying by the roots of the tree. As Gordon picks it up with shaking hands something falls clinking to the ground. It’s a house key attached to a jellyfish keychain. Picking it up as well he presses his thumb down on the soft plastic of the jellyfish, just as he has seen Benrey do so many times over the last couple of weeks. Tears are burning in his eyes but Gordon clenches his teeth, refusing to let them fall. 

He stays under the tree for what feels like hours, waiting, hoping. But the night stays dark and empty. No more distortions of time and space. No Benrey. 

The way home feels longer than usual, his footsteps heavy as they walk down familiar streets. When he opens the door he’s met by N00b waiting in the hallway. The little cat gives him an uninterested look and when her favourite person doesn’t emerge from outside she turns around and scratches on the door that leads to Benrey's room. 

While opening it for her Gordon wonders when it started to be Benrey’s room and stopped being the guest room. And it is his room, all over it are little indications of the life Benrey lived here, how he made it his. The charger to the Switch and his phone by the bed, a pile of clothes on the chair, a book about jellyfish on the bedside table.

A desperate idea grabs hold of him and he tries calling Benrey's number. The small fragment of hope in his chest chatters as he hears the vibrations of a phone under a pillow. 

N00b jumps up on the bed, making herself comfortable among the blankets. Gordon joins her, sitting down on the edge. He’s still holding the key and the chullo and the grip turns his knuckles white. It isn’t until he hears N00bs content purring that the tears break through. At first they just fall in silence but as the knife inside him twists he can’t hold it in any longer. Gordon presses the soft material of the chullo to his face and screams out the sadness, guilt, worry and loneliness inside. Last time he cried like this was when he’d just gotten out of Black Mesa. But this time the crying doesn’t leave him with any relief, only a headache and emptiness. It takes time before the tears finally run out but finally he starts to nod off curled up on the bed. The chullo is still pressed to his face and it smells of the shampoo Benrey keeps stealing from him and something that he can’t describe but is uniquely Benrey. 

In the moments before fully waking up it all feels like a bad dream. Something awful that happened in his head while he was asleep only to be forgotten during the day. But waking up doesn't disperse the nightmare, only solidify it. Gordon's awakened mind has to face the cold reality of his actions: he has done something awful and Benrey has left as a result. And right now, he is completely alone.

He doesn’t go up right away, lingering on his back in bed and staring at the ceiling. Beside him he can hear the small sounds of the sleeping N00b, little cat snores and an occasional shuffling among the sheets. Gordon is struck by the sudden realisation that this is the view Benrey has woken up to every day over the last month. He has been lying in this very spot and probably staring at the ceiling the same way Gordon is right now. Maybe waiting to hear Gordon wake up and come downstairs so that they can eat breakfast together. Wanting to spend time with him, because Benrey...

Gordon feels himself start to tear up again and in an attempt to stop himself from spiraling he gets up and tries to get on with the day. There is a desperate need to use the bathroom and even though the guilt in his stomach makes him feel nauseous, he knows he needs to eat something. 

The next punch to the gut comes when Gordon makes his way into the kitchen and his eyes fall on the mess still left from yesterday's lunch. Benrey's cup is still on the table, an ugly thing with a Minecraft character that Benrey had demanded Gordon get for him when they found it during an outing to the grocery store. Benrey was fiercely protective of it and would accuse Gordon of trying to steal it if he so much as even looked at it. 

Everywhere Gordon looks in his home he finds remnants of Benrey's life. The juice in the fridge is without pulp because Benrey refuses to drink it otherwise. On the fridge are video game magnets from one of Benrey's gaming magazines. The PS4 controller lies in the same place where Benrey last put it down on the coffee table in the living room. Benrey’s favourite hoodie hangs over the back of the couch. 

Wherever Benrey had gone he’d done so in only a t-shirt, Gordon realises dimly. He wonders if he’s cold right now. 

Fuck, when had Benrey become so ingraned in his life? When had he become so...important? Standing in his home, surrounded by little reminders of Benrey's time here with him, Gordon realises that to him, Benrey is just that: important. 

He can’t just give up, accept that Benrey is gone and out of his life forever. Not after everything they’ve gone through. Not after everything they’ve shared. 

He _needs_ to fix this. 

The question is: how? Because in the end Benrey hasn’t just left, he’s been spirited away, taken by whatever kind of entity G-man is. As far as Gordon knows Benrey can be anywhere in the world right now. Fuck, he could even be on some other world. Where could you even start looking for a person that might not even be on earth? It’s enough to make his head spin.

Gordon still hasn’t eaten and whatever little appetite there was has left him. Instead he goes back to the living room and sinks down in his spot on the couch. Why is this even _his_ spot? Just because Benrey likes to occupy the couch cushion nearest the window? Benrey hasn’t even been gone for 24 hours and it still feels like he’s living with a ghost. 

He should call Dr. Coomer and Bubby, inform them what has happened. The mere thought sends a wave of anxiety ridden shame though his body. Gordon can practically hear their harsh words, Bubby calling him all manners of _colourful_ names and Dr. Coomer reciting wikipedias definition for ‘fuck up’. Would he even get through such a call without breaking down? Probably not. The call can wait for a bit. At least until he manages to gather up his thoughts properly and figure out a plan on how to get Benrey back. 

Tiredness washes over him and Gordon lets himself flop face down on the couch. He can just lie here for a second and regain his strength. As soon as hess able he’ll get up and wrestle with the impossible task of figuring out Benrey’s location. Right now, he just wants to rest his eyes a bit. 

\---

Benrey’s hand slides up from Gordon’s shoulder, gently cupping his cheek. He feels himself tense, mouth opening as if to say something, but nothing comes out. 

It’s nice, this is nice. Being touched like this. There are butterflies swarming in Gordon's stomach and he doesn’t know why. His face feels like it is on fire but not in a bad way. This is nice.

“I- you look...good tonight, Gordon.”

Wait, what is this? Why is Benrey telling him that? And why does it make him feel so ridiculously happy? Benrey also looks good and Gordon wants to tell him but no words can be formed.

A small gasp escaped Gordon’s parted lips, he feels his eyes widening before looking down towards Benrey’s mouth and back up again.

Should he really do this? Can he even do this? But he wants to, he wants to do it so, so bad.  
Gordon finds himself bending down, eyes fluttering close, hands grabbing Benrey's shoulders to pull him up in a…

\---

There is a knock on the door and Gordon is jolted awake so violently he rolls off the couch. Lying on the carpet for a moment he tries to regain his bearings. His heart beats violently in his chest and his cheeks feel hot. There had been a dream, he knows that much but trying to remember it is like grasping water. In the end he is left without a clue of what it contained that left him in this state. Only a faint memory of feeling a hand against his cheek remains. 

There is another knock on the door, more insistent this time. 

Who the fuck would even come and visit him now? A glance on his phone shows no new messages and the clock is close to six in the evening. Gordon has half a mind to ignore it when a thought strikes him: key! Benrey left his key on the ground before disappearing. Of course he has to knock to be let in. Gordon heaves himself off the floor and sprints towards the front door, heart still hammering in his chest but now he knows the reason for it. Skidding to a halt he unlocks and throws open the door, ready to spew out every half-baked apology he has circling in his brain in hope that Benrey will forgive him.

“H-hi Mr. Freeman. This was- it’s good to see you again.” 

On his doorstep stands Tommy, still dressed in his lab coat and propeller hat, an awkward smile on his face.

The whiplash of feelings that hits Gordon at the sight almost sends him reeling. A weight he has been carrying ever since he’s been unable to contact Tommy lifts from his chest. Tommy is back! An excited laugh almost finds its way up his throat before getting crushed by the lead ball of disappointment settling in his stomach. Tommy is back and he’s ok! … But Benrey is still gone and Gordon has no idea where he might be. 

He opens his mouth to greet Tommy, to ask where he’s been and to beg for help. No words come out however, as the world around Gordon starts to spin and buzz. The edges of his field of vision darken as Tommy’s concerned voices reach him like he’s on the other end of a tunnel. Darkness takes over and it almost feels like falling asleep.

Rising back to consciousness Gordon feels something cold and wet on his face and he bats at it to get it away. He doesn’t want to wake up, not yet. The darkness is calming and for once, nothing hurts. But whatever is on his face it is relentless and soon he finds himself resurfacing back to the world of the living. 

“Oh, you’re awake Mr. Freeman...that’s- that’s good.”

Squinting he tries to get a clear view of the person that stands over him.

“Tommy?”

His throat feels like it’s filled with sand and the word comes out more like a croak than a name. He still can’t make his eyes focus and it takes Gordon a second to realise he’s not wearing his glasses. 

“Hi! Are you- how are you f-feeling?”

“Thirsty.”

A glass of water is placed in his hands and he drinks greedily from it. When was the last time he drank something, or ate for that matter?

“Where’s my glasses?”

“Sorry Mr. Freeman, I took them off when you- after you fainted.” 

A blurry hand comes into his vision, something black placed in the palm of them. He reaches out to grab it only to find he’s not wearing his prosthetic. Sheepishly he uses his left hand to pick them up and finally the world comes back into focus. 

He’s on his sofa, half sitting up with Tommy on his knees on the floor, a concerned look on his usually cheery face. He’s holding a damp towel which Gordon guesses was the source of the cold feeling from earlier.

The memory of what transpired before he fainted rushes back and Gordon is once again hit with that uncomfortable mix of relief and disappointment. For a wild second he’d actually thought Benrey had come back. Thinking of the feeling of excitement that had brought with it hurts too much and he tries to focus on the positive instead. Tommy is here, and he’s ok. At least he doesn’t look injured, only tired. 

Gordon allows himself to enjoy the relief at least for the moment and pulls the older scientist into a slightly awkward hug. 

“It’s good to see you again Tommy! Where have you’ve been? We’ve been worried sick.”

“That’s...kind of a long story I’m afraid. I can- I can tell you when I’ve made sure you’re o-ok Mr. Freeman.”

“Why wouldn’t I be ok?”

“You fainted, that is not the b-behaviour of someone who is ok.” 

The look Tommy gives him makes Gordon very aware of the 10 year age gap between them. It feels a bit like being scolded by an older brother. 

“It was just a drop in blood sugar, nothing serious. It happened a few times back in college when I forgot to eat.”

“You haven’t eaten properly?”

Not since yesterday lunch Gordon hasn’t, no. Not since Benrey disappeared. 

“I’ll just have a banana and some juice and I’ll be right back on my feet.”

Tommy scowles slightly, pinning Gordon into place with the glare. Damn, he can be intimidating even without pointing a gun at you, who knew? 

“Stay put Mr. Freeman. I’ll just- I’m going to make use of your kitchen, we’ll t-talk after you’ve eaten.”

For a second Gordon wants to protest but the look on Tommy’s face gives no room for arguments. As Tommy makes his way into the kitchen Gordon sinks back down on the couch pillows. His eyes catching the dark blue fabric of Benrey’s hoodie still hanging off the back of the sofa. Glancing to make sure Tommy's has left the room he pulls the hoodie down. There is a small urge to just hold it to his chest but Gordon stops himself, he is a grown man and not some kind of damsel in a romantic tragedy for fucks sake! Instead he just holds it in his hand, fingers mindlessly stroking the fabrik while awaiting Tommy’s return. 

Tommy comes back with a glass of juice, a couple of pb&j sandwiches and a small plate with apple slices. It feels a bit like being five years old again, getting food in bed while staying home sick. It’s comforting in an almost regressive way and Gordon tries not to dwell at it. As simple as the food is it still tastes amazing. It only takes a few bites for Gordon’ stomach to remind him just how hungry he really is. He lets himself devour two sandwiches before trying to start up a conversation.

“Where's Sunkist by the way?” 

Gorodn might only have met the large golden retriever a couple of times but he was under the impression that outside Black Mesa she was always with her owner.

“I left- she’s at a friend's place at the moment. My d-dad made sure she was t-taken care of while I was...unavailable. I’ll pick her up as soon as all th-this is over.”

Tommy falls silent, chewing on his bottom lip before returning his gaze to Gordon, worry clear on his face. 

“G-gordon, where is Benrey?”

Gordon almost chokes on the last apple slice, both at the question but also at the unusual use of his first name. 

“I- he is...Tommy I…” 

It’s the phone call after the knife incident all over again and the answer gets stuck in Gordon’s throat. How can he even begin to tell Tommy the level of fuck up he’s done? 

“I’m too late then...m-my dad already took him?”

Hold the fucking phone! Tommy knows that G-man has taken Benrey!? How? What had transpired between Tommy and his father that had led to Tommy disappearing for weeks and G-man coming after Benrey? And if G-man’s goal was to take Benrey away, why hadn’t he done so the first time he’d come to the house? What has changed since then? 

So many questions crowds in his head that all Gordon manages to get out is a quiet:

“How?”

Tommy sighs and crosses his arms over his chest, an uncharacteristic look of frustration on his face. 

“My dad’s employer they- they don’t like Benrey. Apparently he was not supposed to come b-back. I guess they thought that if we- when we defeated Benrey on Xen he would stay there. I obviously don’t agree. He shouldn’t- Benrey deserves a second chance at a normal life! It’s their f-fault he’s even here to begin with. He doesn’t even have powers anymore and isn’t a threat to a-anyone. My dad and I had an...d-disagreement about how to handle it all.”

The way Tommy says ‘disagreement’ gives Gordon the impression that it might not have been a purely verbal discussion. 

“I think my d-dad and his employers are s-scared of the potential of having an alien j-just living a normal life here on earth. So they tasked my dad with bringing B-Benrey back. I tried to stop him and he- he put me in...time out.”

“Wait, he locked you up somewhere for several weeks?” 

The thought that a father could do that to his own son has Gordon absolutely furious, another reason to punch G-man in his stupid wrinkly face next time he saw him. 

“N-not locked up. More like put in stasis. Like having a r-really long nap.”

“I don’t think that’s much better buddy.”

“No.” 

“So, how did you get out?”

“I think my dad let me out after he took B-benry. To make sure I didn’t warn you.”

Tommy falls silent, hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt until Gordon offers him a clicking toy which Tommy accepts with a small smile. 

“I don’t- my dad isn’t an evil person. Sometimes he just has a hard time seeing the...human perspective of things.”

“If you say so. But why wait until now? Mr. Coo-...G-man was here a couple of weeks ago and asked for Benrey to come with him. Why did he just let him stay here?”

“They want to take Benrey back to Xen, Mr. Freeman.” 

Tommy says it with a tone that indicates that he should understand the implications of this. Unfortunately Tommy overestimates Gordon’s deductive skills. 

“So? Can they only do this at certain times?”

“On Xen B-benry has his powers, all of them, including t-teleportation. He could- he can teleport back to earth if he wants to. So they had to make sure he wanted to stay there.”

Gordon is hit with two ralisations at the same time. The first one is that this is the same tactic they used to keep Benrey locked in Black Mesa, make him think that this is as good as it’s going to get. Giving him no incentive to leave. The second one is the crushing awareness that _he_ is the one who helped them achieve this. Benrey was thriving on earth, he would never have left if it weren’t for how awful Gordon had acted. Benrey is gone and it’s all his fault. 

A lump is forming in his throat and he tries to swallow it down, this is not the time to start crying. He needs to finish listening to Tommy’s explanation. But Tommy levels Gordon with a stare that holds so much disappointment that it flushes Gordon’s entire body with shame. 

“So, Mr. Freeman, what did you do to make Benrey want to leave?”

The way Tommy looks at him right now just confirms all the feeling of shame and self loathing that’s been festering inside him since Benrey left. The tears start to fall without him being able to stop them, and he feels the familiar rise of panic in his chest. He tries keeping his breath calm but it keeps coming out in shallow pants.

Gordon’s hand finds its way to the hoodie again, gripping it tightly. Staring down on the dark blue fabric he tries to call forth the feeling that Benrey’s blue sweet voice always gives him. That sea of calm and rational thinking that makes handling these kinds of situations so much easier. He manages to take a couple of deep breaths, willing down the panic attack that lurks just on the edge of his consciousness. He can do this, he can tell Tommy everything that happened. He deserves to know. After a couple of stumbling starts Gordon starts to talk.

He fills Tommy in on all that has happened since their last phone call, about the visit to the aquarium and the house key gift. He tells him about the night with the rain and how Benrey found N00b (the little cat takes a liking to Tommy the minute they’re introduced and soon falls asleep in his lap). Gordon describes the meeting with G-man and his suspicion of letting Benrey leave with him. Then he talks about the night he and Benrey were drinking, about how he declared them friends and the contents of the sweet voice bubble Gordon had touched. When he gets to this part Tommy puts a hand over his mouth, a look of surprise in his wide eyes. 

“I didn’t...I knew Benrey liked you, he told me as much b-but I didn’t know he felt so deeply for you Mr. Freeman.” 

“I thought that maybe- I didn't know it was about me ok!”

“B-but Benrey has flirted with you since the moment you met, who else could it have been about?”

Groaning, Gordon puts his face in his hands.

“I’m a fucking idiot! I should have known, shouldn’t I? I guess I was scared of what those feelings would mean.”

“And you- why didn’t you just ask him about it?”

Gordon only groans even louder and doesn’t answer the question. He hears Tommy sigh and a comforting hand lands on his back.

“It’s like herding cats w-with you two.”

He doesn’t dare to look up while telling about his flirting experiment so he keeps his face and his shame hidden in his hands while talking. By the time Gordon gets to the almost kiss, he’s having a hard time keeping the tears back again, the memory of the hurt in Benrey’s eyes too much for him to handle. 

“...and I pushed him away, I fucking pushed him away. I tried to explain why, but my stupid ass told him about the fake flirting, that it was only an experiment. I’ve never seen him that angry before Tommy, not even during the boss fight. I fucked up so bad, and then I let him leave. He ran away and I didn’t follow him. I didn’t even apologize properly. And when I found him again it was too late. G-man was already there and I guess he convinced Benrey that hanging out on Xen was better than spending another second with me and honestly... I don’t blame him.”

“I...that wasn’t good.” 

There is no anger in Tommy’s voice, there is barely any disappointment. He mostly sounds sad and that might be even worse.

“I know! I fucked up so bad Tommy. And I don’t know what to do! I don’t know where he is or how to even begin finding him again. I just wanna- I just wanna apologise. He doesn’t even have to forgive me, he probably won’t anyway. I just want him to know how sorry I am, for everything.” 

Tommy doesn’t respond, his hand tapping against his cheek while he gives a small hum. Gordon waits and lets him think. There is never any use stressing Tommy.

“What you did was bad, but it’s not- we can still fix this.”

The words are an echo of Gordon’s own thoughts and a small light of hope sparks in his chest.

“You really think that?”

“Sure! But before we start talking about that I n-need to know something from you Mr. Freeman. What- what do you feel about Benrey?”

It’s the million dollar question and the answer is hidden in a box Gordon is deadly afraid of opening. The doubt from earlier is showing its ugly head again. Is he even allowed to have these feelings now? Can you really care for a person you’ve hurt so deeply? Gordon can feel his thoughts start to spiral, shame and guilt preventing him from even trying to articulate a proper answer. 

As if sensing his inner turmoil Tommy pulls him into another hug. The physical sensation helps grounding Gordon to the here and now, the chaos inside him calming down. 

“It’s ok to feel things Gordon. Feelings aren’t- you can’t control h-how you feel, only how you act on those feelings. B-but hiding them, locking them away will only make t-the acting part harder. That will- you’ll risk hurting people.”

Tommy pulls away from the hug, still holding onto Gordon’s shoulders he gives him a wide smile. 

“It’s time to face your feelings Mr. Freeman.”

It is time to face the music isn’t it? Gordon takes a deep breath and opens the lid to the box. 

“I like Benrey, a lot. He’s such a funny guy, honestly no one has ever made me laugh like he does. I have so much fun when we hang out, playing video games, cooking or even just talking to each other. He’s handsome... and so fucking cute when he plays with N00b. And sometimes he looks at me like I’m something _important_ and I honestly don’t know what to do with myself when that happens.”

Gordon can hear his own heartbeat in his ears and a flush is steadily forming on his face, but he keeps on talking. 

“He’s also a fucking idiot. He teases me all the time and says the most idiotic things because he knows it will annoy me. Benrey is absolutely the most infuriating and fascinating person I’ve ever met! I don’t- I don’t know if it’s a romantic feeling, at least not yet. But I know this at least: being with Benrey, it feels like home.” 

By the end of his little speech Tommy is beaming at him. 

“That’s w-wonderful Mr. Freeman.”

Gordon gives him a weak smile back, heart still beating a mile a minute and cheeks flushed with heat. Had he really said all those things out loud? If Benrey was here he’d probably add it to Gordon’s top ten cringe compilations. But he doesn’t regret saying it, not one bit. 

“Thanks Tommy. I- it feels better, having said it. 

“I know it would.” 

There is an almost smug look on Tommy’s face and Gordon can’t help the laugh that escapes him. There is something light and giddy inside him right now and it’s such a stark contrast to the darkness he’s been wallowing in for the last 24 hours. 

“So, you said something about fixing things?”

Tommy claps his hands together, excitement radiating off him like sunbeams. 

“Yeah! We’re going to g-get the science team back together and we’re g-going to go to Xen to get our Benrey back!”

Gordon is surprised by the direct approach of Tommy’s plan, he makes it sound like it’s the simplest of things. Like Xen is only a road trip away and not on the other side of space. 

“Tommy, buddy. Do I need to remind you that Xen is on another planet and that all the portals were blown up with Black Mesa? How do we even get there?”

“I-I’ll get us there!”

The enthusiasm in Tommy’s voice is encouraging but Gorond still has his doubts.

“I hate to break it to you bud but we normal folks can’t just pop over to the next galaxy.”

Tommy’s smile widens with teeth that are just a little bit too sharp. Was his eyes always this bright? They almost seem luminous in the dimming evening light. 

“Oh Mr. Freeman, did you think I was human?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays everybody! I hope you're having a wonderful time and get to eat a lot of tasty food. 
> 
> I am blown away by the response from the last chapter, not only did I get a bunch of amazing fan art (it's all linked in the comment for last chapter) but I even got memes! Also thank you for everyone who took their time writing a comment, I had such a good time reading all your reactions. Also a lot of you have found my tumblr and sent me asks and stuff which is also amazing. Please keep doing that, it's so much fun to talk with all of you! 
> 
> So! Not as depressing chapter this time, this fic will have a happy ending after all. Although I will have to add another chapter now, the plan was for them to leave for Xen in the end of this chapter but as usual I had too much to say to fit that in here XD Also I'm saying this right now so that people won't worry about it: Gordon fainting is not a prelude to some grave illness or something like that. He's just like me and gets a bit fainty is he doesn't eat properly. Also eating while sad is hard! 
> 
> I hope you'll have a wonderful time and a happy new year! Next chapter will come out on Januari the 1st.
> 
> Edit:  
> Holy crap I’ve gotten more fan art!  
> https://artb0t.tumblr.com/post/638517659872395264/wow-how-about-that-newest-chapter-of  
> https://une-nightshade.tumblr.com/post/638521287344537600/todaytomorrowgiraff-read-the-latest-chapter-and  
> https://two-dolla-bills.tumblr.com/post/638522446652260352/tommys-smile-widens-with-teeth-that-are-just-a
> 
> This is a comic of Gordon's confession scene and if you only look at one piece of fan art please look at this one: https://shanimations.tumblr.com/post/639876756437876736/wooo-first-post-of-the-year-and-its-a-comic


	14. Chapter 14

Staring at the man in front of him Gordon tries to find the words to speak but fails to utter anything tangible. Tommy in turn just keeps looking at him with those strangely glowing eyes, head cocked slightly to the side as he waits for the human to speak. 

“I- what...you…”

“Yes, Mr. Freeman?”

There really is no logic to the fear that creeps down his spine. It’s still _Tommy_ Gordon tries to tell himself as he gathers his chin off the floor. Tommy who is loyal and trusting, almost to a fault and without whose help Gordon would not be alive right now. Maybe it’s because those eyes remind him a bit too much of Tommy’s father’s. 

“Tommy… what are you?”

“I’m a scientist!”

The answer is given with such humor and sincerity that it completely cuts the strings to the tension inside Gordon. He can’t stop the laughter tumbling out of him and soon he’s wheezing for air with Tommy giggling along beside him. It’s not until his stomach starts to hurt that Gordon finally manages to gather himself together, wiping tears from his eyes and straightening up from where he’s been doubled over on the couch.

“I-I guess that makes sense. You do have the lab coat and everything.”

“And three d-doctorates.” Tommy adds with only a hint of pride. 

“Wait, really? Three? That’s impressive. Should I just call you Dr. Coolatta then?”

Gordon is teasing but he is, and not for the first time, thoroughly impressed by his friend. Tommy wrinkles his nose at the words and shakes his head vehemently.

“Oh I- I hate that. It makes me sound s-so old.” 

“If we’re keeping to first names maybe you can call me Gordon as well?”

The smile that Tommy gives him is _almost_ fond.

“No.”

“Fair enough. So I guess you won’t tell me more about what you and your dad actually are then?”  
To be honest, Gordon isn’t even sure he wants to know but he feels like Tommy at least deserves a chance to talk about it without Gordon freaking out. 

“I don’t... It’s best that you d-don’t know more than this Mr. Freeman. It’s not something that- that humans are supposed to know about us. I’m... still me, I’m just not the same as you.”

There is a slight sadness in Tommy’s voice and Gordon is struck by the impulse to reassure him.

“It doesn’t matter what you are Tommy, you’re my _friend_ and that’s the only thing that matters to me!”

“Th-thank you Mr. Freeman. I’m glad that we’re still f-friends.”

Tommys relaxes slightly, it seems that he’d actually been worried about Gordon’s reaction after all. Gordon just hopes that his words were enough. 

“Is that how we’re going to Xen then? You got some kind of powers, like your d- like G-man.”

“Yeah, I have- I’ve finally learnt how to make portals now. Before my dad put me in...time out, he was training me. I-I thought it was because of what happened in B-black Mesa. That he wanted to make sure I could get o-ut of situations like that in the future. He wanted- b-but then he- he told me I have t-to convince Benrey to c-come with me to Xen. That I should- he wanted me t-to m-make him s-stay there!”

The longer Tommy talks the more pronounced his stutter becomes, his eyes shining brighter by the second. Looking down Gordon finds that Tommy’s hand is clenching the toy he’d given him earlier so hard that his knuckles are turning white. 

“I refused and then- then my dad- he’s never used his powers on me before that. I-I should h-have seen it coming. Maybe I could have-”

Gordon cuts in before Tommy has the chance to finish. 

“This is not your fault Tommy. Ok? Do not blame yourself for this!” He puts his hand on Tommy's clenched fist and it relaxes slightly, loosening its death grip on the toy. “If anyone is to blame it’s me, If I just hadn’t-”

Tommy is the one who interrupts this time around, placing a hand on top of Gordon’s so that it’s sandwiched between Tommy’s larger ones. 

“We’re getting him back Mr. Freeman.”

A soft smile settles on Gordon's face. 

“Yeah, can’t let Benrey rot away on Xen when I have so much apologizing to do.”

“You’re g-going to have to grovel like a...like a mole on the subway.”

Gordon barks out a laugh, freeing his hand to lightly shove Tommy’s shoulder.

“That one makes zero sense buddy.”

He would like to keep the jovian atmosphere but the things Tommy has told him, about what transpired between him and G-man, has awakened a new worry in Gordon. Getting Benrey to agree to come back might not even be the hardest part after all. 

“Hey Tommy, when we’ve found Benrey and convinced him to come home, what happens if G-man won’t let him leave.” 

Tommy's eyes flare up again, so bright this time that Gordon has to avert his eyes for a second.

“I won’t let him.” 

The sound of something breaking can be heard from Tommy’s clenched fist, but he doesn’t seem to notice, his bright eyes staring holes into the wall while talking.. 

“He t-took me by surprise last time. I didn’t think- I won’t go down so easy next time. This time, I’m prepared.”

The anger in his voice surprises Gordon. The realisation that Tommy must have carried this anger with him since he woke up from the stasis is a chilling one. He hadn’t noticed it glowing in Tommy like an ember beneath all sadness and worry. But it seems like the ember is easily stoked into a fire and Gordon hopes he’ll never have to experience its burn. 

Seemingly catching himself, Tommy shakes his head, his eyes finally dimming until none of that unnatural glow is left. His face softens until only his regular mellow expression remains. But even now Gordon can still somehow sense the shift in the man before him. Tommy might look the same but he has changed since they last saw each other. It’s similar to the weird vertigo feeling that always seems to surround G-man, but instead of feeling dizzy it’s a bit like having your mind surrounded by a carbonated drink, it feels fizzy. It’s not an unpleasant feeling, but being aware of it Gordon wonders how he could have ever missed it. 

“O-ok Mr Freeman, back on track, let's call Dr. Coomer and Bubby! W-we have another planet to visit and a f-friend to save!”

Xen, the reality that they’re going back to that hell dimension is almost enough to make Gordon start hyperventilating again. Fuck, if the choice was between Xen and Black Mesa he’d go back to Black Mesa one hundred times before even thinking about returning to Xen. But all that doesn’t matter. What matters is getting Benrey to come back, to come... home. And even if it makes him quake in his boots Gordon is going to have to overcome his fear of the place so that he can give Benrey the apology he deserves. Still, that doesn’t mean he has to do all the heavy lifting by himself. 

“Can you call them Tommy? They’ve been worried about you too you know. And If we’re going to Xen I need to prepare some things.” 

Gordon tells himself that he's not really avoiding making the call himself, no, of course not! There's frankly a very good reason for Tommy to make the call, so.. he can tell them that he's fine! It’s not like he’s afraid of how the Boomers will react to his recent fuck up or anything. Luckily Tommy doesn’t argue and is already dialing the number when Gordon leaves the room. 

There is one place in the house Gordon has avoided ever since returning back home the previous month. A storage closet at the end of the upper hallway. It’s not a place he usually has to rummage through. It only contains some boxes with holiday decorations, a garbage bag with old textile he hasn’t gotten around to throw away and some yearbooks that he tells himself he’s saving for Joshua’s sake. When he came back from Black Mesa after that fateful week the closet had gotten a new inhabitant, the HEV suit. With no way of returning it back to Black Mesa or safely getting rid of it Gordon had just shoved it as far into the closet that he could manage and then ignored while trying not to look at the door every time he moved down the hallway. 

He takes a moment to brace himself in the hallway before opening the door, not really knowing if the sight of the HEV suit will send him spiraling into another panic attack. Luckily nothing of the sort happens, the parts looking less like an actual suit and more like a deconstructed transformer. 

If returning to Xen is the thing Gordon wants to do the least, putting on the HEV suit is a close second. Although he’s under no delusions that he would survive even an hour in the hostile climate on Xen without the protection of the orange monstrosity. Even un-charged and emptied out of morphine, the suit still made a protective shell for the more squishy parts of Gordon’s body that some of the fauna and flora on Xen seemed much interested in eviscerating. He resists the urge to drag the parts out and kick them down the stairs. Instead he stuffs them all in a trash bag which he carries thrown over his shoulder like a Santa Clause with a sack of the worst presents imaginable. 

Tommy gives him a raised eyebrow when Gordon walks back into the living room and it’s followed by its twin as Gordon starts pulling the pieces out of the bag. 

“Y-you kept it?”

“Not much else I could do with it. I kinda hoped someone would come pick it up eventually but I guess I’m lucky no one did.”

Picking up one piece at a time Gordon tries to discern if anything is broken with little success. He might have worn the damn thing from hell and back but he still had little knowledge of how the suit actually works. One would think the scientist had an affinity for things like this. Fuck, he’s not even sure if he can get it on properly without a station. 

“Do you think you can help me with this?” 

“I don’t- I can try but the HEV suit was never my area of ex- expertise.”

“That makes two of us then.” 

They work mostly in silence, trying to figure out the order in which the suit is to be put on manually. It’s a bit like putting together a piece of furniture from IKEA without the manual and also if said piece of furniture was designed to withstand radiation, toxic waste and green sludge. The monotony of the work makes Gordon's thoughts wander and before he has the time to stop himself he has voiced one of them out loud. 

“How was Benrey before, when you first met him I mean?”

Tommy pauses from trying to unlatch a buckle on the shoulder piece to tap his finger against his cheek.

“I’m assuming that Benrey t-told you about…”

“Yeah, he told me about how he grew in Black Mesa. Although I think he left a bunch of stuff out, either that... or he didn’t understand the scope of everything himself.”

Tommy nods, his hand coming back to work on the buckle while he talks.

“He was- he was very bored, and lonely. None of the scientists c-could really...interact with him without Benrey trying to bite them or throw stuff at them. I- I think I was the first who t-talked to him like a person and not a research subject. He kinda latched on t-to me after that. N-not that I minded. He’s very...sweet when you actually get to know him.”

Gordon chuckles a bit, bending down to try and get one of the boots to latch on to the leg guard. 

“Sweet is really not a word I ever thought would describe Benrey.”

“He is if- if you know how to communicate with him.” 

There is a clear hint of disapproval in Tommy’s voice and Gordon is fast to backtrack. 

“I mean I can see what you mean, you should see him interact with N00b.”

Glancing up he can see a warm smile spread over Tommy's face. His eyes looking out into the room but not watching anything in particular. 

“It was the same when he met Sunkist the first time. She and Benrey got along like...like two magnets of opposite attraction.” 

“When was this?” Gordon still has a bit of a hard time understanding the timeline of Benrey’s life in Black Mesa.

“Some years after I- after we first met. It took t-time gaining the higher ups t-trust so that I could give Benrey some more freedom, b-but I got them to let him out of his...room eventually. I-I think that was around the time he got over his crush on m-me as well.”

The leg guard Gordon has been struggling with falls to the floor with a clatter as he gets up fast enough for the dizziness to return for a moment. Grabbing onto Tommy’s shoulder he stares at the older man.

“I’m sorry what?”

Tommy slams a hand over his mouth, clearly regretting the words that he’d just spoken.

“Oh- oh no I was under the impression- Benrey hadn’t told you about that had he?”

“No!”

“It’s- It was really not my place to...t-tell you about that Mr. Freeman.”

“No but...this is actually really good! You can help me since you’ve been in the same situation as me.”

Tommy gives him an apologetic smile before getting back to work on the shoulder piece. 

“It really isn’t the same Mr. Freeman. B-Benrey only got a crush on me because- because I was the first p-person who treated him kindly. That’s why...it went away when- as soon as he got to expand his world views and meet more people who saw him as something more than a test. He n-never sang any greys for me.”

Gordon can feel the blush rising to his cheeks and he tries to busy himself with the arm sleeve to distract from the odd feeling of pride that the words have awakened in his chest. He really shouldn’t be this happy that Benrey’s feelings for him are this unique, it’s what got them into this mess after all. Luckily, Tommy either doesn’t notice or chooses not to comment on the changing colour on Gordon’s face, and instead keeps on talking.

“I- we never talked about it, back then. I kinda wish- I wish I had so th-that I could have prepared him for what falling in l-love for real would be like.”

Clearing his throat Gordon tries to form the words around the lump suddenly forming in his throat. 

“You don’t think he loved you for real?”

“Oh, Benrey loved me in h-his own way, but not the way he loves y-you. You don’t sing d-dove over a crush Mr. Freeman.” 

The blush is now heating up Gordon’s ears and moving down his chest so he tries to nudge the conversation slightly to the left. 

“And you?”

“Hmm?” Tommy hums his question, finally securing the final strap to the shoulder piece in place.

“What...what did you feel?”

Tommy quiets as his hands stills and it takes him a minute to answer, when he does the melancholy in his voice almost says more than his words.

“I felt sad, that I- that I could not give him wh-what he wanted. Under d-different circumstances we might have-”

A slam loud enough to make the floorboards rumble interrupts them, Gordon would be startled if he didn't recognize the thunderous steps of the man letting himself in

“GORDON! Are you the motherfucker who fucked up the fucking confession?!”

Sighing and hoping the blush isn’t still visible in his face Gordon calls back.

“We’re in the living room Bubby!”

Stomping footsteps can be heard down the hallway leading to the living room as Bubby keeps up his rant.

“I had that win in the bag but give it to fucking Gordon Freeman to fuck up a fucking love-”

Bubby falls abruptly silent as he walks into the room, eyes falling on Gordon and the partially reassembled HEV suit. 

“Ah Hello Gordon! I see that you decided to put the suit back on again. For five play coins I can make sure it is put on correctly.”

Dr. Coomer brushes past Bubby and walks into the room, not sharing his partner's stunned reaction at the sight of the suit. 

“Hi Dr. Coomer, I’m pretty sure I used up all my play coins during the boss fight. You’re more than welcome to have a look anyway. I can’t seem to make heads or tails with this part here.” 

Gordon shakes the boot that has been giving him trouble for the past five minutes. Dr. Coomer doesn’t seem interested in helping if play coins are not involved though and moves over to Tommy to sweep him up in a hug that would break the spine of a regular man. Instead it’s Bubby who, after giving Tommy a short pat on the shoulder, marches up to Gordon and sinks down to the floor, grasping the clasps on the boot. 

“Thanks Bubby.”

“Oh shut up! I just don’t want to have to carry you all over Xen just because you can’t even tie your own shoes. And you owe me 5 bucks!”

Although his tone is annoyed there is a hint of worry in Bubby's voice that makes Gordon feel oddly cared for. 

“Why do I owe you money now again?”

Not looking up from his task Bubby holds up a hand, two fingers inches apart. 

“I was _this_ close being right about the one month mark but nOOoooOOooo, you had to be a big piss baby and fuck up the whole love confession. If you don’t kiss that boy the first thing after getting back from Xen I’m taking out your kneecaps.”

Well, the blush is definitely back again and Gordon finds himself gaping like a fish before finally spluttering: “So uhh...Tommy told you about that?”

He glances at Tommy who just shrugs apologetically.

“Yes! You fucked up my good bitch!” Coomer gives him a wide smile and a thumbs up. “But Gordon there really is no need to rush things. I do recommend that you wait at least two more months before making things official with security officer Beepop.”

Finally it clicks into place and Gordon groans into his hands.

“Did you guys make a fucking bet about when me and Benrey would get together?”

He gets two simultaneous answers.

“YES!”

“Hel- Gordon I would never bet on something so crass.”

Tommy saves Gordon from further mocking by asking Dr. Coomer to show the weapons he brought. The old scientist is thankfully more than happy to start talking about the frankly concerning amounts of guns he has managed to stuff into two duffle bags. 

Gordon slowly tunes it out in favour of focusing on the HEV suit. Bubby keeps on helping, muttering under his breath and probably being a bit more rough that he needs to be with the straps and latches. The final part to be secured is the right arm over Gordon's prosthetic. The sawed off edges of the suit are still darkened with dried blood and Gordon notices the slight tremble in Bubby’s hands as he moves them over the arm. He doesn’t say anything about it, the whole betrayal thing is already behind them as far as Gordon is concerned. 

“I didn’t do any work on this model and I sure as hell have never had to put it on manually but you should be able to move in it without it falling apart.” Bubby gives the HEV suit one final check before stepping back to give Gordon a chance to test it out.

Gordon does a few squats, lifts his knees as high as he’s able and rolls his arms back and forth. It feels the same, heavy and cramped but with enough space between the plates to make moving bearable. He hates it with every fiber of his being. 

A hand lands on his shoulder and drags him out of the moment of darkness. Looking to the left he is met with Coomer’s reassuring smile. On his right Tommy touches Gordon’s arm gently, he’s holding his favoured handgun with the same disregard to trigger discipline as usual. Opposite and completing the Science Team huddle stands Bubby, still surveying his work on the suit. 

“Well gentlemen, it seems that the science team is back in action!” Dr. Coomer gives Gordon’s shoulder a small squeez.

“A-almost back in action. We’re still- missing a member.” Tommy corrects gently.

“If one of you had told me a month ago that we’re going back to Xen to save the very person we tried to run away from I would have never believed you.” Gordon tries to hold the nervousness out of his voice.

Looking around and meeting the eyes of his companions Gordon is struck by the realisation that they are looking at him as a leader, that they still see him as the person who led them through both Black Mesa and Xen. He’s not so sure if he still is that person, or if he ever was. As if sensing his insecurity Tommy gives him a reassuring smile. 

“Don’t worry Mr. Freeman, we’re- we know what to expect this time around.”

“Well what you can expect is Gordon fucking it up!” 

It seems like Bubby still holds some grudges over his lost bet.

“Professor Bubby, don’t ruin the moment!

“Doktor!”

“Professor.”

Before the argument has a chance to escalate Tommy interrupts them.

“Are we ready to d-depart?”

Gordon feels his stomach drop at the words. He isn’t ready, not yet. Not that he will ever be of course. But last time he didn’t have a choice of when he was dragged into the hell that was the Resonance Cascade. At least this time around he has a say in when it all starts and he’s going to utilise that. Complete some side quests before the point of no return as Benrey would have put it. 

“Not yet Tommy. I need to gather up some things and make a few calls. You know, if something goes...wrong.”

He doesn’t need to clarify what wrong means in this situation. Not even Bubby complains as he grabs his phone and walks upstairs. 

The first call is to a neighbour he's helped out with cat-sitting a couple of times. He needs someone to make sure N00b is taken care of if he’s disappearing for a week again. He’s not sure how long he’ll be gone this time, he asks for a week and promises to call if the situation changes. Not that there is cell reception on Xen but it’s the best he can do on such short notice. 

The second call is harder to make and he hesitates for several minutes before finally clicking on the contact. 

“Hey there Gordon, didn’t expect you to call this late. Joshua is already in bed.”

“Yeah no, I get that. I actually needed to talk with you about something Martin.”

“Sure man, shoot.”

Gordon hesitates, opens his mouth to speak, closes it again before taking a deep breath.

“Everything ok over there? Is that roommate of yours being a bitch again?”

“No, it’s just...I fucked up and I...I need to leave to fix it.”

“Leave? What do you mean leave?”

He can hear the worry in Martin’s voice and hates himself for subjecting him to this all over again. 

“It’s not for long, I promise but- I might not be able to call for a couple of days.”

“Oh man you had me worried. For a second there I thought you were going to do something dangerous.”

“Aaahah, no nothing bad, I promise. I just wanted to give you a heads up so you don’t think I fell off the face of the earth.” Gordon tries not to cringe at the choice of words. 

“Alright man, I’ll tell Joshua. Call me when you get back?”

“I will, and hug him real tight from me ok?”

“Sure thing, take care.”

Gordon hates that he can’t tell more than this. But a white lie might be better than the truth. Would it really help Martin knowing that the other parent of his child were on a different planet? Knowing that Gordon is away has to be good enough for now. At least now he’ll have some idea if Gordon doesn’t...well doesn’t come back.

He shakes his head and tries to stay clear from that train of thought. It’s ok, they’ve done this before during much worse circumstances. At least this time he hasn’t gone through a week of barely any food or sleep before jumping to another planet. 

That’s the other thing Gordon needs to do before leaving. Xen is not really a place he wants to forage for food on so his next stop is the kitchen where he gathers up some much needed travel rations. Said travel rations are granola bars, a couple of apples, some hastily put together pb&j sandwiches and three bottles of water. He really hopes they are not going to stay on Xen longer than this food lasts. Before heading out of he snags up a bag of Doritos as well. Might be good to have something to remind Benrey of how great earth is. 

In the living room he finds Tommy and Dr. Coomer sorting through ammunition while Bubby seems to be having a staring competition with N00b who’s eyeing him suspiciously from the couch.

“That’s Benrey’s cat, please don’t set her on fire.”

“That’s a cat? Thought it was an overgrown rat or something.”

Said overgrown rat gives Bubby a withering look before dashing out of the room. 

Going through his mental checklist Gordon can’t find any more preparation that needs to be done. Which means there is no reason to put off their departure any longer. He turns to Tommy and tries his best to keep the nervousness out of his voice. 

“I think it’s time.” 

Tommy looks up from the pile of ammunition in front of him before carelessly shoving them back into one of the duffle back.

“You g-got everything you need Mr. Freeman?”

“I think so.”

Gordon gives his living room a last look. His eyes land on Benrey’s hoodie, he picks it up and puts it in the bag. No more delays, he's ready.

“Alright fuckers, let’s GO!” Bubby hollers, striking a pose like an old time adventurer. 

“Loo- Bubby dearest, Tommy has to open the portal first.”

“I know that Harold!”

Tommy smiles at the gathered science team, motioning them to back up slightly. His eyes are shining with the same unnatural glow as earlier as he makes a sweeping gesture with his arm. 

“A-alright. One portal to Xen c-coming right up.”

The distortion of time and space is similar to the one Gordon has seen G-man perform but at the same time it’s very different. He doesn’t know if one can call a portal to another planet friendly but for some reason it’s the only way Gordon can describe the thing that opens up against the back wall of his living room. Its edges sparkle in a yellow hue, not unlike the sparks from a firework. Nothing can be seen through it, a bright sheen blocking the view of anything that might be lurking on the other side. 

“Holy fuck.” Gordon breathes out as he meets Tommy's brightly shining eyes. 

“You can say that again.” Bubby mutters as he shoves his way past Gordon, dragging Dr. Coomer with him. “We’ll go through first, make sure it safe so you don’t fuck up the landing.”

He’ll never really understand Bubby’s aggressive version of caring but Gordon appreciates it nonetheless. 

“Be careful.” He offers in lieu of thanks. 

“Don’t worry Gordon, nobody fucks with the-” Dr. Coomer’s declaration is abruptly cut off as Bubby drags them both through the portal. 

Laughing slightly at the odd pair Tommy holds out a hand towards Gordon who only hesitates for a second before accepting the offer. Walking hand in hand toward the Portal, he tries to not think of how different it feels from holding Benrey’s hand. 

“You ready Mr. Freeman?” 

Gordon does his best to match Tommy’s smile but he’s sure it comes off more like a grimace. 

“No, but let's do it anyway.”

Tommy squeezes his hand once and Gordon takes one final deep breath before closing his eyes and plunging through. 

\---

Somewhere in Xen there is a small pop and a bright yellow light. Deeper down, in a cavern filled with red liquid, something large stirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everybody! Let's begin this year with something a bit more hopeful albeit not very exciting. You'll have to wait for things to pop off until chapter 15 and 16 ;) 
> 
> I indulged a bit and leaned into my love for frenreylatta in this chapter. Don't worry if that's not your thing, this fic will continue being purely frenrey. I just feel that Tommy is a very loving person and also an integral part in both Gordon and Benrey's lives at this point. Although he deserves so much better than the disaster gays I've created in this fic XD. Maybe next fic I'll indulge fully in it. 
> 
> Also! I had to add two more chapters again, seems like my end game keep expanding XD I just don't to rush anything and I do hope you'll enjoy reading a bit more anyway ;) 
> 
> I can never thank you enough for all the kindness and support, for the kudos, comments and all the amazing fan art! Starting to write "Becoming Human" was the best thing I did during 2020. Let's hope 2021 is a kinder year towards all of us. Stay safe out there.
> 
> Edit: Look at the amazing fan art!  
> https://une-nightshade.tumblr.com/post/639186341352161280/todaytomorrowgiraff-some-drawing-of-my-favorite
> 
> https://tothetoonandback.tumblr.com/post/639628226366488576/oh-youve-read-the-becomign-human-fic-name-every


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: slight body horror (Benrey shapeshifts but nothing too graphic is described)

As space bends around him, the last thing Benrey sees is Gordon’s face, frozen in time and with eyes that seem to scream. He tries to not think about why he would make that face. It doesn’t matter anyway, Benrey’s mind is made up. He tried to not be bad, he tried to be good, he tried to be a friend. It didn’t work. Benrey still is and will _always_ be the bad guy. And why wouldn’t he? He’s not human after all. Even if he for a short while pretended to be one, let himself believe that he could be more than just a specimen, the entity... an alien freak from Xen. But there is no point in pretending, Gordon proved that. What’s the point of trying if you’re going to be treated like an experiment anyway. Might as well take G-man’s stupid offer to go back to Xen, back...home?

When the distortion clears a shockwave runs through his system. Benrey gasps in a deep breath and it’s like he’s able to breathe again, like all the while he was away from Black Mesa and Xen he’s been trying to breathe underwater. He faintly recognizes this feeling, last time they went to Xen he’d experienced something similar. But what had then been like opening a door is now a flood, filling him and expanding in every direction. Every single nerve in his body is buzzing with electricity, he can sense every frequency, every pulse in the air around him. 

This form isn’t _enough_. Benrey feels himself start to shapeshift without barely having to think about it. He grows larger, more eyes, more limbs. Need to see, need to feel and to stretch out and exist in more ways than he’s ever done before. He’s not sure how his body looks like now, he doesn’t need to know. Benrey doesn’t exist for anyone else, this form is for him and him alone. 

When he finally finishes growing Benrey takes a moment to survey his new kingdom. Because that is what this is, what _Benrey_ is. The absolute ruler of these domains, the apex predator that hunts and strikes fear in all that surrounds him. A monster pure and simple. 

Before him Xen stretches out, vast and empty. The floating islands make out most of the landmass and on them he can sense countless little lifeforms. Their life shines like stars in his mind while at the same time he can smell, hear and taste them on the air. His teeth itch and claws he didn’t even know he had unsheeths from countless fingers. 

“I take it that you are...happy with this arrangement?”

Eyes manifold turn their gaze to the now very small man standing on a floating island nearby. Right, G-man is still around. 

“Yeah, super poggers dude. No complaints here.”

“I hope you’ll honour our deal and...stay here where you _belong_ , and do not attempt to...return to earth.”

It’s hard focusing on the little thing prattling along by his feet, there is so much more interesting stuff Benrey wants to do right now.

“Sure, whatever man.”

“It’s of the utmost importance-”

Ok that’s enough, Benrey is bored now. He does not want to stand around and listen to G-man of all people, not when he has a planet to explore. Lowering himself down he fixates on the costume clad man with a thousand-eyed stare.

“You’re not supposed to be here. Do you have a passport?”

“I just want to make sure that-”

A massive hand swipes out, trying to punt the annoying man from the island. Benrey only strikes air though, as G-man swiftly appears on a platform higher up. He straightens his tie with an uncharacteristic look of annoyance on his face. 

“I’ll just… take my leave then. I hope we will not meet again, entity.”

And with that he’s gone and Benrey can finally enjoy the world that is his kingdom.

And enjoy it he does!

He starts by terrorizing the local wildlife. He can feel them move about all over Xen, little scurrying things with quick and nervous heartbeats, bigger lumbering creatures with heavy footsteps and slow movements. Lots of fun stuff to try out his new mods on. Benrey can feel his body shift again, becoming smaller and leaner, more room for teeth and claws, it’s like it already _knows_ what’s needed. 

Stalking through the tall grass and watching his preys’ every move is _exhilarating_. Knowing that they can’t see him, tasting the fear on the air when they feel the presence of a predator, of him. When Benrey leaps it’s pure instinct that drives him, his body moving on its own as he takes down one of the big gnat-like creatures that roams this particular island. It’s a real pro-gamer move, super cool. Gordon would be so impressed if he saw him right now. 

No wait, that isn’t right. Feetman doesn’t care, why would he? Shaking himself, he tries to dislodge the stupid human from his thoughts. Benrey is a solo player, he doesn’t need anyone else. 

It doesn't take long after that for the novelty of the hunt to wear off though. After a couple of tries Benrey realizes that it really isn’t a challenge hunting things on Xen, not even the Golem ape can put up much of a fight when you have the power to swallow them whole if you want to. Not like they taste good or anything, not as good as pizza and hamburgers that’s for sure. 

He tries just killing things and putting them in a big murder piles but that also looses its charm after a while. And his stupid brain keeps reminding him of how N00b wiggles her tail before leaping after a toy, they apparently share some hunting techniques. Stupid earth and its stupid perfect animals.

But Xen has animals too, he’ll just have to make do with what's here. Benrey’s next project is trying to train the peeper puppies. It’d only taken him a couple of days to get N00b to respond to her name. Peeper puppies are much larger than a cat and should naturally be more intelligent, right? 

Apparently that is not the case. Peeper puppies are stupider than your average lame-ass NPC. After having to throw a fifth one over the edge of a floating island, Benrey gives up on his career as a peeper pupper whisperer. To his defence they _did_ try to maul him. 

Instinctively Benrey’s hand moves towards his pocket, a thought in the back of his head telling him to take a picture and send it to Gordon. Only when his hands reaches the empty pocket of his sweat pants does he remember that he left his phone on earth and that Feetman can go fuck himself.

He hates how easy his mind jumps to Gordon, can’t even watch the stupid stars without thinking of his stupid face. It sucks and he hates it! He wants...he _needs_ to forget all about him.

There are still many things to explore so after some moping Benrey decides to take in the sights. Last time he was here he mostly ran after the science team and didn’t really get a good look at the place he is allegedly from. 

It only takes Benrey around an hour to decide that Xen is boring to look at. It’s mostly greys and… weird shades of grays. Some luminous plants hold his attention for a moment but when he gets the sudden impulse to find Tommy and show it to him Benrey decides to keep moving. 

At least Tommy is ok, G-man had reassured him as much when Benrey confronted him about it during their talk. Nothing had happened to Tommy, he was just...too busy. At the time Benrey had been mostly relieved to hear that everything was fine, that Tommy was ok. But as his thoughts settled a new feeling emerged inside him, anger.

So Tommy had just not given a rats ass about their many calls and texts? Leaving Benrey and the rest of the science team to worry about him. It really didn’t sound like Tommy but what did Benrey know, really. In the end he’d only known a scientist who had worked with a specimen from Xen. Didn’t matter if they spent years together gaming and shit. Didn’t matter that for the longest time he’d been Benrey’s only friend. In the end he was just another scientist, just like the others at Black Mesa, just like Feetman. All they ever cared for was stupid experiments, everything else was just bullshit. Thinking that they cared just because they hung out and said some nice things was a mistake, a mistake Benrey won’t do again.

There is a tightness in his chest as he floats between the islands. So many feelings mixing up inside him in a vomit inducing mess. He opens his maw to sing them out, make them leave and dissipate into space. The tone is low and vibrating, a side effect of having vocal cords the size of doors. What comes out of him is not the golden rye of sadness nor the candy red of anger. Instead it’s...nothing. Just empty bubbles filled with none of the feelings storming inside. 

He gives it another go, focuses on the anger that burns like a flame in his chest. What comes out only looks like soap bubbles without the rainbow sheen. Just sad little balls of emptiness. 

Great! So he finally gets his powers back and of course his Sweet Voice breaks, well that’s _just_ great! Can’t have nothing on Xen! 

Suddenly he can’t stand the thought of being out in the open anymore. If he were at hom- at Feetman’s place he would have retreated to his- the guest room and hidden in the bed for a while. But there are no beds on Xen, nor rooms for that matter. Only stupid underground caverns and…and the only place Benrey really belongs.

It doesn’t take long for him to find the right island as it is significantly bigger than all the other ones, its underside bloating out like a mountain flipped upside down. He doesn’t bother with the labyrinth of tunnels that sprawls throughout the whole thing, choosing to no-clip down into the giant chamber where he’d last died. 

Benrey almost expects to find his last body down there. Giant, deformed and probably rapidly turning into a skeleton. Luckily no such gruesome sight awaits him in the vast red space that is the final boss fight chamber. It looks just as he remembers it. A vast open space, walls dripping with the same red liquid that covers the floor. The cavern is illuminated by a strange light from some unknown source that doesn’t reach all the way up, hiding the top of it in shadows. Even being this tall the ceiling still stretches far above him.

This is where he should be. The bad guy waiting for the heroes at the end of the journey. That’s what Benrey had thought last time he’d chosen this place. Feetman had wanted so badly to have someone to blame, someone to fight…it might as well be Benrey. Because _of course_ he was the bad guy, it only made sense. The second they’ve gotten to Xen his true nature had been revealed, not a human but a giant monster. He hadn’t even been able to stop himself from hunting them, _hurting_ them. Because that’s who Benrey is. An apex predator, the king of Xen, the ultimate evil in Gordon’s story. Bad guys don’t get to kiss the hero in the end, everybody knows that. 

He slumps down on the wet floor, leaning against the damp wall. It should be uncomfortable and cold but he hasn’t really felt anything since coming here. It’s odd having god mode back but still remembering how to feel, how it _should_ feel. Pressing a claw against his palm, Benrey watches a wound open and close before even a drop of blood spills. Just a couple of hours ago that would have hurted like a bitch. Would have needed to put some teal on that or maybe even asked Feetman to…

Benrey shakes that thought out of his head. Stop. Thinking. About. Gordon. Bad guys don’t get healing magic, not teal green heal beam or stupid band aids and softly spoken words. A hand subconsciously moves to a spot on one of the many arms. All the others are identical but this is one of his original two, the OG right. Just below the bend of the arm is a scar, skin raised enough to feel it if you run a finger over it. He can shape shift it away now if he wants to. Make the arm look just like his many others. 

The arm drop back down against his side, the mark unshaped and untouched. 

He’s not tired, not really. Sleep is nothing this form needs anymore. But over the last month it has become a habit, and an escape. Maybe that’s what he needs right now, a short paus from all this, feeling into the dreams and nothingness of sleep for a while. Closing his eyes Benrey lets his mind wander, yet again failing to keep it away from earth and its inhabitants. He falls asleep to the memory of playing Heavenly Sword with Gordon sleeping on the couch beside him. 

In his dreams there are colours. First a flash of yellow, followed by green and blue close together. Soon they are joined by a yellow bright enough to be a sun and a patch of orange that for some reason makes his heart ache.

Deeper down, in a cavern filled with red liquid, Benrey stirs in his sleep. 

\---

Xen is just as strangely beautiful as Gordon remembers it. It’s terrifying of course, with its giant chasms of space between the floating islands and the myriad of creatures that only want to claw him to pieces. But the spaces between the islands are filled with stars in constellations he’s never seen before and the creatures on Xen move around among plantlife and structures unlike anything found on earth. The beauty to be found here is one of unknowing and exploration. However afraid he is of this place there is a part within Gordon that, as a scientist, has him fascinated by it all. 

Looking at his companions Gordon guesses that he’s not alone in this feeling. Bubby is standing at the edge of the island, eyes fixed upon the star speckled sky. Beside him and hunched over sits Dr. Coomer, gingerly poking at a small luminescent plant that brightens every time he touches it. 

It’s a stark difference from the last time they arrived, with Bubby missing and the threat of Benrey literally looming over them. Under different circumstances exploring Xen with the science team might even have been fun. 

“Are y-you ok Mr. Freeman?”

Jerking out of his thoughts Gordon realises that he’s been staring out into space. He can’t afford to be all introspective right now, he needs to take charge, be the leader. 

“Don’t worry about me Tommy, I’m alright.” 

He gives Tommy’s hand one last squeeze before letting it go, walking over to where the two older scientists stand. 

“You guys ready to take on Xen one more time?”

Dr. Coomer looks up at him with a smile that is mostly teeth and wrinkles. 

“Hello Gord- I think we are more than ready.”

“Yeah! Let’s go fuck up some aliens!” Bubby chimes in, hands flaring up in a sudden burst of fire.

“A-and save Benrey!” 

“Seems like we have a plan then.” Gordon surveys the landscape before him, trying to recognize anything. “Uuhh, where do we start?” Not the most leader-like question but one that needs to be asked. He has no clue how to even begin to look after Benrey. The space between the islands is noticeably free from giant security guards.

“You didn’t think of that before we jumped to another fucking planet?”

“Oh I’m sorry, do _you_ have any experience in finding run-away aliens that I don’t know of Bubby? Because if you do please feel free to share with the class.”

Gordon doesn’t mean to snap but the accusation goes straight to his already growing insecurity in the role forced upon him. He _knows_ he hasn’t thought this through, he’d barely taken enough time to make the most minimal preparations before dragging the science team off through a portal. Hell, he hadn’t even _asked_ Bubby and Dr. Coomer if they were ok with coming on the mission, only assuming their willingness to risk their life to fix his mistake...again. 

He clenches his fist and tries to will down the familiar feeling of panic growing in his head and chest. If there ever was a bad time for a panic attack it would be now. 

“I might- I think I know where he could be.”

Thank god for Tommy! Gordon can feel relief flood his body at the words. He can always depend on him when things feel dark and impossible. 

“Oh, where to buddy?”

Tommy doesn’t answer, only points, with his gun nonetheless, towards something behind Gordon’s back. For a second Gordon hopes to turn around and find Benrey looming over him but there are only more floating islands. 

It takes him a moment to spot what Tommy points to, something very familiar in the distance that makes the knot in his chest turn to dread and drop like a led balloon in his stomach. There is an island, much larger than the smaller one surrounding it, seemingly emanating a strange red light. There is no question in Gordon’s mind that this is the same place where, barely a month ago, the final boss fight had gone down.

“Do you really think he would go back there?”

"I- I'm afraid so Mr. Freeman”

“But why would he-" Gordon interrupts himself as a heart crushing thought suddenly springs to his mind.

Memories of Benrey’s weird, disjointed speech back during the final fight are replaying in his head. _‘I was ‘sposed to be nice but you forced me to be bad so I’m gonna be bad.’_ It echoes together with the last thing Benrey had said to him before storming off and returning to Xen. _‘You still think- I’m the big bad!’_. 

“Does- does Benrey think he’s evil?” 

Tommy just looks at Gordon and the sadness and worry in his eyes says more than any words ever could. 

“That’s fucking stupid.” Bubby points out “He really thinks you’d let him crash at your place for a month if he was still a bad guy?”

“Well my dear, you have to remember Gordon fucked it up. Being rejected can do awful things to a person's self esteem.” 

Burying his face in his hands Gordon groans.

“Thank you Dr. Coomer, I don’t need any reminders of that right now.”

“Are you going to wallow in self pity the rest of the day or are we going to that cave or not?”

Pulling his tattered feelings together somehow Gordon straightens up, surveying the path ahead.

“Alright, yes let’s go. Dr. Coomer, do you have something for me to shoot with in one of those duffle bags?”

“I sure do Gordon!” 

Gordon barely manages to catch the shotgun being thrown at him and totally misses the crowbar which hits him in the chest and falls clattering to the ground.

“Ow.”

“Oh whatever Dr. Pussy, it’s not like you even felt that.”

“Hey, your boyfriend has a good throwing arm ok, Bubby.”

The smile Bubby gives him sends the clear message that Gordon is on thin ice so he chooses to shut up and gear up instead. 

The travel towards the mountain is a tedious and slow one. The low gravity makes the traversal between the island a bit easier but it still takes most of Gordon’s strength to clear every jump. Several times he narrowly escapes death only with the help from one of his teammates. There are considerably less things to fight this time around though. Many of the islands seem cleared out of the usual deadly aliens that had swarmed at every turn last time they were here. At one point they even find a couple of dead gnats, piled up haphazardly into a pile. Gordon shudders at the thought of what could possibly have done such a thing.

There are still some things to fight, flocks of peeper puppies inhabit some islands but Tommy almost single-handedly takes care of it before the rest of the team have time to raise their guns. His accuracy and speed makes Gordon suspect that there might be alien powers involved. He chooses not to comment on it nor that the yellow glow in Tommy’s eyes are back. 

At least Bubby seems to be having fun. The older scientist has a grand time setting things on fire at every available opportunity. Gordon discreetly asks Dr. Coomer about it while Bubby is distracted doing his best mad scientist cackle and chasing away a flock of peeper puppies Tommy hasn’t gotten to yet.

“Oh I think my dearest Bubby might have been a bit bored after our adventures together. Even with the whole world to discover I think he has been missing killing things together with his friends.”

“Really? Bubby sees me as a friend?”

“Hello- yes, of course he does Gordon.”

The thought is actually quite heartwarming and Gordon finds himself smiling while watching Bubby hoot and holler at the fleeing peeper puppies. Maybe when they all get back to earth he can introduce the science team to the concept of laser tag. 

Things get tougher when they finally reach the big island and descend into the sprawling tunnels within it. They have barely stepped inside when Gordon hears the sound of Dr. Coomer’s voice. 

“Look Gordon, ropes!”

“Coomer don’t you fucking dare-” But the warning threat comes a little bit too late.

“Help me Gordon!”

Luckily Gordon doesn’t even have to raise his gun before a stream of fire burns the tongue of the barnacle to a crisp, dropping Dr. Coomer into Bubby's awaiting arms.

“Harold, you know I love you but if you don’t stop getting trapped by those I will carry you the rest of the fucking way.”

“Ah professor Bubby, it was only in jest, for old times sake you know.”

“Doctor.”

“Professor.”

Gordon let’s the two old love birds bicker as they carry on down the tunnels. Slowing his pace slightly he joins Tommy in the back of the group. He's been unusually quiet since they started the journey, the look of concern never leaving his face.

“You doing ok Tommy?”

“No. I’m worried.”

“About Benrey?”

“Yeah, I’d hope we would find him out in th-the open. It’s not good to- Benrey doesn’t like feeling cornered. He l-lashes out, and I- I don’t want it to turn into a fight like last t-time. 

Dread washes over Gordon like someone has upturned a bucket of ice water over him. He hasn’t even considered that they might have to fight Benrey. The memory of the knife incident now playing on loop in Gordon’s head. 

He can’t hurt Benrey again, he _won’t_...

They don’t get the chance to speak about it further as the sound of gunshots can be heard from around the bend where Bubby and Dr. Coomer just disappeared. Running towards the sounds they find they two older scientists engaged in a fight against a herd of golem apes. They’ve already managed to down two and with the help of Tommy and a couple of lucky shots from Gordon they kill the rest of them as well. 

“Is it just me or are there more enemies down here?” Gordon tries and fails to clean off his glasses with the glove of his suit, a stress reaction from his college days that he never really got rid off. 

“Yeah, let’s make- we need to be sure to be careful. When we g-get closer to the boss chamber please try not to- not to shoot at things.”

“Why the fuck not?” Bubby seems most unwilling to give up his new favourite pastime of filling Xen creatures with bullets. 

“B-because we don’t want to- to give Benrey th-the wrong idea of why we are here.”

The implications of what Tommy is saying shuts up any further protest that the science team might have. 

As they get closer to their final destination they try to find alternative ways to defend themself. Bubby and Coomer having a much easier time than Gordon with fire powers and body enhancement respectively. Even Tommy seems to find ways to kill even the larger golem apes without as much raising his gun and Gordon can’t for his life figure out how he’s doing it. 

The thing obviously holding them back is Gordon. _‘As usual’_ a dark part of his brain adds. Only having his crowbar to rely on Gordon can barely take care of a peeper puppy, anything larger than that he has to rely on the team for. The similarities to the time he didn’t have his arm are not lost on him. 

It’s pathetic, _he’s_ pathetic. If he can’t even be a proper team leader what chances does he have to talk Benrey down? And what if Benrey _does_ lash out like Tommy fears he will? How will he protect his friends without hurting Benrey? Gordon has already failed him so much, if he hurts Benrey again… The thought makes him want to vomit. 

When they finally arrive at the giant red portal leading into the final chamber Gordon is a mess. He’s of breath and the adrenaline running through his body is toppling him towards a panic attack faster than he can calm himself. He struggles to breathe in the suit, suddenly sweating bullets as the noise around his turns into a static hiss. He doesn’t even notice that he’s gripping the crowbar like a drowning man until he feels someone gently coax it out of his hands. 

“Mr. Freeman, are you- can you look at me please.”

Dragging his eyes from where they have been staring down at the ground he meets the soft glow in Tommy’s eyes. 

“It’s going to be ok.”

Gordon tries to speak but the only thing escaping him is a high pitch whine that only makes him hate himself even more.

“It’s not...only up t-to you Mr.- Gordon. We’re a t-team.”

“Yeah we are!” Bubby chimes in “You don’t think I’ll let that little bastard lock himself back up in his metaphorical tube do you? Also he needs to be back on earth if I’m going to win this bet.”

A bottle of water is pressed into Gordon’s hand. He grips it while slowly getting his breathing back under control. 

“Gordon, for zero play coins you can activate the super hug feature.”

Wheezing out a quiet laugh Gordon turns to Dr. Coomer.

“I accept that transaction.”

It seems the super hug feature includes more than a hug from just Dr. Coomer as Tommy also wraps his long arms around Gordon. Bubby doesn’t join the group hug to start with but begrudgingly pats Gordon on the shoulder after getting glared at by both Tommy and Coomer. 

“Thanks guys. I-I needed that.” Whipping a few stray tears from his eyes Gordon turns towards the portal. “Right, who’s ready to go in there and get Benrey back?!”

The answering yell echoes throughout the tunnels. 

One the other side of the portal, countless eyes open up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys are back on Xen! I will admit that I had a lot of fun writing full monster Benrey, you can really go ham with the adjectives. Are you guys ready for boss battle 2.0 next week then? The big confrontation of two idiots who are bad at talking , one monster sized and one armed with weapons. Nothing can go wrong with that combo...right? 
> 
> I did take some liberties on the geography of Xen. The OG place is kinda minimalistic so I took some inspiration from the Black Mesa version of Xen and added my own spin on it.
> 
> Again, thank you so much for the love and support you give me each week. Please check out the notes on some of the previous chapters for some amazing fanart. I even got some for chapter 1 a week back, how cool isn't that?! 
> 
> Also if you're on tumblr you might wanna give me a follow. I post little teasers there every week and some other fun and silly HLVRAI stuff. 
> 
> See you next week!
> 
> Edit: Fan art of this chaper!  
> https://une-nightshade.tumblr.com/post/640262503134265344/so-todaytomorrowgiraff-love-the-newest-chapter


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Slight Body horror (Benrey manifesting body parts)

Benrey dreams about colours and sounds. Sweet voice swirl around him but he can’t recognize any of their meanings. At least not until they turn grey for just a moment before fading into spheres of glass that fall and shatter on the ground around him. He tries to catch them but his arms are gone, cut off right by the elbows. 

Then there are shouts, angry voices and gunshots. People in bright orange HEV suits hunt him over the desolated landscape of Xen. He tries no-clipping to escape but his powers are gone, his powers are gone… again? This has happened before hasn’t it? At least parts of it. The realisation makes the dream fall apart, shift and reassemble itself into a memory. 

A cavern, blood red and massive. Four people shouting, guns that hurt even though they should not. Words that hurt even though they should not. He grabs at the brightest spot he can find, someone clad in an orange HEV suit. As he lifts Gordon up towards him there is an apology on Benrey’s lips. Maybe if he just  _ talks  _ for once it will all get better. But the words wither and die when he sees the disgust on Gordon’s face. He jolts back and in the sudden movement the tiny figure slips from his grip. As Gordon falls he shouts something and Benrey tries to hear what it is but a chorus of sweet voice drowns out all other sounds

And then Benrey wakes up. At least he thinks he does.

This isn’t his room. There is no bed, no chair piled with laundry he hasn't bothered with putting away, no window that lets in the light from outside. There is no N00b sleeping peacefully beside him nor the sound of someone making breakfast. This is not home. This is still Xen, still the blood red boss chamber and he’s still…

His train of thought gets interrupted by something calling for attention on the edge of his still sleep-hazy mind. Four bright spots of colour linger just outside the portal leading into the chamber. It’s been over a month since he’s been able to register their presence like this and now they’re just outside. A heart that doesn’t need to beat skips one as he recognises them. It’s the science team. 

Why are they here? What do they want with him? They shouldn't be here!

An instinct older than time whispers in the back of his head, ‘ _ danger’ _ . They are entering Benrey’s territory,  _ his _ domain. Intruding. They shouldn’t be here, not allowed. Must scare them off. Defend.  _ Defend. _

Benrey’s body knows what it needs. A curling sensation shoots through his muscles as he morphs, changes and expands to an intimidating stature. More claws, more fangs and more danger. Be intimidating, be scary.  _ Unbeatable monster. _

The moment they emerge in the chamber Benrey can taste it.  _ Fear _ . 

They’re all dripping with it at the sight of him. Small little things trembling at his feet, too afraid to even look at him proper. The deep and primal thing in the back of his mind whispers a new word.  _ Prey. _

Innumerable sets of yellow eyes fixate on the bright orange figure. Gordon looks like shit. His hair is frizzy and slipping loose from his ponytail. A deep purple has etched circles under his eyes, making him look drained.  _ Weak. _

Benrey can almost see the panic radiating off him in waves. Scared little human afraid of big bad Benny?  _ Good _ . As he should be. 

“Yo! You’re not allowed to be here. I hope you brought your passport this time Feetman.” Leave.  _ Leave. Leave! _

“Benrey I- we just want to talk.” 

There is a distinct tremble in Gordon’s voice.  _ Lunge. Attack. _ But he won’t. Benrey has to control himself. Get the squishy humans to leave before he has to hurt them. Gordon’s scared. It won’t be hard. 

“Kinda fucked up for you to come here. You with your whole feet brigade- you’re mean. Don’t- I don’t have to listen to you.”  _ Not friends. Enemies. _

“Please I- I just want to say-”

“What bro? What you gonna say to me huh?”  _ Shut up. Shut up! _

“I’m trying to-”   


“To what… Feetman? You keep...uuhhh keep talking and not saying anything. Too afraid? Little chicken hat baby? Gonna stay a little pissbaby shaking in your boots?”

“I’M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE OK! Fuck Benrey, why are you making this so hard?”

A sneer forms on Benrey’s face. To really broadcast his feelings he manifests a second mouth to sneer with as well. 

“Ya keep doing that Feetman. Keep- keep apologizing for shit.” He distorts his voice in a mocking imitation of Gordon's. “Nyeh nyeh...I’m sorry for- for stabbing you Benrey. Sorry for yelling and shit. I’ll try to be better or whatever...” Dropping the voice Benrey falls back to his usual monotone. “You’re sorry for acting like a- a shit friend? For...for experimenting on your best bro? What if I don’t wanna be your bro anymore? Sorry you didn’t kiss me? Why would- I don’t want that anymore. That train has- has sailed! Sank in the sea! So get the  _ fuck _ away from me!”  _ Hurt. Betrayed. _

A multitude of eyes stare Gordon down, perceiving  _ everything _ . The way the blood rushes through Gordon’s body, rising to his face in flush. His eyes narrow as they look down, glaring at the blood like substance pooling around his feet. Both hands, metallic and flesh clench at his side as the sour taste of fear in the air mixes with bitter anger.

Good. Feetman  _ should _ be angry, should be sad and afraid. He should feel every single thing that tears Benrey apart. Again he has to hold back the urge to strike out, to hurt with more than words. He’s running out of time. Gotta make them leave before he’s swept away by the ancient being inside of him. It wants nothing more than to tear them to pieces.  _ Destroy _ .

Gordon takes a deep breath, steadying himself before looking back up at Benrey. 

“I fucked up Benrey, I fucked up in so many ways. And- I’m sorry. I can’t defend my actions. You have all the right to be angry at me... but that doesn’t mean-”

Stupid Feetman still doesn’t get it. Gotta push harder then. Make him understand. 

“Can’t you just shut up ‘buddy’? You- you’re doing it again. Keep saying words- they don’t even _mean_ anything! Don’t you understand? I don’t _care_ about you anymore. Everytime I try to talk you never listen… Thinking you know me. Assuming- You’re so fuckin’ mean! You fucked up the play-through! No achievements, using cheats to get whatcha want outta me- Leave me alone! Just LEAVE!” 

He stomps his giant foot once, the whole cave shaking from the impact. The few eyes that aren’t focused on Gordon sees something jump. Bubby draws his gun only for it to be promptly snatched away by Dr. Coomer and chucked into oblivion. Strong extendo arms restricts an angrily hissing Bubby, stopping any further violent reactions from the man. 

Gordon glances over at Tommy, a look of helplessness on his face. Squaring his shoulders, Tommy takes a step towards Benrey. 

No. That’s not fair! Putting Tommy against him... He can’t be mean to Tommy… probably. Shifting several eyes, Benrey looks down on his (former?) friend. 

“Hi Benrey.”

“...”

“I m-missed you.”

The soft spoken words make Benrey jerk back, wrapping arms upon arms around himself.

“No. You- don’t lie. You disappeared. I worried about you dude! 

He punctuates the sentence with a burst of sweet voice. Clear bubbles spill from his lips, no colour or meaning filling them. 

“Why is he blowing bubbles at us?” Bubby’s much too loud voice echoes throughout the cave.

“Bubby, you know I love you but shut the fuck.” Coomer seems to be trying to speak quietly but it comes out more like a theatre whisper. Benrey would probably have heard it even if Coomer had perfect volume control. 

“What did you- Benrey, what h-happened to your sweet voice? It hasn’t b-been like this since- you were really sad back then. A-are you okay?”

“You can’t- don’t act like you care! We’re not friends anymore-”

“Of c-course we are-”

“Don’t  _ fuckin’ _ lie to me!” Benrey doesn’t shout, not really, but the words still boom throughout the cave, making all of the little humans jump. “I’m the big bad...I don’t have friends. Don’t have any friends!”  _ Don’t have anyone. Alone. _

The smell of fear in the air grows thicker. It’s different from the scent of the creatures he’s hunted before. That was just a matter of survival, to run from the big scary thing. This fear is from people who know Benrey, know who he is. Not the predator but the person. It’s familiar.  _ Too intimate. Too much.  _

“You shouldn't have come here bro. M’ the boss, level 100 on hard mode.” 

He hunches down, adopting the same crouched down position he’d used during his hunt. Hands sinking down in the red water, eyes fixated on his former friends.  _ Prey.  _

“Better run now... gonna getcha if ya’ don’t.” 

A giant arm raises high in the air, hovering still. 

He gives the science team a moment to react, to flee before things get serious. But they just stand there like a flock of dumb peeper puppies. Can’t say Benrey didn’t warn them. 

The arm comes down, aiming to throw anything in its way. Fling the traitors and imposters into the hard cavern wall. He doesn’t want to hurt them. At least not too bad, not yet. There’s still some amount of control. This is just a teaser, a demo version of what he can do. They’ll run now, finally understand that they can’t reason with a monster. 

Benrey’s many eyes register several things at once. Coomer hauls Bubby and himself out of the way, sprinting and ducking in behind a large rock. For a second Tommy’s eyes flashes yellow before an anguished look passes over his face. He too dives out of the way from the oncoming assault. 

The bright orange spot stands firm among a sea red, arms outstretched and waiting. 

Waiting for what? Why isn’t Gordon running? If he doesn’t- He’s gonna get… 

“Mr. Freeman, look out!”

“Gordon, the hand’s coming right for you! Look out!”

“Run for fucks sake!”

Gordon doesn't move, he stands still, eyes fixed on Benrey.

Benrey activates no-clip mode right before impact, his arm passing through and leaving Gordon unharmed. The momentum of the swing goes too wide and Benrey loses his balance. He comes crashing down face first into the ground, disturbing the calm red water and spraying it everywhere. All his eyes close for a second, trying to protect themself from the water. Lifting his head slowly, Benrey opens his eyes to find himself face to face with Gordon. They look at each other for a moment, green eyes meeting endless yellow. 

“You won’t hurt me.” Gordon’s voice might be steady but fear is still radiating off him in waves.

“Yeah I will! Got damage turned up, can smash you like a lego.”

“No, you won’t. You said so yourself, remember?”

Of course Benrey remembers. It had been during their visit to the aquarium. He’d told him that after Feetman got scared of the sharks. Because they...shit, the sharks had reminded Gordon of this. He’d understood back then that Benrey’s dangerous. Why is this different?

“Not the same. ‘M a monster now. Gotta- gotta do monster things...” He pauses to smack his lips in a very non-monsterlike way. “You’re afraid of me!”

Gordon gives a weak chuckle.

“Of course I’m afraid Benrey. But it doesn’t matter, my brain is stupid and gets afraid of all kinds of shit, things I can’t deal with.” His eyes soften, a small smile playing on his face. “I can deal with you.”

A flush rises to his face at the words and Benrey desperately tries to get his sudden scattered thought back into some kind of order. This is not going as planned. Gotta get back on track, say something mean. 

“Yeah well...you ain't shit Gordon Deal…man.”  _ Bad! Embarrassing! Stupid! _

Gordon’s laugh echoes through the cavern, breathy and loud. It tastes sweet, much better than the fear and anger did. The thing inside Benrey retreats, curls itself in the back of his mind. Danger averted, for now at least. 

A tiny hand lands on the side of his nose. Benrey has to cross a few eyes to make them focus on Gordon standing in front of him. Not a very scary look he realizes as Gordon snorts at the sight. 

“Yo dude, you totally ruined my flow. Was on a roll over here. Go back to being scared, please and thank you?”

“I’d rather not, don’t think my body can handle any more adrenaline right now.”

“It’s my job though. Need to be big, mad and mean. Gotta- gotta make sure you leave before I hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt us.”

“Yeah I will… I have to. Because I’m bad...” 

The hand on his nose strokes gently up and down, as if Benrey is a scared animal in need of soothing. He can’t feel it, not really, but the action still floods him with a warmth that is both comforting and frustrating at the same time.

“Is that what you think? That you’re bad?”

“Thought you were supposed to be smart, Feetman. Why don’t you use that Peh Eish Dee and figure it out?”

There is a silence stretching out between them, the only sound heard is the dripping of liquid and soft splashes. Benrey should get up, get angry and chase them out, but he doesn’t want to... He stays laying down, keeps letting Gordon touch him. 

Stupid humans with their stupid words and soft hands.

“I brought you some stuff from home, if you wanna have a look. Think you need to size down a bit though. Can you do that?”

The tone Gordon is using is the same one he had comforted Benrey with during the panic attack. Soft and searching, matching the way he’s touching him. 

With a sigh Benrey concentrates inwards, trying to remember what a smaller version of himself feels like. It’s much harder shrinking down than it is growing. His body resists the changes, not agreeing with the danger being over. As a compromise he keeps the extra arms and eyes. 

Pocket Monster Benrey. 

It’s not cool to laugh at your own jokes so Benrey keeps it in even though it’s really funny.

\---

As the giant form shrinks down Gordon lets out a shaky breath. It worked, it had been the riskiest gamble of his life but it worked! He’d been 90% sure Benrey wouldn’t hurt him...ok maybe like 85%...or 70%. But it  _ had _ worked! And now Benrey stands before him,  _ his _ Benrey. Well almost, he still has more eyes than fits on his face, spilling over into the hair and the air around his head. There are also too many arms, sticking out in odd angles at Benrey’s sides. And even though Gordon doesn’t have to crane his neck to look at him anymore he can somehow still feel Benrey towering over him. Like this form is only a shell, barely containing the tremendous powers lurking within. 

The splashing sound of footsteps through water can be heard and Tommy steps up beside him, a tentative smile on his lips. 

“Can I- you’re a huggable size now B-Benrey.”

Benrey flinches, eyes narrowing in suspicion and arms wrapping themself around his body in clear discomfort. Tommy’s face falls and he holds up two disarming hands. 

“I-I’m sorry, I won’t- no touching I g-get it.”

Gordon pauses his search through the backpack, looking back and forth between the two. He really needs to start clearing up some miscommunications right away. 

“Tommy didn’t abandon you Benrey.” 

It’s terrifying being pinned by that thousand eye stare and Gordon has to stop himself from taking a step back.

“Wuh…?”

“He was trapped, G-man did it. Tommy wanted to make sure this…” he makes a sweeping gesture over the grotto “...didn’t happen so G-man put him in...what did you say it was?

“S-stasis.” 

Benrey swirls around to face Tommy, arms finally loosening around his body. 

“Your dad did that dude? For real?” 

“Y-yeah, it’s- it’s all a bit complicated but I-I never meant to leave you alone l-like that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when-”

Tommy’s cut off by a hug that Gordon guesses feels like getting hugged by an octopus. Not that Tommy seems to mind, a giggling laughter escaping him as he wraps his arms around Benrey. 

A stone falls from Gordon’s chest at the sight. It’s over, they got through to Benrey. They did what they could not do the last time. Silently he thanks all gods he knows the name of that he didn’t have to die on Xen this time around either. The comforting yet heavy hand of Dr. Coomer lands on his shoulder, a beaming smile on the doctor's face as he observes the scene in front of them. 

“Well done Gordon! It seems like you didn’t fuck this one up.”

“Oh give him time Harold, 5 bucks says he’ll ‘Gordon it’ before we’re home.” Bubby adds dryly as he walks up to stand beside his partner in crime. 

“You’re on, my good bitch!” 

“Guys can you please stop using my name as a verb, it’s kinda hurtful.”

Benrey shoots them an annoyed glare which only gets more effective with the amount of eyes shooting it. 

“Yo, do you mind? We’re having a moment here. Kinda rude of you.”

“Hey who are you calling-”

But before Bubby gets the chance to bitch any further Coomer gives him a  _ look.  _

“I mean...Good, we’re finally together again. Gordon  _ probably  _ won’t fuck up this time.” He corrects awkwardly. 

Gordon really doesn’t have the energy to complain more about Bubby’s backhanded compliments. He ignores it in favour of getting back to rifling through his backpack. Elbow deep into the thing he finally finds what he’s been looking for, Benrey’s hoodie. 

“You uhm...you forgot this, back home. Thought you might be cold without it.”

Benrey untangles himself from the hug and hesitatingly reaches out to grab the hoodie from Gordon's outstretched hand. 

“M’ not cold. Can’t feel things here. God mode you know.”

He slips the hoodie on regardless. Somehow Benrey can still wear it despite all the extra arms, although it hurts Gordon's head trying to figure out how. 

Tommy walks up beside Benrey, fussing a bit with the hood of the shirt until it hangs correctly on the back. Looking at them now and knowing their background Gordon can actually see the history they share in their little action towards each other. It’s kinda sweet. 

“I got t-to meet N00b earlier.”

Benrey’s whole face brightens at the mention of the cat and Gordon's heart skips a beat. Fuck, he hadn’t realized just how much he had missed watching Benrey smile. Even with eyes all over his face it still makes him look… beautiful. 

“She’s so cool right? Super smart too. Gotta level up a bit more. She’s still in her first form.”

“D-do you miss her? If- if you come back to earth we can have a playdate with Sunkist and N00b”

“I…” Benrey falls silent, arms fiddling with the sleeves of the hoodie before continuing. “I shouldn’t go back. I don’t- I don’t belong on earth… never did. Gotta stay here...S’ my origin story and stuff.”

“Bullshit!”

Four heads turn to look at Bubby who seems to have forgotten his initial fear towards Benrey and is now marching up towards him to jam a bony finger into his chest. 

“Just because you’re from a place doesn’t mean you  _ belong  _ there. Stupidest fucking shit I ever heard. You know where I’m from?!”

“Tube-” Benrey starts only to get interrupted by Bubby who didn’t seem to expect an answer.

“The motherfucking tube. Do  _ I _ belong there Benrey? Should I go back?”

They stare at each other for a couple of seconds before Benrey mumbles.

“No.”

“That’s right fucker. No one’s gonna put me back in that god damned tube! And another thing-”

“Bubby is right Benrey!” Dr. Coomer injects while dragging his partner away, most likely trying to avert an angry rant. “It’s as the song says, home is where your heart is!”

The glance Benrey gives Gordon has his heart speed up just a little bit. He tries not to think about the implications of that right now. 

Benrey stays silent, his myriad of eyes staring out into space, seemingly lost in thoughts. Time to bring out the big guns. Digging deeper down in the backpack Gordon finds the Dorito bag. 

“I brought you some snacks as well. Although I guess you don’t get hungry here either.”

He’s just about to stuff it back when an disproportionately long arm snatches it out of his hands. 

“Tastes better than headcrabs” Benrey mumbles, mouth full and spraying crumbs all over the place. “Food here sucks. Xen sucks.” He pulls up the hoodie over his head, eyes shining like stars in the shadow it creates over his face. “I wanna- let’s go back to earth.”

Gordon can’t help the whooping cheer that explodes out of him. He’s not alone in his celebration as he is joined by a hollering from Bubby and a ‘Nobody fucks with the science team!’ from Dr. Coomer. Tommy’s stimming is silent but expresses just as much happiness and excitement as the rest of them. Even though most of Benrey’s face is hidden within the hood Gordon can still see the smile that spreads over his face. 

Tommy claps his hands together once, just as he had done back on earth. Little yellow sparks flying out as they collide. 

“One p-portal back to earth coming- coming right up!”

Watching Tommy create the portal is like watching the sunrise after a long and fearful night. Its warm, golden light fills Gordon with a relief he hasn’t felt since he left Xen last time. 

“Who w-will have the honour of go-going f-first?”

They don’t get a chance to volunteer though. A dark shadow appears behind the bright veil of the portal. The sharp click of dress shoes can be heard as something tall and thin steps through from the other side. 

“I think... that is quite enough meddling in my... business, son.”

G-man stands before them all, just as tall and menacing as he was the night he took Benrey away. Gordon is about to shove Benrey behind him when he feels his body lock up. Just as last time he’s only able to move his eyes, helpless but to watch as G-man walks towards Benrey. The slow measured steps never once touching the red surface of the water. The time stopping powers still doesn’t seem to affect Benrey who scrambles backwards, away from the approaching figure. 

“We had a deal...entity… Remember?”

“Your deal sucked! Not gonna- ’m going back fucko. You can’t stop me.”

“Oh you’ll find that this…” G-man makes a sweeping motion around the cavern “...was the more...pleasant option. It’s a shame I have to resort to...cruder methods.” Something dark appears in G-man’s hand, a void the size of a dodgeball. 

A look of fear spreads over Beney’s face as the air around him seems to shift and move. Then he flickers, like the picture of an old TV. He opens his mouth as if to yell or scream but the only thing that comes out is a hissing static noise. More flickering as G-man gets closer, Benrey’s body twitching and convulsing as an unknown force seems to tear him apart. He’s going to disappear, disintegrate before Gordon's eyes while he’s stuck hanging in the air. Useless to do anything but watch as Benrey…

There is a bright light in the corner of Gordon’s eye, beams of sunlight lighting up the cave and casting dancing shadows around the walls. A hand grips around G-man's arm spinning him around to face…

“Tommy!” Gordon finds that his voice has returned, as well as the control over his limbs. He twists around so that he can look at the scene properly. 

It’s not just Tommy's eyes that shines this time around. A bright glow seems to envelop his whole body as he stands in front of his father, hand still gripping around his upper arm.

“Leave. Benrey. Alone.” The voice that leaves Tommy is still his, but there is something else to it. An echoing depth that seems to reverberate throughout the cavern. 

“I have duties son...I cannot ignore them. Not even for you.”

G-man distracted by Tommy, Gordon takes this moment to rush over to where Benrey has fallen to his knees. Benrey’s wrapping all of his arms around himself, as if he’s trying to hold his glitching form together. Crashing down beside him, Gordon carefully gathers him up in his arms, cradling Benrey close to his chest. It’s probably not comfortable being pressed against the hard surface of the HEV suits breastplate but it’s the only thing he can think of doing right now. 

“Hey! Hey you’re ok Benrey. Tommy’s handling it. You just hold on ok.”

“Hurts…” 

Benrey’s voice is staticy, small and it breaks Gordon’s heart hearing it. He wants to make it better, to make everything bad that Benrey’s ever felt go away. But he can’t. He can only sit here, holding him tight and whispering comforting nothings. Hoping against hope that Tommy can somehow fix this. 

Tommy’s strangely echoing voice snaps Gordon’s attention away from Benrey for a moment. 

“I don’t care about your d-duties, or your employer. I will- He’s my friend and I won’t let you hurt him!”

There is a long pause where father and son only stare at each other and Gordon gets the impression that there is a fight going down that the naked eye can’t see. A sudden shift in the air and G-man blinks out of Tommy’s grasp as well as out of existence only to reappear a few feets away from Gordon and Benrey. Yelping out in fear Gordon tries to drag both himself and Benrey away. It’s hard, the bottom of the cavern is slippery and Benrey lies limp and heavy in his arms. G-man takes a long step towards them, hand still holding the void like orb. Before he gets any closer though Tommy appears in a short burst of sparks, placing himself between his fathers and his friends. 

“I-I mean it dad! I won’t let you t-touch them.”

Behind them Gordon hears the splashing sound of footsteps through water. Coomer and Bubby finally having gathered themself up enough to rush to their friends' side. They come to a halt beside Gordon, wordlessly taking up position, one on each side of him. 

“I don’t want to...fight you son.”

“I don’t g-give a fuck. Leave or f-fight. That’s- those are your options.” 

The glow in G-man’s eyes dim as he narrows them. Slowly he lowers the hand holding the void. 

For a second Gordon thinks it’s over, that Tommy has convinced G-man to leave them alone. Those hopes quickly get dashed when G-man blinks out of existence again and reappears standing just above Gordon. A hand stretches out towards Benrey, the void in it pulsating with darkness. Benrey sizes up in Gordon’s arms, his body flickering violently and a loud burst of static spilling from his open maw. Jerking away from the approaching hand Gordon twists around, trying to shield Benrey’s body from whatever the hell G-man is trying to do to him. 

Beside him he can feel the heat from where Bubby’s hands alights with fire. On his other side Dr. Coomer’s body creaks as extensions rev up, ready to punch the living daylight of the tall man in front of them. The senior citizens of the science team won’t go down without a fight. 

None of them gets the chance to get even one hit in as Tommy warps himself behind G-man. This time he doesn’t bother with warning. Grabbing onto his fathers shoulder he throws him, with a strength that really shouldn’t surprise Gordon, away from the group. The dark void in G-man’s hand disappears and Gordon hears Benrey pull in a deep breath, like he’s just resurfaced from under water. 

With a yell of frustration G-man disappears in a distortion of space. This time though Tommy doesn’t wait for him to reappear, zapping after him and intercepting the distortion before G-man’s body has the time to form. It’s like a violent game of tag, teleporting bodies crashing into each other. Burst of gold and yellow colliding with black and deep blue all around the cave. 

It’s all too fast for Gordon to keep up with, and he soon gives up in favour of focusing on the body in his arms. Benrey has yet to move after that initial gasp of breath and for a second he fears the worst. Dr. Coomer falls to his knees beside them, carefully placing one large hand on Benrey’s chest. 

“How are you feeling security guard Booper?”

“Ow.” Benrey’s voice is back to its usual deep monotone and Gordon let’s out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“Is he dead?” Bubby peers down on them from where he stands, stubbornly refusing to sit down in the ankle deep water. 

“I miss him every day.” Dr. Coomer laments. 

“Yo. Stop telling people I’m dead.” 

Benrey slowly pushes himself up from Gordon’s arms, several arms untangling themself from where they’d wrapped around the HEV suit. A look of concern forming on his face. 

“What happened?”

A sudden groan and a loud curse has the group turn around. It seems like while they were busy fussing over Benrey, Tommy has ended the fight. He has his father’s hands locked behind the man’s back, face pressed into the rough surface of a large stone. They’re both panting, but the glow radiating from Tommy has not dimmed, in fact it seems to be shining brighter than ever. 

“D-dad listen to me. T-tell your employers that Benrey is under m-my protection from now. I’ll make sure he’s safe and th-that the world is safe from him. You know I-I can do it. You gotta- you gotta trust me on this.”

There is a beat of silence. The whole Science team waiting with bated breath. 

“Fine.” 

“You- you promise?”

“Yes Tommy...I promise. Now let me go.”

Letting go of his fathers hands Tommy stumbles backwards. The halo of light fading away until it goes out completely. He staggers a bit where he stands and Benrey hurriedly pushes to his feet. Running over he props Tommy up against his side, letting the taller man lean heavily against his sturdy frame. Gordon is right behind him, throwing Tommy’s free arm around his shoulders. 

G-man turns around, a hand slicking back the hair that has fallen into his face. Awkwardly he straightens his tie, leveling them with a faintly glowing look of displeasure. 

“If I get fired...that’s on you Tommy.”

“I know d-dad.”

A thin smile appears on G-man’s lips and Gordon wonders if that’s not the strangest thing he’s seen today.

“You’ve grown so much my son. I’m...proud of you.”

There is a disturbance in the air followed by a loud pop, G-man distorting right before their very eyes. Then he is gone, having warped out of their plane of existence. The threat finally averted. 

“You’re dad’s kind of a dick.” Benrey observes. 

Tommy’s laughter is both loud and infectious and Gordon can’t help but to join in together with Benrey’s high cackle. They laugh until Gordon’s sides hurt and tears run down his cheeks. Until Bubby complains and Coomer hushes him. Until all that is left are wheezing giggles as they try to collect themself. 

“Guys…” Gordon finally manages to wheeze out. “...I’m so tired of Xen. Let’s go home.”

“Home!” Dr. Coomer echoes.

“Fucking finally! You guys sure took your sweet time. I wanna go hoooome!” 

“I’ll- I’ll get right t-to that Bubby.” 

It takes a bit longer this time around for Tommy to conjure up the portal. He’s obviously used up a lot of his powers and Gordon is only relieved that he saved enough for them to have a return trip back to earth. As the portal opens up they all stare at it suspiciously for a hot second. When nothing comes through it this time around Bubby grabs a hold of Dr. Coomer’s hand. 

“Last one through is a rotten egg.” 

With that the two old men sprint through, disappearing behind the glowing veil with a soft fizzing sound.

Gordon turns to Benrey.

“Wanna do the honors?” 

Benrey gives the portal a long look, then he looks down on himself before turning his many eyes back to Gordon. 

“Imma...Imma need a second. Gotta mod some stuff in character creation.”

“You g-go right ahead Mr. Freeman. I’ll make sure that Benrey g-get’s through safely.”

“Alright then. But I’m waiting just on the other side ok. And I’ll come through and fetch you if you take too long!”

“Whatever Gordon Worryman. Lemme do my stuff.”

Gordon chuckles, it feels good to be called names again. Walking through the portal he finds himself in the park where Benrey first disappeared. The moon hangs low over trees and houses, the faint light of dawn lighting up the sky in the east. Gordon doesn’t have the energy to think about why they’re in the park and not his living room. His tired mind occupied with much more pleasant thoughts. 

They did it! They actually got Benrey back. Soon they’ll be home again and they can get back to some kind of normalcy again. Cooking and eating with Benrey, playing video games and just hanging out with each other. Maybe they can even have movie nights with Tommy now that he’s back. It’s these kinds of thought that keeps him from being antsy as he and the Boomers watch the glowing portals for signs of the last two of the Science team. 

5 minutes pass, then 10 and just as Gordon is about to pop back through to see what’s taking them so long the portal fizzes to life. Tommy comes through first, shortly followed by Berney. Only two arms dangle at his side, and a single pair of dark eyes land on Gordon. It takes him a second to realize why Benrey’s gaze on him feels so strange. Dark eyes...not yellow. 

“Hey did you...change your eye colour?” Looking closer, Gordon also finds that Benrey’s gray hued skin is now a pale pink. 

“Yup.” Benrey pops the p and stretches a bit. “If I’m staying on earth imma have to look like an earthling.”

“Please don’t call us that.” 

“Don’t bunch me in with you lot, I’m a tube boy not an earthling.”

“Since 50% or more of my body is replaced by cybernetic enhancements I’m technically a cyborg.”

“I’m n-not human either Mr. Freeman.”

“Wait...am I the only fully human in the Science team?!”

“Hah! Gordon Hu-man.”

Gordon suddenly feels very tired. Hanging out with the whole science team is fun but it always seems to devolve into roasting Gordon hour after a little while. 

“C’mon Benrey, let's go home. I wanna get out of this fucking thing and then sleep for a week.”

Turning towards the street Gordon starts to walk back towards home but then Benrey’s voice stops him in his tracks. 

“M’ not going back with you.” 

The words are barely audible but they still hit Gordon like gunshots. Whipping around Gordon hurries back towards Benrey. As he approaches, Benrey steps slightly behind Tommy, placing him like a barrier between them. 

“What...what do you mean you're not coming with me? Didn't you- I thought we were good?”

“You still don’t get it do you?” 

Benrey sighs, his new dark eyes unreadable in the grey light of dawn.

“You broke my heart man. I can’t- I can’t be around you right now. Need time to get over that shit. Need time to get over you.”

With that Benrey goes to leave, not even looking back when Dr. Coomer and Bubby voice their protests. A string of clear sweet voice bubbles trailing behind him like a pearl necklace. Tommy follows him, looking mournful as he glances back at Gordon. 

Gordon stares at Benrey’s back as he disappears around a group of trees, no words to be found as his world falls to pieces around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's chapter 16. Please feel free to leave your yelling in the comments. 
> 
> This is my most ambitious chapter yet. I've worked on it for two full weeks (I usually get a chapter out in two/tree days in comparison) and I've taken in an extra beta reader just to make sure everything worked out as I wanted it to. I really hope it lives up to your expectations even though I robbed you of a love confession (again!). These things takes time, and there is still some hurt to work through before these crazy kids are allowed to smooch. We're getting there though don't worry ;) See you next week!
> 
> I got fan art!! T.T look how good it is!!
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CLX-bJAp18M/?igshid=1t8tlzbumwggh


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depression, alcoholism

Gordon barely registers the walk home from the park. Dr. Coomer and Bubby are there, guiding him down the streets that slowly gets brighter as the morning sun rises over a cyan sky. At home they help him out of the suit again, a job made much easier with Dr. Coomers raw strength. They’re talking to Gordon as well, comforting words that he can’t really focus on. Things about how it will turn out fine and that Benrey will come around, eventually. But It doesn’t matter, a tiredness has washed over Gordon and all he wants to do now is to sleep. Sleep and forget the sense of failure that has secured itself in his chest like a stone bound to a drowning man's feet. He only manages to make them leave after promising to call after he’s gotten some rest. 

Crashing face first into his bed he's eager for sleep to overtake him but his brain keeps repeating scenes from the night gone by on an endless loop. He never did apologize properly. Sure he said the word ‘sorry’ but what does that help? Benrey still doesn't know the feelings Gordon kept hidden inside that box in his mind. And now it’s too late. Every time Gordon feels himself fall asleep it’s like he’s back on Xen. Benrey towering over him, yelling how awful he is...which is true, it’s all true.

He is awful, a failure and a horrible friend. Maybe, if he just... disappeared, they would all be happier, happier without him. 

Gordon doesn’t know when he falls asleep, only that he is awoken by a knock on the door. The clock says it’s late afternoon and he has two missed calls and a couple of texts from Tommy. Dragging himself out of bed he makes his way down the hall. He already knows who it is and what the visit is about, he read the texts.

Opening the front door he has to squint at the bright afternoon sun.

“Hey Tommy.”

“Hi Mr. Freeman. Are you- how are you d-doing?”

“I’m ok buddy.” It’s an obvious lie and Gordon hopes Tommy won’t push. He just wants this over with. “Come in, I’ll help you pack up his stuff.”

“I-I’m sorry Mr. Freeman, I tried t-talking to him and-”

“No, it’s alright. Benrey has all the right to be angry with me. I’ll just have to accept that and give him time. At least he’s home now.”

“Yeah...I s-still wish-”

Turning around Gordon holds up a hand, shaking his head and trying to put on a brave face.

“No...it’s ok Tommy, really. When he’s ready to talk I’ll be here.”

“Ok, if you- if you say so.”

Packing up Benrey’s things goes relatively quick, he doesn’t own that much after all. Most of it is actually N00b’s stuff. The cat in question manages to give Gordon one last bite before he can get her into her carrier for Tommy to take out to the car. Gordon’s really going to miss having that little bastard around. 

“Alright, I- I think th-that’s the last of it.” 

Tommy surveys the boxes and bags in his trunk, as well as the angrily complaining N00b in her carrier. 

“Uhh...can you give my one second. I have a...it’s a thing.”

Hurrying inside Gordon finds pen and paper. A hastily scribbled note to pair with the key in a small envelope. 

_ ‘If you ever want to talk, my door is never locked for you. Just walk right in.’ _

A bit sappy but it gets the point across. He wants Benrey to know that he’s always welcome, that he always has... a home here. He presses the envelope into Tommy’s hand who takes it without question. 

“P-promise that you’ll c-call. I-I’ve missed you as well you- you know.”

Bless Tommy’s golden heart, even though it feels hard to believe right now it’s good to know that he still has friends out there. 

“I promise buddy.”

The house feels very empty, even though nothing really changed. It should be better now, knowing that Benrey is safe and back on earth. So why does it feel like Benrey is further away than Xen right now? It’s just in his head, Gordon tries to tell himself, he’s just not used to being alone. Nothing weird with needing to adjust to a new normal. 

Food- that is what he needs. Gordon has barely eaten for days, no wonder everything feels awful. Stepping into the kitchen he hastily stuffs the remnants of his and Benrey’s last lunch together in the sink. Can’t go around dwelling on the past, focus on the present and the food. Standing in front of the fridge he tries to figure out what to make and by habit he shouts the question out to the living room. The living room that is empty and does not contain an alien with opinions of lunch. Shaking his head Gordon grabs some pasta and bacon. When in doubt, make it easy. 

At least it  _ should _ be easy. First he measures up too much pasta, enough for two people rather than one. Then he loses track on time staring out the kitchen window while his mind wanders. Memories of his fights with Benrey keeps repeating, poking that festering wound of guilt in his heart. He isn’t brought back to the present until the smell of burnt bacon hits his nose. Alright, buttered noodles it is. The pasta turns out to be overcooked and clumped together. Gordon throws it all away and grabs some pop tarts instead. Seems like he’s not in the right headspace to cook right now. No matter, he can do other things instead. Like playing video games. 

He can’t play video games Gordon concludes after failing the same mission for the fifth time in Kane and Lynch 2. There is a small voice in the back of his head that keeps whispering to him. Reminding him of every awful thing he ever did, of all the people he’s hurt. Telling him how useless he is. 

Alright, Gordon's had it with all of his pointless efforts. Time to do something that actually works. 

Walking over to the liquor cabinet he pulls out the bourbon still left from his and Benrey’s drinking night. The voice in the back of Gordon’s head berates him over what a bad idea this is, as if he didn’t know. He remembers how bad it had gotten after the divorce, how he’d use alcohol to dull the pain back then as well. But this isn’t the same, this is not some kind of break up. He's just gotten in a fight with a friend. A friend who’s trust he had betrayed. A friend who would rather run away to a different planet than to stay anywhere near him. A friend, who Gordon cares a lot for, but hadn’t bothered considering the feelings of, consequently ripping his heart out. 

Benrey had looked so hurt… 

Gordon downs his first glass and if there are tears in his eyes he can blame it on the high proof alcohol. After his third glass the feeling in his chest doesn’t feel as heavy, after his fifth the voice in his head quiets down. He falls into a fitful sleep, his sixth glass still in hand. 

It becomes a routine after that. Get up, take a drink to numb the headache, find something he doesn’t need to cook to eat. After that he usually plays video games or watches tv for the rest of the day while nursing a few more glasses until the world is pleasantly out of focus. And more importantly, until his thoughts stop telling him the world would be better off without him. 

He usually remembers to call Tommy or the Boomers before it gets too bad. They worry, of course, and ask if he wants to meet up. And Gordon knows he should. Meeting people would be healthy for him right now. But what if he doesn’t want to be healthy? What if he just wants to wallow in his own misery for a while. What with all he’s been through, hasn't he earned some wallowing? 

It’s not a healthy mindset, Gordon knows this. Of course he does. He’s been through this before. But he needs time, time to work through this, until he can find something else to let his mind focus on rather than his own failures. Joshua is coming to visit soon, he’ll stop before that. At least that’s what he tells himself as the days crawl by. 

At times though, drinking to shut his inner voice up backfires and Gordon’s drunken mind conjures up images he doesn’t want to see. Things he’s drinking to forget. Martin telling him it won’t work out and that he wants a divorce. Soldiers coming in with drawn knives to sever his already missing arm. But most of the time it’s just Benrey, standing there talking. Telling him how much he hurts. How that’s the only thing Gordon ever does, hurt people. And sometimes Benrey is silent, just standing there, looking at him with cold eyes and blood dripping down from a wound on his arm. Those nights Gordon drinks until he passes out. He can handle the hangover as long as he doesn’t have to see it. Doesn’t have to see Benrey. 

\---

Two weeks, it’s been two weeks since Benrey returned from Xen for a second time. Two weeks since he moved into the spare room in Tommy’s apartment. Two weeks since he’d last spoken to Gordon. It isn’t like Benrey’s avoiding him, not really. He’s just...not texted or called him that’s all. And to be fair, Feetman hasn’t tried to call either. It’s for the better. Benrey had said he needed time after all. This is time, and he is taking it. 

At least he is now. The first day he’d mostly been crying. With his face buried in the fur of the world's most perfect dog he let out all the guilt, anger and sadness that seemed to have rooted itself inside his heart. Tommy had sat beside him during it all, stroking his back and giving him water when Benrey had collected himself enough to drink. They didn’t speak, not at first. Tommy had let Benrey cry until there were no more tears to spill before he’d said anything other than “It’s ok to cry.” 

And then they’d spoken. Tommy had told more about what had gone down with his father and the whole mess with the stasis he’d been put in. It reaffirms Benrey’s opinion that G-man is in fact... a dick. In turn Benrey had tentatively tried to speak about his experiences on Xen. It had been hard, trying to explain the presence of something darker and primal in the back of his head. The thing that didn’t see the Science Team as his friends but like danger and prey at the same time. 

Tommy had done his best to understand, to talk about his own newly awakened alien powers and how those had affected his view on the world around him. It was nice, being listened to, being understood. Although the feeling sent Benrey flashbacks of that first afternoon with Gordon, sitting in a patch of sunlight and for the first time since they’ve met actually coming to an understanding. The memory had sent Benrey into another fit of tears, the clear orbs of sweet voice spilling out doing nothing to represent the heartbreak he felt. 

He hasn’t cried since then, at least not like that. Sure Benrey has woken up a few times from loud and violent nightmares with tears streaming down his cheeks but that hardly counts. He’s ok, he’s taking his time.

At the moment he's spending an abundance of hours in his new room, re-building his island in Animal Crossing on his brand new Switch Console. It’s his own fault really... starting a game on a console that wasn’t his own. When Tommy came back with his stuff from Feetman’s and Benrey grieved the loss of his island, Tommy wasted no time rushing them to GameStop to buy a Switch, bundled with a bunch of other games. Tommy is great like that. 

It’s not like Benrey  _ needs _ to talk to Feetman anyway. He’s not lonely or anything, he has N00b and Tommy. Even the Boomers have checked up on him a couple of times. So no, Benrey isn’t lonely. It doesn’t matter that N00b seems to have found a new best friend in Sunkist and prefers sleeping on the giant dog’s fur than in his bed. Nor that Tommy isn’t that into watching Benrey play video games as Feetman was. It doesn’t even matter that Tommy doesn’t really cook, having around five easy dishes that he rotates with takeout. Benrey grew up on worse stuff. He  _ doesn’t _ miss cooking with Feetman or eating his food, not even a little bit. And even if he did, Benrey knows how to cook some stuff himself now, like the omelette he proudly showed off for Tommy. See, he can manage. Doesn’t need Feetman or anything. Doesn’t need to have his heart in his throat every time there is a text notification. Doesn’t need to be disappointed when it’s only another text from Bubby complaining about something. 

Benrey’s doing ok. He’s _ ok _ . 

“You’re n-not ok.”

Tommy leans against the doorway to Benrey’s room, arms crossed as he observes Benrey’s sprawled out figure on the bed. 

“Uhhh...yeah I am.” Benrey’s voice comes out slightly muffled due to the fact that he currently has a pillow pressed over his face. 

“I don’t- please don’t lie t-to me.”

“I’m not! You’re not my boss. Can’t make me say anything.”

“Benrey…”

“Bro, it doesn't matter that my sweet voices’ still busted. Doesn’t mean anything.”

“It’s not- you know th-that’s not true.”

Benrey sits up, pulling the pillow of his face and throwing it towards the source of his annoyance. It misses Tommy with a mile and thumps into the wall beside the door. The glass like bubbles that had been contained by the pillow now has the freedom to spill out and fill the room. 

“So what!? I’m sad, ok. Got my heart broken and shit. Almost hurt my friends...again. M’ allowed to be upset about it.”

“I’m n-not saying you- you shouldn’t be. B-but we both know that the clear v-voice means more than just sad or- or upset.”

Tommy sighs as he walks over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. He doesn’t touch Benrey, knowing by now that Benrey will come to him if he needs the comfort of physical contact. It takes him a moment but eventually Benrey lets his forehead slump against Tommy’s shoulder.

“It fixed itself last time.” 

“That was- only after you we-were let out from your cell, remember?”

Benrey does remember. The long monotone days in the small room, playing the same games over and over again. The routine was only broken up by tests and the few visits that Tommy was allowed. His sweet voice had turned clear back then as well. It had been one of the reasons Tommy had been able to convince the people in charge that Benrey should be allowed outside his room. 

“You think I should go outside more?” 

“I think y-you should t-talk to Mr. Freeman.” 

Benrey pulls himself away from Tommy, suddenly happy that his sweet voice can’t betray the upset that awakens inside him by those words. He falls back down on the bed, turning so that he faces the wall. 

“Don’t want to.”

“He- he asks about you, you know.”

“Wuh…?”

Benrey can’t help but turn around at that, glancing up at Tommy who gives him a knowing smile. 

“I t-try to call him every other day. I want to- just checking up on him. He k-keeps asking how you’re doing.”

“So what...S’ not like he’s called me or anything.” Benrey tries and fails to keep the hurt out of his voice. 

“Well you d-did ask for space. Of course he wo-won’t call you.”

It makes sense of course. He didn’t really think through what he said when he left the Science Team in the park. At the time he’d only wanted to get as far away from the source of his heart break as possible. 

“Wha...what did you tell him...about me?”

“Not much, th- that you are getting used to living here. Playing a lot of v-video games. N00b is getting along with Sunkist.”

Benrey stews a while longer on the question he  _ really _ wants to ask, the one that has been burning on his tongue since Tommy mentioned Gordon. The one that has been circling in his brain since he last saw the man. 

“How... is he?”

“He- he says he’s doing fine. I d-don’t believe him.” 

Tommy leaves it at that. Doesn’t elaborate, as he so often doesn’t. 

Benrey is still mad at Feetman of course, mad and heartbroken. But that doesn’t mean he can’t worry about the dude right? It’s normal worrying about your friends.  _ If  _ they're still friends, that is.... Benrey’s not sure. There is a lot of stuff he’s not so sure about.

Tommy leaves him alone after that, but only after Benrey promises to think about what has been said. 

It takes Benrey another two days before he decides to go visit Gordon. Ok, so he hasn’t actually decided to go “visit”. He’s only going to pick up some stuff, a shirt to be precise. It had been in the wash when Tommy had picked up his things so he had missed it. Benrey doesn’t really  _ need _ to pick it up. He has plenty of clothes. Even more now than when he moved out from Feetman to be exact. Tommy had taken him on a shopping spree and Benrey had ended up doubling the size of his meme shirt collection. 

But this shirt he’d worn at the visit to the aquarium, the one with the joke that had made Gordon laugh once. Benrey likes that shirt and he wants it back. Sure, he could wait for Tommy to get back from the errands he’s running today. But Tommy would probably start pestering him about talking with Gordon or some dumb shit. Can’t have that. It’s better if this is a solo mission. It’s only around an hour walk anyway, Benrey has walked for longer periods of time when out with N00b and Sunkist. Benrey can take care of it himself. Just go inside, wave at Feetman and grab the shirt. Easy mission, low level stuff.

So why does it feel like he’s standing in front of a boss fight without having properly leveled up? Benrey asks himself this as he fidgets with the key in front of Gordon’s front door. The letter Gordon had sent with the key had said to just walk in, right? No need to knock and relive that first night Benrey had shown up at his doorstep. Although he highly doubts he’d get punched this time around. 

It’s the heat that finally forces him to put the key in the lock. He’s already tired and thirsty from the walk and the sun beating down on his back as he stands on the porch is not helping. Go inside, wave at Feetman. See if there is still a can of Mt. Dew in the fridge, grab the shirt and get out. Easy peasy. 

The first thing that hits him as he walks inside is the music. Angry and loud and turned up much higher than Gordon usually keeps his playlists. Benrey vaugly recognizes the song...’Dumb’ by something something in the park? He never pays much attention to the stupid bands Feetman listens to. 

“Yo Feetman, I’m here for my stuff!”

No answer, the song ends and then starts up again, playing on repeat. That’s weird. Benrey moves through the hallway, towards the source of the music. It seems to be coming from the living room. As he comes closer a smell starts to emerge. It reminds him of the time one of his guard colleagues dropped a whole bottle of booze in the guard locker room. The smell of alcohol had lingered for almost a week after that. Had Feetman been a clumsy boy and dropped some of his gross bourbon all over the floor?

There is indeed a bottle of bourbon on the floor in the living room, several of them actually, together with cans of beer and other bottles that he doesn't recognize. They’re all empty. Benrey might not have much experience with drinking but he’s pretty sure this is way too much for a single person. 

The living room appears empty, no Gordon, only a myriad of bottles and a pile of blankets on the couch. The blanket pile moves and groans, revealing a mop of tousled brown hair. Is that.... Feetman? Ok, so he's alive at least. 

Benny has played enough platforming to know how to navigate this kind of level. Carefully he maneuvers the littered floor until he reaches the couch, lifting a corner of the blanket and revealing what lies beneath. He hates how his heart leaps in his throat at the sight. Gordon looks like shit. But it’s a different kind of shit than the one Benrey had seen in the boss chamber. His hair isn’t even pulled up and the usual soft curls are tangled together like a rats nest. It shouldn’t be possible but Benrey thinks he can see even more gray hairs in the tangled locks. The dark circles under Gordon’s eyes are even deeper now than before, it looks like he has barely slept since Xen. Although he sleeps now, his breath is slow and even. His cheeks are red, maybe it’s the alcohol. Or maybe he’s been crying, a little voice in the back of Benrey’s head suggests. 

There are different reasons for humans to drink, Benrey knows this. Sometimes they do it to have fun with their friends, like he and Gordon had that night when they played drunken Smash Bro’s. Sometimes though, they drink because they are sad or want to forget. Sometimes they drink to get through the day. There is a name for drinking like that but Benrey has forgotten it. This feels more like that rather than a night of getting buzzed with friends. 

The song loops a third time and by now Benrey’s getting annoyed by the singer's whiny screams. He locates Gordon’s laptop hooked up to a bluetooth speaker. The playlist on Spotify, named ‘songs for when I’m sad’, only has one song playing on repeat: Numb by Linkin Park. He hadn’t been that far off with his guess. Before turning it off Benrey adds some songs. Next time Gordon wanna be a sad little emo boy he’s gonna get a playlist that contains:

Numb

Megalovania

Caramelldansen

Crab Rave

Leva Polkka

Crazy Frog 

A track with generic clown music

And lastly, just because you can’t go wrong with a classic, he adds “Never gonna give you up”. That will teach Feetman to have shit taste in music. He also changes the desktop background to a banana in space. Try to be sad while looking at that Feetman. 

It feels good messing with Gordon again, even though Benrey hasn’t gotten the fun reactions that are usually the goal with his pranks. He’d really gotten out of practise while living with the dude. Gotten all soft and mushy because of feelings. Need to change that. 

Benrey should just grab the t-shirt and dip before Gordon wakes up. But the thought of taking some of his anger out in the form of some good old pranks is just too good. 

A careless step has Benrey kicking a can on the floor that rolls aways with a clatter. Freezing up he glances at the pile on the sofa. Gordon doesn’t even stir. Looking out over the mess in the living room Benrey smacks his lips. Damn, Feetman’s a messy boy. Can’t even pick stuff up from the floor without Benny around.

When he wanders into the kitchen he finds it in an equal disastrous state. That actually sends a tinge of worry into his chest. Benrey  _ knows _ how particular Gordon is with keeping his kitchen clean. He still has a scar to prove that. But now the sink is filled with dishes, the trash doesn’t seem to have been emptied for weeks and instead there are empty food containers and crumpled up paper lying on the counter. If Benrey had left the kitchen in this state Feetman would have blown a fuse.

In the absence of clean drinking glasses Benrey downs his thirst with a bowl of water. While he’s drinking he thinks of funny ways to mess with Feetman. He decides he’s going to pour out all of the milk in the fridge. That way Gordon will have to eat his Loops dry, the superior way of eating cereals. The prank fails though when Benrey opens the fridge to find it almost empty. Not even his Mt. Dew is left. That’s even more worrying than the mess. Gordon loves food, the only time Benrey ever seen the fridge empty was after they cleaned out all the gross stuff that first day. 

So, Gordon is obviously going through some shit. It's really not Benrey’s problem but at the same time he can’t help but to worry. However angry he is at Feetman it feels kinda bad seeing him like this. Maybe Benrey can just clean up a little bit, just to show Feetman how much better than him he is. 

He locates the trash bags under the sink and returns to the living room. First thing first, get all this crap off the floor. Benrey doesn’t even try to be quiet while cleaning. If Gordon wakes up he has a good reason to tease him about it. While he’s cleaning, Benrey starts adding things to what he calls ‘the Gordon pile’. Everything that can’t be thrown away is placed on top of the sleeping form on the couch. 

Look who’s the messy one now Feetman. 

In a corner he finds a half eaten potato, it’s raw. Benrey knows for a fact that potatoes shouldn’t be eaten raw. It was one of the earlier things Gordon had taught him after Benrey had started doing snack runs to the kitchen. The potato goes on the pile as well. 

When he’s emptied the floor of stuff Benrey places the overfilled trash bag on the coffee table so that it’s the first thing Gordon will see when waking up. Right, clean up mission finished, he really needs to find that t-shirt now. 

While looking for it Benrey finds the hamper overflowing. Halfway down he finds Gordon’s prosthetic. It’s reaching out of the dirty laundry like a desperate seaman out of the ocean waves, fighting to stay afloat. 

Gordon can’t have done laundry even once since Benrey left. He knows this because he recognizes the shape of the food staining the bottom most shirt… 

Good thing Tommy has taught Benrey how to wash clothes. The do’s and don'ts of the trade. He would even call himself quite proficient. And that is why Benrey adds one single red shirt to the machine filled with whites, before then starting the program. Have fun being pink, asshole. 

Back into the kitchen he places the prosthetic on the top of the tall stack of dirty plates. He then collects all the trash there as well. The filled bags join the one on the coffee table. Then he does the dishes, but only the spoons. 

Feetman can take care of the rest. Benrey’s not a catmaid, he doesn’t say ‘nya’. 

All the clean spoons get hidden in several pairs of Gordon’s shoes. Perfect prank. Good luck slurping your soggy Loops without a spoon Feetman. Benrey needs some milk for this prank to work though, and the fridge is still as empty as the last time he checked. Looking through some cabinets Benrey finds that there aren’t even any Fruit Loops in the house. That kinda sucks. There needs to be milk  _ and _ Loops for his epic prank to work. 

According to his phone there is a small grocery store about twenty minutes walk from the house. He finds Gordon’s wallet by the door and takes some cash before leaving. 

The store is much smaller than the ones Benrey has visited so far. They have Fruit Loops though; and Benrey finds some other basic stuff that he remembers Gordon buying. He’s not making sure Gordon has stuff to eat, he’s doing this for the prank. And maybe to make sure he doesn’t starve. Lastly he adds a can of Mt. Dew and two bags of Doritos to the basket. Gordon owes him this.

It’s getting dark by the time he tries to unlock the door while balancing two overfilled shopping bags. When he finally gets it open he hears music, the awesome tunes of Megalovania drifts out from the living room. Seems like sleeping trash beauty has finally awoken. Walking into the room Benrey’s suspicion is confirmed. On the couch sits Gordon, laptop on his lap and a confused and dazed look on his face. 

“You finally got some taste in music, Feetman?”

Gordon's head whips around, eyes slightly out of focus before they find Benrey standing in the entrance to the living room.

“B-benrey?”

“Yo it's me, what’s up?”

Gordon jolts to his feet, not even looking at the pile of things falling off him as he does so. The sudden movement has him topple out of the couch, legs tangled in the blanket. As he tries to scramble to get up Gordon manages to lose balance again and faceplants down onto the carpet. It should be funny, watching Gordon make such an epic wipeout. Benrey should be doubled over laughing. So why is he only feeling sad watching Gordon groan on the floor, trying and failing to get up. 

“You still drunk bro. Better stay down. Gonna go hurt yourself, clumsy boy.”

“You’re... you’re not here.”

The words are mumbled into the carpet and Benrey has to strain his ears to hear them over the sound of the music still blaring from the speaker. 

“Uhh...yes I am. M’ right here.”

“Nooo...you’re just...in my head. Like always. You’re never actually...here.” 

Gordon’s voice is slurred, words dragged out with weird pauses, like he doesn’t even know what he’s saying. Benrey closes the laptop on his way over to the couch and the music cuts out just as the first notes of ‘Caramelldansen’ starts playing. He takes a moment to observe the man at his feet before crouching down beside him.

“What cha’ mean with ‘actually here’? You fantasising bout’ me or something? Kinda...kinda gay of you.” 

Twisting his head slightly Gordon looks up at him. Why does he look so sad? That’s not the right reaction. At least get annoyed or something. It’s not fun teasing Feetman if he doesn’t get angry. 

“You’re kinda pathetic right now Feetman.” 

“I know.”

“Can’t even uhh...keep the house clean. Stinky- stinky lil’ bastard man.”

“Yeah.”

This isn’t working. This isn't working at all. Gordon is not supposed to agree, he’s supposed to be angry. That’s funny. This isn’t funny. This is just... sad.

“What’s  _ wrong _ with you?”

“I miss you.”

That dreaded warmth starts to spread in Benrey’s chest. He hates how just those simple words can make his heart beat so fast, make his cheeks feel like they’re about to burn up. By habit he suppresses the need to blow out some sweet voice. Not that he needs to, it’s still busted. And even if it wasn’t Gordon already knows how Benrey feels. He  _ knows _ and he has the nerve to lie here drunk on the floor, saying that he misses Benrey when it was  _ he _ who fucked it all up in the first place. 

The heat inside turns into anger and it feels good. Benrey’s been sad for way too long, anger is better. It’s productive. It gets things done.

“Fuck off with all that Feetman, I’m still mad at you. I’m leaving.”

Benrey get’s up without looking down, he doesn’t want the sad sight of Gordon lying on the floor to change his mind. He’s gotten what he came for, was even nice and cleaned up a bit. He doesn’t have to feel bad leaving Gordon like this. 

As Benrey turns to walk away something hard hits him in the back, sending him sprawling down on the floor. It takes him a moment to realise that Gordon somehow has managed to tackle him to the ground. The larger man holding onto his waist in an almost vice like grip. Impressive for someone with only one and a half arm.

“Bro what the fuck?! Let me go! I’ll bite if you don’t!” 

Twisting around he tries to pry the arms off him. Benrey might look human right now but he kept his teeth sharp for just this kind of situation. Can’t go around being totally defenseless. Gordon doesn’t budge though and Benrey is just about to smack him on the head when he hears the sobbing. The sound is muffled, Gordon’s face pressed into Benrey’s back and probably staining his t-shirt with tears. 

“Benrey...don’t leave. Not again. I can’t- I shouldn’t have...I’m sorry, please, I’m so sorry…”

Benrey stills, listening to the words that spills out between sobs and hiccups. Shit. Seems like he’s stuck here for a bit longer after all. It takes a bit but he manages to turn enough to tap Gordon on the head, getting the drunkenly crying man’s attention. 

“I’ll stay just...let go, please and thank you.”

Gordon sniffs but finally releases his hold. Sitting up Benrey crosses his legs, observing the wet pile on the floor that is Gordon. What the fuck is he going to do with this now? 

Before Benrey has the chance to decide on anything, Gordon starts talking again. His voice is slurred and tears are still running down his cheeks but at least Benrey is able to clearly hear what he’s saying this time. 

“I shouldn’t have...I fucked up so bad. And now you’re gone and I’m all alone. Deserve that...deserve to be alone. I can’t- I keep fucking things up.”

“Yeah you do have a habit of doing stupid shit.”

Gordon nods sagely, like Benrey has just dropped some great wisdom in his lap. 

“Should’ve just...just told you…how- how amazing you are.”

“Wuh?”

“So fucking funny...makes me laugh...makes things better.”

“You think I’m funny?”

“And handsome…”

_ Oh. _

“I- I...”

“Yeah?”

“I need to throw up.”

Oh shit.

“Uhhh...hold that thought. Don’t puke on the floor!”

Scrambling up Benrey finds a trash can that isn’t overflowing and shoves it into Gordon’s lap. While Gordon’s busy puking his guts out Benrey goes and fetches some water. All glasses are still dirty but drunk Feetman just has to deal with drinking from a smudged glass. By the way Gordon gulps down the whole thing he doesn’t seem to mind. As he finishes drinking he squints at Benrey who has joined him again on the floor.

“Benrey?”

Ok so it seems like they’re not continuing the conversation from earlier. Just as well, Benrey is not sure he wants to know what Gordon thinks of him while drunk. Feels like a conversation that should be had when Gordon hasn’t gone all out on the bottle. 

“Still me dude.”

“You’re here?”

“Yup.”

“Why?”

“Came to fetch a thing.”

Gordon seems to hesitate. He squirms in place, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times.

“Can I...can I get a hug?”

Ah shit, why did Gordon have to look like a kicked puppy while asking that? Should be illegal to look that sad. Benrey doesn't answer, only opening his arms letting Gordon scramble to get into them. 

It’s a bad hug, one of the worst Benrey’s ever had. Gordon smells of sweat, alcohol and puke. He’s awkwardly positioned on his knees, leaning over Benrey’s crossed legs so that he can drape his arms around Benrey’s shoulders. It’s heavy, warm, uncomfortable and Benrey hopes Gordon never lets go. And he doesn’t, he’s actually growing heavier Benrey realises after a while. A soft snore confirms what he’s been suspecting, Gordon has fallen asleep. Well, this is awkward. 

Somehow Benrey manages to get his knees under him and slowly rise to his feet without dropping the man slumped in his arms. Carefully he places Gordon back onto the couch, not bothering with moving some of the stuff from the destroyed Gordon pile. Looking down on the sleeping form Benrey makes a decision. He leaves Gordon sleeping on the couch and walks over to his old... the guest room. It looks the same, if a bit empty now. Tommy had been very thorough when bringing Benrey’s stuff over. He pulls out his phone and sends away a text.

**At feetmans don't wait up im staying the night gonna talk about stuff pls feed N00b and tell her I <3 her**

Laying down on the bed he stares up on the familiar ceiling. Hopefully Gordon will have sobered up by tomorrow. Maybe then they can finally talk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back after two weeks and gosh was that needed. This chapter again turned out much longer than expected, I had to split it into two for the flow to work as I intended (which means I will have to add yet another chapter to my max chapter count XD). But! You won't have to wait long for chapter 18, expect a surprise soon ;)


	18. Chapter 18

The pain is like a drum beating in Gordon’s head, methodically to the rhythm of his own heartbeat. A dream lingers in the back of his mind, something about Benrey that hadn’t made him sad for once. He would like to try and remember it better but the pounding in his head forces him to focus on that instead. 

Groaning and with his eyes still closed he tries reaching out towards the coffee table. He’s almost certain there is a bottle with something left in it. A couple of swigs and it should ease the pain. At first he waves around feeling nothing, before dimly realising that he’s just waving around his stump in the air. Fuck, how more pathetic can you get? Freeing his left arm from where it has been trapped under his body he gives it another go, only to touch something clinking that feels like plastic. The fuck?

Finally cracking his eyes open and hissing at the bright sunlight streaming into the living room Gordon takes in his surroundings. It’s a bag, a black trash bag filled with...bottles? Ok now he’s really confused. He sits up and finds his glasses placed neatly on the armrest. The living room is clean...ish. There is a pile of trash bags on the coffee table and another pile of random stuff by the foot of the couch but otherwise it looks almost normal. It hasn’t been this clean since…

He tries not to focus on that, it’s enough having one headache. 

Had he sleep-cleaned? Or had he gotten so drunk that he’d found a new level of drunk Gordon? It would be practical if that was the case but it feels a bit far-fetched. Who else could have done it? The only one with a key to his house is… Benrey.

There is a soft rustling sound coming from the kitchen. It’s hard to explain the feeling that lights up his chest. A combination of hope and fear that does nothing to ease the nausea squirming in his stomach. Is it Benrey? Or is it someone else that Benrey has given the key to? What if it’s not Benrey but Tommy who sits in his kitchen right now? What if it is Benrey? Is it even someone there or is he hallucinating again? Slowly getting up from the couch Gordon makes his way over to the kitchen almost in a daze. He doesn't dare to hope, doesn’t think he can handle the disappointment if he’s wrong. 

The sun is falling through the kitchen window. The fact that he got morning sun while making breakfast was one of the reasons he’d gotten this house in the first place. Now it reflects on the piles of dirty dishes and on the figure sitting by the kitchen table, tearing out pages from a newspaper. 

“Sup’ Feetman.”

“B-benrey?”

It’s the first time Gordon has seen Benrey in daylight since he made his last shapeshift. Dark body hair in stark contrast to his now pale skin. In the bright light Gordon can see small moles dotting their way up his bare arms. As Benrey glances up at him from beneath his cap Gordon is taken aback by how dark his eyes are, his pupils not even visible in this light. The sight of him is at the same time so strange and yet so familiar. In a way, Benrey looks more alien now that he ever did before his return from Xen. 

Without even thinking of what he’s doing Gordon takes a step towards him. He tries to battle down a need to touch Benrey, to make sure it’s not just another dream or alcohol induced fantasy. A hand rises quickly as Gordon approaches, held out like a stop sign. The short nails are adorned with chipped deep blue nail polish. 

“You stink. Go take a shower.”

“I- what?”

“You’re a nasty little sewage boy.” Benrey makes a decent Dr. Coomer impression and Gordon is so startled by it that he barks out a laugh.

“Oh you think I’m joking Feetman?”

There is an edge to the words and a glint in Benrey’s dark eyes that quickly shuts Gordon up. Benrey returns his focus towards the shredded newspaper and Gordon decides that it might be best not to argue with him right now. Also, a shower sounds like a good idea. 

A shower is actually an _amazing_ idea Gordon decides as he lets the warm water flow down his body. When had he last washed his hair? He doesn’t remember but by the greasy feel of it it’s been way too long. It’s hard not to hurry through the whole ordeal just to get back to the kitchen and Benrey. In a way he’s terrified that he’ll come out and find Benrey gone, either having left or been just a dream lingering in the morning sunlight. Gordon still forces himself to take it slow, washing up and then trying to hunt down some clean clothes. He finds the dryer on a finished program, the clothes inside still warm. They’re also very pink. A red shirt in the middle of his no longer white shirts and sweaters seems to be the culprit. Groaning he slips on a baby pink t-shirt and a pair of jeans that miraculously doesn’t have any stains on them. 

Gordon hesitates before stepping back into the kitchen. The fear that the chair by the table will be empty again suddenly back in full force. But the sound of paper rustling is still present as he walks closer which calms his nervously beatings heart. Benrey has stopped tearing up the newspaper and is now using the strips to fold something, alternating between his project and looking at something on his phone. On the opposite side from him on the table is a glass filled with water and two aspirins. Benrey gives a short nod towards them with his head without looking up from what he’s folding. 

“Thanks.”

Gordon only gets a small grunt as a response, so he swallows the pills and drinks down the glass before trying to start a conversation again.

“I don’t really have any food at home but if you’re hungry-”

“Loops in the pantry, milk in the fridge. You gotta do the dishes though, no bowls.”

That’s not right, Gordon knows for a fact that there is no food in the house, he would not have eaten that potato if it wasn’t the case. 

“What do you mean-”

“You deaf or just stupid?”

The edge in Benrey’s voice is back. Ok, still no room for arguing it seems. 

There are actually Fruit Loops in the pantry, and some pasta and canned food. There is even bread and peanut butter. In the fridge he finds the milk side by side with a Mt. Dew Gordon knows wasn’t there the night before. There are also eggs, some ham and cheese. Had Benrey brought him food? Why? How had he even known Gordon was out? 

“Did you buy all this?”

“Yup.”

“I...thank you.”

“Whatever Feetman, now get scrubbin’.” 

“Right, have you seen my-”

Before he even gets to finish Benrey points toward the sink.There he finds his prosthetic, balancing on top a pile of plates. It’s fingers are curled into a fist with only the middle finger pointing up. Classy. 

The mountain of dishes is a bit daunting so Gordon tries to just clean out a couple of bowls but the look Benrey gives him when Gordon turns to pour the cereals stops him in his tracks. When the fuck had the alien perfected the ‘dissapointed parent’ look? What a terrifying power for him to have. Hurriedly Gordon fills the dishwasher, leaving what can’t fit to soak in the sink. The next problem arises when he tries to find the spoons, of which there are exactly none. 

“Benrey have you seen-”

“What? Are you accusing me of stealing now?”

Gordon turns just in time to see Benrey hide a smile by ducking his head down and looking intently at his phone. A wave of relief washes over him, Benrey is fucking with him. He never thought he would see the day where having Benrey mess with him would make him so ridiculously happy. 

“Alright, guess I’ll just have to drink my cereals then.”

“Wouldn’t have to if you ate them the right way. Soggy-cereals liker.”

The insult is too much for Gordon to handle and the laugh escaping him has him bending over, holding on to the counter in support as he wheezes from the cheer force of it. Benrey doesn’t say anything but keeps his face hidden behind his cap and phone. 

They eat in silence, well mostly silence. Gordon has to slurp embarrassingly loud to be able to not spill the content of his bowl all over his newly dyed t-shirt. Benrey matches the slurping by shoving fistfuls of cereal into his maw, chewing them in the crunchiest way possible. It’s all a mess and Gordon hasn’t been this happy in weeks. The happiness turns into fear the moment Benrey speaks up. 

“We need to talk.” The alien’s voice is a pitch perfect monotone. 

Gordon looks up from his bowl to meet those unreadable eyes again. It’s terrifying, being pinned by that stare, maybe even more than the thousand eyed one Benrey had on Xen. 

“Yeah... I guess we do.”

A heavy silence falls between them. Gordon knows he should start talking but all the words, all the apologies that he’s been rehearsing are suddenly forgotten under the weight of those dark eyes. It’s Benrey who finally breaks the silence.

“You fucked up.”

“I did.” 

What else can Gordon say? It’s the only thing he’s been able to think about the least two weeks. He feels shame rising to his face and he keeps his eyes fixed on the bowl in front of him, not daring to even look at Benrey. 

“What cha’ going to do about it?”

The words have Gordon snap his head up, a small light of hope igniting in his chest. Benrey sits with his hands folded in front of him, a calm that Gordon has only seen him have during certain gaming sessions enveloping him.

“I- I want to start with apologizing. I’m so fucking sorry, for everything. I shouldn’t have...I did a lot of stupid shit.”

“Like?”

Oh fuck Benrey is really going for his throat. 

“I punched you when you first came here.”

Benrey’s eyes actually widened in surprise at that. 

“Wow, you’re doing the whole list now. Feetman’s top 100 cringe compilation. Alright, keep going.”

The joking words do not match Benrey’s calm demeanor and do nothing to quell the fear churning in his gut. Gordon swallows, throat suddenly feeling very dry and heartbeat hammering in his ears. He can do this. Just keep talking. Get everything out there. 

“I shouldn’t have hurt you...”

Glancing up towards Benrey Gordon finds him with his cap pushed back a bit, one eyebrow raised and not looking impressed. Of course that wouldn’t be enough. Come on, talking shouldn’t be this hard. Gordon feels his throat tighten up. He doesn't want to cry, it’s not his place to cry right now. But the guilt is spreading in his chest, every embarrassing and fucked up thing he’s done both before and after the Resonance Cascade swirling in his head. 

“Is that it Feetman? That's all you have to say to me?” 

Benrey’s eyes have grown hard, arms crossed over his chest as he observes Gordon with a coldness that makes him want to run away. Fuck! Just talk dammit, all the words are in there so why can’t he get them out? 

“I- I shouldn’t have let you leave! I should have-”

Benrey stands up from his seat with such force that the chair falls clattering to the floor. His blank face suddenly awashed in rage and voice trembling with anger as he speaks. 

“Letting me? You- You’d what? Keep me locked up? You say you wanna keep me around but you’re doing a kinda shit job Feetman.You want to apologize but all I hear is that same stupid shit you said on Xen. You fucking know- I didn’t want- You know how I feel! Why don’t you tell me- What the fuck do you want? You’re not being a great cool right now!”

Benrey falls silent, trembling fists clenched at his sides. Clear sweet voice pours out with every wheezing breath he takes. 

Gordon feels tears stinging in his eyes. Benrey is right. Right about everything. Everything he tries to say comes out wrong and hurtful. He fucked up again, like he always does. And now Benrey will leave, he won’t come back a second time. Gordon is out of chances. 

_‘It’s ok to feel things Gordon.’_ A memory suddenly floats up to the forefront of his brain, Tommy’s voice echoing in his brain. _‘Feelings aren’t- you can’t control h-how you feel, only how you act on those feelings. B-but hiding them, locking them away will only make t-the acting part harder. That will- you’ll risk hurting people.’_

Tommy really is the smartest person Gordon knows. And he was just as right then as he is now. Stop making excuses. Actually tell Benrey how you feel. You can do this. Pushing up his glasses Gordon dries away the tears, forcing himself to look directly at Benrey.

“I should have told you how important you are to me.”

Benrey freezes up, going completely still. The fact that Benrey doesn’t look like he’s about to tear Gordon’s throat out anymore gives him the courage to continue. 

“Having you here and getting to know you, the actual you, it really saved me, Benrey. I don’t know if I would have survived being by myself after the Resonance Cascade. And even before that- being with you is the closest thing I’ve had to an actual home in years. I- I like you, I like you a lot. You might actually be my best friend if I'm being honest. And you were my friend long before that night we got drunk together, even if I was too stupid to realize it.”

Studying Benrey’s face he tries to discern what he’s feeling right now. He needs to make him understand. Please let him understand! 

Benrey’s face has fallen back to that same unreadable state as earlier. Gordon can feel the panic start to rise in his throat again. He can’t fuck this up. 

“I- I know I might not deserve to have you in my life after everything I’ve done. After...after everything I’ve put you through.” 

His voice wavers. Ah fuck, he can feel the tears start to gather in his eyes again. Don’t cry, not now. 

“I- please just... give me a chance. I can- I want to be the kind of person you deserve... One who doesn’t... who doesn’t fucking hurt you. You deserve…” 

A tear slips down his cheek and he moves to wipe it away. Don’t cry, hold them in. 

“I missed you so fucking much Benrey! I hate it when you’re not here. I miss talking to you, laughing and cooking and... even the stupid shit you say. You’re annoying and so fucking funny man-” 

Trying to hold back his tears is impossible, they flow freely as Gordon tries to keep talking between sobbing gasps. A voice whispers in the back of his head, the same one that has been whispering to him since the day Benrey disappeared. Gordon doesn’t deserve a chance. 

“...and I don’t want to lose you again! Please I... I’m so sorry... I’m sorry Benrey…”

Gordon’s head feels so heavy, like his all the thoughts are literally weighing it down. Who is he kidding? Benrey will leave and he will be all alone again. That’s what Gordon deserves, Benrey will be much happier without him anyway. He only ever hurts the people he loves. 

Gordon hiccups and snivels, a hand coming up to wipe some snot away. His head spins as a pressing nausea builds in his throat. Stumbling back he leans against the wall, letting himself slide down to the floor. The words ‘sorry’ falling like a mantra from his lips. 

\---

Benrey watches in disbelief as Gordon sinks to the floor. What a fucking bastard.

Give it to Gordon “shits for brain” Feetman to give the stupidest, most cringe worthy, fucking _heartbreaking_ apology Benrey’s ever heard. Everything had gone so smooth. Got to boss Gordon around, even yelled at him when he started saying stupid shit. Even got to be real mad and everything. But then Gordon had to be a stinky bastard, being all rosy-sweet and shit. Part of Benrey still wants to be mad at him, but that flame had gotten snuffed out the moment this cringy bastard started blubbering and calling him his best friend. 

How is Benrey supposed to deal with that?

Looking down he takes in the sight of the man curled up against the wall. Gordon is hiding his face in his arms, knees pulled against his chest as if to make himself as small as possible. 

He looks so... broken. 

Something cracks inside Benrey. The stone wall of anger and betrayal crumbling at the sight before him, they’ve gone through too much for him to just let it end like this. Gordon had given Benrey a place in his home, freedom and even... friendship. Sure he’d fucked up a lot but hadn’t Benrey as well? Gordon had given _him_ a chance, had forgiven both the betrayal and Xen. Perhaps it is Benrey’s turn now.

Walking up to Gordon he sinks to his knees, gently wrapping his arms around the crying man’s heaving shoulders. Gordon tense up for a second before he sags against Benrey’s chest. A tired sigh escapes Benrey as he leans his head against Gordon’s shoulder. 

“It’s ok. We’re ok.”

The sobs pick up, wrecking Gordon’s body as he melts into the embrace.

This is nothing like the hug from yesterday, nothing like any hug Benrey’s ever experienced before for that matter. He has never cradled someone to his chest like this, hold them like he’s the one protecting them. Tears well in Benrey’s eyes and he tightens his grip around Gordon as they begin to roll down his cheeks. Stinky emotions...

They keep holding onto each other until Gordon’s sobbing finally ebbs out and Benrey’s own tears stop falling. And Benrey doesn’t let go, he doesn't want to. Not yet. He is finally forced to when Gordon gently pushes him away to look up at Benrey with tear stained cheeks. 

“Thank you... thank you Benrey. I’ll work so fucking hard to be a good friend I’ll-” 

Benrey interrupts him, no more of this sappy crap please and thank you. Gordon has embarrassed him enough as it is. 

“Wow... not even- not even gonna offer to cut your arm off? Kinda lame declaration of friendship Gordon.” His voice is still slightly cracked with tears but he makes up for it with a wide toothy grin. 

Gordon barks out a startled laugh that grows and blooms until he’s shaking with it, new tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. Benrey’s heart skips a beat at the sight. 

Giving a wet chuckle Gordon gathers himself. He unlatches his prosthetic and drops it in Benrey’s lap with a lopsided grin. 

“Here, but do you really want me to get worse at Mario Kart?” 

Benrey stares down at the arm in his lap, too many emotions crowding his chest to properly express. He chooses to hide it by wiping his tear stained face on Gordon’s t-shirt. 

“Ew, really? That’s gross man.”

There are still traces of laughter in Gordon’s voice, and even with his complaining he doesn't push Benrey away. 

“Shut the fuck bro, I do what I want.”

When Benrey finally raises his head his eyes lock with Gordons, and for a moment, they just stare at each other. Benrey’s brain stutters, then restarts before coming back online. Abort! Get some space right now! He shoots to his feet. Holding in the sweet voice threatening to escape Benrey offers a hand to Gordon.

“You gonna… uhh... live on the floor now? Gordon Floorman?”

Looking a bit dazed Gordon accepts the outstretched hand, letting Benrey drag him to his feet. Once upright he squints, making a measuring gesture from his own head to Benrey’s.

“Did you- uh, are you taller now?”

“Lil bit. Good height to headbutt stupid Feetmen.”

“Really? You’re gonna headbutt me?”

“Or bite your nose off, kept the chompers just for you.” 

“Oh you’d go for my nose? That’s harsh man. That’s my most handsome feature!” 

“Bro those were the _nice_ options, Tommy didn’t let me keep the acid breath.”

“Okay, you’re fucking with me.”

Benrey smacks his lips and grins. Walking back to the table he picks up the thing he’d been folding at breakfast and handing it to Gordon. It’s a little flat origami fist with its middle finger folded up. 

“Oh bet? Fuck around and find out, Feetman.” 

Accepting the little piece of paper Gordon breaks down laughing again. It’s the absolute best sound in the world Benrey decides once again, for the millionth time. 

“This is going up on the fridge! I didn’t know you knew how to fold stuff like this.” 

Walking over to the fridge Gordon pins it with a magnet next to a crudely drawn picture of three stick figures. The action really shouldn’t make Benrey feel like he’s won first prize in a competition; he didn’t even know he was competing in one. 

Ah shit he’s getting sappy again, time for a distraction.

“Whatever, you’re still messy. Can’t even fold your clothes. Should do that...” 

To his surprise Gordon obeys immediately, turning on his heel and all but jogs out of the kitchen. It barely takes him a minute before he’s back though, arms full with pink clothes in different shades. 

“When I’m done with this do you maybe wanna play something?” 

Benrey actually considers it for a moment. It would be fun to play something but he’s already been away from N00b a bit too long for comfort. Can’t risk having the little one forget him now that she has a new friend to play with. 

“Nah, gotta get home and feed N00b.”

“Oh.” 

Gordon obviously tries not to sound disappointed but his whole body seems to sag at the answer and Benrey immediately feels a bit bad. 

“Buuuuut...we can play something online when I get home, have my own Switch and everything now.”

If Gordon had a tail it would probably be wagging right now, his face much the same as when Benrey asks Sunkist if she wants to go for a walk. 

“Yeah sure, we can do that. I would offer you a ride home but I don’t think I should drive after the night I had yesterday.”

“Hey, speaking of that…” Benrey fidgets a bit, he’s not good at talking about these kinds of things. It’s more Tommy’s territory, but Tommy isn’t here right now and... Gordon and Benrey are friends again, friends who talk. “...you gonna be alright by yourself bro?”

A look of shame passes over Gordon’s face, eyes wandering off to the side as he rubs his neck in that now very familiar way. 

“I- I’m not good at dealing with... trauma I guess. It’s not the first time I... it got really bad after I got divorced. That’s kinda why I moved here, the job at Black Mesa gave me something to focus on that wasn’t... yeah.”

“Still haven’t answered my question.”

“I think I... I need distractions. It sucks if I’m alone with my thoughts. They get too loud and I- the alcohol helps keep it quiet.” 

“Yeah well I’m revoking your... uhh... nasty beer privileges. No more drinking ok? You gotta... you can call me, if it gets too loud. Or Tommy, or the Boomers. We’re all here for you dumbass.”

Gordon’s eyes have gone a bit glassy, and he quickly brings a hand up to wipe away the tears. 

“Yeah. I’ll... I’ll try and do that from now on. Thank you Benrey, for everything.”

Gordon takes a step forward, placing his hand on Benrey’s shoulder. It’s heavy and warm and its touch sets Benrey’s whole body on fire. 

“Uhh... whatever bro. Gotta- gotta take care of my cringey best friend apparently. Big baby can’t even get food.”

A sudden snicker escapes Gordon and a finger comes up and pokes Benreys cheek.

“Hey would you look at that. You can actually see when you’re blushing with this new skin.”

Benrey makes a sound that’s somewhere between a dying mouse and a strangled vuvuzela before all but jumping away from Gordon’s probing hand. 

“No! Shut your... uhhh gay mouth. I’m leaving.” Turning on his heel Benrey pauses in the door to the kitchen before looking over his shoulder at Gordon. “I’ll text your stupid ass when I get home. And take out the trash. You nasty.”

The loud and breathy laugh that follows Benrey as he speedwalks down the hall plays on repeat in his head the whole walk home. He should record it one day, make it Gordon’s ringtone. 

He’s barely gotten inside Tommy’s apartment when his phone buzzes with a text message. 

**Benrey! Why is there a spoon in my sneaker?! >:(**

The sweet voice that pours out as he cackles at the text is bright yellow, little suns floating around his head. 

“W-well would you look at- at that.”

In the doorway to the kitchen stands Tommy, soda in hand and an infuriating smug look on his face. 

“Don’t…”

“I tol-”

“Don’t say it Tommy! Imma eat your beyblade collection if you do!” 

“...told you s-so.”

“You think I’m clownin bro? Your beyblades are lunch.”

Benrey takes off into a sprint down the hall chased by a giggling Tommy, yellow sweet voice trailing them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise chapter drop! Told you you wouldn't have to wait long. This is the part you've all been waiting for. The big talk! Finally these two idiots can start getting along again. Still no love confession though ;) 
> 
> Thank you all for your patience and letting me have an extra week to work on this. I'm going to be honest, I might need it for next chapter as well. Things at work are picking up so I won't have as much time/energy to write on weekdays anymore. The chapter keeps getting longer as well as I have more and more to say as we get closer to the end. But don't worry, even if I disappear for an extra week my flame for this story is still going strong. I want to see it finished just as much as you do <3
> 
> I’ve gotten fan art again!! Go give the artists all the love!  
> https://elvie-arts.tumblr.com/post/641858755291693056/beep-boop-oops-drew-some-more-hlvrai-this-time
> 
> https://une-nightshade.tumblr.com/post/641805733405622272/todaytomorrowgiraff-read-the-latest-chapters


	19. Chapter 19

The phone lays dark and motionless on the couch’s armrest while Gordon does his best to ignore it. He will hear if Benrey calls or texts, he has activated both sound and vibration... just in case. There is no use for him to keep checking it, it’s not like a text will arrive faster because of it. And Benrey hadn’t even specified a time that he would call, just that they would game ‘later’ when he’d gotten home and fed N00b. How long was it on foot between Tommy’s and his house? That depends how fast you are walking Gordon assumes. Was Benrey hurrying home? Was he taking his time? Oh god, what if he regrets promising to contact Gordon at all? Walking home would give Benrey ample opportunity to think through all the pathetic shit Gordon had been spouting. Deciding that Gordon wasn’t worth his time anyway, decided that he didn’t want anything to do with-

The phone’s high pitch drill almost has Gordon falling off the couch. Fumbling with it, he almost drops it twice before managing to unlock and answer the call.

“Yo Feetman. What up?”

Relief floods Gordon’s body with such force that he almost feels dizzy. Or he might just be very hungover. He could _really_ use a drink right about now. But he won’t, he made a promise, he will keep it. Be a functional adult. A good friend. 

“Still looking for my spoons. Are you sure you don’t know how two of them ended up in my sneakers?” 

“Wuh…”

“Remember the no bullshitting rule?”

“Don’t live at casa del Feetman anymore, rules don’t apply to me, I’m an...” There is a pause as Benrey smacks his lips thoughtfully “...outlaw.” 

Gordon barks a laugh, god has he missed Benrey’s stupid leaps in logic.

“What a heel turn Mr. I-need-to-see-your-passport. What happened to the law abiding security guard we all know and... like?” 

“You like me Gordon? Kinda gay.”

Suddenly he is very thankful that this conversation takes place over the phone, it’s much easier to hide a blush if the other person can’t see your face. 

“C’mon Benrey, I declared you my best friend like two hours ago. Yes, I like you, you stupid idiot!” 

Harsh words in a fond voice, the taste of it is familiar and almost nostalgic. This is how it is supposed to be, how it always should have been. Until he…

“...game or what?”

The sound of Benrey’s monotone voice pulls Gordon back to the here and now. How long had he been talking?”

“What?”

“You’re ears plugged or something? I said, you wanna game or what?”

“Uhh yeah sure... what do you have that we can play online?”

They end up in a Mario Kart tournament, their usual routine of trash talking and making the game as hard as possible for each other back in full force.

“A blue shell, really? Really Benrey?!”

“M’ just playing the game, don’t be a sore loser bro.” 

“Everyone knows that blueshelling someone on the last lap is borderline cheating.”

“If you’re going to be a big baby about it we can just turn off items.”

“Hell no! I will beat you fair and square. Best out of three!”

Gordon doesn’t know when he falls asleep. He only meant to rest his eyes for a second while Benrey took a toilet break. It isn’t even late or anything, but a week of fitful sleeping finally catches up to him. The calm he feels having Benrey... well, not close by but on the line at least, has his body relaxed and mind peacefully slipping into sleep. 

He jolts awake, the sensation of freefalling slowly leaving him as Gordon scrambles to take in his surroundings. It’s dark and for a second he thinks he’s back in that room in Black Mesa, soldiers about to barge in with guns and knives. He feels panic start to build in the back of his throat when suddenly a voice talking into his ear pulls him back into reality. 

“You awake Napman?”

“B-benrey?”

“Sup.”

“Where... where are you?”

“Uuuhh... at Tommy’s place... on the phone with you. You hit your head falling off the couch or something?” 

Taking a deep breath Gordon tries to calm his beating heart and looks around. The room is dark and blurry but it’s definitely his living room. His glasses are missing and outside the windows night has fallen. How long has he been asleep?

“‘Bout four hours.” 

Apparently he had said the last part out loud. 

“Wait, I fell asleep for four hours and you just... stayed on the phone?”

A vaguely confirming sound comes from the other side. The tightness in Gordon’s chest is back, the same one that always seems to come when Benrey extends this kind of kindness towards him. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Benrey waste so much time just staying on the phone? Why does he even care? Just...

“Why?”

“You said best out of three, haven’t beaten you a third time.”

The blunt answer in that monotone voice stops whatever negative spiral Gordon is just about to enter. A laughter bubbles up and slowly dissipates the tightness in his chest. 

“Ok one, don’t be cocky. Two, that’s not how best out of three works. And three... thank you. I promise to stay awake this time.”

“Good. You snore. Big time.”

“I do not!”

“Do to. Almost blew out my headphones with that foghorn bro.” 

“Stop making shit up and start another tournament will you?” 

Gordon only gets an exaggerated cartoon snore for an answer.

They do have to hang up eventually, Gordon reluctantly suggesting it when he hears Benrey yawn for a third time in five minutes. Benrey tries to protest and however much Gordon wants to give in, he stands his ground. They both need some proper sleep. Afterwards he sits with his phone in his hand for a long time. In a way it’s hard to believe that things have turned out so well, that everything is solved now. Although that’s not really true. There is still so much in Gordon’s life that is...bad. But at least for tonight he got to feel a little bit of peace. 

The next day Gordon does some much needed cleaning of his own. Benrey had only scratched the surface of what needed to be done. If Gordon is being totally honest the house hadn’t been in tip top shape even before Benrey had moved out. When was the last time he vacuumed the stairs? Or mopped the kitchen floors? Had he even washed the windows since he moved here? In reality, he’s isn’t entirely sure he wants to know. 

It will be good to get things clean, both for himself and for the fact that Joshua is coming to stay in just two weeks. He needs to be a functioning adult for his son, and adults keep their house clean. 

It starts out going well, he puts away the newly folded pink laundry and loads the washing machine with a new batch. Picking up in the living room comes next, getting rid of the clutter. He feels proud of himself for cleaning out all the shit that has been gathering up like bad memories over the past few weeks.

It’s when Gordon gets to vacuuming that things start going downhill. The loud noise of the vacuum feels overwhelming and a headache slowly blooms behind his forehead, turning into high pitched ringing in his ears. Then his arm starts hurting and he feels himself grow warm and short of breath. As Gordon’s heartbeat picks up he recognizes the oncoming signs of an anxiety attack and he is forced to turn off the vacuum and sit down on the couch with his head between his legs. Is this his life now? Barely being able to vacuum half a room before his own stupid head decides that he’s in mortal danger. 

Pathetic. 

He finds himself in front of the liquor cabinet not even aware that he’d gotten up and moved, his real hand already gripping the neck of a half filled bottle of cheap bourbon. Pulling back as if he’s been burned Gordon hastily closes the cabin again and stumbles back to the couch. This isn’t working. Even he can admit to having a problem if he needs to drink to get through regular daily tasks. 

_‘You gotta... you can call me, if it gets too loud.’_

Thumbing on his phone Gordon pulls up Benrey’s number but does not click the call button. Even if Benrey had said that... he’d already wasted enough of his time yesterday falling asleep during their gaming session. Gordon can’t call him again can he? That wouldn’t be fair. But he still needs help, company, something to take the mind of his own shortcomings and need to drink. Scrolling down a bit further he ends up on Tommy’s number. Good middle ground. Tommy had also said to call him if Gordon ever needed anything. And Gordon hasn’t really kept in contact as a good friend should the last couple of weeks. Yeah, this will work, Tommy is safe, he can trust Tommy.

“Hello Mr- Mr. Freeman!” Tommy’s voice chipper as always when he picks up on the third ring. 

“Hi Tommy, how you doing?”

“Oh I’m doing fan- really great. It’s g-good to hear your v-voice again. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too buddy.” 

Scratching his beard, he really needs a shave, Gordon tries to figure out how to go from here. Is it too forward to just ask for help directly? Maybe he should just ask if Tommy wants to hang out. Luckily Tommy gives him a good opening. 

“How are- are you holding up Mr. Freeman?”

Well, no point of lying now. 

“Not great actually. I think... I think I could use some company today if I’m being honest.” 

There! He asked for help and the world didn’t explode. See, progress. 

“Oh…” The concern in Tommy’s voice has Gordon’s stomach knot in guilt. “I would love to k-keep you company but I- oh no... maybe I c-can reschedule... they’ll understand and I-”

Ah, of course Tommy is busy. He’s an adult with an actual life, not some sad sack who sits home playing video games all day. Gordon tries to keep the disappointment mixed with guilt out of his voice, putting on an overly positive tone.

“No, please, don’t cancel plans on my account. I’ll manage, don’t worry! What... what are you up to today?”

There is a slight shuffle on the other end, the sound of Tommy shifting the phone to his other ear. 

“I’m- it’s a d-date actually.”

“What? Really?! Congratulations man! Who’s the lucky person?”

“You remember D-darnold, right?”

Gordon feels the fingers on his prosthetic twitch involuntarily. The memory of searing metal growing out of his very skin flashing past. 

“Hard to forget someone who makes you grow a gun for an arm. They got out then?”

“Y-yeah... we’ve been talking a bit and- they’re really smart Mr. Freeman, and funny. W-we’re going on a tour in a Mt. Dew factory.”

He can hear the excitement in Tommy’s voice. Fuck, if anyone deserves to go on a date it’s Tommy. Gordon can’t ruin that just because he can’t grow up and get shit done for once. 

“That sounds awesome Tommy! Don’t worry about me, I’ll manage.”

“Oh but.. I could- are you sure Mr. Freeman?”

“One hundred percent.” Gordon lies in the most reassuring voice he can manage. 

“If- if you say so… Oh but- we could- Benrey is free today!”

Gordon struggles to try and think of an excuse, he really doesn’t want to bother Benrey anymore. That’s why he called Tommy in the first place! He’d rather handle this alone than risk ruining the friendship they’ve just started to rebuild with his own messy life. 

“No I don’t want to-” But Tommy is already shouting Benrey’s name, the sound slightly muffled as he covers the phone’s microphone with his hand. The sound of a muted conversation can be heard and Gordon distinctly recognises the intonation of Benrey’s deadpan voice even if he can’t hear the words. 

“H-here he is now. Let’s h-hang out all three some other d-day, ok M. Freeman?”

“Tommy, dont-!”

“Yo Feetman.”

Damn traitorous brain getting so happy over only hearing this idiot’s voice. 

“Hi Benrey.”

“I’m disappointed bro, you rather hang with Tommy than your best bud? Kinda mean of you.”

“We hung out all day yesterday!”

“What, two days in a row suddenly too much for you?”

Benrey’s voice is teasing but Gordon suddenly feels even more guilty than before. It hasn’t even gone a day and he’s already managed to fuck things up. He battles down the urge to just hang up and hide the guilt and himself under a blanket. Talk! Like! An adult! Gordon can do that.

“I don’t... I didn’t want to be a bother. We’ve only just made up yesterday and I was... afraid that you would think I was annoying. Just because you’ve forgiven me doesn’t give me the right-”

“You’re kinda dumb you know that?.”

Gordon’s stream of guilty conscious is cut off by Benrey’s insult. Blinking a couple of times he tries to find his way back to his train of thoughts, but it has already left the platform. 

“Wha- what?”

“Told you to call if stuff got stupid. No time limit on that. Unlimited offer. Open 24-7.”

“Oh…”

“So uhhh... you want me to come over and hang?”

He wants that... even more than he wants to numb his inner voice with alcohol, Gordon wants to see Benrey again. 

“Yes I- that would be awesome.”

“Cool! Gonna have Tommy drop me off. He’s gonna be off smooching all- HEY!” 

There is a thud and the sound of a muffled struggle before Tommy, voice slightly strained is heard through the phone. 

“I’ll drop him off in- Ow, no b-biting Benrey! In t-ten minutes Mr. Freeman.”

Then the call is abruptly cut off and Gordon finds himself sitting on the couch, phone in hand and a strangely giddy feeling in his chest. 

In the end it takes over thirty minutes before he hears a car stop on the driveway. Going to the front door he manages to catch a glimpse of Tommy in the driver's seat of a yellow Volkswagen bus covered in flower stickers. It’s exactly the kind of car Gordon had imagined Tommy driving. Opening the door he gives a small wave which Tommy answers with a smile before driving away. On the driveway stands Benrey, hair hidden beneath the chullo and a Switch case sticking out from the hoodie pocket. 

“M’ here for our playdate”

Gordon almost chokes on the sudden laughter bubbling up in his throat. 

“Oh my god Benrey don’t call it that. We’re not five.”

Benrey smacks his lips and gives him an unimpressed once over. 

“You’re not? Could have fooled me.”

“Shut up and come inside. I’m already regretting asking you to come over.”

“No you don’t.”

Dammit! When did Benrey get so good at calling his bluffs?

Well inside, Benrey marches past him and steers directly into the kitchen, throwing open the fridge door and giving it a critical look.

“Kinda empty in here.”

“Yeah, I haven’t gotten around to- I started out cleaning but…” Gordon wonders how to explain that a vacuum almost made him feel like he was about to die.

Benrey glances around at the clean dishes still in the machine, the stuff still soaking in the sink, the dirty countertops and the shredded newspaper from yesterday lying on the dinner table. Gritting his teeth Gordon waits for the taunts and name calling. For Benrey to call him messy, lazy, a sad excuse of a person who can’t even keep his home in order. 

“Need help?”

It takes him a couple of seconds to actually register what Benrey has said, and when it finally does he has to hold back the tears gathering in his eyes. Fuck, why couldn’t it always be this simple. 

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“Aight. Imma put the dishes away.” 

Making a show of rolling up the sleeves of his hoodie Benrey gets to work on emptying out the dishwasher. Gordon tries not to let his eyes linger on Benrey’s suddenly very visible forearms but it’s hard not following the patterns of moles dotting the pale skin... like constellations? He distracts himself with wiping off a couple of weeks worth of grime off the countertops. 

They spend a couple of hours like that, Benrey picking up new tasks sometimes by himself and sometimes asking Gordon what needs to be done. Benrey _does_ start up with the teasing again after finding a sock hanging from the shade of a table lamp.

“You leave your crusty socks just lying around Feetman?” 

Gordon makes a disgusted face at him as Benrey keeps waving it way too close to Gordon’s face.

“Don’t call it that.”

“What, crusty?”

“Yes!”

“Crusty lil cu-”

“Finish that sentence and I _will_ make you eat it!”

Benrey thinks about that for a second before opening his mouth to speak. Not giving him the chance Gordon snags the sock out of his hand and then moves to grab Benrey to make good on his promise. Benrey seems to be expecting this though and sprints off to the other side of the sofa, cackling and spewing yellow sweet voice all over the room. 

The house gets clean eventually, even if the cleaning gets interrupted by several similar little battles of wits and will. Gordon has the distinct feeling that he’s lost every single one of them, but it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that his home is cleaner than it has been in months and his sides hurt from all the laughter Benrey has forced out of him. What finally halts the cleaning is Benrey’s stomach making an obscene rumbling noise and Gordon realising that he hasn’t eaten anything since the bowl of fruit loops he had for breakfast. 

“I think we deserve some food after all that hard work. I can order some pizza if you want?”

“Nah, dun want pizza. Let’s cook something.”

God, it’s almost embarrassing how happy it makes Gordon hearing that Benrey wants to pick up their old routine of cooking together. It really had been one of the things Gordon had missed the most when not having Benrey around. It was also one of the reasons he’d started to avoid the kitchen after a while, too many ghosts in there. 

“Sure, dunno what we can make though. Like you said, my fridge is kind of empty at the moment.”

“Eh, we’ll figure something out.”

And they do. To Gordon’s surprise Benrey pulls out both pasta and marinara sauce from the pantry, things he knows weren’t there just the other day. He asks if Benrey had picked it up but gets no proper answer, only an avoiding insult and a small soft punch to the arm. Gordon takes the hint and drops it. 

It’s easy falling back into their old roles in the kitchen. Gordon is in charge of spices and the more advanced aspects of the dish and Benrey is the muscle, taking care of everything that needs to get chopped and or peeled. 

“I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things. We can do the tango just for two.”

Gordon’s head snaps up from where he’s stirring the pasta water to look over at Benrey who is... singing? 

“I can serenade and gently play on your heart strings. Be your Valentino just for you.”

He is! Thinking back Gordon realises that this is the first time he has ever heard Benrey sing without sweet voice. The words are somehow familiar and sung with a low slightly raspy voice, it’s monotone but somehow still not out of tune. 

“Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy. What're you doin' tonight, hey, boy?”

Suddenly the words click and Gordon recognises it. It’s a Queen song and he actually knows the lyrics to the chorus. When Benrey sings the next few lines Gordon can’t help but sing along. 

“Set my alarm, turn on my charm. That's because I'm a good old-fashioned loverboy.”

Benrey looks up at him, surprise soon turning into a wide grin. 

“You serenading me Gordon?” 

“Hey now, you were the one that started singing. If anything, you're serenading me.”

Benrey’s eyes widen slightly, ears turning a distinct darker color. Watching Benrey blush is fascinating but Gordon decides to show some mercy and changes the subject. 

“Since when do you listen to Queen? Or sing for that matter?”

Returning his gaze to the cutting board Benrey continues to cut garlic with renewed vigor. 

“Tommy likes em’. Play it all the time when doing stuff, sings too. Didn’t uuuhh... didn’t know you couldn’t sing without a licence. S’ kinda cool.” 

Gordon holds back a laugh, he doesn't want Benrey to feel that he’s making fun of the gaps in his knowledge of the real world. The thought of karaoke bars asking the patrons for their licence before stepping up on the scene is a hilarious one though. Speaking of…

“You know about the game SingStar?”

“Wuh?”

“In that case I know _exactly_ what we’re doing after dinner.”

That’s how they end up in a weird sort of co-op battle, trying to beat the SingStar version of Bohemian Rhapsody. When they come to the really high parts Benrey cheats with his sweet voice sending Gordon into a laughing fit that derials the rest of the song. 

The rest of the evening is spent like that, when their voices can’t handle more karaoke they switch over to Tekken. That battle rages on until Gordon has to opt out due to his arm hurting. Benrey doesn’t even complain, seamlessly pulling out his Switch and showing off his new and improved Pass Port 2.0 island in Animal Crossing, now with two gnome holes! 

Gordon doesn’t even notice how late it’s gotten until he starts nodding off, Benrey’s monotone voice rambling on about “stonks” slowly lulling him to sleep.

“Hey, Feetman.”

Sitting up Gordon almost headbutts Benrey in the chin, his head having come to a rest on his guest’s shoulder apparently. 

“I’m awake!”

“S’ ok. Think Tommy is done with his date now, imma text him and see if he can pick me up. You can go be Gordon Sleepman.”

There is a sudden surge of panic that washes through Gordon at those words. He doesn’t want to be alone. Not now when it’s already dark and he knows sleep will elude him and he’ll be awake with the dark thoughts creeping ever closer. A wave of guilt follows the panic at the thought of asking Benrey to stay. He’s already done so much, Gordon can’t ask even more of him. And anyway, what kind of person can’t even sleep a night alone in his own house? Get a grip Gordon!

“Uhm… you ok there?”

Snapping his eyes back to Benrey, Gordon finds his hand gripping the other man’s wrist so hard his knuckles are turning white. When had he even…? Retrieving the hand he gives what he hopes is an apologetic smile. No use trying to act unbothered now.

“Yeah I... you could just... stay here if you want to.”

Benrey levels him with a look that is much more somber than Gordon is prepared for. He finds himself unable to break away from the dark eyed gaze pinning him in place. 

“M’ not moving back.”

Fuck! Of course that's how it had sounded. Not that Gordon wouldn’t love it if Benrey… No time for that! Gotta explain himself. Fucking _speak_ Gordon!

“No I mean just for tonight, it’ll be like a sleepover. Your- the guest room is still free.

The intensity in Benrey’s eyes waver, replaced by a look of slight confusion.

“That’s not a sleepover.”

“It isn’t?”

“Nah, sleepovers are like- you sleep on the floor in big piles and shit right?”

Gordon wheezes a laugh at that. 

“If you’re in a teen movie! Or are like... five years old.”

“What. You too good to sleep on the floor now? Can’t handle a pillow fight, frieeeend?” 

Still wheezing Gordon slams Benrey’s face with one of the couch pillows. Benrey swiftly grabs it out of Gordon’s hand, a dangerously sharp smile on his face. Mistakes might have been made. The resulting pillowfight is short but intense, ending with Gordon buried under the majority of his own couch cushion and Benrey practically sitting on top of the pile like a deranged king of the hill.

“You give?”

Managing to free one hand from the mountain of pillow Gordon slaps the side of the couch.

“I give up! You win. Please let me up, I'm drowning down here!”

Benrey effortlessly slides off the pile but doesn’t try to help Gordon free himself, opting to watch him cross legged from the floor. 

“What do I win?” Even when he’s not smiling Gordon can still hear the shit eating grin in Benrey’s voice. 

“Fine, we'll have sleep over your way. But I’m not sleeping on the floor! I’ll take the couch and-” But Gordon doesn’t get to finish, Benrey has already sprinted off in the direction of the guest room, coming back with his arms full of both the mattress and the bedding. 

“Imma build a pillow fort!”

Gordon can’t help but to chuckle at Benrey’s enthusiasm. His face is still red from the pillow fight, hair tousled and sticking out in all directions. It’s gotten pretty long Gordon notices, almost reaching Benrey’s shoulder by this point. Maybe he could offer to cut it, it would be a good excuse to get to touch Benrey’s hair a bit more and… And where the fuck is his thoughts going right now? Shaking his head Gordon brings himself back to the present. The “fort” Benrey is currently constructing is lacking a good foundation and will probably topple over if you so much as look at it the wrong way. It is obvious that Benrey is in need of an expert in the field. 

“You’re going to trash the whole living room like this. Here... if we use the coffee table as a base we can build it like this.”

Benrey somehow convinces him to incorporate the TV in the construction and demands that it’s inaugurated by a final match of Tekken. Squeezed together in the cramped space Gordon can’t really focus on the match and promptly loses. 

“Hah. My fort now. Means you gotta go, no boys or humans allowed.”

Carefully crawling out of the still kinda rickety construction Gordon puts on a voice of mock hurt. 

“Whatever, I’m going to build my own fort. Only boys and humans allowed.”

“You building a gay club Feetman?”

Gordon steals a pillow in retaliation. 

It’s almost midnight when Gordon finally convinces Benrey to try and go to sleep in what he has dubbed ‘The gamer pad’. Gordon meanwhile sets up camp on the couch, hoping that the lumpy cushions won’t do too much of a number on his poor back. 

“You good in there?”

The light of Benrey’s phone lights up his pale face which is partially obscured by the fort's blanket ‘door’.

“M’ good. Don’t come inside. No boys allowed.”

Gordon chuckles as he feels sleep overtake him. There is a calm inside his head that he hasn’t felt in weeks, the voices silenced for now. 

...

He is chasing something... or someone. Gordon isn’t sure, all he knows they keep pulling further and further ahead. He doesn’t want them to, if he loses sight of them they’ll disappear for good and it will be Gordon’s fault! He just needs to move faster, call out to them to get their attention. But his legs feel like they move in syrup and his voice only comes out as a whisper no matter how loud he shouts. Reaching his hand out he finds it missing, even if he did catch up he has nothing to hold onto them with. They’ll disappear and he’ll never see Benrey-”

“...don.”

Reality slowly comes back into focus, at least as much focus as it can be without his glasses. It’s also not helped by the fact that tears are pooling in his eyes and sliding down his cheeks. Taking a deep shaking breath, Gordon tries to slow his wildly beating heart.

“Gordon. You ok bro’?”

Benrey sits on his knees beside the couch, a look of concern on his face. Right... Benrey is here, they’re having a sleepover. It’s ok, he’s not gone. He’s right here and he’s not…

A sob wracks through Gordon’s body and he throws an arm over his eyes to hide the tears. 

“Your brain being stupid?”

Gordon manages a nod. He sure has a very stupid brain right now. A brain that can’t stop focusing on the feeling of loss in the dream. Can’t stop picturing Benrey’s back moving further and further away while Gordon couldn’t even…

“Need a hug?”

Lifting his arm slightly, he peeks out from under them at Benrey. His face is so pale in dim light that seeps in from the windows. There is no mocking tone in the question, no teasing smile on Benrey’s lips. A genuine offer. Gordon opens his arms, gratefully accepting it. 

Benrey has to shuffle over a bit to lean down, carefully maneuvering so he can wrap his arms around Gordon’s prone body. His body is warm and his hair smells of Gordon’s shampoo. Has Benrey kept using the same brand even when living with Tommy? The thought does something funny with Gordon’s heart. 

It’s a long hug, maybe longer than is appropriate for friends comforting each other after a nightmare. But Gordon isn’t willing to let go yet and when Benrey moves to pull away he only grips harder, suddenly too tired to worry about seeming weird or greedy. 

“Uuhh... ok, I can just…” Benrey mumbles into the hug, moving without letting go to climb onto the couch. 

Gordon scoots to the side, leaving just enough room for Benrey to lie down on his side beside him. Arms still wrapped around his torso, Benrey now has his face pressed into Gordon’s chest. The top of his head is the perfect height for Gordon to rest his chin on. 

How long has it been since Gordon held someone like this? 

He can feel Benrey’s chest move against his own as he breathes and if he concentrates he even thinks he can feel the faint beating of Benrey’s heart. He focuses on this, the sounds and feelings that prove that Benrey is here, safe in his arms and not hidden away on Xen or angrily ignoring him in Tommy’s apartment. It’s Benrey’s slow breathing that finally lulls him back to sleep.

…

There is a moment hovering between sleep and awakeness where everything is perfect. Gordon doesn’t know why but lingering there, there is a warmth in his chest that he hasn’t felt in a long while. He tries to stay in that perfect moment, savouring the feeling of peace. He tries to figure out where this feeling is coming from, so much of his life lately has been nothing but pain and sadness. What has made this moment different? Cracking open one eye he finds the answer sleeping in his arms.

Benrey’s face is so soft right now, jaw hanging slack with lips slightly parted with soft little snores escape him. Gordon finds himself marveling over how long Benrey’s eyelashes look resting on the pale cheeks. Has Benrey always looked this... beautiful? Gordon has thought of him as handsome, cute even, but those words really don’t do Benrey justice right now. 

He has the sudden impulse to stroke some of the dark hair out of Benrey’s face only to find that his arm is securely lodged under Benrey’s sleeping form. Not daring to wriggle it free in fear of waking him, Gordon instead sinks further into the pillows. It would be nice to just fall back asleep, but at the same time he doesn’t want this to end, wants to experience every second of it. He feels... happy. Yes that’s the word. Right in this moment he feels more happy than he has done in months, maybe even years. Why is that? He knows Benrey is important to him, Tommy had made him admit as much. But is Benrey really this integral to Gordon’s happiness? When the fuck had that happened? 

_And what are you going to do about it?_

Gordon’s brain poses the question yet again, like it has so many times before. It’s a simple question with a complicated answer. Because it’s not just about Gordon’s own happiness right, it’s about Benrey’s as well. Benrey who had made it very clear that he didn’t want to move back here. Who’s heart and trust Gordon had broken. Who’d he’d once tried to kill, _wanted to kill_. 

There’s so much baggage between them. 

Sighing, Gordon rests his forehead against Benrey’s locks, trying to ingrain the soft feel of them to memory. A quiet noise from below him has Gordon pull back, suddenly very aware of how close his face is to Benrey’s. Dark eyes blink open and squints at him in the morning sun, brows furrowing as they focus on Gordon. A moment passes, and then another one where they just watch each other. It can’t be more than a couple of seconds but it feels like an eternity. There is a sudden pang of panic in Gordon’s chest. He doesn’t want Benrey to get mad, to tell him he’s too clingy... to leave.

“Yo, stop breathing on me bro. Your breath stinks.”

How Benrey always manages to break the tension and bring out the humorous side in every situation Gordon will never know. He lets out a short laugh, purposely breathing some more on Benrey’s face. 

“Ew. Gross. Go brush your teeth Gordon Stinkman.”

“I would if someone wasn’t keeping my one good arm trapped under their massive weight.”

“You calling me fat?” Benrey’s finger finds its way to Gordon’s midriff, poking at the soft flesh there. “Look who’s talking.”

Wriggling under Benrey’s assault Gordon finally manages to pull his arm free, using it to roll Benrey and his meddling fingers off the sofa. Benrey doesn’t even try to brace himself, landing face first down on the carpet.

“Ow.”

“That did not hurt.”

Sitting up, Benrey makes a show of rubbing his forehead. 

“Yeah it did, you broke the no hitting rule. You owe me pancakes now.”

Rolling off the couch and stretching Gordon is thankful to find that despite probably sleeping in the worst way for his back it’s not hurting that bad. 

“Oh, do I now?”

Benrey nods solemnly. 

“T’is the law.”

“And I guess if I break the law I will go to baby jail.”

The serious facade on Benrey’s face cracks as he barks out a cackling laugh.

“Yo. You’re finally learning Feetman.”

Even after getting up the feeling of happiness and warmth still lingers in Gordon’s chest. It’s a bit like having his heart wrapped in a duvet and he tries to hold on to it. It’s not hard to do though while watching Benrey move around the kitchen, singing in his raspy monotone voice and trailing yellow until the ceiling is covered by rising sweet voice. 

It’s midday when Tommy’s yellow Volkswagen bus comes to a stop at Gordon’s driveway. A car horn playing ‘She’ll be comin’ round the mountain’ announcing his arrival. Gordon is more successful in battling down the urge to make Benrey stay this time around. Even so, there is still a tinge of panic in his chest as he stands in the hallway, watching Benrey pull on his sneakers. The remnants of his nightmare lingers in the back of his mind and he has to work hard to tell his brain that Benrey won’t disappear just because he’s not in his field of vision right now. Object permanence, it’s a thing. 

Benrey is just about to open the door when he suddenly turns around and pokes Gordon in the chest with a finger.

“Don’t be stupid again.”

“I’m not stupid, I have a PHD.”

“Yeah, stands for Pretty Hilariously Dumb Head.”

Laughing Gordon shoves at Benrey’s shoulder.

“That acronym doesn't work, too many letters.”

“Your brain has too many letters.” Benrey pauses to shove Gordon back in retaliation and Gordon has to stop himself from shoving back and risking them starting another stupid play fight. “I mean like... we’re friends right?”

The question takes Gordon by surprise. 

“Yeah we’re friends man.”

“Best friends?”

Gordon would have thought Benrey was teasing him if it wasn’t for the serious look on his face.

“You keep forcing me to say this. Yes Benrey, you’re my best friend.”

“Best friends call each other if things get stupid. I grew up in a lab and even I know that bro.”

Swallowing around the lump in his throat Gordon still doesn’t manage to speak and opts to pull Benrey into a hug instead. No use feeling shy about it anymore, this is a hugging friendship now.

“Ok bud, I promise to call. If you promise to tell me if I’m getting annoying.”

Benrey squeezes him a bit harder before tugging at Gordon’s ponytail and letting go of the hug.

“Might be hard. You’re always annoying, bro.”

“I changed my mind. Just get out of my house man.”

Pushing Benrey towards the door Gordon wheezes with laughter as Benrey waves his arms in indignation. 

“You can’t keep me out forever Feetman. I have uhhh... key privileges.”

Gordon manages to get the door open. Tommy gives them an odd look from where he stands on the driveway observing their weirdly violent goodbye. 

“I’m revoking them!”

“No you’re not.” 

Dammit! Called out again. 

It takes another 5 minutes of bickering and Tommy pulling out a tone of voice that is chillingly similar to G-man before they finally get Benrey into the car and they drive off. Gordon stays in the driveway and watches the yellow car disappear around a bend. It’s hard not focusing on the sudden emptiness in his chest now when his surrounding is finally silent. There is a short vibration on his phone and a text message from Benrey shows up on the locked screen.

**“watch it feetman if you trash my gamer pad i’ll hide your forks”**

The emptiness subsides a bit, replaced by the same warmth Gordon had felt that morning. Benrey is still thinking of him, Gordon has not scared him away by being weird or clingy. Benrey still cares for him. A feeling of determination takes hold of Gordon. He wants to make himself worthy of that kind of care, of the kindness Benrey has shown him. Benrey is moving ahead, learning and growing more independent. And Gordon can’t be left behind, won't be left behind! This right here, this is his starting point. Right. Time to get to work. He has an alcohol cabinet that needs to be emptied down in the drain before the dark thoughts in his mind makes themself heard again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the fluff chapter, it is full of fluff. It's actually an extra chapter. As usual I found that what should have been the first third of a chapter became a chapter on it's own ^^' It's also very inspired by the time I fell in love with my girlfriend. Singing together in the kitchen, falling asleep on the phone with each other, waking up to a perfect moment with her in my arms. I'm a giant sap what can I tell you.
> 
> I think I will keep this 2 week update schedule for the rest of the chapters as well. The added time gets me more time to re-work and use beta readers more efficiently. 
> 
> Although, this Sunday I will post a little Valentines fic that will be a re-write of three scenes from Becoming Human. Basically what would have happened at three times if the boys weren't big idiots. I hope you'll enjoy it! 
> 
> Now I'm off to finally watch the act 4 commentary! Have a lovely weekend and thanks again for all the kind words and support. You guys are the absolute best!!!


	20. Chapter 20

Benrey is quiet on the car ride home, only answering Tommy’s question about his stay briefly. There are so many thoughts swirling around in his head that it’s hard to form words around them. It would be easier to communicate with sweet voice. The problem with that is that sweet voice is a bit too honest for comfort and Benrey is not sure he wants Tommy to know about the whirlpool of feelings inside him right now. It’s easier to just keep quiet and think. 

It’s odd, seeing Gordon as helpless as he’d been yesterday. Ever since Benrey had come and lived with him it was always Gordon who took the lead, ordered Benrey around... taught him stuff. But now… Gordon seems so lost, can’t even do the same stuff that he did before. Like the vacuum thing. Had to ask Benrey to do that and stay in another room, something about it being too loud. It feels nice to be able to help though, be a good friend… _best friend_. 

Benrey is Gordon’s best friend. 

A couple of blushing pink bubbles slip out at the thought. Tommy glances over but thankfully doesn’t comment. It’s hard thinking about it without having that feeling of fizzy soda happiness in his chest. It’s a good feeling, safe. Not as complicated like the pink thoughts or as heavy as the dove grey. Those feelings are still there though, always lurking under the surface, threatening to slip out. Like when they had sat pressed together in the pillow fort and played Tekken. Benrey had not thought that one through. It’s one thing gaming side by side on the couch. Sitting in a small space and pressed close enough that he could feel Gordon’s breath brush past his face is a very different experience. The fact that Benrey had won that match is a testament to his skills as a gamer. All the time while playing it had felt like his heart was about to beat out of his chest. Luckily Gordon hadn’t protested when Benrey chased him out and claimed the fort as his own. No boys allowed, too dangerous when trying not to spew dove gray all over the place. 

But then Gordon had to go and have a stupid nightmare. And it’s not like Benrey could have just left him tossing and turning on the couch like that. Whimpering and mumbling things under his breath that Benrey hadn’t been able to pick up. Gotta be a good best bro and wake him up when stuff like that happens. That hug... was amazing. Gordon is apparently extra soft when he’s just woken up. Hair all over the place and body melting into Benrey’s arms. When Gordon refused to let him go from the hug a mental struggle had taken place inside Benrey. He really should have stood his ground, gently removed himself from the situation and crawled back into the pillow fort. The nightmare was over, Gordon was going to be fine. But the way Gordon had gripped at Benrey’s t-shirt with such desperation, holding onto him like Benrey could be ripped away from his arms… Climbing onto the couch with Gordon might not have been the smartest choice, but it was the right one Benrey had decided. 

Hugs were good, long hugs were even better. Sleeping while hugging though... Now that had created some problems for Benrey. Apparently you get very warm when hugging for a long time, either that or Gordon is just the warmest person on the planet. And then Benrey’s brain had started to register all these little tiny details. How the weight of Gordon’s arm felt on his waist (good), the rhythm of Gordon’s heart beating against his own (funky) and how Gordon’s face looked close up while sleeping (soft, relaxed... beautiful). 

He has no idea how long he lay awake taking everything in but he must have fallen asleep eventually. Something had pulled him out of sleep and suddenly he was staring into the emerald of Gordon’s eyes. He hadn’t been sure what was really going on at that moment, why Gordon was studying his face so intently. He waited for Gordon to say something but the moment had stretched on in silence. It had brought up some… complicated feelings for Benrey. On one hand he’d had to swallow down so much grey sweet voice, the sight of Gordon’s face in the early morning light almost too much for him to handle. On the other hand, the closeness brought back the memories of his failed confession. Their faces had been close back then as well, only inches apart before Gordon… 

Maybe that’s why Benrey decided to fall back on an insult to break the odd tension lingering between them. It had been a relief when Gordon had responded with his own insults. Their bickering is something Benrey knows how to handle. It was normal friend stuff, not whatever _that_ had been. 

“Are you ok B-benrey?”

Tommy’s words snap him out of his thoughts and it takes Benrey a moment to remember how to form his mouth into a smile. 

“Yeah bro. M’ ok.”

“You’re- you’re holding that cap v-very hard.”

Looking down in his lap Benrey finds his hands twisting his cap almost to the breaking point. Letting it go he tries to smooth it out only to find it bent out of shape. Benrey groans and thinks his head against the window. Great, he liked that cap. Stupid feelings, stupid sleep hugging, stupid- 

No… not stupid Gordon. 

It’s not his fault Benrey can’t let go of the dove grey swirling inside. Gordon had made his feelings about that very clear, they were friends, best friends but still… only friends. That will have to be good enough. 

...

And it is good, very good actually. Gordon finally seems to get into his thick scientist skull that asking for shit isn’t annoying. It makes Benrey happy when Gordon asks him for help with stuff. It might be selfish but it's nice to feel needed, to get some kind of confirmation that Gordon wants Benrey around. He likes knowing that he has some impact on Gordon's life. 

Their phone calls become an almost daily routine, often lasting for hours. Gordon falls asleep during some of them but Benrey is a good bro and lets him sleep. It’s kinda nice hearing him breathe softly into the mic, only an occasional snore breaking the slow rhythm. 

They keep hanging out as well. More gaming nights, some with sleepovers. It’s never a repeat of the first night though. Benrey concedes that not every sleepover can have an epic pillow fort; the construction of it eats up too much of their gaming time. It’s ok though, sleeping in his- in the guest room is safer anyway. Less chance of ending up sleeping on Gordon’s chest and having to deal with all of those feelings head on. 

Tommy tags along a couple of times as well which was nice. The first time he tagged along Benrey is actually nervous though. It’s a sudden shift in the friendship dynamic. They’ve never really been just the three of them, only the whole science team or paired up. Would that change things? Would Gordon realise how awesome Tommy is compared to Benrey? That Tommy is the obvious choice for best friend. Sitting on the couch, clenching a bowl of popcorn, Benrey ponders these fears as Tommy and Gordon flips through Netflix in search of something to watch.

“Can you pass the popcorn? You've been hogging them for ages man.”

The hand on Benrey’s shoulder jolts him out of his thoughts. The bowl in his hands goes flying, sending a flurry of popcorn raining down over the couch. 

“What the fuck Benrey!?”

The words are upset but there is laughter hiding in Gordon’s tone. He’s not angry. Good. Means that Benrey has free reign of masking his embarrassment with some snark. 

“You never seen uhhhh... snowstorm.” 

Gordon gives him an exasperated look but doesn’t have the time to start arguing before Tommy shimes in. 

“You got to- to see this as an opportunity Mr. Freeman. We could m-make a snowman!” 

Gordon wheezes and picks a popcorn off from where it landed on Benrey’s chullo. “With popcorn?! I don’t think I have enough glue to do that. It’s the middle of May man, can we hold off with the winter stuff a little bit longer? I wanted to get a tan this year.”

“Too bad, gonna introduce your face to the snow bro.”

Aim has never been Benrey’s strong suit so he’s very pleased with himself when he manages to bounce a popcorn off Gordon’s nose. 

“Oh, you’re gonna start shit now Benrey? Right in front of Tommy?” 

Benrey doesn’t answer and instead finds another popcorn to lob at Gordon. The projectile misses.

Gordon grabs a handful of popcorn from the mess on the floor. His smile turning slightly dangerous sending a thrill down Benrey’s spine that isn’t all unpleasant. 

“That’s it, you're going down.”

Gordon lunges at Benrey who makes a high pitch sound that paints the space between them in yellow and orange. Grabbing him, Gordon tries to shove the fistful of popcorn down Benrey’s t-shirt. Benrey tries to squirm away, cackling as the popcorn goes flying. Even if Benrey is the stronger of the two Gordon is taller. He manages to get past all of Benrey’s attempts to block him, his long arms finding ways to poke at Benrey’s sides. He also seems unfairly familiar with where Benrey is the most ticklish. In retaliation Benrey pinches Gordon’s nose and cheek, turning Gordon’s laughter nasal.

“Dabbit Benrey leb go ob my nose.”

“Make me.”

They finally end in some kind of stalemate when Gordon pins Benrey’s hands to the couch.

The play-fighting comes to a halt, time slowing down just like when Benrey had woken up in Gordon’s arms. There is that pull, a challenge lingering between them that Benrey wishes he was brave enough to meet. Better to ignore it, to fill the space with words and jokes. Twisting he manages to create some space between them by pressing a sock clad foot against Gordon’s chin causing him to wheeze out a laughter.

“You give up?” Gordon’s voice is slightly muffled by the foot.

“In your dreams Feetman. Why you gotta crumple me up like candy wrapper? At least take me to dinner first.”

It’s at that point that Tommy decides to intervene by dumping the remaining popcorn over Gordon’s head. He crowns his achievement by placing the bowl like a helmet on Gordon. Releasing Benrey, Gordon turns around, tilting the bowl up to give Tommy a betrayed look.

“Really man? You’re ganging up on me?” 

“I got- we non-humans n-need to stick together Mr. Freeman.”

Benrey snickers and nudges his now free foot against Gordon’s side. 

“Yeah. Humans sit on the floor.”

A pillow promptly lands on his face, cutting off any further attempts to push Gordon off the couch.

“Humans have c-couch privileges B-benrey. Just like S-sunkist.”

As if proving his point Tommy brushes some popcorn off the couch cushion beside where he sits and pats it invitingly. 

“Oh now you’re suddenly on my side. _Thanks_ , I get to stay on my own couch.” Gordon winces at crunching of popcorn somewhere beneath the pillows as he sits up and removes the bowl off his head. “You’re helping me clean this tomorrow.” He gives Benrey’s leg a light shove. 

“And you owe me dinner.” Benrey says, voice slightly muffled by the pillow still on his face.

Getting the pillow off, Benrey sits up and retrieves the chullo that had fallen to the floor during the struggle. He ignores the side eye Gordon is giving him in favour of trying to reach a popcorn stuck on the string of his chullo with only his tongue. It has the desired effect of making Gordon focus very intently at the TV instead. Benrey decides to count this battle as a win. 

He also decides that his fears of losing best friend status to Tommy is unfounded. The older man fits well into their dynamic as the person with the only designated brain cell. He also seems to make a point of staying out of any bickering between Gordon and Benrey. Really only intervening when it reaches a certain point and even then it’s often in favour of Benrey. That’s how it should be in Benrey’s opinion, he is Tommy’s oldest friend after all (except for Sunkist of course but Benrey would never dream of trying to compete with the world's most perfect dog). All in all, a very good night. 

Things are moving along smoothly, all things considered. There is only one thing that seems to be a constant point of stress for Gordon, the arrival of Joshua. He can’t seem to shut up about the time remaining until the child arrives. Sometimes he seems to call Benrey to only talk about that. Every other day it’s something about how it’s only 12 days until Josh is here, or that he needs to buy a certain thing because Joshua will be here in a little over a week. 

Like yeah, that’s how time works Feetman, no need to go around counting down like it’s a timed boss fight or something. The only thing that’s gonna happen when the timer reaches zero is that the kid from the shitty photo in Gordon’s locker will arrive, it’s not that big of a deal. Although it obviously is for Gordon, something that gets more and more clear the closer to the big day. 

The day before Joshua’s arrival Gordon calls, panic obvious in his voice. 

"Benrey, I- I need your help! I can't- "

His breath is ragged, an obvious sign that he is working himself up to a full blown panic attack. 

“Calm down. Can’t do the sweet voice over the phone. Uhhh… breathe? Breathe. Like me, in and out.” Benrey takes a couple of deep slow breaths and hears Gordon follow his example. “Damn, real pro over there. Breathing like a champ.” 

The talking seems to work and Benrey is rewarded with a weak chuckle on the other end. 

“You good?”

“Yeah, thanks Benrey.”

“No probs. Why your brain being all stupid Gordo?”

Benrey’s headphones crackle a bit as Gordon breathes out a deep sigh into the receiver. 

“Joshua is coming tomorrow and I’m kinda freaking out.”

“Why? S’ only a kid. Not even fully evolved. Level 4. You can take that in a fight.”

Another crackle of static but this one from a breathy laughter. Good, Gordon laughing means the panic attack has been avoided. Good job Benrey.

“I’m not going to fight my son. I need- I need to take care of him. Oh god, what if I can’t do it? I can barely get through some days on my own. I can’t fuck this up Benrey. I couldn’t forgive myself. What if I fuck up and-”

“You need help?” 

The rambling on the other end is cut off, the breathing that had slowly picked up slows down again. The silence stretches out for a while until finally Gordon takes a deep breath and starts talking again.

“You don’t know how to take care of kids.”

“I uhhh... I know how to take care of you.”

Benrey is trying to make it into an insult but it comes out much more sincere than he means to. Shit, that sounded kinda gay. Gordon might have picked up on that as well because there is something in his voice that Benrey can’t place when he starts talking again.

“Would you... maybe- God this is stupid... could you stay here? Just for a couple of days I mean, after Joshua arrives, just to make sure I don’t... I dunno freak out or anything.”

“Yo, sleepover extended edition?”

Gordon chuckles and Benrey lets out a couple of yellow notes to accompany the sound.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Can N00b come? She gets cranky.” 

“As long as she can behave around Josh. I know she loves you but she has some kind of vendetta against me for some reason.”

“It’s because you're a nerd Feetman. Is Josh a nerd?” 

“He’s 4.”

“I dunno bro, some people are just born like that. Maybe the baby was assigned nerd at birth.”

The laughter on the other side of the line is so loud that Benrey has to pull off his headphones. The yellow in his own room is currently taking up most of the ceiling. Hopefully Tommy will stay out or he will never hear the end of it.

It’s decided that N00b gets to come on a trial run but will get sent back to Tommy if any baby related crimes are committed. Benrey agrees that this is a fair deal and takes it upon himself to have a serious talk with the cat about being cool around the kid and not mess this up for him. 

When he arrives at Casa del Feetman he unlocks the door and walks right in. Knocking is for nerds. He is met by the sight of Gordon in a pink apron (another casualty of the laundry prank) and yellow dish gloves marching out from the laundry room armed with a spray bottle. He disappears into the living room totally oblivious to Benrey’s arrival. Setting down his backpack and letting N00b out of his hoodie pocket Benrey strolls into the living room finding Gordon furiously wiping the windows with a rag. 

“Nice apron.”

Gordon whips around, a slightly manic look on his face.

“Don’t start. It’s perfectly normal to clean your home before your son arrives.”

Benrey doesn’t answer but lets his eyes wander over the different cleaning projects, most of them seemingly abandoned halfway through. Gordon follows his gaze and stutters a bit. 

“I- It’s just...I got distracted ok. The windows needed to be cleaned”

“What up with that?” Benrey points at the piles of games stacked on the living room floor.

“I was trying to organise them and find some for Josh to play when I noticed the windows.”

Not even bothering to ask Benrey just points at the pile of clothes on the coffee table. Gordon groans and buries his face in his gloves hands. 

“I was trying to see if any of the clothes Josh left here would still fit him... and then I started to organise my games.”

The look Benrey levels Gordon with is telling enough but he decides to vocalise it anyway. 

“You’re a messy boy aren’t cha?” 

“You’re not allowed to be a little bitch right now. I’m fragile, man. Can’t you see that?” 

“You do look kinda weak. Some low level bullshit going on here.”

Gordon laughs but in the slightly panicked way that tells Benrey to back off. Instead of pushing further Benrey gives Gordon what he hopes is a reassuring pat on the shoulder, grabbing a rag. 

“Gimme the tutorial for the window cleaning minigame bro. You fix the clothes.” 

It takes a bit of work, Benrey spending most of it trying to steer Gordon away from starting new projects. The third time Gordon starts to wander away from folding the pile of laundry Benrey just whacks him in the head with the damp rag he’s holding. Honestly, N00b is better at keeping focus than Gordon is right now. Benrey makes sure to inform Gordon of this and how lucky he is to have best friend Benrey there to help him. Unfortunately Gordon smiles and agrees with him which distracts Benerey long enough for Gordon to wander off again. 

It takes them long past dinner time to finally finish everything, Gordon seemingly having an endless list of tasks that needs to get done. The house smells strongly of cleaning products when they finally fall down on the couch, waiting for a pizza to arrive. With his head resting against the back of the sofa Gordon turns to Benrey, a tired smile on his face.

“Thanks man. I really appreciate you being here right now.”

Benrey swallows down both the sweet voice and the insult threatening to slip out and tries for a more sincere approach. He wants to convey that he’ll always be here to help and that he’s happy Gordon has gotten comfortable enough to ask. Maybe try to tell him how much he cares and that he knows Gordon is not going to fuck things up with Joshua. 

“No probs bro.” 

Nailed it. 

They’ve barely finished the pizza before Gordon’s dozing off on the couch, head lolling over to rest against Benrey’s shoulder. Benrey lets him sleep. Poor dude’s obviously tired, and Benrey doesn’t mind being a pillow for a while. Means he can let his own head rest against Gordon’s soft hair. It’s calming listening to the sleeping man’s slow breaths, his own eyelids growing heavy. He’s just going to rest his eyes for a few seconds, regain some HP. 

...

Benrey is awakened when the couch cushions collide with his face, Gordon having abruptly shot out of his seat. 

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck! We overslept! I need to be at the airport- and Joshua! I need to pick him up in a fucking hour! Dammit I was going to fix the-”

“Go get the kid. I can do the thing. Get your ugly face out of here.”

Gordon swivels around from where he has been speaking, looking at Benrey as if he just solved world hunger. 

“You’re a lifesaver Benrey. I don’t know how to thank you. I’ll be back in like... three hours? I need to pick up some groceries on my way home... Oh actually, can I get you anything?”

“Gamer fuel… Doritos, the good kind. And uhhh... shrinked carrots.”

Gordon barks a laughter as he hurries towards the front door, Benrey right at his heels. 

“You mean baby carrots?”

“Carrots get babies?”

“What? No! It’s just what- whatever I don’t have time for this. I trust you won’t burn down the house.”

Benrey rolls his eyes and picks up N00b who is making a valiant effort to attack Gordon’s hands while he’s tying his shoes. 

“I won’t. Can’t promise that for N00b, she’s uhhh... pyromaniac.” 

Another laugh rings out, happy and breathy. Benrey’s favourite kind. 

Suddenly Gordon leans in close, pressing a quick kiss to Benrey’s temple. A wide smile on Gordon’s face as he pulls away. 

“Alright you criminals. I leave my house in your care.”

The door slams shut and Benrey is left frozen in the hallway, grey sweet voice leaking out and floating towards the ceiling. 

\---

It’s not until Gordon is on the freeway that the reality of what he’d just done catches up with him. Had he just... kissed Benrey? 

Oh fuck he had hadn’t he. 

Why the _fuck_ had he done that? Thinking back it had felt so natural, like it was routine. It doesn't _have_ to be weird though. It’s not like he kissed Benrey on the mouth or anything. Kissing friends is a thing. Yeah, in some countries you even greet each other with kisses on the cheeks. A kiss on the forehead is nothing. Very platonic, doesn’t have to _mean_ anything. 

The excuses don’t stop the memory of his lips against Benrey’s skin from rotating in his head the whole way to the airport. It’s only when he sees his son, hand in hand with Martin that the thought finally lets go. Crouching down Gordon catches Joshua in his arms, holding his son close for the first time in months. A wave of emotion washes over him, tears threatening to break out. He didn’t think he’d ever get to see his boy ever again. 

Too short of a time passes before Joshua starts to squirm in his arms. 

“I wanna see the robot arm!”

Gordon had explained in the most kid friendly way manageable that he had lost his arm and had it replaced with a prosthetic. The word had been a bit too hard for the 4 year old to say so robot arm it is. It had been a point of great curiosity for Joshua to finally get to see the arm for real and not just through the screen of a video call. 

“Josh, at least say hi first.” Martin chides as he walks up to them with Joshua’s bags. 

“No it’s ok. Have a look, cowboy.” Gordon pulls off his hoodie and stretches out the arm, flexing the fingers. 

“Woooooow, it's so cool dad.” 

The way his son is looking at him almost makes all the phantom pains and struggles with the prosthetic worth it. While Joshua keeps fiddling with the fingers of the prosthetic Gordon stands up to give Martin a quick one armed hug. 

“Thanks for flying down with him.”

“No worries man, it’s the least I can do to help after all the stuff you’ve been through.” Checking his clock Martin makes a face. “I need to go to make my flight back. You have everything under control Gordon?”

No. But luckily Gordon has help waiting at home. It’s going to be fine. He can handle this.

“Yeah, we’re gonna have an awesome time won’t we cowboy?” He looks down at Joshua who gives him a big smile.

“Can we have McDonalds?” 

“I see I won’t be missed too much” Martin chuckles before hugging and kissing Joshua goodbye. 

They do end up having lunch at the airport’s McDonalds before starting the long drive home. It’s easier not to think about the kiss on the way home, it’s hard to focus on anything with Joshua talking the whole way. The thoughts in his son's head seem to go a mile a minute, jumping between stories and topics in a way that reminds Gordon of the science team. The closer they get to home though, the more nervous Gordon gets. It’s not only the whole kissing thing, but the fact that his son will meet Benrey. Is it really a good idea for the alien to be there when they get home? Joshua is usually good at meeting new people, at least according to Martin. But this is Benrey after all, he’s not really like other people Joshua has met before. That’s part of Benrey’s charm of course but still...

Gordon doesn't think Benrey will do or say something inappropriate, at least not on purpose. But, he is an alien who grew up in a lab and there are still some... holes in his knowledge of how to act around people. Not much that can be done about that now though. He’ll just have to monitor their interactions a bit, give Benrey some pointers if he makes any mistakes.

It’s fine. It’s going to be fine. 

He tries to tell himself this as he struggles to carry both Joshua’s bags and the grocery bags to the front door. Inside Joshua kicks off his shoes and is just about to run down the hallway towards his room when he suddenly stops in his tracks. Wide eyes focus on Benrey who is standing in the doorway to the living room looking a bit sheepish. 

“Josh, this is Benrey. He’s the friend I told you about in the car.” 

Joshua and the alien stare at each other for a couple of seconds before Benrey holds out an open palm for a high five. The four year old only hesitates for a moment before slapping his palm to Benrey’s. 

“Damn, got a strong slap there bro.”

“I’m strong.”

“Tiny and packing a punch.” Benrey agrees.

“I’m not tiny!” 

“Yeah you are.” Benrey promptly bends down and picks Joshua up, sending Gordon’s heart into his throat. “You a gameboy pocket... uhh pocket size.” 

Without even breaking a sweat Benrey flips Joshua so that he holds him upside down. The action has Joshua shrieking with laughter, wriggling as Benrey continues to turn him around like he weighs nothing. Two thoughts hit Gordon at the same time. One, Benrey is a lot stronger than he looks. And two, there is a care in which Benrey holds Joshua, hands only gripping and lifting where he won't hurt the child. 

When Joshua is put back on to the ground his curly hair stands on end and his face is red from laughter, eyes glittering with excitement as they look up at Benrey.

“Again!” 

Benrey looks like he’s about to agree so Gordon decides to intervene. 

“Maybe that’s enough juggling with my son for one afternoon. Why don’t you introduce Joshua to N00b.” 

“No again!”

Gordon gives Benrey a pleading look who only responds with a short nod before grinning down at Joshua. 

“Nah lil Gameboy. We gotta- gotta listen to Gordos. You gonna love N00b. Ever seen a cat before?”

“You have a cat?”

“Best one in the world.”

Mouthing a ‘thank you’ to Benrey he gets a thumbs up in return. After putting away the groceries Gordon takes Joshua’s bags to his room. He even takes the time to put Joshua’s things in their proper drawers like a responsible parent. See, no problem. He can do this… with a little help from Benrey he can do this. 

Benrey who he had left alone with Joshua without a moment's hesitation. 

For no particular reason he decides to power walk back to the living room where his heart does a strange little flip at the sight before him. Both Joshua and Benrey are lying on their stomach in a patch of sunlight on the carpet, eyes focusing intently at the sleeping form of N00b. Benrey is softly instructing Joshua how to pet the cat much in the same way Gordon had taught Benrey that rainy night when they had found the kitten. Glancing up Benrey gives him another thumbs up, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Giving a wide smile in return Gordon waits until Benrey has returned his focus to the cat before getting his phone out and snapping a picture of the scene. It’s a good one, capturing the serene atmosphere of the moment perfectly. Feeling a bit too emotional for comfort Gordon distracts himself by going into dad mode. 

“What do you guys want for dinner?” He tries to keep his tone hushed, worried he’ll break the almost tranquil mood in the room.

“Dino nuggets.” Joshua whispers without taking his eyes off the cat.

“Give us the nuggs Gordos.” Benrey agrees quietly.

Dinner is unfortunately not as quiet as the moment in the living room, Joshua and Benrey having found a joint interest in making strange noises. Joshua shows off his fog horn impression while Benrey styles with the shrill sound of the sweet voice. They are both very impressed by each other and Gordon almost chokes on his nuggets twice from laughter. When dinner is finished Gordon dumps the plates into the sink which gets him a disapproving look from Benrey.

“Not gonna wash those, Gordon Messman?”

“It’s three plates Benrey, I don’t have to do the dishes right away.”

“S’ a matter of principle.”

“Oh wow look at you, pulling out the big words now.”

“Just trying to look out for you. Don’t have to be all pissy about it.”

“I’m not pissy I’m just saying that-”

They’re interrupted by Joshua who had been watching the exchange intently.

“Are you two boyfriends?”

The argument comes to an abrupt halt. Gordon glances up at Benrey who suddenly has found a great interest in the wall behind him. 

“Why do you think that Josh?” 

Gordon is stalling for time and doesn't even know why. It’s a simple answer. No, they’re not boyfriends. So why is it so hard to say that out loud. The memory of the kiss he’d given Benrey this morning flashes past and he can feel his cheeks grow red.

“Robin always tells daddy to do the dishes.”

Ah, of course Joshua has picked it up from Martin’s interactions with his partner. But do Gordon and Benrey really sound like that? Do they act like a couple? 

Benrey is the one who finally breaks the awkward silence that has fallen over the kitchen.

“Nah, we’re best friends not boyfriends. M’ too cool for your daddy. You gotta be at least this cool to date Benny boy.” Benrey holds up his hand high above his head. “Your dad is only like... here, he lowers the hands by a fair margin while grinning at Gordon.

There is an odd feeling that settles in Gordon’s stomach at the words. He doesn’t want to call it disappointment but it sure as hell feels like it. Why is that? Maybe it’s just his ego. It’s never fun to not be cool enough for something. 

Luckily Joshua seems to accept this explanation and nods sagely at Benrey.

“I have a best friend too. Her name is Alex and she can kick a ball really far.” 

The dishes get made while Benrey and Joshua keep comparing what makes a good best friend. In the end they agree that N00b qualifies even though she’s not that good at kicking balls or playing video games. 

By the time Gordon finally gets Joshua to bed he’s exhausted. It’s easy to forget how much energy a four year old has and even with Benrey’s help it still feels like he’s run a marathon. Coming downstairs he finds Benrey in his usual place on the couch, face lit up by the Switch screen. With a tired sigh Gordon sits down beside him as the silence stretches out between them, Gordon suddenly incapable of figuring out anything to say. Again, Benrey comes to the rescue. Apparently he’s the more socially adept between them nowadays.

“Your kid’s kinda cool.”

“He is. Thank you for being so great with him today.”

“S’ was easy. Lil Gameboy is fun to hang with.”

“Benrey I- I’m sorry, for earlier. Before I left I shouldn’t have...”

Benrey finally looks up from his screen to glance at Gordon, his face a perfect blank mask.

“What, nothing weird with smooching your bro. We hug right? Smooches aren’t that different. Don’t be home of phobic” 

It seems like Benrey has reached the same conclusion that Gordon had earlier. Just a friendly kiss between pals. Nothing weird about it. 

“Oh good. I was afraid I made you uncomfortable.”

“Your face is uncomfortable.”

Laughing Gordon shoves at Benrey and gets an elbow in the side as payback. He holds back from retaliating further, too tired to do anything than slump further into the couch and Benrey’s side, lazily watching Benrey play on his Switch. They stay like that for a while, the silence between them now a comfortable one. Just as he is about to start dozing off Benrey stands up, effectively robbing Gordon of the soft warmth his body had provided. 

“Imma hit the hay. Need to power up that kid watching energy.”

“Seems like a plan.” Gordon mumbles but doesn’t get up, he can stay here a little while longer. 

Benrey stands beside the couch for a moment seemingly debating something before bending down and pressing a quick kiss to Gordon’s forehead.

“Night Feetman.” 

He is gone from the room before Gordon really has time to register what just happened. The only proof that he didn’t dream it is the lingering feeling of Benrey’s lips against his skin.

... 

Benrey stays at Gordon’s house for a week before Gordon feels comfortable enough that he won’t have a complete breakdown and mess everything up. The help Benrey has given him has been tremendous but at some point Gordon knows he needs to try this on his own. Despite everything he makes it work. He goes up in time every morning even when nightmares barely let him sleep at night. The house stays relatively clean even without Benrey nagging him about the dishes. Gordon even manages to not have a panic attack when Joshua falls and scrapes his knees. Instead he keeps his head cool and cleans off the blood, ignoring the flashbacks to both Black Mesa and the knife incident and patches his son up with a cowboy themed bandaid. 

That is not to say he isn’t fully without help. Benrey keeps visiting every other day and if he’s not visiting they always spend a couple of hours on the phone after Joshua has gone to bed. His presence is calming in a way Gordon would have thought impossible just a couple of months ago. It helps distract from both the ever present voices in the back of his head telling him he’ll fuck up and the urge to drink to quiet them. The most surprising thing though is just how good Benrey is with Joshua. He seems to be very in tune with how a four year old thinks. Which, considering everything, might not be that surprising. Gordon’s phone is steadily filling up with more pictures of the two playing together. 

The rest of the science team pitch in as well of course. Tommy immediately becomes one of Joshua’s favourite people due to the fact that he both has a dog big enough for a 4 year old to ride on and beyblades. The older man handles the rambunctious child with the same calm gentleness as he does with everything in life. 

The meeting between Joshua and the Boomers actually has Gordon nervous and he demands Benrey’s presence at the event for backup. Again his fears are unfounded as the chaotic energy of the old scientists seems to be a perfect match for a hyped up 4 year old. It only takes around an hour and Joshua hitting Gordon’s leg with a Wii-mote before Bubby declares him both the perfect child and therefore his grandson. 

“That’s not how it works Bubby.” Gordon tries to explain as gently as possible. 

“Shut the fu-” A look from both Benrey and Coomer has Bubby hastily refreshing himself “the _fudge_ up Gordon. If I say the boy is my grandson then he is. Now, me and Harold will take him out for ice cream this sunday. You’re allowed to tag along if you’re not annoying about it.”

Gordon is about to protest further but the softness in Bubby’s eyes while looking at Joshua waving the wii-mote around changes his mind. Haven’t they all deserved a bit of found family after all they’ve been through. Joshua can do much worse than two grandparents that would literally torch the world for his sake. And an uncle with the perfect dog and alien powers of course. And then there is Benrey... He doesn’t actually know what role Benrey would fill in their little family. Wine aunt? Local cryptid?

… Stepdad? 

He stops that line of thought very quickly and focuses on stopping Dr. Coomer from trying to show off the strength in his power arms with one of his kitchen chairs. 

The summer weeks pass along, June turning into July. The 4th is celebrated with the whole science team with the addition of Darnold in the Boomers’ surprisingly large back yard. It’s loud, chaotic and a little too much fire for Gordon’s taste but in the middle of it all he still finds a strange sense of peace. Sitting in a lawn chair he watches Tommy, Joshua and Benrey play keep away with Sunkist. A ball passes between them while the giant golden retriever jumps and snaps after it in the air. The air is filled with Joshua’s child like laughter, Tommy’s giggles and Benrey’s static cackle. Darnold and Bubby are arguing by the grill on the merits of using flavoured lighting fuel while Dr. Coomer lounges beside Gordon, decked out in his flashiest hawaii shirt. 

Even though the moment is perfect Gordon’s mind still starts to wander down a dark road. A thought has been lingering in his head for a while now and the presence of all his friends... his family has only made it louder.

“Somehow I still can’t believe we’re all here right now.”

“Hello- Whatever do you mean Gordon?”

“I mean like... at times I’m afraid that this is all a dream? That I’ll wake up and find that I’m still back there, fighting for my life...”

He tapers off. This might not be the right type of conversation to have during a celebration but Gordon has found that Dr. Coomer is surprisingly good to talk to when he has these kinds of existential doubts.

“Gordon, don’t you think you deserve this? To be happy I mean.”

“I... I don’t know if I’m being honest. I’ve fucked up so many times at this point...”

There is no alcohol at this party but Gordon really wishes he had a beer right now. 

“Well, maybe you don’t have to deserve happiness to receive it. Look at it like this Gordon, if people think you deserve to be happy then you can’t be all that bad.” Dr. Coomer pauses for a second before continuing in a softer tone. “There is nothing wrong with enjoying life just as it is. I think you do deserve to be happy, if that means anything.” 

It’s a simple way of thinking that Gordon hasn’t considered up until now, so caught up in his own self doubt. There is a comfort to be found in those words that finally allows him to relax slightly. Maybe it is ok to be happy, at least for now.

“Thanks Dr. Coomer. I’ll try to remember that.”

“He- Good. Now, I suggest you don’t look towards the grill. Bubby is about to light it and I do expect the brightness following will be harmful to the naked eye.”

“Wha-” 

Before Gordon has time to finish the question there is a ‘woosh’ sound behind him followed by a short burst of hot air. The slightly nervous voice of Darnold is heard over the din of laughter. 

“I think someone needs to go on a meat run. The sausages managed to burn just by proximity to the fire.”

They collectively decide to order pizza instead and most of the rest of the evening is spent arguing about the merit of different toppings. Somehow It’s the best 4:th of July Gordon has had since he was a child.

It’s a humid day in the end of July that Gordon packs himself, Joshua, Benrey and a picnic basket into his car to drive them to a local park. It was actually Benrey who suggested the outing in the first place, having found the park while out with N00b and deciding that Joshua would enjoy the swings there. Gordon does not need to be convinced. However much he loves his son, figuring out new creative ways to keep a hyper 4 year old entertained is taxing work and he takes all the help he can get. The car ride is spent singing along to a combination of Queen songs with intermittent renditions of baby shark requested by Joshua. It’s only two weeks left until it’s time for Joshua to go home and Gordon reminds himself that he wants to take both Joshua and Benrey to a visit to the aquarium again. The thought of Benrey excitedly showing off the jellyfishes to Joshua igniting that strange warmth in his chest. 

When they arrive Gordon finds that it is indeed a nice park, large trees give shade from the hot summer sun and the playground is one of the modern ones with soft padding on the ground. Getting both Joshua, his little sun hat, the picnic basket and the blanket all out from the car is much easier when you have an extra pair of hands. 

“You got all the gears lil Gameboy?” 

Benrey stands before Joshua, hands on his hips and with a critical look on his face.

“Mhm.”

“Hat?”

Joshua pats the cowboy hat on his head.

“Hat!”

“Shoes?”

A shake of a small foot in a strapped sandal.

“On!”

“Player 2?”

The soft hoof of Joshua’s favourite horse plush is held up for a high five which Benrey answers.

“Yo, nice job! Got it in one go. Let’s speedrun this picnic.”

“Let’s not.” Gordon interjects “The point of a picnic is to have a calm moment, enjoy nature and-” 

He’s not allowed to finish before getting two raspberries blown at him. Benrey hoists Joshua up on his shoulders and sprints towards the playground. Gordon is about to use his dad-voice to tell them to slow down but stops himself. Let them have fun. If they tire themself out playing first maybe they can even have a quiet meal together for once. It’s a naive thought of course, Benrey seems to have both endless energy and patience when it comes to Joshua’s games and Gordon should know better than to underestimate the excitement of a child on a new playground. After setting up a little camp and snapping a few pictures of Benrey pushing Joshua on a swing Gordon allows himself a moment of rest on the blanket in the shadow of a tree. Leaning against the trunk he watches the two of them until his eyelids grow heavy and he nods off in the afternoon heat. 

He’s awoken by something that is both familiar and terrifying for any parent, the high pitch sound of his son crying. It only takes Gordon a second to locate them, Joshua on the ground holding his elbow and Benrey on his knees in front of him. It’s probably nothing, Gordon tries to tell himself as he scrambles to get up and hurries towards the pair, kids fall and hurt themself all the time. It doesn’t have to be anything dangerous or life threatening. The rational thinking unfortunately doesn’t help and Gordon can already feel the fear fueled adrenaline coursing through his body nudging him towards a panic attack. As he gets closer though he realises that the crying has stopped. Joshua's cheeks are still wet from tears but he has quiet down, watching Benrey with eyes wide with wonder. Benrey is carefully holding Joshua’s elbow between two hands, voice soft as he speaks. 

“Pain gone, pain gone.”

Joshua hiccups and uses his free hand to dry some snot from his nose but doesn’t start crying again.

“How’s that? Still hurts?”

When Benrey lets go of the elbow Gordon just manages to catch a hint of fading teal on Josua’s skin before it disappears completely. Stretching his arm out Joshua shakes his head.

“No.”

“Cuz of the magic spell bro.”

Joshua gasps, eyes almost comically large as he examines his now-healed elbow. As Gordon moves closer Benrey finally seems to register his presence as he glances up at him, a slight blush tinting his cheeks. 

“Uhh... lil’ Gameboy fell over. Hurt his arm. I fixed it. Hope that’s ok.”

“It’s- yeah of course it’s ok Benrey. Thank you.” 

Hearing his dad’s voice Joshua gets up, running over and hugging Gordon’s legs.

“Dad, Benny can use the magic spell too!”

“I know, who do you think taught it to him?”

“You did?”

“I sure did.”

Offering a hand down to Benrey, Gordon helps him stand back up. He can’t help but to let his hand linger in Benrey’s, the feeling of the other’s touch grounding him further in the moment and pushing away any lingering feelings of panic.

“Wanna eat?”

Benrey just squeezes his hand while Joshua yells out his agreement, the injury already forgotten. Grabbing Joshua's hand as well, Gordon starts to walk over to their little picnic camp. Benrey walks beside him, their hands still intertwined. 

The rest of the outing goes without any catastrophes. Joshua takes a nap in Gordon’s lap after lunch while Benrey leans his back against Gordon’s side, playing on his Switch with the volume turned down low. The moment is a peaceful one and Gordon tries to commit it to memory as much as he can, wanting to carve out a place for it in his brain so that he can revisit it when Joshua has gone home. 

The sun travels in the sky, shadows growing longer. However much Gordon would love to stay in this moment forever, it’s time to start heading back. Softly he nudges Joshua's shoulder, waking him from his nap.

“It’s time to go home cowboy.”

They are packing up their little picnic camp when Joshua suddenly pulls at Gordon’s pant leg to get his attention. 

“Dad, I need to pee.”

Of course he does, how children always seem to need to go when you are busy with something Gordon will never know.

“I’ll take you to the restroom in a moment, I just need to put this away, ok Josh?”

“But I can’t hold it. I need to go now!”

Sensing an accident waiting to happen Gordon tries to hurry up, but again it’s Benrey who comes to his rescue.

“I’ll take him, bro.”

“Could you? Thanks Benrey, I’ll be done soon so just come back here when you’re done.”

“Bee Ar Bee”

Gordon wheezes slightly, Benrey saying abbrevations out loud never stops being hilariously stupid. It doesn’t take long for him to get everything back into the basket, it’s much easier when all the food is eaten after all. While packing it suddenly hits Gordon how easily he had agreed to let Benrey take Joshua out of his line of sight. It’s strange, If you had asked him just four months ago to even let Benrey be in the same room as his son Gordon would have not only refused but called you crazy as well. But that was then, and this is now. Now Gordon knows that there are few people on the planet that Joshua is as safe with as Benrey. 

Benrey who had used the same little magic spell that Gordon had taught him to calm down Joshua. Who made sure that Joshua had all his things before leaving. Who looked at Joshua with such soft fondness when he slept in Gordon’s lap that it made Gordon’s heart ache. There is a sudden pull in Gordon’s chest, like something is missing but he can’t really figure out what. 

“Yo Gordon Slowman, you ready to go or what?”

Looking up from where he has been staring holes into the ground Gordon sees Benrey coming towards him, Joshua on his shoulders. Two things happen right after the other in that moment. The first thing is that Gordon’s heart skips a beat. It’s a familiar feeling by now, it has happened more and more often when he looks at Benrey. The second thing is a realisation that washes over Gordon like a tidal wave. 

_He loves Benrey._

It’s a feeling both new and familiar, like a deja vu of a dream made into reality. He loves Benrey with all his heart, with all of his being. The intensity of it almost takes his breath away and Gordon finds himself gasping. It fills him up, expands in his chest and travels up his throat. He might finally understand why Benrey needs his sweet voice to sing and paint his feelings. That’s what that pull had been earlier, missing Benrey although he’d only been gone for a couple of minutes. There is a sudden want- no, a need to close the distance between them. To hold Benrey close and make sure he never leaves again. That he stays with Gordon, where he belongs. 

And that _terrifies_ Gordon to his core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are closing in towards the end. What will the two idiots do now that they both have figured out their feelings? Probably something stupid. 
> 
> This chapter is... important to me. I've called it the "falling in love" chapter since I started writing this story. Although that's not really true anymore. Gordon was in love long before this chapter, this was just when he realised it. 
> 
> Thank you to all of you who read, leave kudos and comment. You're support and enthusiasm really is why I've managed to write *checks notes* holy fuck over 100000 words. I can't believe it has taken this long to make these idiots fall in love XD Again, tank you so much and I'll see you again in two weeks <3


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